Last night, Saturday night of our second week back, something really weird happened. I don't even know where to start. We were all out at the Hog's Head - it was the usual gang of me, Daphne, Tracey, Aurelia, Millicent, Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Theo and Blaise, but also our younger friends Mathilda Greenford, Scarlett Bishop, Molly Williams and Felicia Lympsham, and also the older boys Warrington, Flint and Montague had joined us even though they had finished Hogwarts last year.

And we're all drinking and having a good time. I was outside smoking with Daphne, Tracey and Aurelia, and all of a sudden I look over into the club and I see my friend Felicia leaning in and whisepring something in Draco's ear and then all of a sudden - I choked on my drink - she kissed him.

I was so shocked.

"Oh my god!" Aurelia exclaimed, who apparently had seen it as well. The girls turned hastily, "what?" Daphne said firmly.

"Did she just do that?" Aurelia shouted at me.

I just shook my head, and I felt that I began shaking from the inside.

"Do what?" Daphne said, her voice rising.

Aurelia sent me a pitiful look and then she said awkwardly: "She kissed him, right?"

"Who?!" Daphne put up her arms, completely oblivious.

"Felicia! Draco!"

Daphne's mouth fell open. She stared from me to Aurelia. Then she let out a "WHAT?!" and rushed inside. We hurried after her. I can't remember much of it. It was such a shock. And I was drunk as well. I never thought one of my friends would do that, even though Draco and I are nothing nowadays but we've been together on-and-off for three years so it was a bit weird.

I was feeling naseous and weird so I left, while Daphne ran up to Felicia. I dunno what happened there. I went to the bathroom and sat down. I felt dizzy and naseous, and betrayed by my friend - Draco could do whatever he liked, he's a dickhead sometimes, but my friend Felicia shouldn't do that, you just dont do that.

And when I got out from the bathroom, confused, I was jumped by Theo. "Is it true?" he asked. That's when it fell apart for me. I shook my shoulders, looking away and then I felt tears welling up and my throat thickening, and I couldn't stop it. Theo embraced me at once and said: "Hold it, hold it, don't cry, hold it," very firmly so I wouldn't start crying. I took hasty, raspy, deep breaths and could control it. He forced me to not start crying and I was so thankful for that.

"All right?" he asked. I nodded hastily and we broke apart. "You're the strongest bird I know for fuck's sake..." he grinned. "I'm off to speak to Draco, hang on," he said then hastily.

Dapgne and the girls came and Blaise disappeared off, I saw him hurrying outside. The girls asked me loads of questions but I felt too confused and dizzy to answer. I felt sick to my stomach. He was my first love. My most proper love. How could they do that? I felt so betrayed.

The girls talking about it only made me more upset. And then they said something that made me break.

"Apparently she's tried it before. She's liked him for a while."

I couldn't breathe - I didnt want to hear it. My stomach ached so much. I couldn't control it anymore. I hurried outside to smoke, but tears welled up in my face as I reached the exit. I felt so ashamed and betrayed by my friends both Felicia and Draco and the rest of the lads - why hadn't anyone told me? Blaise or Theo, they were supposed to be my friends. I hid my face in my hands as soon as I came out, the girls were soon behind me although I tried to escape I couldn't. Daphne lit a cigarette for me while the girls talked all around me.

Then Theo came up, as soon as I saw him I turned away: "I dont want to talk to you!" I said to him.

He looked shocked: "What, why?"

"Maybe you should just give her some space," Tracey said hastily and awkwardly to Theo but he stood, surprised.

"No, no... Pansy... What've I done? I just wanted to say I'm sorry on his behalf..."

"What have you done?" I called, still not wanting to talk to him. My voice was shaking. "You fucking knew didn't you, and you didn't tell me." I said, and I started crying. How embarassing.

"No, no, no..! I didn't, I didn't know, honest," he began.

"How could you not fucking know?" I said and my tears began running. The girls left to give us privacy. I was a bit drunk so I don't remember everything in detail. But I'm getting to the other shocking part of this night.

"I didn't know! I would tell you if I did!" Theo said, upset.

"Just sod off!" I said, angrily wiping my tears and starting to walk off. But he grabbed my arm.

"Please, I'm sorry," he sounded desperate.

"Why are you sorry?" I said.

"I dunno, I just hate to see you sad."

I wiped my tears angrily. "What?" I said.

"Pansy... I... Honestly... I don't want you to think I knew... I would never do that to you..."

"It doesn't fucking matter," I said.

"It does becaue..." he began.

"What?" I said frustrated and still wet on my face with tears.

"I... I..." He said. And then he leaned in and kissed me.

Theodore Nott, one of my best bloke friends for years and also one of Draco's best mates, kissed me.

And I was so shocked and didn't know what was going on so I reacted slightly coldly I think. I just broke away, shocked.

"Theo!" I cried, shocked. He looked despairing, but that's all I remember registring, before I hurried off, drunk and confused. I ran all the way back to Hogwarts and into my dorm and went to bed, feeling sick.

The next day we all hung out in the common room, it was a Sunday after all. Everyone but Felicia and Theo were there. They were apparently nowhere to be found.

We were all discussing last night's drama, eating sweets and crisps.

Draco pulled me aside and said, "She kissed me. I did not kiss her back, I pulled away. I'm not interested in her and even if I was I would never do that to you, not with a friend of yours."

I just nodded. I wasn't really angry with him to be honest.

"Even though we're only friends now," he went on, "we used to really love each other, so I would never do that out of respect."

"If she dares to show her face around here things will get ugly," Daphne threathened when we sat down. "She's been flirting with Draco for weeks now. She's just not a loyal friend."

"Who does she think she is?" Aurelia chimed in. "No way, we're not friends with her anymore. She is cancelled."

"And Theo!" said Daphne. "What the actual hell? It's such a weird thing to do when you've been friends for years. Like how long has he felt this? It's just soo random!"

Everyone nodded.

"It's actually a shitty thing to do to you Draco," Daphne went on which surprised everyone, as she wasn't normally one to defend Draco's honour.

"Yeah, I am a bit annoyed to be honest," said Draco, "That not only did he keep this from me for I don't know how long, but that it's the only girl I've ever loved, and that should just be hands off, you know."

Everyone mumbled in agreement.

"It's not like I'm jealous, no offence, Pans," he said, "You can do whatever you want, but it's a weird thing for him to do to me as one of my best mates."

"Yeah it's the exact same thing for me with Felicia," I mumbled.

"Yeah exactly," said Draco.

The next night Theo came up to me in the common room after dinner. Daphne, Tracey, Millicent and Aurelia sent him murderous glances as he did so.

"Can I have a word? Just a minute," he said. He looked so sad.

We walked away from the others and sat down at the other end of the common room.

"How are you?" I asked in a mix of guilt and awkwardness.

He avoided looking at me. "Yeah, I'm.. I'm all right, I suppose." He looked up. "You?"

"Yeah, same." I looked away, hating how awkward it was between us. He didn't feel like my friend anymore.

Theo cleared his throat. "I'm sorry... about all of this..."

I looked up.

"I'm sorry I did that, last night. I don't want to lose you as a friend," he went on.

I looked away. I hadn't a clue what to say.

He sighed. "Fuck..."

I gave him a haf-hearted, strained smile. "Yeah, I know..." I said.

"It's not like I wanted this..." He said then.

"Wanted what?" I said, frowning at him.

"This! This whole situation..."

I still didn't get it.

He sighed again. "The truth is, I've fancied you for a while, to be honest."

I didn't know what to say. Everything felt upside down. He was my friend. He'd been one of my closest friends for my entire Hogwarts time. I looked away, exhaling deeply.

He noticed, and became a little defensive. "You think I like this? Being in love with my best friends ex girlfriend?"

"In love?" I said shocked and in despair, and looked away.

"Not just ex girlfriend, on and off girlfriend for three sodding years. You think I like that?"

I shook my head hastily, didn't know what to say, and kept avoiding looking at him.

"But I can't... I cant stop myself... because every time I see you... I mean look at you."

I just looked at him, slightly shaking my head. He looked away, nervous. Then after a moments silence he said: "Please just say something."

I felt utterly speechless. I opened my mouth but nothing came out. Then I said: "It's just... it's just so wrong."

But as it came out I regretted it, because it was a bit rough but I was so shocked.

He looked at me and then he covered his face in his hands. "Fuck... fuck!"

"I'm sorry Theo," I said hastily and I got up, feeling nauseous. Just as I did, Draco came walking over, sending me an awkward glance as we passed each other, as if we were on the same team. I sat down with my friends again but we could hear their conversation.

Draco greeted him with a fist-bump and asked if he was all right.

Theo sighed loudly. "Fucking hell..." he seemed in despair, probably both about me and about Draco.

"So what happened last night really, I was a bit distracted," Draco said.

"Oh, fuck.. I dunno mate, I screwed up."

"Relax mate, breathe," Draco said. I would've actually expected him to not be as kind. I suppose it's because he and Theo have been friends practically their whole lives.

Theo took a deep breath. "I dunno mate, I kissed her, you know that"

"Yeah,"

Overhearing this, I felt nervous. My girlfriends and I were listening on, pretending to be too far away to hear, sitting with our backs against them.

"I feel like shit, I do, but I like her, I dunno when that came on, but I know I can't deny it anymore, not to myself at least."

"Listen," Draco said "I'm not jealous, but listen, you're one of my best mates, and you just don't do that. You just don't. It's not about her."

"I know mate! I know how much she meant to you..."

"No, no listen," Draco interrupted. "I'm not jealous, I just feel a bit betrayed by my mate. And I could've still fancied her, really."

"Yeah but you don't! Right?"

"But I could!" Draco said. Theo didn't answer at once. Draco went on: "That's the thing."

Theo took a deep breath. "Draco, look, it's not like I wanted this to happen. It's not. I dunno why and I've tried to get over it and not to anything about it but I just reckoned that I might as well give it a go, see if I can get it to disappear, since you've not, to be honest, you've not been with her for like a year, and..."

"Mate we broke up in like February, January! That's like six, seven months."

"Yeah and that's a long time! And for the past months you've been friends, so-"

"We've had breaks for like more than a year, or six months, before! That's the thing, I could still fancy her, you didn't talk to me about it, and that's why I feel like you've gone behind my back and done a really odd thing. Like if I was in that situation, I would speak to my best mate and say 'I'm fucked up mate I'm so sorry but I think I like your ex' and talked to him about it!"

"Yeah, I know that mate. I fucked up. I dunno what to say mate."

Draco shook his head, looking away.

"I'm so fucked up mate, I dunno what to do, I just wish I could turn back time."

"What do you need to do that for?" Draco said.

"Cos everyone hates me now! Reckons I'm a bad mate and all that. Pansy hates me now, so I've lost one of my best mates really."

"She doesn't hate you mate, I reckon she's just shocked," Draco said. "Nobody hates you, just leave it."

Theo looked at him. Draco still looked a bit irritated but he didn't seem to be as angry as expected.

"Fuck... I'm so sorry mate, I really am. You know that you're my best friend and I don't want to be a fucking backstabber."

"No, no, mate it's all right."

They embraced. "We'll just forget about it," Draco said.

Draco would never have been like that if it was someone else, he would've killed them. I'm happy their friendship's strong enough.

When Draco came and sat down next to me, I asked if everything was all right.

"Yeah, it was a shady thing to do," said Draco, "and he should've talked to me about it and not gone behind my back but he can't help what he feels and I can tell he feels so bad about it and he knows what he did wrong. We can't undo this situation, so I just can't stay angry really."

"Fair enough," I said. And then I smiled. "Very mature."

He smiled back.

The week went on as normal with classes and homework. On Friday evening we were all chilling in the common room with a few Butterbeers after we sent the younger students to bed. And in the midst of it all, Draco put his arm around me as we sat next to each other. In my tipsy state I didn't move or anything, I quite enjoyed the familiarity and comfortability.

But afterwards I regretted sending the wrong signals.

So on Saturday I walked down to the Quidditch pitch just as I knew the Slytherin team were wrapping up their practice.

He lit up when he saw me. The boys went off to the changing rooms and he began walking over to me carrying his broom. The sight of him in his Quidditch kit was always an attractive one, but I tried to calm myself down. I stood leaning agains the railings of the stands and he came up behind me, put his arms around me and placed his hands on the railings. I could feel his breath on my neck. He was sweaty. My heart started pounding but it felt like crossing an unspoken boundary. This wasn't what we were anymore.

I moved a little.

"Are you cold?" he asked softly. I barely heard his voice even though it was close to my ear, because it was muffled by the wind, but I felt it on my neck. It was familiar and comfortable. My Draco. Gentle only for me. But it was not what we were anymore.

"No," I said quietly. I wrapped my cloak around me and moved his arm and went to stand next to him. Extremely blatant.

He didn't say anything then, understanding. We just stood next to each other looking out at the pitch. I didn't want to be there anymore. I knew we couldn't go there again.

He didn't say anything more. Discouraged. And neither did I.

"I'm gonna go," I said after a few minutes. He didn't say anything, nor did he look at me. He just looked out over the pitch, leaned slightly over the rail.

"See you around," I said. And I walked away, leaving him there.