I've done something bad

A few more weeks went by without incident and one October evening at dinner Draco asked me if I would take a walk with him on the grounds. I reluctantly said yes and we made our way outside the Entrance Hall onto the grounds. It was awkward as we walked down towards the Quidditch pitch.

He small talked and I listened and replied where I had to. I wondered where this was going.

Finally when we reached the stands we sat down. "I'm sorry for everything."

I looked out over the misty Quidditch pitch. Suddenly I felt him lean in closer and he held me. I didn't pull away.

After a few minutes I pulled away.

"I suppose it's difficult for me to be just friends with you. It just doesn't feel right. It's difficult to see you with other blokes."

I wondered if he meant that the whole Theo thing had made him jealous after all. I looked away but I didn't break the hug, but I felt trapped.

"No matter what I say, it's always more than sex with you." He looked at me.

I sighed. "Please, don't even start... I really can't do all of this again."

Draco didn't say anything. I turned to him and stared at him. "You have to get over me." I said.

Draco snorted. "Well, you have to get over me."

"I have! That's what you don't understand."

"You say that now," Draco said, snorting again.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"No, leave it," Draco muttered.

"What?" I asked.

"You're just saying that," Draco said, exasperated. "I don't know why you're saying that because when you're drunk you're always trying to make me flirt with you."

I felt my cheeks grow warm. "No, that was once! And I was drunk," I added hastily, looking away.

"It doesn't matter! You can't stay away from me. It's not only me who's like that." He seemed irritated. He turned and looked at me. "Keep telling yourself whatever you want, but I'm not going to chase after you anymore, because I know you want it as much as I."

I frowned at him with my mouth open, at loss for words. He sent me an irritated look and he just turned around and began walking back up to the castle.

Leaving me utterly confused.

The weekend went on as normal. We had a common room party with the year belows. Theo apologised to me and said he was going to get over me and that he wanted to be friends. I was glad because I didn't want to lose him as a friend. Me and Draco flirted but nothing happened.

On Sunday evening we were all doing homework in the common room and finally everyone went to bed but me and Draco.

Draco told me about how Blaise had slept with a girl from the year below and when Daphne had come to his dorm just to talk - they weren't together - he had made the girl hide in the toilet for a full hour. Without clothes.

"He's the biggest dick I know..." Draco said. "Except for myself I suppose." He laughed.

"You're not a dick Draco," I laughed.

"Bloody hell, you've said I am a hundred times! Make up your mind."

I laughed. "Well you're not a dick to me at least."

"Well you're the only exception, aren't you," he said and smiled. I laughed happily, feeling warm in my entire body when I his hoarse chuckle. There was a tensed moment of silence.

Then he said: "Well, I'm going to bed I think..."

I was still smiling and I dont know what came over me but I said: "Come to mine."

"What?" he said.

"Come to my dorm," I said quietly. And I got up from the sofa and looked at him expectantly.

He chuckled. "You really want that?"

"Mhm," I smiled. He was silent for a couple seconds, looking like Christmas had come early. I grabbed him by his tie and pulled. He got up, looking like he was unsure this was happening.

We silently snuck into the dark dormitory. The others were asleep, luckily. We got onto my bed and drew the curtains. Still fully clothed, we lay back on top of the duvet. I put a silencing charm so that the others wouldn't hear our voices.

"Come here," he said and put an arm around my shoulders. I leaned back against his chest. "Mate," he added.

I chuckled. "Is that what we are now?"

"Well," he said, "It was a bit rocky there at first wasn't it."

"It was."

"But we get on well now, don't we."

I smiled. "We do."

He grinned at me. I had to look away to force myself to calm down. But I couldn't stop smiling.

"How many girls have you slept with now?" I asked, teasing. He laughed and looked like he was thinking.

"Must be about twenty now."

"Bloody hell, I was like, your third, or forth, wasn't I?" I laughed, shocked.

"Yeah well, that was a long time ago," he laughed, defending himself. "well what about you?" he grinned.

"Still three..."

"Yeah?" Draco began grinning even wider. "What about your boy?"

"We never did it."

Draco smirked contently at this. Wanker. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," I said, mock-glaring at him, "You made sure."

He looked even more pleased at this, if possible. He began laughing. "Bloody hell" he said then. "So it's been a while then..."

I couldn't help but to smile back "It has..."

"I love that," He smirked. "That I was last."

I rolled my eyes and hit him on his arm. But it made me feel excited inside. I laughed as well, and he pulled me towards him, and lay me down so he was lying behind me, holding me. It was both cosy and exciting, he's so big and strong and I always loved his arms around me, made me feel so safe. He hugged me and planted a kiss on my neck. That's when I knew what would happen. I noticed he was getting exciting, and I was as well. He started touching me, like stroking my arm and stomach, and after a few minutes he dared to go beneath my jumper.
FInally after a few minutes, I turned to him, our faces were very close. He was just looking at me, not smirking, and I looked back, and then I grinned and mumbled: "Fuck it". And we both moved our faces closer at the same time and collided in a kiss.

We kept kissing and he moved in over me and after a time of snogging, we started touching more, our clothes came off, and then he said: "Are you sure you want to?"

"Pretty sure," I breathed.

I felt confused and sobered up when I woke up, even though I hadn't been drunk. He had left and gone to his first lesson of the day when I woke up. I didn't know why I'd done that last night, it'd been in the heat of the moment. I realised that Draco always made me come back. And I didn't even know how. I suppose it's because of his hard-to-get front, his way too high self esteem and his cocky charm. That's what I both love and hate about him - the things that made me feel the worst was the things that I found most attractive in him. How destructive was I... I was a masochist, apparently. What I'd liked so much about Miles was that he never smirked at me like Draco constantly does, he didn't flirt with other girls, he didn't tease me and he never ignored me and he didn't care if he didnt always have the "upper hand" - he didn't think it made him look weak if he treate me well. He was a perfect gentleman and a good bloke, a good person. He was mature. Draco's the opposite on all points. So I must be a masochist if Draco's the one I always come back to. On that note, sleeping with Draco made me feel weak and tired with myself. No matter how good it had been. How long would I do this?

I ignored him in lessons all day. It was sick really how opposite everything usually is. I could really feel what power I had over him now, like he always had over me. Now I can see why he liked doing that.

The next few evenings I just did my homework and spent time with the girls. By Friday after dinner I finally gave in to speaking to Draco. I didn't feel like it , but I knew I owed him an explanation.

"What's up?" I asked when he came knocking on my dormitory door.

"Can I have a word?"

"Sure," I said, and went to sit on my bed. He joined me.

"So," he asked awkwardly. "How's your week been?"

"Yeah, good thanks," I said shortly.

"I've been thinking," he said, but I interrupted him.

"I just have to tell you," I said, licking my lips. I didn't even know how to begin so I decided to just spit it out. "We, er.. should just pretend nothing happened. don't you think?"

He didn't react. He just looked at me. Inscrutable. I didn't know if he agreed or not. When he didn't answer, I hastily went on. "We should just be friends."

I suppose his face and lack of reaction and just staring at me made it all rather clear. With a shock I realised that I'd never seen that look on his face. I was the one saying it to him. Now I know how I looked all those time he told me the same thing after sex, or that he "needed space" - now I knew. It was really more see-through than I'd thought.

He pretended like it was nothing. He played cool, just like I used to. "Yeah, definitely," he said hastily, and averted his eyes. I knew I couldn't handle being more than friends with him, it was too many fights and arguments, I couldn't cope with it again. I'd learnt my lesson. I hated his way of trying to get me - his horrible, mean and teasing side - so we'd be better of as friends.

"We work better as friends," I said. "We both know that.."

Draco still didn't say anything, nodding slightly, looking a bit irritated, avoiding looking at me.
In a sick way, I enjoyed having this power to be able to hurt him with a snap of my fingers if I wanted to - like he used to.

The following week I finally feel happy. I went about my life like normal. I just spent time with the girls and did my homework like any other Hogwarts student. Draco sent me a note in Potions class saying "I fucking miss you all right? There you have it."

It surprised me how little it made me feel. He probably thought that was exactly what I wanted to hear. I didn't even turn to look at him which probably drove him mad.

Halloween came up and we threw another party in the common room. Of course, he approached me after a few Fire Whiskeys.

"How have you?" he said. He attemped a smile but he didn't look like his usual confident, cocky self.

"Yeah, good. You?" I attemped a smile as well. I didnt want to hurt him, but right then I couldn't care less about speaking to him. I felt like I'd finally learnt my lesson.

"Good, yeah. I've missed you," he said, hesitantly.

I stirred my drink and looked away. "Yeah..."

He was quiet. I wanted to leave. He sat down. I didn't move, I kept standing.

"What have you been up to?"

I looked at him. "Draco you see me all the time. In class, and the common room."

"I know, I.." he began. Merlin did he not feel like his usual self. "I just wanted to talk about something."

I looked away. There was a silence.

Then he said: "Come here," motioning for me to come to him, grinning slightly.

I shook my head. "No."

He frowned at me. "Why?" he emphasised.

I felt uncomfortable. "You know why," I said.

"No I don't" he said.

I finally turned to him. "I told you... last time we spoke..."

We looked at each other for a long moment. He looked surprised, or taken aback. Frowning at me like that. "You want to be friends?" he said then, sarcastically and not smiling anymore.

"Yes."

"No you don't," he sniggered. His eyes were angry but he was trying to laugh.

"Yes I do!" I said exasperated, turning to him. He just stared at me.

"No we can't be just friends,you know that."

"Er, we have been for the last like three months! Or was that just something to get into my knickers?" I added, irritated.

"No," he said hastily. He broke our eyecontact and looked down towards the floor. He was sitting leaned forward. "It's just that..," he began. Then he trailed off and turned his head away.

"What?" I said, shaking my head, looking at him almost pitying.

"I can't be just friends with you, I honestly can't. Everytime I see you I... I crumble."

My heart started beating. I just stared at him. How I'd wanted to her that so many times before. But it was too late now. It really was. I looked away.

"I... I can't keep my eyes off you, and I can't just sit next to you... Every time I see you I want to kiss you or hug you..."

I just shook my head, swallowing hard, stirring my drink with my straw.

"You can't honestly say you don't feel like that," he said, looking up at me.

"Yes I can," I said defiantly. He looked at me and shook his head. Then he looked away and rolled his eyes.

"What do you want from me?" he said all of a sudden.

I looked at him frowning: "I don't want anything. I thought I made that quite clear,"

"No because you're still playing games," he said.

I rolled my eyes, sighing. "No, Draco, I'm not." I sort of pitied him.

He didn't say anything. He looked down to the ground, swallowed hard and exhaled deeply. He ran a hand through his hair. "Why- Then why..." he seemed to be at loss of words. He just shook his head and didn't seem to be able to put a sentence together. "I know that ... that we... I mean why did we even get off then."

"Well we were both just in the mood, Draco."

"No, well, yes, but..."

"Yes you were!" I protested. He would not turn this on me. I pushed whatever feelings of guilt I had away and said: "I don't know why you're like this. I mean boo-hoo, you've done that to me a hundred times."

"Boo-hoo?" he asked, raising his eyebrows, attempting a sneer.

"Whatever," I said, rolling my eyes.

He shook his head, looking like he found me incredulous. "I can't fucking believe you," he muttered.

"You're not turning this on me," I muttered back.
"Turning what? What've I possibly done?" he was raising his voice. I knew when he was about to start argumenting and I didn't want that because I didn't want him to start manipulating me. He wasn't stronger than me anymore.

"Whatever, Draco, whatever." That was all I could say and do. I had to get out of there because I couldn't get into an argument with him - I never won. I had to leave. I tried to hurry away, irritated, he called after me, "You can't stay away from me, no matter how much you try, you know that!"

Which was probably the most disgustingly arrogant thing I've ever heard him say. But I walked away.

I tried to have fun for the rest of the evening at the party. I couldn't give a fuck about talking to Draco. It felt like our roles were completely swapped since after we had sex. Now I was the one who only ditched him after sex, things about him bothered me, and he was the one who wanted to be with me.

I was even letting Harper from the year below flirt with me that night. Then Draco came back up to me. I think it was because he was jelous seeing another bloke with me. So he came up and danced behind me. I wanted him to leave and I tried moving closer to my girlfriends instead.

Then finally I said: "I'm going to get a drink," to them all because I wanted to escape Draco, but then he said: "I'll go with you". I rolled my eyes. When was he going to get it?
I walked away and went to the dormitory to get more Butterbeer, my back to him. He waited behind me.
Then he commented, raising his hand to touch my wrist gently: "You're still wearing my bracelet."

It was the one he gave me on my seventeeth birthday, on that surprise party on the boat. I hastily remembered one of mine and Draco's most memorable nights, I remember precisely everything when we finally (for the third, forth or so time) confessed our love to each other. I choked for a second, my heart skipping a beat. But I swallowed hard and ignored it.

"Yeah, so?" I countered, chilly. He looked at me, eyebrows raised, as if he thought he could see right through me. Trust me, he couldn't.

I rolled my eyes and looked away. I've always hated that gaze. It's manipulative. "When will you get it?"

I thought he would response something heated, but he didn't. When I turned to look at him he was just smiling mildly at me, a slightly smug smile, like he didn't believe me. Whatever, that's up him I suppose. Wanker. He could keep wasting his time for all I cared.

I sighed. "I'm not playing games anymore Draco. Just leave it," I said as I hastily got up and walked off and kissed Harper on the dancefloor.