I'm trying to go to sleep but I can't. Everything feels turned upside down compared to last weekend. I was just listening the Wireless and heard a sad love song by the Weird Sisters. I don't how many times I've been crying to that song because of Draco. And everything felt just like before. So I went to get my diary and read all of my old entries, and now I just feel like all I want is Draco. Draco every day, waking up with Draco, falling asleep with Draco, kissing him, feeling his arms around me, no drama, no bad attitude, I want it to be like the first time we got together when I saw him as a God and he treated me as a Goddess.. dinner with Draco's family, playing Quidditch together, kissing in his jacuzzi, night walks with Draco, talking all night in Draco's bed, but mostly just feeling his love and realising how much he loved me when he attacke me with kisses in bed and forced me to stay down when I try to get up because he was holding me so hard, and we were just laughing and finally I had to give in and lie down and just kiss him...

Perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps we're not doomed at all.

But I also thought about all the bad things... The first time we were together, I had to wait months for him to call me love or sweetheart, or hold my hand. We only said "I love you" when we were drunk. We couldn't have a romantic evening without Draco having to cut it off to see his friends. He was bad at keeping in touch with me, I was the one who had to make plans, he never showed much feelings whatsoever. He always had "other things on his mind". He always chose his mates over me, he didn't have time to see me. I had such anxiety. But it made me want him more - I wanted him so bad my stomach ached. That wasn't a healthy relationship, was it?

I put down my quill and ink and reread what I'd just written in my diary.

The next time I saw him I was way nicer than our last encounter.

On Saturday it was Blaise's birthday party and we held it at Blaise's house in Manchester, so we all Floo'd home in secret. It started off really well. Before everyone arrived, me, Daphne, Tracey, Millicent, Aurelia, Draco, Theo, Crabbe Goyle and of course Blaise himself had a Butterbeer by the fireplace as Blaise opened birthday gifts. The boys had all gotten him funny prank things, and Daphne had gotten him a nice watch.

Then more people arrived like our friends from the year below and even some of the older boys Floo'd in. There was a really hot girl from the year below called Alicia, who Daphne knew as well. All the boys made a big deal about her, jokingly saying they had "dibs".

By now the entire house and garden and pool and jacuzzi were packed. I was getting drunk, having fun with my girlfriends and everyone else - it was fun because I knew everyone there. Everyone was saying how it was the best party of the year.

We went out to smoke and it ended up with us going in the pool because Blaise and Draco and the lads shouted at us to get in (Theo even picked Tracey upp and threw her in). We were all playing in the pool, jumping from the boys shoulders, they were wrestling, throwing balls, trying to play drown us girls. It was so much fun, plus we were drunk.

Suddenly I got pushed and came under water, when I got up I said: "What the...?"

But it was Draco and he was laughing, "Sorry, Blaise pushed me!"

I laughed too and splashed water towards him. "I thought you dried to drown me!" I said, laughing at Draco. He was incredidlby hot all wet in only his boxers, all muscly from Quidditch training.

"I would never do that, you know I don't want you to die" he teased, tossing a ball at me. We were standing close now, our friends were standing talking and drinking next to us in the pool.

"Oh you don't?" I laughed.

"I don't hate you enough," he teased again. Oh that look in his eyes...

I couldn't keep from smiling widely. "You don't hate me at all do you..."

We both laughed and Tracey sent me a pointed glance, smiling, then she hastily looked away and sipped her drink. I threw the ball back at we got up from the pool the gossip of whether me and Draco liked each other again was fully on. Us girls went into a room to swap back into our clothes and dry off.

When we came out I noticed that girl Alicia talking with Draco, who was now standing leaned against the fridge in the kitchen, drink in hand, wet hair but with clothes back on. She was obviously flirting, touching his arm and looking at him that way... Of course I cared a little but I wasn't allowed to so I ignored it. But then someone shouted "bodyshots!" and they hastily cleared off the dining table, while everyone cheered, and Draco had to lie down and that girl and her friends poured vodka all over his body, and then taking the shot from his body (like his neck and belly button and everything...) we all rolled our eyes but everyone else especially Draco and his mates seemed to really enjoy it. Everyone cheered and then the lads shouted: "let's party!" and everyone started dancing. Us girls all danced. The lads came and joined us. It was loads of fun. Then Draco started dancing with me. It was so crowded, hot and badly lit. Then he looked at me. I could barely hear anything because of the loud music, but I made out his words.

He was looking at me with a special glint in his eyes and said: "where's my special kiss?"

I looked up at him. I was still dancing, he was standing still. I couldn't help it, I started smiling. "You want a kiss?" I asked, raising my eyebrows, not sure if he was joking or not. He just grinned at me, wiggling his eyebrows. I glanced around us. All our friends were around us. They would never approve. They would think I was dumb. But I wasn't thinking about that right then. We both leaned in and kissed at the same time, while the party music was playing loud around us. When we broke apart, I smiled against his chest and we kept dancing. Had that just happened?

Right then, the music paused, and the room suddenly filled with voices which hadn't been audiable before because of the music. Theo and Crabbe was up on a table waving and shouting to get everyone's attention. They wished Blaise a happy birthday and initiated us all singing happy birthday to him. Blaise was casually smirking in the spotlight.
Afterwards, the music came on again and people started dancing again. Me, Daphne, Blaise, Theo and Montague went out to smoke. We were outside for a while, hanging out. I don't know how much time passed, we had loads of fun and kept drinking and sitting outside talking and laughing, while people were running around, going in the pool or standing smoking, drinking or talking in groups around the deck and garden.

After sometime, I don't know how long, we all went inside to dance more. Just as we entered the house from the deck and garden we were met by a sight that made my insides ache.
Draco came out from a guest bedroom with a blonde in short and tight dress. He casually grinned towards Blaise and the lads. That hurt even more. Fuck.
I acted like I hadn't seen anything and said smiling to my friends: "I'll just go sit down for a bit, feeling a bit tired," as they went to dance. I hoped they bought it and hurried to sit down, drowning my drink as I did so.

"Whoa, somebody wants to get plastered," I heard a voice. Draco. My heart started beating faster as I hastily turned to look at who was next to me in the sofa. No, Draco's cousin.

"Oh, no," I hastily put on a fake laugh. "All right?"

"Yeah, you?" Marcus Flint said, smiling right back. He is three years older than Draco but they' look quite alike. Same height, same colour of eyes and hair, same built, only different in their faces and different hairstyles and something more that I can't put my finger on.
"Yeah," I said, putting on a smile and looking away because I can never lie to someones eyes.

Marcus sipped his beer and I felt him looking at me. "How's you and Draco?" he asked in a mock-tired, knowing tone. I turned to him, shrugging, giving him a half-smile and a glint of my eyes. He smiled knowingly, nodding slightly. "Yeah, I know, " he said. He rolled his eyes. "He's a bit fucked up, ain't he..."

I gave a laugh. "Bit confusing, yeah."

"Anything in particular?"

I rolled my eyes, but still smiling at Marcus. "He just came out from his bedroom with some blonde with big tits."

Marcus grinned, rolling his eyes. "Oh, Draco, when will he learn... He's still like a curious thirteen year old sometimes."

I laughed, not ever really having seen it that way. It's always cool seeing Draco's older cousin's perspective of Draco - not at all looking up to him like everyone else in Slytherin.

"I suppose."

"But, you know," Marcus laughed, "brunettes are more his type though."

I rolled my eyes. "Then why does he do that?"

Marcus looked at me. "You know why... because he hates it when you've got the upper hand."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah it's better when he keeps hurting me over and over."

"You know how scared he is. The impact you have on him is just... sick."

He sipped his beer and my heart started beating faster.

"So why not just be with me?" I said. "It can never just be easy with us.,. it's always things like this..."

"To be fair, from what I've heard, you just played him a few days ago," Marcus said casually.

I looked away. "I didn't play him.. I just didn't know what I felt."

"He's said that a hundred times as well."

I fell into silence. I wondered where Marcus had heard that... "Did he talk about that? Saying that I played him I mean."

He sipped his beer. "Mentioned it in passing"

I raised my eyebrows. "Thought he never talked about me."

Marcus turned to look at me. "Where did you get that?"

"Well because he never tells the lads anything anyway... or so they say."

"Exactly.. or so they say... they can't exactly tell on their best mate."

"But it's different since were all friends. Right?" I said.

"But Draco's got his hold on them... you know how they look up to him.. it's sick to me," he gave a laugh, "little Draco... but you know.. no matter how much they value you they would never tell on Draco."

"God, I hate that," I said, "that they stick up for him no matter what, that they can even lie to me to cover up to him... when they know he's done wrong."

"Well, although they've started standing up for what they think is right sometimes lately havent they?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Blaise at least.. he can stand up to Draco I reckon, if he thinks Draco's been a dick to you."

"Yeah, I dunno.." I sipped my drink and looked away, feeling like I was back at square one. Draco's the most complicated and confusing human being I've ever met. Back and forth, showing as little emotion as possible, playing games. When would it all end? Why couldn't he just be with me? Why couldn't he ever be straight and clear with me?

The next day we all made breakfast, everyone was well hungover... but happy about the night, it'd been one of the best parties ever probably. Then we all went back to Hogwarts. Sunday was just a slow day in the common room catching up on school work.

On Monday after our last lesson of the day, Potions, Draco grabbed my arm. I turned around. He smiled, "Hey you."

"Hi," I said hesitantly.

"Do you want to sneak off to Hogsmeade for dinner?"

I broke out into a smile. "Sure."

"Meet me back here in ten minutes."

I went back to the dorm and got out of my school robes into some nice clothes and put some make up on. Then we snuck out of a secret passageway into Hogsmeade and went to Madam Puddifoot's for dinner. We sat outside on the terrace, covered in blankets and with the heaters on. It was cosy.

We ordered our drinks and food and then Draco told me he'd walked in on his parents having sex. He laughed, hiding his face in his hands: "It's honestly the grossest thing I've ever seen. God, I can't get it out of my head!"

I laughed too and then we talked about saturday night's party. Our food came in.

"Did you have fun?" He asked, cutting up a big piece of his steak to stuff in his mouth.

"Yeah, brilliant," I said, smiling.

"You just disappeared," he said, chewing. Teasing smile.

"What? No I didn't?" I asked.

"Yeah you did, I didn't see you all night after our kiss."

I remembered what I'd seen after that - Draco coming out of a room with that big-boobed blonde, after being all lovey-dovey with me on the dancefloor. I just shrugged.

"Oh I noticed how busy you were with that girl," I teased back, a little chilly.

He started laughing, shaking his head. "Oh right."

We finished our food, talking about other things, and then shared a dessert, having a beer each. He was getting me less chilly and more smiling by charming me.

"You look really good tonight" he smiled, one of those very rare smiles where he didn't smirk. I loved those smiles. I couldn't stop myself from smiling at all. "Thanks, so do you," I smiled back. "Why are you smiling so much?" I asked, not being able to stop grinning.

He laughed: "Do you want me to stop?"

"No," I grinned. We laughed a little and had a bit more to eat of the dessert.

"Your laugh is the cutest thing I've ever heard, really," he said, laughing too. I couldn't stop smiling, because he was grinning at me like that.

"I can't believe how cute you are" he commented then, randomly. I lit up, surprised and happy. I just laughed. "You're the cutest thing I've seen," he went on, grinning as well.

"You're drunk," I teased.

He rolled his eyes, "Please, I've had two Butterbeers."

I just smiled at him.

"What?" he grinned.

"Do you want to go in your jacuzzi after?" I asked him, smiling.

We went to the Three Broomsticks and Floo'd to Malfoy Manor. Luckily his parents were out for a charity event that evening. We got in the jacuzzi in our underwear and began kissing and hugging straight away.

We couldn't keep away from each other. He had his hands on my hips, and said: "It's so nice being here with you." He grinned and splashed some water at me. I just laughed.

"You can't believe how good it is, really," he went on. I went in to hug him, we were both wet, it was so warm, I was completely dizzy. I could feel him getting hard and knowing it was so close made me turned on as well. I couldn't deny that I wanted to feel it again. My heart was beating fast, it's always exciting between us, we probably have the most chemistry in the world, I felt like my insides would catch on fire soon because I was so excited, warm and happy when I was near him, I still had butterflies in my stomach after years on and off. It was still there, I realised.

He pulled me closer and planted kisses allover my cheek and neck. I giggled happily.
"I want to eat you up, you're so cute," he mumbled. I just laughed again, my hands on his shoulders. His warm skin was irresistable. He made me feel so safe and taken care of. It's the best feeling in the world.

When we were finished bathing we went up and he wrapped me in a towel, we were close and I put my head on his chest, he had his arms around me, warming me up in the towel. He only had one wrapped around his waist. But he never got cold. I loved that. He looked at me and pouted, still holding his arms around me: "Don't leave". He was pouting and smiling in that perfect mixture. Big and strong mixed with gentle and loving. This is the side of him that I love with loss of words. I was compeltely warm inside and I couldn't stop smiling. I snuggled closer and mumbled, "I don't want to," smiling back at him.

We just stood there hugging for a little while longer, and then he said: "Do you want to stay over?"

I looked up at him, nodding, with a small smile. He couldn't help but to smile a happy smile too.

Wrapped in towels and holding hands we walked into the house and then up to his big room. In his room he gave me a Quidditch t-shirt to sleep in so I could take off my wet underwear. He turned around and let me swap in private, and then I put a turban on my head with the towel and he laughed at me and I couldn't believe how much this felt like before, like when we were together the first time. Then we just snuggled in bed, he held me and we kissed a little, like we'd fallen in love once more, and it was all new and exciting again.

We were very sweet and gentle with each other now, like we'd been before all of this shit. When we were about to fall asleep he whispered in my ear: "You're the loveliest thing in the world," and kissed the back of my neck lovingly, holding me. It made me completely warm, fluttering and blissful, and I fell asleep in his arms and it felt so bloody right.

The morning after we got up quietly and giggling, got dressed without waking his parents and used the fireplace in his room to Floo back to Hogsmeade and make our way back up to Hogwarts and back to the dorms before anyone noticed. We only missed the first morning lesson but luckily my bed drapes had been drawns so the girls wouldn't have known I didn't sleep there.

We kissed tenderly before going to our next lessons respectively and joined up with our friends, acting like nothing had happened. When I saw him next, at lunch in the Great Hall, we just smiled at each other. We didn't want to kiss in front of everyone. They would all just judge us. Plus I didn't know what me and Draco were yet.

That evening when everyone was studying in the common room me and Draco snuck away into his dorm and cuddled all night. The feeling of him playing with my fingers and kissing my forehead is just the best.