The more you put me through
The more it makes me wanna come back to you
You don't want me, I just want you more

New years came along and I spent it with the girls as Draco had insisted on a "boys night".

We were at a big Pureblood party in someone's manor house. I remember how sparkles were falling down, everyone was cheering, people were kissing all around me, and I'd never felt more alone and miserable.

I stood there in the dark stirring my drink. Tracey saw me and hastily came to hug me and we and Aurelia all laughed and kissed and said we'd be each other's boyfriends and that we don't need boyfriends, but through the laughter I felt like I was lying. I kept my smile plastered on my face, but inside I was breaking.

A few days after New Years we went back to Hogwarts for the start of the new term. The next few days felt very different. Draco wasted no time willifying Blaise and Daphne to anyone and everyone - the story quickly spread in Slytherin. I felt empty and missed my bestf riend but felt shitty about how everything had turned out. Was there perhaps a point in what Daphne had said? My stomach ached at the thought. I didn't want there to be. I wanted her to just take it all back, I wish we could turn back time and none of this would've happened.

A few evenings later that week me and Draco were cuddling in his dorm. We came upon the subject of how relationships should be... And then he said: "that's what I love about you.. You never stalk me like other girls, you never ask me stupid questions about other girls or get angry if I flirt..."

I just stared at him, mouth open. "That's what you love about me?" I finally got out. I felt shocked. My stomach hurt again. "You love that I let you cheat and that I don't show how much you hurt me?"

Draco gave a laugh, but I didn't feel like laughing. "No, love, not like that. Silly."

"Sod off," I muttered. My insides were warm with anger, I was shaking slightly. Sometimes he made me feel so sick.

He realised the severity in my tone and looked at me wordlessly. I swallowed and looked at his desk, staring at it for a moment.

Then, after a moment of tensed silence I said: "What sort of person are you?" and I felt disgusted.

He avoided looking at me, and seemed a little self-conscious, which is very unusual for him.

On Friday the girls snuck out to the Hog's Head. I decided to just stay in my dorm and have an early night, but after they left I suddenly felt very lonely.

Draco came over to sleep that night after he'd been out drinking. He smelled sweet, like girls perfume. No, I thought. I was imagining, I was only trying to find things to get upset with. A reason to get angry. Right?

"Come to bed, Pansy," he called from my bed as I was in the adjoining bathroom. I was shaking, not from the cold.

"Chill." He could tell something was up, he raised his eyebrows at me.

"What's your problem?"

"Nothing." I bit my lip, washed my hands, and curled into bed, turning my back to him. He didn't move. After a minute he switched off the lights.

That night I cried myself to sleep soundlessly, with my back to him. Half of me wished he would turn around, put his arms around me and wipe my tears away, but the other half wanted him to leave and never come back.

The next day I tried to find him all day. He wasn't anywhere around which was weird as we were in the same boarding school. Not like a normal boyfriend. A normal boyfriend wouldn't avoid his girlfriend. Draco did. He never did what normal boyfriends would. Not that I knew whether he even was my boyfriend.

I went to the common room where the boys were, playing Exploding Snap. But when I came there, Draco didn't even say hello to me. I felt humilliated. He obviously didn't want me there, and made it quite obvious for everyone. It was the most awkward evening ever.

He went to his dorm later, he didn't even say good night to me.

The next day I saw him at breakfast. When I woke up and had made my way to the Great Hall, he was just sitting there, stuffing his face with bacon, sausages, eggs and beans, making my friends laugh their faces off. Why was I the only one he only showed his bad sides to? Everyone else got the good sides. Tracey turned to look at me, still laughing. . "Oh, morning love!" she said cheerfully, still giggling.

Draco turned and gave me his best smile. "Morning," and a cheeky look. I didn't return his smile. I sat down and had some breakfast of my own.

"All right, darlings, I'm off to Potions. See you later," she called from the hall as she put her coat on.

"See you later," Draco replied merrily. I didn't say anything.

As soon as the door had closed behind her, and awkward and tensed silence spread between us.

"Why are you sitting with my friends?" I asked, tried to sound as casual as I could, and put a piece of toast in my mouth.

He shrugged. "You're my girlfriend. Aren't you?"

"I suppose so," I said coldly and took a sip of grapefruit juice.

"There's something I'd like to talk about," he said, surprising me. He didn't usually want to talk at all.

I looked up, my eyes still cold. "All right," I muttered.

"You need to know something," he began. "I know you've known the lads for a long time..."

He paused and ran a hand through his hair. "But... you know... something that's always been bothering me is that, you know... Since the day we first got together... they became, you know, my friends. When I'm with the lads, it's the only alone-time I get. Now that you're my girlfriend, you're just... You can't be there all the time."

He finished lamely. I stared at him. I couldn't believe the fucking nerve of him.

"You get that right?" He stuffed another spoonful of beans into his mouth. Disgusting. I just looked at him.

"You're litterally... fucking unbelievable," I finally got out. He swallowed his beans and stared at me.

"Are you really making this into a problem?" he threw up his hands, aggravated.

"You're... You're..." I was lliterally speechless. He was such a fucking idiot. The boys were my best friends. The fact that we'd all got along so well was one of the facts he'd fallen in love with me about.

"Is that really so weird?" he defended himself. "That I need to spend some time alone with the lads. You can't be everywhere, all the time!"

"Can you hear yourself?" I spat at him. He frowned at me. "You don't think I've got issues with you?" I said then, raising my voice, but it was shaking. He just looked at me. "I hate that you look at other girls, I hate how arrogant you are, I hate that you never show any emotion, I hate how everything is always on your terms, I hate how I always have to change for you but you can't, won't, ever change for me, because I'm not that important to you - you'll always be the same immature, selfish prick you've always been, and I can't believe how many times I've gone back to you! But I can't tell you any of this, I can't demand one fucking thing from you! I tiptoe around you to please you ALL THE TIME!"

I hastily got up, making the entire table shake and a package of cereal fell off the table and its contents spread onto the floor, but I'd already gone, I'd already left him sitting there without saying a word.

January ended and February came along. It was colder than ever in the castle. One weekendus girls went out and just for revenge, I was openly letting a boy flirt with me and buy me drinks and I laughed at his jokes, because Draco's friends were all there to see it and I could trust them to tell him immediately. I wanted him to know what he was tossing away - me.

As I'd hoped, Draco knew all about it the next day. He sent me a note in Transfiguration class. "What the fuck are you playing at?"

I didn't answer. He made me so angry. I ignored him all day. Our last class of the day was History of Magic. He sent me another note. "DISGUSTING" it said. I crumbled it, I didn't want to see it.

He caught me on my way back to the common room.

"What's up?" he said. I raised one eyebrow. Was that really all he had to say?

"Nothing."

"You've been ignoring me all day," he said. He didn't look very glad.

"What do you care?" I retorted. He gave a snort laugh.

"Yeah, I'm really the one who doesn't care, am I?"

"Yeah, you are."

"No, I'm fucking not."

"Yes, you are!"

I walked away. Wanker. He grabbed my arm. "Can we please have a mature conversation, this bollocks is doing my head in."

"No, I don't want to."

I went inside the common room and could hear him hurrying along after me.

"I can't do this anymore," he said behind me. Some first years looked up curiously. I felt completely empty.

"Oh, you, can't do this anymore?" I said, a tone of disgust.

"What did I do to deserve what you did last night?" he said. I shook my head, angry and sad. He was manipulating me again and he always had, I finally realised.

"The fact that you've even got to ask that is completely mental," I replied. Draco shook his head, and actually looked sad.

"You're not always so innocent love. You think you can't hurt me back but you can."

I gaped at him. No, I told myself. That was the manipulation again. Trying to make me feel guilty. "You're unbelievable," I said breathlessly.

"Fine," he said tiredly. "I'm going down to the pub in Hogsmeade."

"With who? The boys are still in Charms class."

He shrugged. "I don't know." He just left.

I felt dizzy. I went to my dorm, wondering who he was meeting in Hogsmeade. I fell asleep and several hours later I woke up, it was in the middle of the night, and Draco had come into my bed. He kissed my cheek and lay down with his back turned away. My stomach began aching again and I suddenly felt very awake. I turned around and tried to nestle in close and put my arms around him, just wanting to forget all of it, just wanting him to love me, but he showed no sign of invitation.

"Draco," I mumbled.

"Mm," he mumbled back, sounding sleepy.

"You don't want to cuddle?"

"We are cuddling aren't we?" he grunted.

I stayed silent for a moment, and then I asked: "What's going on?"

"Nothing," he claimed. "I'm just not up for it at the moment."

I stiffened. "And why is that?"

"You know why."

"No, I don't," I said, emphasising.

"You're off flirting with other blokes, aren't you," he muttered.

"Yeah, you're one to talk," I retorted, anger rising in me.

"I think you'll find that I've done nothing, while you have."

"Fuck off," I said and pulled my arms away, out from around him.

He turned to me finally, anger blazing in his eyes. "How am I supposed to trust you again?"

I gaped at him. "How are you supposed to trust me? You fucking idiot, how the fuck am I supposed to trust you then, you've cheated on me a hundred times, not to mention all the fucking mindgames you play to get the upper hand or just plainly to hurt me. I've only ever done anything for revenge. You've fucking started all of this."

I climbed out of the bed, finally shutting him up, walked out of my dorm, and pulled a blanket over myself and fell asleep on one of the sofas in the common room.

February turned into March and our relationship kept being rocky. I remembered asking him "Do you trust me?"

To where he said after a moment's pause. "No. I don't. Do you trust me?"

"No," I said at once.

On the weekend, as we were Prefects and very liked by the Carrows and Headmaster Snape we left and went home to see our parents. Mrs Malfoy and my mother had set up a dinner at Malfoy manor for the four of us. My father and Mr Malfoy both had to work.

Both our mothers were talking about how we had to be more considerate of each other and be more serious than we'd been and stop breaking up and making up. That if we failed this time as well then we should just let each other go.

I found it so awkward. I looked away and didn't say anything, just sipped my Elf-made wine.

"We love you both," Mrs Malfoy said. "It's not got anything to do with that, but you keep hurting each other."

Draco waved it off, hastiy commenting," Whatever, that's all still just between us."

"We're only looking out for you both," Narcissa said sternly.

"You know I hate it when people meddle in my business," Draco said looking at his mother pointedly.

"Your relationship is immature," said Mrs Parkinson. "The way you you keep teasing each other and giving mixed signals, Like you're still playing some sort of game, for Merlin's sake, you're both adults now! You're not fourteen anymore! You're behaving like children, just be frank with each other for once.

I sighed.

"You've been over this before," she went on, "you can't be just friends because you can't stay away from the other and you can't stand to see the other with someone else, you can't move on because the other one is right there, pushing others away. But you've established several times that a relatinship doesn't work either. You cant get over each other and move on if you spend time as some sort of twisted friends all the time. You need to get a clean break from each other. It's a dead end."

"Mother!" I said, shocked.

"Look at what you're already doing," said Narcissa. "You've already alienated yourselves from the group. It's not healthy."

"We didn't do that," muttered Draco, "Sodding Blaise Zabini did that."

"Don't swear," Narcissa warned him.

Me and Draco looked at each other, but didn't say anything.

Draco laughed loudly when I asked if we could go on a double date with Tracey and her new boyriend Liam Urquhart.

"Love, listen carefully to this... you'll never, ever, have me going to a double date." He said it slowly, smirking, as if I was dumb. I rolled my eyes. He went on: "especially not with Urquhart. He's my old Quidditch captain you know."

"I just thought it might be fun."

"No, ever. End of," he said. "Pansy, you know I'm not like that. You can't change me."

A few days later he gave in. And that weekend we went for a few Butterbeers at the Three Broomsticks.

After a few drinks, Tracey said, laughing, "I just have to tell you Draco, that I've seen your private parts."

We all burst out laughing.

"How the hell have you managed that?" Draco laughed.

"It was when you two first got together, in, what, fifth year?" she laughed, "and all the girls asked about how you were in like in bed, cos I think they all had a bit of a crush on you back then." We all laughed again. "And it slipped out of Pansy that she'd taken a naked photo of you in bed and that if you were that big, it was impossible to be bad, you know, and the girls persuaded her to show it finally."

"What did you think then?" Draco joked in his usual teasing way. We all burst out laughing again.

I looked at him, was he flirting? She rolled her eyes.

"Oh nothing wrong with it... but yeah... all right," laughed Tracey.

When we were back in his bed in his dorm later, I couldn't help but to say, "Why would you ask if she liked how your dick looked?"

"What?" Draco asked, surprised.

"Yeah, you were flirting weren't you."

Draco laughed loudly. "Yeah I was flirting with Tracey. Your best friend. Bloody hell!"

"Fine," I said grumpily. He attacked me with kisses and teased me for being jealous.

Three fucking years. I let my friends, and myself down, for him. I always chose him over everything else. And what did I get for it?

Draco left Hogwarts for Easter Holidays without saying goodbye, to go do something for the Dark Lord.

Without even saying goodbye.

I didn't see him for three weeks after that. I can't believe he did that to me.

I didn't really know how to begin to explain how that felt. I felt heartbroken and betrayed for the hundred time and I was so sick with both him and myself that I just wanted to disappear. He didn't think of me one second in making that decision.

He sent me flowers for my birthday. Without even a card. I threw them away. I had no idea where he was. I just wanted him to let me go, for my own sake.

I came crawling back to Daphne then. She took me back with open arms, thank Merlin. The girls all took me out for my birthday. I felt dead inside.

Then, a spring evening in late May, my mother called me from downstairs. "Darling," she said, and I knew she meant me because she never called my father that.

"What?" I called back.

"Draco is here."

"What are you talking about? He's away for the Dark Lord."

"Just come downstairs."

My heart started pounding and I realised I was wearing a dirty old pyjamas. I panicked. I was shaking as I walked downstairs. I felt nauseous. There he stood, handsome as ever, in a black travel cloak, next to my mother who looked confused and surprised. He was holding the biggest boquet of red roses I'd ever seen. I swallowed thickly, and tried to control my breathing.

He broke out into a big smile as he saw me. I frowned and didn't smile back.

"So good to see you, Draco," beamed Mrs Parkinson. "Isn't it, darling."

I hesitantly stepped forward to kiss both of Draco's cheeks. I was brought up well after all.

I pulled back, studied him and gave him a fake smile, extremely nervous.

"You look nice," he said.

I glanced down at my pyjama bottoms. "No, I don't..."

He chuckled and reached out the roses. I bit my lip. "How uncharacteristic," I couldn't help but to mumble and accepted them hesitantly.

"Pansy, don't be rude," my mother said. I turned to give her a glare.

"Mother, could you give us a moment?"

She smiled brightly "Of course my darlings. Have fun." She winked and left the room. I rolled my eyes.

He chuckled again. "Didn't you get the ones I sent for your birthday?"

"Yeah I did.." I looked down on the roses, I held them awkwardly. "I threw them away."

"Ouch," he said. "How are you anyway? How have you been."

"I mean... Good I guess. You?"

"I'm ok," he said and I could tell he was exhausted. "Been a few long weeks."

I just looked at him. Why wasn't he apologising?

He placed his hands on my hips, trying to get closer but I took a step back. He just looked at me.

"Well what are you doing here?" I said finally, looking at him. He looked back at me.

Then he started grinning: "You dont want me here?"

"I don't know..."

"Cheer up mate."

"Why, I'm happy."

"No you're being weird."

"No I'm not," I said quietly.

"You're angry with me."

"Why would I be angry."

"Because I left," he said and looked away.

I looked up at him. "Am I supposed to be soo glad to see you again or something?"

Draco looked taken aback.
He frowned: "You're being a bitch.." There was a silence again. I looked away. There was so much I wanted to say but nothing came out.

"I got you flowers..."

"Yeah I can see that."

Draco didn't reply. It was awkward. He looked away and snorted, annoyed. "Well I thought you'd be happy to see me, and that the first place I went as soon as I came back was, you know, here…"

"Why would that make me happy?" I still looked away.

I could feel him tensing up. "What's your problem?"

I didn't reply.

"Can you look at me?"

I looked up at him.

"Can you just tell me what the problem is?"

"You cant just come running back to me all the time!" I burst out.

"What?" Draco said.

"You told me how much you loved me and how special I was to you and then you panicked and left for a month! How can you do things like this to me? Over and over."

"Pansy, this time it wasn't my choice to leave. It was the Dark Lord," he whispered.

I wasn't listening. "Draco, don't you think that if you and I were you know 'supposed' or 'meant' to be together then we would be by now?"

Draco frowned at me: "That.. that's just because..,"

"What? Because what? Because you can't commit at all? Because you only want me when you can't have me?"

Draco stared at me, shaking his head slightly: "No… no thats not it..."

"Then what is it? We've been over this a hundred times! You hate me, you tease me, you pull other girls in front of me to hurt me, and you only want one last shag with me, and then all of a sudden you love me and you say that I'm the only girl for you, and when I fall for that, and we get together, you get bored because it's not dramatic anymore and you can't just be with me like before."

Draco only looked at me, speechless, slightly shaking his head. He ran a hand through his hair.

"You know I'm right. So we've reached the same exact spot like last year. Where all the drama was finished. And you said you wanted to get together, that you loved me and that you could be with me without the drama, but look at how that turned out!"

"So what do you want from me? You don't want me to tell you i want to be with you right now?"

"Nn-no… no." I shook my head, looking up at him. "Because it's not true."

"Yes it is!" Draco said, exasperated. "So what do you want from me? D'you want me to just leave and we won't see each other again?"

I nodded. "Yes."

"Well I can't just do that!" he said, "If we're not meant to be together then how come we can't fucking get over each other? I know it's not just me."

I hid my face in my hands. "I don't want you" she said. I had a lump in my throat.

"Thats not true."

"Yes it is."

"No, Pansy, it's not." he was firm. "You're just so scared."

I reluctantly teared up. "Yeah and you don't think I've got reasons?"

"Yes but that's all in the past. I didn't leave you because I wanted to."

"You can't say that though," I dried my tears, ashamed of them.

"Yes I can! Because I know that all I want is to be with you. You're all I need."

"That's not true either. That's how you feel right now. But then you change."

"I wont ever change again, I promise. You have no idea what I've seen over the last month. I know what's important in life now—"

"It's like you're two different people or something, like one minute you're like this," I gave a sobm "and then you get sick of me and you treat me like, like you dont even know me, like the way you treat me sometimes is just shocking, you can be so totally cold at hateful towards me..."

"I know, I know and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I do that," he said quickly and wiped my tears, but they kept coming.

"Because you cant be with just one girl."

He just looked at me. "But I want to be with you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life."

"No you don't, Draco."

"Give me a chance, I promise I won't fuck it up this time."

"How many chances are you going to get?" I was crying badly now and he kept wiping my tears, looking like his heart was breaking.

"Just one more" he whispered, he looked like he was about to start crying too. He came closer, still wiping my tears. He was trying to get near me but I backed away.

I raised my crying voice. "You know my friends think I'm mad being with you all these years."

"Fuck 'em" he mumbled, looking like he was tearing up.

"You know how many times you've embarassed me by cheating on me and things like that, after I've told my friends that you wouldn't do that to me."

"Why do you care what they think?" he tried moving in closer again.

"Because," she sobbed out "it's not only what they think, it's what I think of myself as well."

Draco put a hand over his face to hide his tears. "I'm sorry" he kept on saying.

"You make me stupid and weak and I hate that, I hate that I can't say no to you and I always come back to you. It's not good for me."

"Noone else is good enough for you."

"But you think you are? You think I deserve how you have treated me? You're playing with my heart, you always have!" I couldn't stop crying, it was uncontrollable. Tears were now running down his cheeks too and he stopped hiding it.

"NO, I know, you don't deserve that, you don't. But I'm different now."

"I-if you l-love me as much as you s-say you do, then you should l-let me go, Draco," I sobbed. He shook his head, tears running down his eyes.

"I cant do that. I'm sorry. But I can't."

"You can't ever be what I want you to be."

"But I'm me, and you won't ever settle for anything else, even if someone else has everything you want."

I kept on crying.

"You know that," Draco said, wiping his own tears.

"I want you to let me go."

"No you don't." He snaked in his arms around my waist and pulled my towards him, holding me. "Let me go."

"No," he mumbled, holding me harder.

"I just hate you for doing this to me," I sobbed into his chest.

"I'd rather have you hate me than not being in your life at all," he mumbled, pressing me close, nuzzling in his face in my neck."I'm sorry."

I sighed deeply.

"I want to do this for real. Us. No pettiness, no breaking up and getting back together, I want to be with you properly, just be with you, no more drama, no more games."

"Well that's what I want too," I sobbed.

"So let's just do it."

"But why doesn't it ever work then? I've wanted to just be with you for so long, but we keep breaking up anyway."

"Because I've been a stupid little boy. Listen, I want to do this properly, I don't want any other girls, ever again, I just want you, for all my life,"

"No because you'll get bored after a few months, you always do."

"No, I wont. Please just trust me on that, I promise you. I just want you."

I didn't reply, I just cried and let him hold me.

"I can't lose you," he said.

"You LEFT," I said blamingly.

"I had to. But I never want to be apart from you again. Pansy," he grabbed my face so that we were looking into each other's eyes. My heart was beating. "When we finish Hogwarts in a couple months... I want to marry you."

I gaped at him.

"What?" I mumbled, finally my tears stopped running, probably out of sheer shock.

"I've seen some things and the Dark Lord scares me. I just want it all to be over. If I survive I want to marry you. Nothing in the world is more important than this. All I want is for us to survive."

I stared at him. "What are you actually saying?"

"Pansy," he said and pulled back. He got down on one knee and pulled something out of his travelling cloak. It was a small velvet box.

"Will you marry me?"

I was straddling him on my bed. His head was leaned back and my arms were around his neck. We just sat there smiling at each other. I planted kisses all over him. All over his face, neck and head. He let me. He was smiling.

Maybe it was meant to be after all.