Chapter 5

Jarrod didn't speak, didn't get up, didn't move at all. Victoria came to him and sat on the sofa opposite him, saying, "Miss Saxon is cleaning up for dinner. I wish you had given us some warning, Jarrod."

"I didn't have any to give," Jarrod said.

"How bad was it in town?"

"Bad," Jarrod said. "She couldn't stay there safely. She can't perform there. I don't know why she came here at all."

Victoria said. "She came to see you. You know that."

Jarrod hesitated. "Well, she can't stay. I'll put her on the train at Grove Junction in the morning."

Victoria said, "She's a beautiful woman. I can understand how easy it would be for a man to fall in love with her, especially a young man off at war, like Matt Parker. Like you."

Jarrod said, "Her beauty doesn't mean a thing to me anymore, Mother."

"But it did once. You were in love with her. Were you aware how much in love she was with you?"

Jarrod hesitated again and ended up saying, "That was a long time ago."

"Was it? She still loves you, Jarrod. Doesn't some part of you still love her, or the memory of it, or has the hate overwhelmed you over the years?"

"Mother, I haven't given her a thought over the years."

"Except when Matt Parker was killed."

Jarrod didn't say anything.

"Or maybe you don't know which it is, love or hate, or both, or neither," Victoria said. "Whatever it is, deal with it, and please don't take it out on Nick. We could hear you in the living room."

"I'm not angry with Nick," Jarrod said. "It's more like he's angry with me. He'll be eating in the bunkhouse. Heath will keep an eye on him."

"And we'll have as quiet a dinner as we can," Victoria said. "Whatever your feelings are toward Julia, Jarrod, I hope you can resolve them a bit while she's here. I think you need to."

Jarrod didn't say anything.

Victoria got up, kissed him on the forehead, and went out.

Jarrod just sat there. He ached, to have upset his family, to have brought Julia here when he knew the reception would be bad, but most of all to have loved her once. The old feelings were still there, underneath the guilt and resentment over Matt Parker. He wanted to keep them there, buried, but now, sitting here in his ever-present darkness, he remembered that once he had been in love and back then, it felt wonderful.

But now, nothing was ever feeling wonderful again. It never could. He was blind, and useless without an assistant, and certainly not a man a woman would fall in love with. All he had to remember of love was Julia Saxon, and it had long ago turned bitter and ugly. But it was all he had.

XXXXXXX

Dinner was only Victoria, Jarrod and Julia, and it was extraordinarily quiet. Nick and Heath avoided Julia completely. The next morning, Nick and Heath were back in the bunkhouse for breakfast, but they were watching from there when Clarence rolled up in the surrey and went into the house.

"Looks like they're leaving early," Heath said. "I guess Jarrod's serious about getting her on the train at Grove Junction."

"I hope so, and I hope she does it," Nick said. "She's nothing but trouble for everybody."

In a moment, Clarence was escorting Julia out to the surrey. Jarrod was behind them, carrying his briefcase, having only a little trouble locating the surrey before he climbed in beside Julia in the back seat. In another moment, Clarence moved the surrey out, Jarrod holding onto the side to keep his balance, Julia sitting straight with her head held high.

They barely got to the Stockton road before Julia cried, "No! Stop! I want to go to Stockton!"

"Keep going, Clarence," Jarrod said, "to Grove Junction."

"No!" Julia demanded and started to get up.

Jarrod felt her weight shift, and he pulled her back down. "Pull over, Clarence," he said, holding onto Julia.

Clarence pulled to the side of the road, right where the lane to the Barkley property joined it, and he waited.

Julia tried to wrench away, but Jarrod held tight. "Julia, get hold of yourself," he said. Then, he said, "Clarence, get lost for a minute or two. Give us some privacy."

Clarence climbed out of the surrey and made sure it was secured to the fencepost there at the property entrance before he wandered off a hundred feet or so and lit up a cigar. He watched, but he didn't listen. He really didn't have to listen to know what was going on.

"Julia, can't you see, if you go to Stockton you're only asking for trouble?" Jarrod said. "Matt Parker's brothers alone are going to be after your head, and there's no one there who can help you. I can't help you, surely you can see that."

Julia reached to touch his cheek, but he flinched away. She lowered her hand. "I know you hate me. I guess I didn't realize how much."

"I don't hate you, Julia," Jarrod said in a voice that lacked any emotion. "I just want you gone, for your sake as well as everyone else's."

Julia was silent for a moment, but Jarrod could tell he had just hurt her. "I loved you, Jarrod. I still love you. I'd have come here a long time ago, but it wasn't until now I worked up the courage to find out if you still might love me."

"I can't forgive and forget, Julia," Jarrod said.

"I know," she said, "but I guess I had hoped you'd try to understand, and maybe if you did, there might be something left of what we had."

"What I understand is that I introduced you to Matt Parker," Jarrod said, "and he's dead. I can't take you to Stockton, Julia. You can't perform there. It will only lead to trouble."

"I have a contract."

"MacGregor won't sue you. Go back to the south. You'll be welcomed there, even loved. That's not going to happen here. Here, you're just going to get hurt."

Julia was silent for a while. Jarrod wasn't sure what she was thinking until she said, "A long time ago, I was a young and ambitious girl who didn't know what she was doing. I got swept up in the cotillions and the glamour of the slave owning aristocrats and thought that was what I wanted, that kind of life, rich and famous, and all I had to do to have it was collect little bits and pieces of information that the aristocrats wanted. How could I be hurting anyone? Then I met you, and for the first time – for the only time, Jarrod, I fell in love, genuinely in love. But by then it was too late. I was trapped. After the war, I made my way through the south and I kept myself fed and housed but I never found – " She choked. She couldn't finish saying it. She couldn't put into words how empty her life had turned out.

"Julia," Jarrod said, "surely you can see that I can't give you what you're looking for, for more reasons than one. I can't forget Matt Parker would never have met you if it hadn't been for me, and I can't love you now. That doesn't mean I want to turn you over to his brothers or the other people in Stockton who would crucify you, and even destroy you. Please. For the memory of what we had once, get on the train at Grove Junction and go back to the south."

"You don't treasure what we had once," Julia said bitterly.

"Yes, I do," Jarrod said, "but it was once. It isn't anymore. It can't be anymore, no matter how much you might want it to be. I don't love you anymore."

Julia looked at him, at those beautiful blue eyes that had once looked at her with joy and love in them. Now they were blank, and it wasn't just because they were blind. The joy and love was gone. Had she taken that away from him as surely as she had taken life away from Matt Parker?

Because now she finally admitted to herself – she was responsible for what had happened to Matt Parker.

Julia touched Jarrod's face again for just a moment. He flinched again. She took her hand down. "I'm sorry, Jarrod," Julia said, "for everything. Take me to Grove Junction."