Chapter 6

Everyone knew that Julia Saxon coming to Stockton had taken a lot out of Jarrod. For weeks he seemed more tired, more drawn. He didn't talk about it, and they didn't really understand what about her had hit him so hard. He knew, though. It wasn't just Matt Parker. It wasn't just because Julia reminded him of the much younger man who fell in love with her, a man who could see. It wasn't just the past that grated on him. It was a future that Julia somehow made him believe was lost in darkness. It was because he knew she wasn't what he wanted anymore, even if she wanted him. It was because he realized what kind of woman he did want - inner beauty mattered most, compassion as well as passion, kindness and devotion to him and the family they could have together.

Except that he was blind now. What did he have to offer a woman like that?

He found it harder and harder to concentrate on his work or even to smile. Even Audra had a hard time drawing him out, when she usually managed to do it just by bubbling over about something or other.

For his family, it got to be worrisome. It got to be too much of a reminder of the first few days after Jarrod was blinded, when he pulled so far inside of himself that he'd sit in his room in the dark, taking his meals alone, silent and sullen almost all of the time. "Is his attitude affecting his work?" Victoria finally asked Clarence after he and Jarrod had come home one day. Jarrod had gone upstairs to clean up.

Clarence sighed. "It is. He certainly seems to be caught in a 'what might have been' mood, and not just about Julia Saxon. About everything, especially his blindness."

"Perhaps I should talk to him," Victoria said.

"Why don't you let me do that, Mother?" Clarence said. "We've become very close since we've been working together, and I've been looking for an opening. And oddly enough, the fact that he has never seen me might make it a little easier to talk to me."

Victoria looked surprised.

Clarence said, "If he's trapped in 'what might have been,' at least with me he doesn't have to deal with 'what used to be' too. If you talk to him, he'll be seeing you in his mind's eye and it'll hurt him. Me, he's never seen. There won't be any longing there."

"You have a point," Victoria said.

"Why don't I go get Audra and we'll come back for dinner? After dinner, I'll take Jarrod out for a walk, and we'll talk."

Victoria smiled and nodded. "Thank you, Clarence. You know," she added, "sometimes I think you've been heaven sent."

Clarence smiled and kissed her forehead.

Jarrod didn't suspect anything when Clarence fetched Audra and they came for dinner. That was not an unusual occurrence, but he did get a little uneasy when Clarence suggested they take a walk after dinner. Clarence took him by the arm, they lit cigars and strolled out in the stable yard, and Jarrod was certain Clarence was about to tell him he was going to leave the firm and strike out on his own. He'd been expecting that for a while. It made sense. He'd been feeling like he was only dragging Clarence down now, not mentoring him anymore, especially given the mood he'd been in lately.

So, he was surprised when Clarence simply said, "You haven't been yourself, Jarrod, and everybody's worried about you. You've gotten yourself wound up in a 'what might have been' mood since Julia Saxon was here, and it's clear it's because you loved her once and she reminded you of what you didn't have, including your eyesight. Mother wanted to talk to you about it, but I thought it would be better if we talked, you and I, partner to partner."

Jarrod wondered what to say. Clarence already seemed to know the problem without Jarrod having to say anything, and apparently so did the rest of the family. Were his feelings that transparent?

Clarence said, "Jarrod, have you ever in the deepest part of your heart, maybe in the middle of the night when you wake up and can't go back to sleep – have you ever really wondered what your life might have been like if you hadn't lost your sight, or if you had regained it? I mean, really thought about it, not just felt sorry for yourself about it."

"I don't feel sorry for myself," Jarrod said.

"All right, maybe that was a poor choice of words. Maybe it's more like you feel hamstrung by that feeling that life would have been better for you if you hadn't been blinded, but have you ever really, really thought about it?"

"No," Jarrod said quickly. "That's a road I never want to go down."

"Why? Do you just assume it would have been better?"

"I'm totally blind, Clarence," Jarrod said, sighing with resignation. "I don't even know when it is the middle of the night. To me, it's always the middle of the night. When this first happened, after the first month or so, I stopped wondering what my life would be like if my sight came back, because it wasn't coming back. I haven't allowed myself to wonder. I – " He fumbled. "I can't bear it," he finally said.

"Because you assume it would have been better? Why do you make that assumption?"

Jarrod choked a laugh. "Are you telling me it could have been worse?"

"Yes, it could have been. Think about things that have happened, how they might have happened differently if you could see. Some of them, it's obvious, might not have been better."

"Clarence, you don't know what you're talking about."

"John Cole was severely wounded in a depot hold-up by the Dunigan brothers. That would have been you in there if you were sighted. You might have been killed and left your family devastated."

Jarrod had to admit, Clarence was right about that. He'd have been there instead of John Cole, but, "It's reaching a lot to say I'd have been killed."

"Well, you would have been shot, that's pretty clear, and you'd have been hurt at least as bad as John Cole was. And what about Cass Hyatt?"

"What about him?"

"He laughed at your blindness. It was enough for him. He didn't try to kill you. If you were sighted, he might have killed you, or killed someone around you trying to get to you."

Jarrod heaved a sigh. "Clarence, we can't speculate what might have happened. We just can't know."

"No, not entirely, not with 100% certainty," Clarence said. "But we do know you would have been places you can't go now. We do know in those two cases, disaster might have happened that you averted, because you're blind. I'm not saying that you should think that maybe it's not so bad being blind, but Jarrod, there is a strong possibility that if you were not blind, you'd be dead now. Think about that."

Jarrod had to admit to himself, he hadn't thought about those possibilities. When he thought about them now, he wasn't sure what to do with the thoughts. He actually didn't want to think things might have been worse if he weren't blind. If things hadn't been this way, wasn't it possible they might have been better? Wasn't that as possible as dying in the train depot, or dying by Cass Hyatt's hand?

But did it matter anyway? He was blind. He would always be blind. Maybe he would have been dead otherwise, but he was alive, and he was blind.

Clarence said, "I for one am glad you're alive, even if you are blind. I'd never have met you if you weren't. I'd never have met my wife and I wouldn't be expecting our first child with her. I'd have never had you for my mentor. Jarrod, if I could give you one of my eyes, I would, but I can't. I can only be grateful for what is, and that is that you're alive and part of my life."

Jarrod gave a sad laugh. "Actually, I am grateful for that, too, all of it. It's just – well, like you said. Lately I've gotten wound up in what might have been and think it had to have been better. I never considered things might have been worse."

"I don't mean to make you feel worse than you already do," Clarence said. "I'm told I have a pretty good feel for events, for how things are and how they might have been different. I don't know if that's true, but I do seem to be able to find my way happily through the mire sometimes just by reading the signs that I see but other people don't. I just want to help you find your way happily through your mire."

Jarrod gave a happier laugh. "You have helped me, Clarence, more than I can tell you, and you have a real point. I might have been dead months ago if I weren't blind. Maybe what might have been might not have been so good."

"Well, just think about it," Clarence said. "But don't think too hard. Come back to us. Don't get lost in the past. If the future is still too tough to think about, at least come back to the present."

"You've made your point," Jarrod said. "I'll do better."

XXXXX

Jarrod did perk up, bit by bit, but it was a couple weeks before something happened that really seemed to pull him back to the present. Audra and Clarence had come for dinner, when Audra suddenly cried, "Oh!" and sat up straight on the settee next to her mother.

Jarrod suddenly sensed something, something not bad even if she did sound startled. There was a little bit of a laugh in her voice.

"What is it?" Clarence, standing near the mantle next to where Jarrod was sitting, asked and moved toward her. Everyone but Jarrod moved a little toward her, and he leaned forward in his chair.

But Audra smiled. "The baby kicked!"

Everyone laughed, and Clarence came to his wife. He put his hand on her now noticeably larger abdomen, and suddenly he laughed too. "You're right! He did!"

"She did," Audra corrected him.

"Is this the first time you've felt him or her?" Victoria asked.

"Yes," Audra beamed. "Oh, Mother, how wonderful!"

Victoria laughed. "We'll see how wonderful it is in a couple months when you can't see your feet anymore and he or she is leaning on your stomach."

Audra straightened again. "Oh, there it is again!"

"Somebody's trying to get more comfortable," Victoria said.

Audra beamed - but suddenly she noticed that Jarrod was smiling too.