"Noo," Jaune moaned to himself. "No more Snoo Snoo! Make it Stop!"
"Jaune," said Salem calmly.
"No more!"
"Jaune!" Salem shouted.
Jaune's eyes shot open at the sound of hre voice. HE looked around and found himself lying on the hard floor with Salem looking above him.
"What happened?" he asked.
"You choked on your sandwich and fainted," said Salem. "Then you had a weird dream about being, in your own words, 'pummeled' by an original character."
Jaune felt his face beging to burn when Salem mentioned that. He noticed that there was nobody around but the two of them. This could only mean one thing.
"Was it you who saved me?" he asked, reaching to touch Salem's hand.
"No," said Salem abruptly. "I had Doctor Watts give you CPR."
Jaune lifted his head even further and saw Watts standing in the corner, stroking his mustache while winking at Jaune.
"Do you think you could erase my memory or something?" Jaune asked Salem. "I kind of want to forget I never heard what you just said."
"Nonsense," said Salem. "Painful memories only make you stronger. I have many of my own."
"Like what?" asked Jaune. He was genuinely curious. Something awful must have happened to make Salem the way she was.
"Kids at school used to say that I looked like someone who'd been baptized in bleach."
"And that was it?"
"Gods no. There was also the time I was given four idiotic henchmen who struggled to defeat four teenage girls."
Jaune could hear Watts shifting uncomfortably as Salem said that.
"But why focus on the bad?" asked Jaune. "Aren't there any good memories?"
Salem looked up and stroked her chin for a couple seconds.
"There was that time I thought Ozpin died," she said. "I would have loved to have his body here so I could dissect it and use his intestines to decorate my palace."
"That's lovely," Jaune mumbled, "but what if you kept his intestines inside his body? Wouldn't that be nice?"
"I suppose," Salem said, sounding like it was an idea she'd never thought of before. "It means I could at least make him suffer by stuffing razors in his food."
"See?" said Jaune. "Now we're getting onto something! Okay, so how about I mention one more thing?"
"Go ahead."
Jaune took one last deep breath before speaking. He knew that whatever he said could go well or wrong for him. Autumn Rose may have been a dream, but there was no telling if Salem actually had original characters like that. Even if she hadn't been real, Jaune could still feel the cellulite slapping against his face.
"What's one thing you've always wanted? And don't say anything about taking over the world. Just think. What's one thing you've always wanted?"
Salem stared at Jaune, eyes burning red. He looked over at Watts for reassurance and got nothing but an awkward eyebrow raise.
"How do I know that the information I'm about to give you won't be used for the nefarious schemes of your allies?"
"Because Ruby's probably too busy getting her face sat on by Penny."
"What?"
"Nothing. Just believe me when I say that I won't tell anybody your secret."
"Watts," said Salem loudly. "I request your absence immediately."
"As you wish," said Watts with a bow. He then turned away and walked out of the room.
Salem waited until she could no longer hear his footsteps and leaned closely to Jaune's ear.
"I've always wanted to experience an emotional moment."
Jaune could feel the muscles in his jaw loosen as it fell open.
"But isn't that what we're trying to do?" asked Jaune.
"It's not the same," said Salem. "I do these pairings because I need to, but I've always wanted to see what it's like to engage in a truly emotional moment. You see, I'm a very powerful woman. I can have you made into my servant for life or give you power beyond your imagination. Unfortunately, my henchmen aren't the best of companions. Ask me why."
"W-Why?" Jaune stuttered.
"Because they have the emotional chemistry of a urine sample. Every day of my life is spent standing in place and staring at my backyard, imagining what the rest of the world will look like under my control. You wouldn't believe how exhausting it can be to have incompetents working for you."
Jaune looked away and blinked a couple of times. This didn't sound like Salem. Salem was emotionless, cold, obsessed with conquest. Was this a sign that she trusted him, or was he just digging himself into a hole. You could never tell with Salem. He had to ask her what he was thinking.
"So do you think I could show you that emotional moment?" Jaune asked, reaching for Salem's hand so he could grab it dramatically.
"No," said Salem.
Jaune felt his heart sink. "Why?" he asked.
"Because you're a pussy."
Jaune felt his heart shatter into pieces and fall into an incinerator.
"You really don't have to be so blunt about that," said Jaune.
"I can't help it," said Salem. "I only speak in vague terms when it comes to plot points."
Jaune sighed and rolled his head back. The moon was beginning to set outside and nothing had been achieved. At this rate, he'd be lucky if he even got Salem to pat his shoulder. It was then that Jaune remembered something that he'd forgotten. Women loved being serenaded. It may not have worked with Weiss, but that was only because her dad smacked all the good taste in music out of her head. Salem was different. She was a woman and would adore his song. Jaune had a goofy grin on his face that continued to grow as he thought of it.
"Excuse me," he said to Salem. "May I be excused?"
"I don't see why not," said Salem. "I'll just be here imagining the world under my control. "
"Sounds great!" said Jaune. "I'll be off, uh, angsting over Pyrrha!"
Jaune ran outside and went to find the woman named Cinder. Salem probably wouldn't appreciate an acoustic song by Jaune, but she would probably love a death metal song with Cinder as the lead singer. This was an idea that had almost no chance of failing. Jaune was sure of it.