*Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the characters in it. I simply borrow them for my own musings and fantasies and do not get paid for their use in said musings or fantasies. –Nira
***TRIGGER WARNING***
Please be advised that this chapter contains graphic depictions of rape/non-consensual sex. Please continue reading at your own discretion. Thank you.
Chapter 25
Yuriko was barely eighteen years old and she and Rin had become mercenaries to make ends meet, working with a group of rogue ninjas from different villages who had banded together as a way to protect themselves and their vagabond way of life. They'd successfully completed a major heist, ambushing a caravan of traveling merchants and one of the carts had had a large stash of alcohol. Most of the group had already taken part in the spoils and were singing loudly around a campfire or betting their portion of the plunder away. Rin, unfortunately, was one of them who had not only drunk at least a bottle and a half of sake to herself but was also betting her own shares and losing horribly because most of the other players were cheaters and she was too drunk to notice. She would pass out soon, Yuriko thought, and then hopefully she could drag her teacher away to their shared tent and be done for the night. In the meantime, Yuriko, remained quiet with a book in her hands as she sat in a corner of the camp near enough to the fire to stay warm but far enough away to avoid most of the ridiculousness of the adults around her.
"We have to celebrate!" came the raucous laughter of the guy that all of the men in the troupe called "boss" as he threw his arm around Yuriko's shoulders and she cringed under the weight of it and the excessive scent of body odor and alcohol on his breath and spilled in his facial hair. "Come on! Live a little! Drink with us!"
He was a heavyset man with a thick, bushy beard and mustache and a belly as round as a barrel. He had to be in his late thirties, at least, Yuriko thought based on the occasional gray hair in his beard. Rin didn't like him and she warned Yuriko not to get too comfortable around him, but the jobs that he set up paid well so she dealt with him and his crew for the sake of a steady paycheck of sorts. When Rin wasn't drunk, she was an excellent protector for Yuriko, but when she'd been drinking, their roles often reversed with Yuriko playing the responsible adult and Rin needing the babysitter. Rin was the reason that Yuriko refused to drink. She saw firsthand how someone could completely lose their self and not have an iota of a clue of what happened when they awoke with a splitting migraine that left them incapacitated for upwards of a day or two.
"I'm fine, thanks," Yuriko stated, not making eye contact and trying to shrug the heavy man off of her to no avail.
"Suit yourself…"
About another half hour went by of the troupe's shenanigans and debauchery and most of the men had passed out wherever they were and the fire was dying, so Yuriko decided to drag Rin to the tent and call it a night. On her way over to her teacher, the boss and a couple of the guys stood in her way with a look in their eyes that would become synonymous with "danger" in Yuriko's mind. It was a look that she learned to describe as predatory and hungry and when it was aimed at her, it would make her skin crawl and ice travel down her spine.
"Move," Yuriko demanded with a glare, tired and not wanting to deal with their antics.
"Don't you wanna play, Yuri-chan?" the boss chided. "You've been sittin' all alone in the corner all night."
"Don't make me repeat myself."
Her glare hardened and her hand reached for the katana that she kept at her hip. When her fingers grasped at nothing but air, her eyes widened and the men cackled as the fat man held her katana by the sheath between his grubby fingers, a smug grin across his face. Before Yuriko could make a move to retrieve the weapon, four more men came up from behind her. One kicked her knees, forcing her to kneel while another forced a rag into her mouth and tied it painfully tight around the back of her head and the other two held her arms.
"You're an annoying little shit, you know that? You and that whore of a teacher that you travel with," the fat man glared as he walked closer. "We took you in out of the kindness of our hearts and you have been nothing but a couple of thorns in my fucking side. You can't take orders, you talk back, you don't celebrate with us. Do you think you're fucking better than us?"
Yuriko laughed, muffled from the rag in her mouth but it was ended abruptly as the fat man's meaty fist made contact with the side of her head leaving Yuriko seeing stars.
"Teach this bitch a fucking lesson," he demanded and the men holding her cackled menacingly as they shoved her into the ground and ripped open her ghi.
Yuriko tried to resist through the grogginess of the concussion that she had, but she was severely outnumbered and overpowered. The men took absolutely no time stripping her of every shred of clothing and helping themselves to her smooth, tender skin. Disgusting, filthy hands and mouths touched and roamed in places that Yuriko hadn't even touched except to wash, probing and prodding and imposing while Yuriko cried, praying that she was just in a nightmare and that Rin would wake her up and tell her that everything was going to be alright. When seconds turned into agonizing minutes and Rin was still unconscious just a few feet away, Yuriko knew that she was completely helpless for the second time in her life.
One of the men got tired of the pawing and groping and decided that he was going to finish himself off. He forced her legs apart and rammed his dirty, loathsome cock into her uninviting virginity and refused to stop as she screamed in pain and blood trickled onto the ground. One of the guys saw the stream of blood and laughed maniacally.
"Did you know this broad was a virgin?! You just took a virgin pussy!"
"It's not a surprise, the fuckin' prude. It's no wonder she's no fuckin' fun," another chimed in.
"Fuck, is she tight, though! I'm already gonna cum!"
Yuriko screamed in protest as hot tears streamed down her face and she thrashed about trying desperately to get away to absolutely no avail. As his hips kept thrusting painfully into hers, Yuriko could feel him pulsing inside of her until a rush of warmth was released and he grunted along with it, his face contorting into an ugly furrowed brow, open-mouthed expression. It was then that the life in Yuriko's eyes completely faded away and she became the shell of a human- a warm breathing rag doll to be used and abused by these worthless pieces of shit until they'd had their fill.
Her life was forfeit, she thought. She was going to become the repository for the seed of all of these spineless bastards and she would end up pregnant and forced to carry the illegitimate offspring- a constant reminder of the second worst day of her entire life- or find a way to end either the demon spawn's life or her own before it had a chance to mature and destroy her life more than it already was. Even death would have been a better solution than having to carry the result of such a brutal, abhorrent rape.
The assault continued for what seemed an eternity and when they had had enough, they knocked her out so she couldn't follow them as the troupe packed up to move on. Yuriko awoke in the center of the campsite naked, shivering, covered in semen and bruises, and had a migraine and cotton mouth that made her nauseous while Rin was still passed out, though untouched. Yuriko tried to stand but the pain in her legs, hips, and groin was excruciating and she crumpled to the ground, sobbing.
When Rin finally woke up and saw Yuriko lying there on the ground in a pitiful heap, she instantly knew what happened and blamed herself. Rin wrapped her trench coat around Yuriko and carried her to the nearest hospital and Yuriko was admitted for about three weeks. Her recovery was slow and excruciating and all she could think about was how weak she'd been- how it was somehow her fault. She should have known to keep her guard up. She should have stayed in the tent the whole time. She should have fought harder, hidden that she was a woman, convinced Rin to quit while she was ahead. Maybe if Yuriko had been nicer to them or was better at following orders or something, they wouldn't have done it, she thought.
The doctors said that the bastards had caused so much damage that there was a chance that if Yuriko did ever meet someone and become romantically involved that sex could be painful and that she might be unable to ever have children. When they told her that, Rin left and was gone until Yuriko was almost discharged. When she came back, she didn't say anything about where she went or what she did but Yuriko didn't care. She was devastated… What other choices did she have at that point? She was only 18 and her first experience with the opposite gender was entirely unwanted, nauseatingly painful, and permanently scarring physically, mentally, and emotionally.
"It was then that Rin-sensei's lessons became more serious and my real training began," Yuriko continued, her knees pulled to her chest. "She explained how people, especially men can never be trusted. She'd been trying to hide the ugliness of the world from me. As an orphan of war I'd seen enough already, she said, but it had caught up to me in the absolute worst way and she blamed herself for not having prepared me for it. She taught me more advanced jutsu and how to defend myself if a situation like that was ever to arise again. She taught me how to manipulate people, how to blend in seamlessly with my surroundings no matter where I found myself, how to discern people's true intentions and when they were lying or hiding something. So when Guy threw his arm around me, I panicked, remembering that time and everything I'd been through and my initial reaction was to kill him because it couldn't happen again. I wouldn't let it happen again."
Iruka's eyes were wide and mouth hung open in disbelief of what Yuriko had just told him. He had no idea that her past was so wrought with pain and suffering, but it all made so much more sense now that he knew even just this small part of her story. It explained why she was so afraid of being around people and why she withdrew into herself so much. It also explained why spending time with him was so hard for her. She'd grown so guarded and was exposed to so much of the negative aspects commonly associated with the male gender, further seeding her distrust of them that even spending time with someone who legitimately had no ill intentions toward her was difficult
A long, cold, thick silence stretched between the two as Iruka's mind raced and Yuriko tried to completely clear her own as she stared at her new hair comb again, trying to focus on the details of it. Iruka shifted in his seat and when Yuriko's eyes lazily found their way to him, she tensed up slightly. His eyes were soft and sympathetic and he was tense with a blush across his cheeks while he chewed on his bottom lip and his gaze moved back and forth between her face and the ground.
"What?" she demanded.
"Everything in me wants to hold you right now, but I'm afraid that it wouldn't help anything or that it would only make things worse for you," he confessed, his chocolate eyes still unable to meet her violet.
Yuriko's body stiffened as she thought about it. Kakashi had done the same thing when she'd taken shelter at his house from the storm. Was that a normal reaction for people to have when someone is troubled by something? To want to hold them? Did only men have that desire, or did women have the same instinct? It had helped to calm her when Kakashi had his arms around her through the storm, and she remembered that the steady sound of his heartbeat had lulled her to sleep. She also remembered that the same effect happened when she was a child and her mother would hug her and hum her lullaby. Did it have an effect on the one providing the hug, as well, or just the one being hugged?
"Why do people do that?" she asked.
"Why do people do what?" Iruka inquired back.
"Want to hug someone when they are upset. Is that normal?"
"Well… yeah, I guess. It's often a sign of affection. If someone feels close with a person and sees them hurting, they want to take the hurt away. They can't actually make it disappear, but a hug can show the one hurting that they care about them and their feelings, or that everything is going to be okay, even if they don't say anything at all."
Yuriko's cheeks grew warmer, seeing Iruka's own blushing expression as he explained it, his gaze never meeting hers but the scarlet of his cheeks deepening and his finger scratching his cheek from anxiety. Yuriko also averted her gaze as she felt her heartbeat racing and began to swirl her hair around her fingers.
"So…" Yuriko started, her demeanor shy and timid. "If someone has the desire to hold someone else when they are stressed or upset… does that mean that they care for the person who is upset?"
Iruka's blush deepened and he sat up straighter. "Usually, yes."
Yuriko's eyes looked down at the comb in her hands and another connection was made in her mind. Kakashi had given her a gift, as well. He'd remembered her struggle to conjure the winds she needed for her jutsu without expending a lot of chakra and bought a beautiful fan for her. He claimed that it was only to help her in battle, but it didn't change the fact that he'd noticed her struggles and randomly bought it because he'd been thinking of her when he saw it, just as Iruka had seen the comb and his first thought was that it would look good on her.
All of a sudden, Yuriko felt a warmth spread through her from her toes to her face, concentrating in her chest and causing her heart to beat faster and harder in her ribcage. She understood at that moment that Iruka and Kakashi both cared for her and that they had both been showing their affection for her in their own small, almost forgettable ways for months now, and she had been completely oblivious.
Yuriko shook her head "no" in an attempt to rid herself of the unspeakable thoughts running through her mind. There was no way that they could care for her. She was Kakashi's subordinate and hardly knew Iruka outside of knowing that he was Naruto's teacher at the academy. And she was damaged beyond repair. Nobody could love an orphan whose entire life had been molded by war, pain, suffering, and heinous events that haunted her in her sleep and everyday life. She was a walking disaster, she thought, unable to interact with people normally without cringing or constantly searching for escape routes. To even think that they might possibly have affection for her was more hope than she could allow herself to have. She knew better. Nothing good ever lasted, and the idea that they could care for her was better than anything she was ever capable of deserving. It was only a matter of time before one or both of them used her for their own benefit before throwing her away like all of the other men she'd experienced in her life did. If she acknowledged that they cared, it would only make their inevitable betrayal hurt that much more.
Kakashi had left the Hokage's office in search of Yuriko and after checking her apartment, the lake, the cemetery, and Ichiraku, he knew that there was only one other place that she could probably be. When Kakashi got to the Hokage monument he saw that Iruka had beat him there and he and Yuriko sat at the edge of one of the faces, deep in conversation, so he decided to hang back and observe.
"Everyone is worried about you, you know," Iruka stated and Kakashi could see Yuriko visibly stiffen.
"I panicked…" she responded, and Kakashi assumed that her expression was just as dead and emotionless as her voice had been saying it.
"Why? Did Guy-san do something wrong?"
It was quiet for a while as Yuriko thought and when she sighed and shifted her position, she started telling a story of when she was younger and with her teacher, Rin. As the story progressed, Kakashi's heart broke for her and bile rose from his stomach. He was appalled and irate that anyone would treat another human being in such an abhorrent manner, especially a woman and even more especially, Yuriko. Had he been there, Kakashi would have slaughtered them all, himself. When she'd finished telling the story it took everything in him not to make his presence known and take her into his arms as he had during the storm to just hold her. All of the pieces finally made sense and so many questions were answered about why she hated men so much and it was a disgusting, gut-wrenching horror story.
As if to express Kakashi's feelings aloud, Iruka's voice rang out, catching Kakashi's attention. "Everything in me wants to hold you right now, but I'm afraid that it wouldn't help anything or that it would only make things worse for you."
A brick dropped into Kakashi's stomach as that phrase mirrored his own feelings and confirmed that Iruka also cared for Yuriko the same way Kakashi did. Yuriko remained silent and the tension seemed to thicken exponentially as the seconds dragged on before she spoke up.
"Why do people do that?" she asked. "Why do they want to hug someone when they are upset. Is that normal?"
It was a simple question, innocent enough, but in asking, it concerned Kakashi. Had she really been tortured so much in life that empathy was lost to her? Had she been forced to grow so cold that recognizing basic human emotions was a foreign concept? Or had she only been trained to scrutinize negative emotions and tells that people exhibited when they wanted something from someone? Was she really completely devoid of love and affection throughout the majority of her life so much so that she couldn't recognize it in others?
"Well… yeah, I guess. It's often a sign of affection. If someone feels close with a person and sees them hurting, they want to take the hurt away. They can't actually make it disappear, but a hug can show the one hurting that they care about them and their feelings, or that everything is going to be okay, even if they don't say anything at all," Iruka explained, again, mirroring Kakashi's inner thoughts.
"So…" Yuriko started, her demeanor shy and timid, and Kakashi could see that she was twirling her hair around her fingers like she always did when she was nervous. "If someone has the desire to hold someone else when they are stressed or upset… does that mean that they care for the person who is upset?"
Kakashi's cheeks reddened realizing that Iruka had not only confessed his own feelings for Yuriko but given her the key to discerning Kakashi's as well. Iruka affirmed her question, his body stiffening more as his gaze remained forward and refused to meet her, knowing that he'd just confessed his feelings for her. When Kakashi saw Yuriko shake her head "no" as if trying to shake away the idea and physically deny Iruka's emotional revelation, he sighed, unsure if it was in relief that she'd denied it of Iruka or relief that she rejected the idea at all, buying him more time to spend with her without the awkwardness of romantic feelings.
"I appreciate your concern, Iruka-san. And thank you for the comb. It really is gorgeous," Yuriko said dismissively, asking him to leave without being rude and asking flat out.
"Y-Yeah… no worries," Iruka replied, his voice defeated and demeanor shrinking by her lack of acknowledgment of his feelings.
It was then that Kakashi decided to take his leave and head home to contemplate his own feelings for Yuriko. When had annoyance turned to affection, and why was he so nervous about telling her that he was attracted to her more than just physically? All the while, Kakashi prayed that Iruka was equally as nervous and hoped that Yuriko remained in denial of it all.
Meanwhile, Iruka took the hint that Yuriko wanted to be left alone, so they said their goodbyes and parted ways. Iruka couldn't bring himself to just leave her in her depressive state, though, so instead, he opted to hang back and watch over her from a distance to make sure she was okay. It was another hour or two before Yuriko finally stood from the cliff face and slowly made her way home, wandering through the streets in absolutely no rush to return to the emptiness that awaited her in her apartment. When she'd finally made it home, Iruka noted his whereabouts and walked home himself.