Last Word

"Madam, what are you doing?"

"Mmmmmmm-meating marmalade on toast."

"You mean to say 'eating' and that is blatantly obvious. However you are doing so on the sofa, whilst in a reclining position."

"Oh …. What are we objecting to now Mr Holmes? The toast, the sofa, my lounging about or my use of English?"

" 'We' are objecting to all of those, you must start as you mean to go on Miss Watson. Breakfast should be taken in an orderly, efficient and respectable manner. Mrs Hudson has allocated you a chair here and a plate there. The seat places your body in the correct position for digestion to occur effectively. The purpose of the plate and the tablecloth being to control the distribution of crumbs, especially on expensive furnishings such as carpets, rugs and sofas. When speaking, it is essential to allow oneself a moment to finish eating, apart from the need to communicate in correct English, it also prevents the stomach from ingesting unnecessary air and thus avoiding later embarrassment. Lastly, since we have agreed to co-habit, I must insist that you at least attempt to follow correct social etiquette, doing so allows both parties to expect a certain standard of behaviour and therefore eradicates unforeseen unpleasantness. Now Madam, your breakfast chair is waiting."

"Thank you Mr Holmes. You know, I do rather suspect that sharing diggs with yourself will be a rare privilege indeed, not only a dry bed and roof, but jolly good shenanigans and an opportunity for a free education. Lucky me."

"Sarcasm at the breakfast table is also in bad taste."

"But not banned during the rest of the day?"

"Sadly no, in your case that would be a rule impossible to enforce. Would you please pass down the butter."

"Of course Mr Holmes, but do be careful, in your case it may not melt in the mouth."

"And would you please hand back my copy of The Times. I observe that it has already been opened and then deposited rather carelessly on the floor, I prefer it neatly folded and next to my plate. Now, perhaps if I break the rules on table etiquette and open it wide enough, you will thankfully vanish from view."

"You do like the last word, do you not?"

"Indubitably, you will quickly learn that Miss Watson and if you value a peaceful existence, you will always let me have it."

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A very quickly written short and posted before I really start to edit it, so as fresh as it gets for me.

Tegan