AN:

Inspiration for this one-shot sprung on me after a series of Crucible matches with a couple friends of mine. We were playing Survival and trying to grind out Glory to hit Legend rank, but one of our friends was being stupid. Hope you enjoy it!

"Heeey Lurd Shadds…" Lord Shaxx' eyes narrowed beneath his helmet as a clearly drunk hunter stumbled into his place of refuge in the Tower.

"It's Shaxx, Jonas." The Titan boomed to the hunter for the third time in as many days.

"S'what I shaid." the Hunter slurred back, almost falling onto one of Shaxx' many trophies as he leaned back a wall. Jonas realized there wasn't actually a wall there a moment later, and then collapsed, narrowly avoiding a priceless trophy and Titan's wrath as he fell onto his rear end. "Who-hic-oops."

Shaxx sighed as his shoulders slumped ever so slightly. "Why are you here, Jonas? It is five in the morning."

"It is?!" Jonas shot up off the ground, and into the ceiling with the assistance of the Light before falling back down without so much as a bruise. He grabbed Shaxx' shoulders and shook him, though that only caused a movement of a few inches back and forth because of the fact that he'd actually only managed to grab Shaxx' biceps and that Shaxx was over a hundred pounds of pure muscle and armor heavier than Jonas. "'Layna 'sked me to get a match s-s-s-chedalllled."

Shaxx sighed once more, 'gently' forcing Jonas to release him. "If Ellayne wants to schedule a match, I'm sure she can come and find me herself. In fact, I believe she barred you from scheduling any matches after the last fiasco two months ago." Shaxx blinked and took a half step back as a sheet of paper was suddenly shoved in his face by the drunk Guardian.

"She g-gave th-hic-is to meee to give toooooo yoius." Shaxx took the sheet from the other Guardian's swaying hand, reading it over.

"Well… This is her signature… Very well." Shaxx paused as he realized that Ellayne-13 hadn't chosen a team to fight against in the request for the survival match she'd filled out, only signing off on it, which meant that Jonas would be the one to pick the team they'd fight off the roster of available teams. That wasn't an issue for most teams, but it was when the human Hunter of Fireteam "Godkiller", as the new Guardians called them, was the one deciding their opponents. Shaxx ultimately decided that it wouldn't be worth the complaints that he'd get from Ellayne the following day if he refused to let Jonas register for a match. "You'll have to pick a team."

"Ohs! I pgickk..." He took a long look at the roster, then a second. A waving arm raised to point at the leaderboard "Tearm..."

"... Onyx?! Are you fucking insane?!" Jonas winced as Ellayne screamed at him. It wasn't entirely from the hangover either, what with how loud the sound was. "We can't beat Fireteam fucking Onyx! Do you have any idea how embarrassing that'll be for us?! We're the team that assaulted the Black Garden, took out Crota and Oryx, saved the Tower and the Traveller from Ghaul, and then took out Riven. We're 'big goddamn heroes', but we're absolutely fucked when it comes to dealing with the best Guardian fireteam in the Crucible! What were you thinking?!"

The Warlock of the team, Vela, had been silent, preferring to give purple-eyed glares at the human hunter that promised pain the likes of which he'd never even dreamed of before. The hunter was silent for a moment, his ears ringing, before responding. "... Have you ever considered using your voice as a weapon against the Darkness?" The red hand mark that appeared on his cheek a moment later was his reward for his stupidity. "Ow! Okay, sorry!" He stood up from the bed he'd collapsed on the night before, moving away from his Exo and Awoken teammates. "Look, we're Fireteam 'Godkiller'! We can beat Fireteam 'Onyx.'" He made mocking quotation marks with his finger. "Why're you two so worried? We're one of the top five teams in the Crucible!"

"I'm worried," Ellayne-13 said lowly, almost growling as she took a step forward, hands balled into fists. "Because Onyx is at the top of the leaderboard, you absolute moron!"

Jonas once again proved that his brain was not his strong suit. "Well how was I supposed to know that?! You're the one who's supposed to keep track of that stuff!"

"It's on the leaderboard behind Shaxx!"

Vela grabbed Ellayne's arm before she could raise it and shoot Jonas with the handcannon that had suddenly appeared in it. "What's done is done, boss. We don't have a choice now. We'll have to fight smart and do the best we can. If we give a good show and then lose, the people won't have any issues with us losing because it'll look like we're just being good sports."

Ellayne drew in an extremely long, mechanical breath. "Fine." She placed the handcannon down. "We need to come up with a plan for how to do that then." The Exo sat on the couch, pulling the table over as Vela sat next to her. Jonas did the same a few moments later. "Okay… This is what we'll do. Jonas, you...

"Jonas… What the hell are you doing?" Ellayne growled, rubbing her forehead as the last member of the team arrived at the meetup point for the match last, as usual.

Jonas grinned. "Well, Shaxx said he was giving away a sniper rifle to anyone who got the most kills in the Crucible and enough glory here!"

"Which doesn't explain why you have a sniper rifle in your hand… You're literally the worst shot with a sniper rifle ever!" Vela snickered quietly, clearly remembering the time that Jonas had accidentally shot Ellayne in the head, killing her as he'd tried to pull off a '360 no-scope'.

Jonas grunted at the jab, clearly displeased. "I've gotten better with them in my off time! You'll see!"

Ellayne shook her head, helmet appearing over her head as she drew up the hood of her cloak. "I fucking hope so…"

John looked across the center point of the map at the fireteam they'd been matched up against. He'd been surprised and honored that Fireteam Rain had asked for a match, especially considering the team's reputation and nickname as Fireteam "Godkiller".

John looked at his teammates, a hunter and warlock who'd been with him through their fight through the Crucible's ranks to reach the top, before looking at the three opponents of Fireteam Rain. The leader, Ellayne, looked every bit the perfect Guardian she was meant to, with her armor shimmering in the sunlight and positively glowing with the Light. The others did too, though Jonas was somewhat slumped and didn't seem all that used to the large sniper rifle he held with both hands.

The Titan stepped forward, offering a hand to Ellayne. She took it, grasping his forearm and squeezing as he returned the gesture. Surprisingly, his armor groaned under the pressure. Her's did the same, though that wasn't unexpected. He grinned. 'This fight'll be fun!'

It took five minutes for that assessment to be proven wrong.

Ellayne gritted her teeth as she bit back a mechanical scream of rage as Jonas reported that he was, once again, out of ammo. "This is what you get for bringing two sniper rifles into the match! I don't care what you do in Rumble, but when we're doing Survival matches against Fireteam Onyx, you don't do that! Switch to primary ammo weapons!"

Ellayne let out a sigh of relief as her teammate respawned a moment later, this time holding a rifle. She growled when she saw that he was holding a scout rifle. "That's almost worse! Why are you using a scout-" Her tirade was cut off by the report of a Golden Gun firing, with her and the newly respawned Jonas being incinerated instantly by Onyx's resident Hunter. The tirade resumed when they both respawned. "Rifle! Use a goddamn handcannon or grenade launcher or something useful!"

"Fine… I'll deal with Shaxx' request for the best with a scout rifle later." Ellayne's eyes went wide with rage as the grip on The Last Word groaned in her grip at the fact that her teammate was focusing on a bounty while they were fighting for their team's reputation among the masses of Guardians and civilians alike. A moment later, the strain on the gun ceased to be a concern as both Guardians were consumed by a Nova Bomb that had been launched into the sky from across the 'map'.

Ellayne ducked behind a wall for cover as a torrent of bullets filled the space she'd just occupied. "Someone get that damn Warlock please!"

"I got him!" Jonas said, before promptly charging out into the corridor that was still being filled with bullets. His corpse hit the ground an instant later as Ellayne and Vela stared in disbelief at the man's stupidity. Their disbelief quickly turned into anger and rage, as the Hunter of Team Onyx flanked her and Vela, sliding down the stairs behind them before taking them down with a shotgun, resulting in Fireteam Rain losing the round.

A sniper rifle round bounced off Ellayne's helmet. She looked at it in disbelief. 'That should have killed me, unless…' "Goddamn it Jonas! Why the hell are you using a sniper rifle aga-" Her retort over the comms was cut off as the Hunter of Onyx took her head off, using the same brand and make of sniper rifle her teammate was stupidly using.

The three of them spawned in for the final round. Both women snapped their gaze at Jonas, and saw he'd finally chosen to be smart with his loadout and had picked a pulse rifle and shotgun combination. He took two steps forward, and the two of them were momentarily blinded as he ignited into flames. Their jaws dropped as he charged forward. The time he could hold the Golden Gun for ticked down as he tried to cross the map in time to encounter Onyx. By the time he did, he only had the time to get one shot off. It missed, and he was promptly gunned down by the Fireteam.

Ellayne sighed. She was embarrassed, not only because of what her teammate had done, but because she was now hiding out in the EDZ in a cold, wet cave. Vela had done the same thing, but had instead gone to the Dreaming City. Jonas… She had no idea what Jonas was doing, and she didn't care.

She'd been in the EDZ for a week now, and had single-handedly wiped out the entire Fallen population in the surrounding area as stress relief. It had made it hard for newly awoken Guardians to train, but she didn't care. Not right now.

Ellayne stood up suddenly. The perimeter sensors she'd placed around the area had been tripped. She drew the Ace of Spades from its holster at her side, preparing to kill whatever had decided to try its luck and take over her home, and stopped when she saw Zavala step in. She blinked in surprise, holstering Cayde's handcannon. "Sir?"

"Ah, there you are Guardian." The Tower Commander stepped further into the large cavern, walking through the small river that ran through it. "I didn't take you to be one for hiding." The Awoken continued on without giving her a chance to argue against it. "Regardless, I need Fireteam Rain back at the Tower. There's been a… Communication from Calus, requesting you specifically to deal with something that, based on what he has said, is a grave threat to us all. He will not give anyone other than you any further information regarding this threat."

Ellayne was silent for a few moments. "Alright. I'll… Find and talk with my team."

It had taken several weeks, and defeating Gahlran and another of Calus' robots, but the knowledge of Fireteam Rain's loss against Fireteam Onyx had faded from everyone's memories, with talk of their new exploit against the bearer of the Crown of Sorrow and the destruction of a Cabal Emperor's powerful machine on his own flagship taking hold in its place. The team's reputation had recovered from the sucker punch it had taken.

That wouldn't last very long.

"G-g-guss s'waht, yuoh twho!" Jonas stumbled back into their shared room, once again drunk. "Thurns h'out I can sh'use dhat nooote you shigned last mhonth to schedhule more mhatches!"

Ellayne's eyes went wide, as did Vela's. They'd both forgotten about the note stating that he had her permission to sign them up for Crucible matches.. They both surged to their feet. "What did you do?!"

Jonas didn't seem to hear them. "Sho I shigned ush uup for a rhe-mhatch aghaaainnnst Onyx!"

This time, Vela didn't stop Ellayne from shooting Jonas in the head. She didn't stop her leader from beating him to death when his Ghost brought him back either.

AN:

So, that's my Destiny one-shot. I hope you all enjoyed it!

My friend wasn't actually drunk, nor did we fight against the best Crucible fireteam, but the kind of stuff that Jonas did in this is the kind of thing that my friend did (especially the "using bad weaponry/weaponry he's bad with while trying to grind up to Legend glory rank" and the "way-too-early-super").

Speaking of Jonas, I'm sorry if understanding his words during the drunk parts is difficult.