Chapter 19: Despair

Remus deals with Sirius' unhealthy coping, Snape shows a surprising amount of emotional empathy, and Sirius Black has to get his act together.

Remus Lupin was pacing.

The sound of his footsteps were driving Sirius fairly mad. Madder than he was already, of course.

"He'll be back any minute," Lupin murmured. "He said he would be. Any minute now."

"Why don't you have a pint, man?" Sirius asked from the couch.

"Why don't you not have another?" Remus countered, continuing to pace. His footsteps filled the void of conversation as Sirius drank.

"What's the use in worrying about it? He'll either be back or he won't." He belched and gestured with his glass. "It's excellent for the nerves. Mooney! C'mon. One glass."

"You're getting foam all over the furniture."

"Vanisho," Sirius slurred.

The couch turned from grey to green.

Remus waved his wand and properly banished the mess his friend was making. Sirius laughed for no reason and took another drink. "Ah! That's the stuff. C'mon, c'mon, Mooney! It'll put you in the proper mood, no brooding. Leave all that to batsy."

"He's not a bat," Remus said. He stopped walking and turned to the couch where Sirius was busily fashioning himself a foam mustache. "You've had enough. You're spilling all over the couch and you've ruined your coat. Give me that glass."

"Give me that glass," Sirius parroted. He held the pint high, as if to keep it from Remus's hands. Remus leveled him with an amused look and cast Accio. The cup zipped out of Sirius' hands. Sirius pointed accusingly.

"No fair! Cheating! Cheating!"

"You're done," Remus said firmly, trying not to smile.

"Done? Done! Hear that, Moonsy? Mooney? Done!" Sirius barked a laugh. "We'll be done when Snivillius gets here! He's a proper beacon for being boring. When did you start taking pages from his book, eh? We used to clear seven pints in a night! Seven! What happened to the Remus I knew?"

"The Remus you knew was romanced out of his miserable single life by a capable and caring wizard," Lupin replied. "A proper gentleman, handsome, tall-"

"Dark and broody," Sirius cut in.

"...reserved but kind," Remus corrected. His eyes had gone all misty. "With long fingers and black hair…"

"I have black hair."

"You do indeed," Remus agreed placatingly, "But you're hardly one for romance, Padfoot."

"I could do romance!" Sirius protested, twisting over the edge of the couch. "I'm the MASTER of romance."

"Not with that mustache, you're not."

Sirius looked down at his own face, going cross-eyed to see.

Remus broke a bit, laughing as Sirius scrubbed foam from his beard. "Here," he offered, and Sirius obligingly let his friend scrub off the rest of the bubbles. All of the foam gone, Remus leaned back, when Sirius snatched his hand.

Remus blinked owlishly. Sirius fixed him with a look and Remus suddenly realized how close they were, and that Sirius was completely plastered, probably not thinking straight, which might explain why he was leaning in with dark eyes.

"Mooney..."

The fireplace flared.

Sirius dropped the other man's hand and looked away. Remus felt relieved for some reason he couldn't fathom. He took a step back from the couch, not daring to meet Sirius's eyes again. There had been something personal, something raw in Sirius's gaze. He had been about to say something important. They would have words about that later.

Snape was dusting soot from his shoulder. Remus was eager to greet him, concern drawn on his face.

"How did it go?"

"Flawlessly."

"Fantastic! Oh, Severus, I was so worried. What spells did you use? Who saw you?"

The Potions Master sniffed delicately.

"I'm offended, Lupin. Me? Leave witnesses?"

"Well, who did you Obliviate, then?" came a drunken query from the couch.

"Sirius!"

Snape let out an exasperated breath as Remus berated Sirius's slouched figure. "Amos Diggory will have a vague recollection of falling asleep while his son read him letters. His son, Cedric, read for too long and took a nap alongside his father. I minded them until Arthur Weasely came to take my post, a total of four minutes. Far too short a time for anything untoward to happen, Black."

"Did you have time to find out anything?"

Sirius looked up through his drunken stupor, strangely intent.

The Potions Master shook his head.

"His memories of that night are unclear."

Sirius groaned and threw up his hands.

Remus made a frustrated sound. "Please, consider his position, Sirius! Think of what he had to risk to even look-"

"And just look at what we have for it! Nothing." Sirius belched. "Again: nothing."

Suddenly he lurched to his feet and threw the empty pint glass. It shattered brilliantly against a wall with a crack. "He's been gone for YEARS now, Mooney! Years! Dumbledore said he'd be safe!" Sirius let out a half-laugh, half-giggle and began to pace, ignoring the broken glass on the floor and the worried gaze of his friend. "All I can think of is the last time I saw his face. He was so small. He'd be nearly ten now! What does he look like? How has he grown? Years change a face. They change you, you know, they do." He spun on a heel and set his boot down directly on glass. His eyes were wide. "What if he's forgotten us? What if he's forgotten James? And Lily?"

Remus watched Sirius rant with a heavy heart. He looked even more exhausted than usual.

"Sirius, I think it's time for a Sobering Solution."

"I think not," Sirius objected. "I think it's past time we get out there and find him!"

"Yes," Snape droned sarcastically, "Let's charge out into the countryside and just happen upon him, shall we?"

"Please, not while he's like this," Remus pleaded, leaving the couch and placing a bracing hand on Snape's shoulder. The taller man rose a single eyebrow. Sirius snarled.

"You don't want us to find him," he accused hotly, "You didn't even try to read Diggory's mind! You just made up some excuse and rushed back here to be the bearer of bad news like you always are!"

Snape leveled the other man with a frosty glare.

"I have more respect for my partner then to lie to him," he said pointedly.

"HA!" Sirius swung his arm wide, jabbing his index finger at the other man. "Says the man who lies about everything! You're a liar and you always will be! I'll wager a sack of Sickles that you didn't even GO to St. Mungos!" Snape's black eyes narrowed further and further and his wand arm moved subtly within the folds of his cloak. "You don't give a rat's arse about us finding Harry! You just want the whole business binned so you can get on winning more awards for your stinking potions!"

"That's enough, Sirius," Remus cut in. "Severus?"

The dour man handed Remus a thin vial with a copper-colored liquid inside.

Sirius dove under the duvet.

"You can't make me! It's poison!"

Remus turned to Snape, breathing through his teeth. He looked absolutely drained. Snape glanced over the man's shoulder to make sure Sirius was completely out of sight under the duvet before bringing a hand to his partner's hips and pulling him close. Remus rested his head against Snape's shoulder.

"I don't know what to do when he gets like this," he confessed in a hushed tone. "He's always cared about Harry, but something changed when he went missing."

"It's the alcohol," Snape lied.

"You don't believe that," Remus accused, drawing back from the man's shoulder, "I know you, Severus. But thank you. For the thought."

He moved only a foot before Snape caught his wrist. Snape's eyes were shadowed and his face was unguarded. Remus felt his pulse quicken. The other man's fingers were warm around his.

"Have you considered my offer?"

Remus looked over the couch, vial in hand.

"I have."

"Spinner's End is modest but quiet. You could have your own wing. The library is impressive, the grounds are clean, and the wards are up to date. You would be safe there."

The younger man smiled and pressed a kiss against his partner's wrist. Snape's face twisted, caught between being charmed and upset.

"You're staying."

"For now," Remus agreed, and went to the duvet. There was a moment's argument and the sound of a whispered conference, then silence. The stopper popped off the vial and Sirius made a show of painstakingly swallowing. He shook his head and tossed the empty vial; it sailed through the air and Snape saved it with a well-timed Wingardium Leviosa. He swept toward the fireplace, his black robes billowing behind him. He spared the recovering Sirius one distasteful look and turned to Remus.

"The offer still stands. I take my leave."

"Good-night," Remus said, even as the fireplace roared.

Sirius spat at the flames. He glared into the fireplace and rubbed his head. The Sobering Solution was remarkably fast-acting. He could already feel the rumbling return of reason, and with it, guilt. Sirius kept his eyes straight on the fire because he knew if he looked left he would see disappointment written across his friend's face.

'Probably anger', he thought, 'and some tired resentment. I've always leaned on Mooney when I feel low.'

The Solution was nearly finished running its course. With some semblance of embarrassment, Sirius realized he would be answering for his actions tonight. He tried to muster up some Gryffindor courage to face the man beside him but found none. He swallowed, his throat tight, and said nothing.

Remus stared into the fire long after his partner had vanished.

"Sirius."

Sirius nearly wheezed in relief.

"Mooney, I'm so sorry," he said in a rush, as if he couldn't get the words out quickly enough, "I know you want me to bury the hatchet with that old geezer, but, there's something about him! I just can't help myself around him. It's like we were meant to be at each other's throats, y'know? Always insulting each other and nearly getting in fights."

"I don't ask for much," Remus said softly. His voice was nearly lost amongst the crackle from the hearth.

"I know, I know! It's been me, really! It has." Sirius stood and tried to walk out some of the anxious energy coursing through him. "I've got to do better. I know I shouldn't let him get to me like that. Stupid blighter." He growled and ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "He's just... he knows how to get at me, Mooney! He gets under my skin! He always..."

"And you always meet him half-way," Remus cut in. His eyes were still on the light from the hearth. "Just like you said: You're always at each other's throats. Makes me wonder."

Something dropped in Sirius' stomach.

"I, er. I don't follow," he admitted, though he suddenly felt nervous.

Although Remus spoke facing the fire, Sirius had the distinct impression all of his friend's attentions were fixed squarely on him.

"The way you always rise to his baiting. The way you always have something to say to him. He talks about you, of course, when you're not there to defend yourself." Remus's eyes shone in the flickering firelight. His hard gaze turned from the stone and fell upon Sirius.

Sirius couldn't name what he was afraid of. Perhaps it was the lighting. Perhaps it was the tail-end of the Sobering Solution. Perhaps it was the way, even though he was taller, Mooney seemed to loom and grow taller, with shadows flickering in time with the fire behind him.

Something in the way Remus held himself reminded him, just for an instant, of the wolf within.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Both men looked to the window. Just outside sat an owl.

Remus went to let it in. Sirius sunk down where he was and let out all of his breath at once. He had the very distinct feeling of having barely escaped with his life despite never being in any obvious danger.

The owl hopped inside and stuck out its leg imperiously. Attached was a tiny scrap of parchment tied with string. Remus unrolled it. The owl didn't move, indicating it was waiting for a reply.

"Oh. Oh, of course! Tell him of course, we'll come. What am I saying, you're an owl," Remus fretted, discarding the parchment and running for a quill and ink. The owl ruffled its feathers but kept its foot out. Curious but still cautious, Sirius waited until his friend was scrawling a reply before Summoning the parchment to see for himself.

Below, in the Headmaster's flowing script, was a simple missive:

Come at once if convenient. If inconvenient, please reconsider, and come at the earliest convenience.

Sirius looked up with wide eyes.

"It's about Harry," he breathed.

Remus nearly upset the inkwell as he hurried to tie his response to the owl's outstretched leg. It hooted twice and took off into the sky. The window had hardly shut when Remus Accio'd a coat and threw a cloak at Sirius.

"Get up! C'mon!" he urged, "The Floo..."

Sirius scrambled into the folds of the cloak as Remus took a handful of powder. They stepped into the fireplace together and stood straight.

"Hog's Head Inn, Hogsmeade!"

End Chapter