5 years ago
Allison felt a stinging mixture of equal parts offense and self-consciousness in her throat at each page she turned. She honestly didn't know which source of which feeling was the most uncomfortable - being pictured as a manipulative cold-hearted brat, or being reminded of things she'd rather forget. Feelings she had all but repressed and brushed away as being part of her past and her siblings', things she thoroughly had not deemed as harmful at the time as she did now reading them years after the fact.
Not least of all regarding Vanya herself. Of course she knew Vanya wasn't included in any of their missions or trainings, and of course she knew that was alienation, but she... didn't really consider it quite like that. Vanya was just... Vanya. Her little sister, someone who was always there, belonging by... not belonging. It was a lonely condition, and part of Allison had always been aware of it to the point of not even noticing. It was just how it was, and it could never be another way. What could she have done, really? What could she have done that she had not? She loved Vanya - she just wished maybe she had been better at showing it, because clearly, she had failed.
Still, when it came to the parts of their brothers, that sting of anger would pinch harder because it was not about Vanya being unfairly lonely or Allison being a self-centered manipulative bitch. Exposing their brothers' lives like that was wrong, but then again, this was Vanya's story, and Vanya's story was shaped by her siblings'. They were a family, and all of them were who they were individually because of each other. Vanya could never talk about herself without talking about everyone else.
Allison was particularly surprised with the mentions of Klaus. Vanya was... particularly insightful on Klaus, in a way that made Allison hurt even more. Insightful on him as a person, and insightful on him as a tormented child.
She didn't recall Vanya and Klaus ever being close, even though their bedrooms were literally right next to each other. Allison had been close to him, for almost all their years living together, but she did grow a bit more distant in the later years... for no real reason. They simply started growing more apart. Klaus was Klaus, always positive, always a bit over the top, always caring - especially caring, much more for others than for himself. Even when it became clear he was starting to lose control of his escapism - and how that had worried Allison - he'd tell her he was alright, that he was better that way than before. And Allison believed him, because... because it was true. Klaus grew particularly positive and happy and over the top and she saw it as a change for the best, even if Dad never liked it (but honestly, when had he liked Klaus?). She should have seen deeper into it but she was... busy dealing with her own stuff. Klaus was Klaus, and he'd fight through his demons. Klaus would be alright.
Vanya knew more than Allison, both as a witness and as an interpreter. She knew of persisting 'lessons' Dad had given Klaus and that Allison had not known, and not only did she expose the traumatic experience in the mausoleum in the book, she also described how she thought it broke Klaus. He started to pretend, she wrote, that he was this unshakable force, unfazed by their Father's training and demands, purposefully antagonizing every principle he could for the sake of it. When the reality was that he was viciously tormented by it all, but had given up trying to show vulnerability or ask for help, as he knew his Father would only further degrade him and that his siblings would not really want to put up with him at his worst.
I believe he was right, in many ways. I heard him crying several times in his bedroom, and I would pick my violin then to hide the sound from my ears, or anyone else's. I don't know if Klaus was thankful for it or not. Maybe it made him pretend everything was alright, like he wanted everyone to think. Mostly himself.
Allison should have known. She should have recognized the act, but she hadn't. She saw what hurt less, because she couldn't fully believe her doofus and caring brother was hurting so much and no one had done anything for him. No one, especially not her.