Note: Warning for descriptions of suicidal thoughts

Thomas ran his hand through his hair as he sat at the head of the table in the servants hall. Dinner was being cleared away, he had eaten, but only for the sake of survival. He still had no enthusiasm for it, despite that fact that it normally would have been one of his favourites. He wondered if Mrs Hughes or Miss Baxter had requested that Mrs Patmore cooked something they knew he liked. He knew he must look awful, he certainly felt it. He felt the same way he felt when he came down with flu one winter, except he wasn't ill like that this time. He knew that he got worried or confused glances from several of the other staff sitting at the table this evening. He thought some of them must have put two and two together by this point. His outburst towards Andy a few days ago had been talked about a lot, just not when he was around, but he knew anyway. As people gradually dispersed from the table, he got up too; "I'm going out for a walk," he told Mrs Bates, who was still sitting at the table with her husband. "I need to clear my head a little."

"It will be getting dark soon Mr Barrow, do you want any company?" she asked.

"No don't worry about that. Besides you two must be needing to get back home yourselves soon. I wouldn't want to hold you up. I just need some time alone, I know my way around out there well enough," Thomas replied, trying to sound more upbeat and reassuring.

Thomas turned and walked out the room and upstairs to fetch his hat and coat. "You'll be alright won't you?" she said, looking concerned.

"Off course I will," Thomas said with another fake smile.

"What's the matter, Anna?" Mr Bates asked his wife, after Thomas had left the room.

"I don't know, just a feeling. Thomas has been rather low recently, I guess it's just memories," she stopped herself from saying more. Her husband didn't know about any of that, she along with a few others keep that secret of Mr Barrow's.

Several hours later and everyone was starting to contemplate going home, or turning in for the night. Mr and Mrs Bates were just about to go and collect their son from the nursery before heading back to their cottage. "Mr Barrow not back yet?" Andy asked walking into the room and collapsing in the armchair near the fire. Mrs Bates shot a worried look towards Mrs Hughes, who also was about to head back to her and Mr Carson's cottage, and Miss Baxter. "He's been gone several hours," Andy said. "Should we go and look for him?"

"He wanted some time alone, maybe it would be best to wait a little before going to find him," Mr Bates said. Miss Baxter, got up suddenly, walking as fast as she could up the stairs to the servants rooms and the men's corridor. She returned a few minutes later with a worried look on her face.

"Mrs Hughes, Andy, Anna can I have a word in private please?" She asked. Mrs Hughes, seeing her worry, ushered them all into her sitting room.

"What's the matter?" Mrs Hughes asked, once the door was closed.

"Something made me go and check in Thomas' room and..." Miss Baxter paused. "His razor blade is missing, it's not in his room or the bathroom."

"Oh my!" Mrs Hughes exclaimed as the penny dropped.

"He wouldn't again, would he? He's not that bad is he?" Andy said.

"We mustn't wait a moment longer to find out," Mrs Hughes said. "Right, get your coats and some torches, we must find him. Any idea where he might have gone Miss Baxter? He tends to speak to you the most."

Miss Baxter thought for a moment, "He often went for walks in the woods on his own on his half days. And when Richard came back to visit the first time, he took him for a walk by the river and then around some fields to show him the Downton estate."

"Right, Andy and I will take the woods and the lanes around them. Will you be okay on looking by the river on your own?" Mrs Hughes asked.

"Yes I can do that," Miss Baxter answered, her own safety wasn't really very high on her list of priorities right now.

"Anna, can you and Mr Bates stay back here in case he comes back?"

"Yes, we'll do that. I haven't told him about what Thomas did to himself on that day, I may have to if I am going to get him to understand the urgency of the situation. He won't judge Thomas harshly for it." Mrs Hughes nodded in agreement as they left her sitting room and quickly prepared to leave.

Before heading out the door, Mrs Hughes turned to Anna and said, " Can you get one of the hallboys to run down to my cottage and let Mr Carson know that I will be home late? I wouldn't want him to worry."

"Of course," Mrs Bates said.

Thomas sat on a bench near the river in the dark. He had been there for hours lost in his thoughts, watching the light fade from the sky first into a grey sort of colour and then into total darkness. There weren't any stars or the moon as it was cloudy and had been raining earlier in the day, making the seat he was sitting on damp underneath him. He didn't really know what he was doing there. His feet just moved and carried him in this direction, dictating his journey. He shivered against the cold breeze coming from the trees behind him. It was so different to the time when Richard had been with him, both of them sitting talking about things they had dared not speak to anyone about before, back when they were first getting to know each other. Back then, the night had been a comfort and their surroundings peaceful and beautiful. Now he felt on edge, every howl of the wind, every sound of branches rubbing together in the trees behind him. The feeling that he was in danger from some unseen presence lurking in the darkness. But despite this he didn't feel the desire to run. He shivered again, putting his hands into his coat pockets, where he felt the cool touch of his razor blade. He knew why he took it, but didn't know if he had the confidence to use it again as this time. He knew what dying feels like and he didn't like it. His thoughts jumped back to Richard again, how Richard had taken Thomas' hand and about how he had kissed Richard gently, there first kiss out in the open. He then remembered his promise to Richard, that he would never do this to himself again. Something inside him at that moment gave him a burst of strength and with that thought he stood up and threw the razor blade into the river in front of him, which felt strangely satisfying. He then heard footsteps, not imagined ones this time but real ones, a woman's footsteps he thought. He turned in the direction that the sound of them was coming from and then saw the flash of a torch coming along the path towards him. It wasn't until the figure was a lot closer to him that he could finally see who it was. "Miss Baxter? What are you doing here?"

"Oh thank god we found you!" She exclaimed, rushing towards him, and to Thomas' surprise, flinging her arms around him. "We were worried we were too late."

"Too late for what?" Thomas asked, momentarily confused. "Were you looking for me?"

Miss Baxter stepped back from Thomas, "You have been gone for hours Thomas. We were worried that something had happened. You don't have it with you then?"

"Have what with me?"

"Your razor blade. I'm sorry I may have come to the wrong conclusion when I saw it was missing," Miss Baxter said.

Thomas then realised what they must all have been thinking. A little part of him was warmed by their concern for his welfare. "I'm afraid you weren't totally wrong," he said, sitting down again. "I didn't really know what I was doing. I didn't know if I'd use it or not." Miss Baxter sat down next to him.

"Where is it now?" She asked.

"I don't have it anymore, I threw it in the river a minute or so before you turned up," Thomas answered. He heard Miss Baxter sigh with relief, which made him feel guilty about making them worry like that.

"Why did you do that?" she asked.

Thomas thought for a moment whether he should answer that question honestly. "Richard made me promise not to do that again. He knows everything. I don't know how he feels about me anymore, but I will never break a promise to him." Miss Baxter, was not surprised who had persuaded Thomas not to use it, she knew about his relationship with Richard. It wasn't hard to guess. But she was shocked by the strength in Thomas' voice when he said it. She knew he valued people's loyalty highly, but this was something stronger than just loyalty. Love maybe? "I'm sorry if I hurt you by making you scared. I don't know what the future holds, but I promise you that I will try not to hurt you again." Miss Baxter said nothing, just put her arm around Thomas as way of a thank you.

"You're shivering, we should get you back before you catch a cold," She said.

"Before we go. Can I ask you something?" Thomas said nervously. "Will you help me find some answers? To what's happened or what's happening. I just need to know something. One way or another."

"I promise I will help you. The others who are out looking for you tonight will help too, I'm sure of it. We're your family Mr Barrow."

Mrs Hughes and Andy returned to Downton, to the welcome news that Mr Barrow had been found alive and well. Mrs Bates had since gone home with her husband and son, she had explained everything that happened to Thomas and the fears they had when he went missing, to him. She made him promise not to tell anyone about it. Mrs Hughes found Thomas in his room in bed, a hot cup of tea in his hand. Miss Baxter sitting in a chair across from his bed. She was pleased to see Thomas looking more relaxed than he had been in weeks. Miss Baxter had explained to her that Thomas had wanted to speak to them both in private. She closed the door and sat on the end of the bed. "Thank you for coming. I just wanted to say a few things. Firstly, thank you for finding me and I'm sorry if I have caused you worry. Not just now but over these past weeks," Thomas looked down into his tea, looking very childlike in that moment of vulnerability. "Also, I would like your help. To find some answers out. I have been thinking, and I would rather know bad news than none."

"You want us to find out what is going on with Richard?" Mrs Hughes asked.

"Yes. I want to try and find out what is going on at least. If he's in danger, contacting the palace is not a good idea," Thomas said. "But an idea came to me, that I should have thought of ages ago." Mrs Hughes, already felt lifted by the determination in his voice. "When I went to see him in London, we stayed one of his friends' house. She is called Izzie and I have her telephone number. She may be able to shed some light on what's going on."

"I'd say that sounds like a good way to start," Miss Baxter said. "I will call her tomorrow morning first thing if you like. Might be best for your, and Richard's safety, if you don't directly get involved in this."

Thomas nodded slowly in agreement. "Yes, thank you." He finished the last of his tea, before yawning.

"You should get some sleep Mr Barrow," Mrs Hughes said. "Don't worry about getting up early tomorrow. I'll explain to Lady Mary and Lord Grantham that you need a morning off. I'm sure they'd understand."

Miss Baxter stood in Mr Barrow's office, waiting to be connected to Izzie on the telephone, Mrs Hughes sitting in her chair. "Hello, you don't know me but my name is Phyllis Baxter from Downton Abbey, I am a friend of Thomas. I believe yourself and him have a mutual friend." Mrs Hughes listened in, holding her breath. "Thomas is in a bad way, he's very concerned about him." Miss Baxter said, followed by more silence as Izzie on the other end of the line responded. "Oh that would be great if you could get him to do that. It would be best coming from him." More silence, listening into telephone conversations was so much harder than listening in on normal conversations. "Thank you very much. Have a good day, bye." Miss Baxter put the phone down and turned to Mrs Hughes with a smile on her face, "I think this will make Thomas' day."

A few days later

A telegram arrives...

DEAREST T (STOP)

MEET ME BY THE RIVER WHERE WE FIRST TALKED IN TWO DAYS TIME AT SUNSET (STOP)

I WILL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING (STOP)

YOURS

R E