A/N: I'm not sure if anyone has noticed, but I added something else in the list of trigger warnings. After reading the chapter, tell me if you think it would be good to incorporate that later on in the story or if I should leave that out of this story. I mean, there is such thing as too much angst, isn't there?

Chapter 3

Spencer Reid picked up his bag and stepped off the train. As he walked in the direction of his apartment building, he thought about the day he'd just had at work. Morgan nearly caught him. How could he be so stupid as to let that happen? And now Hotch and Morgan are keeping an eye on him.

'Moron.'

'I need to be more careful.'

He shuffled along the sidewalk, feeling utterly disappointed with himself.

'And you're supposed to be a genius?'

He watched as each crack appeared and disappeared beneath him, not daring to stop for a moment.

'Geniuses don't get caught.'

He walked passed people, chatting on their phones or calling out for him to pay attention, but he never dared to look up. 'Just keep going' he told himself.

'Geniuses don't need to vomit.'

He passed a prostitute who tried to flirt with him, but he didn't say a single word. 'Just keep going. Don't stop. Don't stop for anything. Keep going.'

'And do you know WHY?'

Suddenly, a familiar cat leapt out and hissed at him before running away. He looked up and saw his apartment building.

'For one. Simple. Reason.'

He slowly ascended the stairs to his individual apartment, shakily taking out his keys. 'Keep going. Just keep going' he thought to himself as he put the key into the lock.

'Because geniuses are too smart to let themselves become as FAT and UGLY as YOU!'

He opened the door and stood there for a moment. He sighed. "I know." He gently closed the door behind him, nodding slightly. "I know."

Reid dropped his bag to the floor as he felt him eyes begin to sting. 'No. I can't cry. What good will crying do? There's no point in crying.' He quickly wiped his eyes and headed for the kitchen. There, he went to the sink and washed his face repeatedly until he was sure he wouldn't cry anymore.

'Pathetic.'

"Yeah," he whispered. He turned to lean against the sink when he spotted something on his table: a bright pink box. "Oh, right. I forgot to throw that away."

Four days ago, on Friday, Garcia had given Reid a box full of various muffins, convinced that he had stopped eating breakfast. She told him there was now no excuse for why he wouldn't be able to eat breakfast over the weekend.

"Honey, you know I love you, but I cannot stand by and watch you get any skinnier." She held up a hand to stop any protests before they could start. "Now, you are going to go home, and when morning comes, you are going to have a nice, full breakfast, complete with a muffin. Or two. Or…twenty." She then smiled at him and practically shoved the box into his hands before scurrying off.

Reid sighed as he walked over and picked up the box. He hadn't even thought about it once during the weekend.

'Great. Now even Garcia is worried about me. She probably doesn't want me to waste my time trying to become more attractive. This is her kind way of telling me I should give up.' He opened the lid of the box and quickly counted 18 muffins. He swallowed. 'Maybe I should. There's no way I could ever be like them.'

'Sure. Give up. Prove just how pathetic and weak you are.'

"Shut up," Reid murmured.

'Go ahead and eat up. Like the fat little piggy you are.'

"I said shut up!" He felt tears build in his eyes again. 'No. I don't want to cry anymore.'

'Useless. Pathetic. Weak. Loser.'

Reid shut his eyes and clenched his teeth. 'I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry anymore!'

"I'm not! I'm not! I'm not!" As he felt tears struggling to poke through his eyelids, he quickly snatched a muffin and stuffed half of it in his mouth.

'Weak…'

"Shut up…" He felt tears stream down his face, and he quickly swallowed the partially-chewed food and shoved the rest of the muffin into his mouth.

'Disgusting…'

He grabbed another muffin, forcing it into his mouth. He then grabbed another as he forcibly choked down the one before it. He felt his legs growing weak and slowly lowered to the floor as he continued scarfing down the baked goods. As he sat, leaning against the table, stuffing his mouth over and over again, trying to contain his stubborn tears, he thought back on what began all of this.

It was roughly two months ago. During the holiday season. Everyone was having parties and family dinners. The BAU had a party a few days before Christmas. Then the team gathered at Rossi's mansion on Christmas Eve for another party, full of foods made by the Italian himself. On Christmas Day, Reid went to visit his mother, where they had a Christmas dinner for the patients. Two days later, Morgan and Garcia had convinced him to come with them to another party, knowing Reid had no one else to be around during the holidays, apart from his mother. On New Year's Eve, the team got together again for another celebration, followed by Reid going to another party on New Year's Day.

When Reid returned to work after the holiday season was over, he felt refreshed, as he did every year. He had done things he only ever did once a year—including eating various foods that were only around during that time of year. He stood in the "kitchen" area, filling his sugar with a bit of warm coffee. He looked up when J.J. had entered.

"Hey, Spence." She gave him a warm smile as he handed her the coffee pot.

"Good morning, and Happy New Year!" He stirred the sugar, trying to evenly spread the coffee.

"Happy New Year to you, too." She put the pot down and looked at Reid humorously. "Looks like you ate pretty well over the holidays."

Reid had a questioning look on his face. "What do you mean?"

J.J. took a sip of her coffee and made a slight face of disapproval. "Well, you've gain weight."

"I…have?"

"Yeah…" She walked over to the sink to pour out her drink. She'd forgotten just how bad BAU coffee was. "But just a little bit."

Reid looked down at himself, critically. "…Oh…"

J.J. placed her mug in the sink and walked passed Reid toward the doorway. She stopped when she noticed he was still staring at his stomach. "Hey, Spence?"

He looked up at her. "Huh?"

"Don't worry about it, all right? With you being you, I'm sure you'll be back to normal in hardly any time at all." Reid looked back down at his stomach. "Besides, you really didn't put on that much. It actually wouldn't be so bad if you kept it." And with a friendly smile and a wink, J.J. left for her office, leaving Reid alone with his misunderstanding thoughts.

'She said I didn't put on that much. But she did notice that I gained weight. And she said it wouldn't be bad if I kept the added weight. So does that mean…I was already fat? Of course. If I were already fat, what difference would it make if I gained a few more pounds?' He tried to suck in his stomach, but he could still see it poking out. 'I am fat. Have I always been fat? Has everyone noticed? Do they all see it? Why couldn't I see before? Why have I never done anything to get rid of it? I should get rid of it. I'm an FBI agent. I can't be fat. I need to be thin and fit and ready…like Morgan. He probably doesn't have an ounce of fat on him. But me…I'm…I'm…DISGUSTING.'

"Hey, Reid." Prentiss greeted as she reached for her coffee mug. Reid somewhat muttered a "hey" back at her. "So…" she said as she started to pour some cream into her drink. "Has the genius made any resolutions? Or do you have some over-complicated explanation as to why there's no point in making resolutions?" She took a sip, feeling slightly amused as she bet with herself on the latter.

Reid turned to look at her. There was something in his eyes at that moment that Prentiss couldn't quite place. It was something she had never seen in Reid before. "Oh," he said, his voice slightly deep and quiet. "I have a resolution." He turned way and rubbed his stomach. "Starting now." He then walked out of the room, leaving a confused and slightly concerned Emily Prentiss in his wake.

Reid reached into the box again, only to feel cardboard. He looked and felt waves of frustration wash over him when he realized the box was now empty. 'Damn it'. He threw the box halfway across the kitchen and curled into a ball, his legs to his chest and his arms holding each other. He rocked slightly, trying to fend off the tears. 'I want more to eat.'

'You're a disgrace.'

He buried his head in his arms. 'But I'm not supposed to eat.'

'Absolutely pitiful.'

He clenched his arms. 'I can't tell if I'm hungry or not.'

'Just PUTRID.'

He clenched harder and harder, digging his nail through the fabric of his shirt and into his flesh. 'I just want to eat, but I don't want to eat.'

'Foul. Stupid.'

He continued clenching harder and harder. 'I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.'

'Worthless.'

He ignored the feeling of something filling his nails. 'Someone…please…help me…I don't…I just don't know anymore…please…'

'Hopeless.'

"Stop it, please!" And then, everything was silent. Reid felt himself shaking and there was a pain in his arms. He released his arms and saw the blood in his fingernails. He looked at his right arm, watching as blood hesitantly seeped out. Seeing it slowly come out of his flesh calmed him in an unsettling way. And then, all too soon, the blood stopped, and he no longer had a distraction. He could sense the thoughts coming back, lurking at the edges of his mind.

Reid unsteadily stood up and immediately felt ill. 'I ate too much. No, no, no. What did I just DO?!'

'You're so pathetic and weak. Are you really about to throw away all the progress you've been making because of some muffins?'

'No…no. I have been making progress. Even Hotch said so. I can't go back now. Not until I'm fit enough. Not until I've gotten rid of all the fat.'

'So what are you going to do now, Doctor Reid?'

"I…I have to get rid of it. All of it. Now." Reid slowly walked out of the kitchen and into his bathroom, locking the door behind him as the sound of painful retching filled his apartment.

A/N: Let me know if you think I should add an element of self-harm to this story. Also, I've been uploading daily these last three chapters, but I think I'm about to slow down a bit. So, I'm sorry if the next few chapters take longer.

REVIEW RESPONSES:

Love Of Blood: Well, that was a special kind of coffee they ordered. I think perhaps they ordered that meal on purpose as a way of getting Reid to eat more calories. Otherwise, I think they would have ordered something a bit more healthy (considering that they ARE FBI agents, after all). But I did do the research for those foods and those are around the actual calorie amount in them. So yeah….that's quite a lot. Rather than no coffee at the BAU, how about nothing BUT coffee? I'm thinking of bringing on a case in the next chapter or so, so maybe the police station they're in only has coffee and that worries Reid? I think I'll have Reid pass out sometime during the case (maybe he passes out at the store while buying protein pills or something? I don't know.) NO, this will definitely NOT become a romance fic of any kind. I am sooooo NOT a romance writer. I just put an implied Reid crush on J.J., but that's not going anywhere. So rest assured, knowing there will be no "hook-ups" in this Fanfiction.

sandra. johansson. 144: Thank you! Thank you very much!

Jeid Spoby Delena: Phew! That's good because I was not going to turn this into a romance fic. I don't know why people forget about J.J. She's my favorite female on the team. Out of all the women, I'll be writing the most of J.J. So, you'll definitely get to see her in this fic.

Thanks for reviewing!