Enjoy! (...or don't...)

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Chapter 16

Reid awoke shivering ferociously. He pulled the object around him (Morgan's jacket?) tighter to his body as he blinked his eyes open. It was still raining, but the car was parked. He could vaguely make out some voices around him.

"…not safe…"

Hotch? Reid straightened up slightly and pressed his ear to the cool window to hear more clearly.

"You should have seen him, Hotch." That was Morgan. "He was freezing and seemed like he was lost."

'He'? Were they talking about the UnSub?

"...think…might…Schizophrenia?" The voice was quiet and hard to make out, but he was sure it belonged to J.J. He heard Hotch say a few unintelligible words.

"Well, I guess we can officially rule out drugs," Prentiss declared, loud and clear. Reid figured she must be close to Morgan and both of them were near the car, since their voices were the easiest to hear. "The Doc said there wasn't anything in his system. And when he ran away, he didn't go for another fix."

"No, he just sort of…strayed…" Rossi spoke slowly, in thought.

"What if J.J.'s right?" Prentiss's voice began to fade as she moved closer to Hotch. "What if…is…phrenic break…? Sounds like…symptoms…including…"

Reid huffed in annoyance at the way the rain covered his teammates' words. It then occurred to him that he shouldn't be eavesdropping in the first place. Somewhere in the background of his mind, a self-deprecative comment arose, but he ignored it, pressing his ear harder against the safety glass.

"How…know for sure…?" J.J. again. It was quiet for a moment, and Reid began to wonder if the team had walked away.

"For now, let's just get him inside and warmed up," Hotch, in his definitive voice.

"…something to eat, too." Prentiss was approaching the car again, but not as close as before.

Suddenly, there was a click, and Reid was falling half-way out of the car. His cheek hit the ground as his sides protested against the odd position he was in.

"Reid!" He wasn't sure who said it—his mind was blaringly foggy as it tried to make sense of what just happened. He opened his eyes and looked down to see Morgan staring at him. The older agent looked almost as tired as Reid felt. When Reid noticed Morgan's hand on the door, he was able to (far too slowly) process what happened.

"Are…you all right, Reid?" J.J. stared at him in concern (disgust).

Reid slowly dragged the rest of his body out of the car and painfully managed to stand up. His entire body felt awkward, and he briefly wondered if he was standing correctly. Everyone was staring at him, and he unconsciously chewed the inside of his bottom lip. He couldn't stand to look at them, to see the pity and annoyance they held for him. He opted to observe his surroundings instead. With blurry vision obstructed further by the rain, it took Reid a moment to recognize the building behind the team.

"Hey, Reid…" He flinched hard when he felt a hand touch his shoulder. He forced himself to still when he realized the voice belonged to Morgan. Morgan seemed unfazed by his reaction. Maybe he didn't notice? "I think we should go inside. Get you checked out." His voice was soft, but Reid didn't notice. In that moment, he didn't notice very much of what he should have. He didn't notice the way the team watched his every movement, analyzed every shaky breath he took. He didn't notice the stress and sheer worry on each of their faces. He didn't notice how violently he shivered. He didn't notice how wheezy his breaths were nor the pain in his lungs.

All of a sudden, Reid realized what was happening. He was standing there in the rain while his teammates, the people he was foolish enough to think of as friends, stared at him as though he'd gone insane. They were speaking softly, so carefully as though they worried he might run away. They were trying to get him inside, "checked out", because they thought something was wrong with him. He was freezing and wet and nauseous and in pain, and so very, very tired. And when this situation finally hit him, Reid only had one thought, one desire…

"I...w-want t-t-t-to go h-ome." He could barely hear himself. He could hardly even recognize his own voice. Immediately, Reid entered a violent coughing fit, finally acknowledging how his lungs felt as if someone were igniting a fire below them. He felt Morgan's hands on his shoulders, trying to steady him.

Home, he thought. Where he didn't have to deal with any of this. Where he could just settle down with some warm coffee and watch Star Trek marathons. Where he could eat without feeling any shame or disgust. Where he had friends he felt he could confide in about his problems. Where he was...happy. Or, at least, the happiest he'd ever been in his life.

"I just want to go home," he mouthed, out of breath. He felt Morgan encase him in a strong hug. But it didn't feel the way it should have. Morgan's hugs used to feel warm, safe, accepting. This was just...a hug. Two strong arms wrapped around a weak body. Nothing more. Reid felt a pang of sorrow when he noticed this. Perhaps, this was all their hugs ever were. Maybe he was the only one who got something more out of it. Maybe he was just fooling himself yet again.

"We'll get home soon," Morgan whispered, still holding onto Reid. That soft voice that once comforted Reid now meant nothing. "But, first, I'm really worried about you, man. We all are." Reid heard a crack in the other man's voice. Morgan breathed sharply through his nose, almost like a sniffle. Reid interpreted Morgan's behavior as anger. "So, please, Reid, please. Come inside. Get checked out. We just want to make sure you're all right. And then..." Morgan took a deep breath, releasing it a bit shakily. "Then, we can all go home." Morgan stepped back. Moving his hands to rest on either of Reid's shoulders, he looked the younger man in the eye. "Okay?" After a few, lengthy seconds, Reid slowly nodded his head. "Good." Morgan briefly tightened his grip on Reid's shoulders before releasing them. "Good." He turned around to the rest of the team, who never stopped staring. "We're going inside."

At Morgan's statement, Reid noticed a look of relief on his teammates' faces. He figured they were happy to finally get out of the rain.

They walked slowly. Reid knew he was to blame. Between the shivering and his already unsteady legs, he did all he could just to remain upright. And even then, he needed to lean against Morgan for support. No one said a word. Reid kept his eyes on the ground, refusing to meet anyone's eye. When they approached the building, Hotch held the door open.

Reid felt his eyes gradually closing. He knew he was leaning against Morgan more and more, but he couldn't stop himself. He let the older agent guide him through the hospital. Even though they weren't truly his friends, he still trusted them more than anyone. As Reid's eyelids shut, he felt Morgan easing him into a sitting position. He heard voices around him, but they were lost as his fatigue took over.

Reid awoke nearly as exhausted as he had been when he fell asleep. His mind was clearer, and his shivers had lessened tremendously. Trying to swallow proved difficult as his throat resembled sandpaper. He felt a thumping in his temple. The headache never did go away. Neither did the stomach pains nor the dizziness nor a lot of other signs he subconsciously knew he shouldn't be ignoring.

Closing his eyes, Reid chose to focus on his surroundings. The uncomfortable bed and bright lights above him let him know where he was the moment he was conscious. There was an IV tube in his arms. If he focused enough, he could feel liquids being transferred into his body. Nearby was a light shuffling noise. Someone else was in the room, presumably a nurse or doctor. Reid took a deep breath, which was followed by a harsh coughing fit. Reid groaned as he attempted once again to swallow. It was even harder to do this time.

"Ah, you're awake," a male voice calmly pointed out. Reid opened his eyes, knowing there was no point in pretending to be asleep. "Here." The man was suddenly in front of Reid, holding a cup to the agent's lips. Reid allowed it, too thirsty to care how dependent and weak it made him appear. "You gave us all quite the scare, Spencer."

Reid's eyebrows scrunched together in confusion. Who was this guy? What was he talking about? Why did he call Reid "Spencer"? Not even the people he has worked with nearly every day for years call him "Spencer". J.J.'s "Spence" is just a feigned attempt to make him feel welcome in a place he didn't belong.

"Patricia?"

"Yes, Doctor?" Reid raised his head to see a young nurse across the room.

"Can you let the other agents know that Spencer is awake?" Reid's eyebrows scrunched further upon hearing the emphasis on his name. The doctor shot him a warm smile. Suspicion rose within the agent.

"Yes, Doctor. Right away." The nurse briskly left the room.

"We never got to formerly meet." The doctor stuck out his hand, smile still in place. "I am Dr. Louis. But you can just call me Charles, if you want." Reid weakly accepted the hand.

"I'm—" Reid winced and his hand shot to his throat. In response, the doctor gave him more water. Reid cleared his throat. "I'm Dr. Reid," he greeted softly, making sure to put emphasis on his last name.

"I'm very pleased to meet you, Spencer," the doctor replied with a hand on Reid's shoulder. Annoyance built inside Reid from Dr. Louis' apparently refusal to use Reid's last name or title. "We didn't get the chance to speak earlier, seeing how you were unconscious at first, and then you disappeared on us." The smile broadened and Reid felt a pat on his shoulder. "But you're safe now, and that's the important thing. This is a safe environment, Spencer. All anyone wants to do is help."

Reid's annoyance grew. Dr. Louis was speaking to him as if he were a child who had been molested! Reid was about to somewhat-politely ask for the doctor to remove his hand and stop treating him like a child when they were interrupted.

"Spence..." He looked over to see his teammates coming into the room. In Morgan's hand was his smartphone, which showed a video feed of Garcia. Reid studied them. Garcia and J.J. wore fake smiles, as they usually did around him. Prentiss and Rossi looked disappointed while Hotch and Morgan seemed angry. It hadn't occurred to him that it was actually concern on their faces.

Dr. Louis finally let go of Reid and moved away to allow the other agents to gather around Reid.

"How you doing, man?" Morgan's voice sounded heavy and that stirred something within Reid. Guilt?

"I'm, uh..." Reid cleared his throat and roughly swallowed before licking his chapped lips. "I'm...okay..." No one's expression changed. As if he could lie to these infinitely better profilers.

"Oh, Reid," Garcia cooed. "You had us all so worried. I swear, I'd be there right now if Morgan would let me."

'Morgan didn't want you to bother,' Reid thought. 'Why waste your time and money on such a pathetic excuse for a federal agent?'

"Once you're in D.C. again, I expect lots of hugs, Mister."

Reid played along with the charade of affection by nodding. As if Garcia would even want to touch him. All these years, forcing herself to be nice to him. He was sorry to have put Garcia and the others in that position, and yet, too selfish to let them know that they don't have to pretend to like him anymore.

"Excuse me," Dr. Louis called out. Everyone focused their attention on him as he picked up Reid's chart. "I'd like to discuss Spencer's condition and treatment options with everyone, if that is all right with you, Spencer."

Reid nodded. They already knew he was weak anyway.

"All right." Dr. Louis tried to hide his sigh. They all noticed it. "Well, let's begin with the basics. The bruising from what I assume was a physical assault will heal soon. We were worried a rib may have been fractured after multiple kicks to the abdomen, but an x-ray showed otherwise. We have some pain medication to help with the injuries. Apart from the assault… Low blood sugar, dehydration, starvation, slightly irregular heartbeat, low glucose levels, anemia, exhaustion, malnourishment, lack of pigment, muscle depletion, a deficiency in nearly every essential vitamin and mineral, and what looks to be the beginnings of hair loss." As the doctor spoke, his smile faded into a more serious composure.

Reid stared in surprise. He knew any one of those conditions could be deadly on their own. Having all of them was practically inviting death. His medical chart made him seem as though he'd been held captive for weeks. Reid berated himself for allowing himself to become so fragile.

"Spencer," the doctor continued, putting on a small smile. "we have you on an IV to get fluids back into your body. The dehydration wasn't too severe, so you should be off the IV shortly. After that, you will need to drink plenty of water and start eating more to raise your glucose levels and get some vitamins in you. Your skin should start to get its natural color back within a week if you follow my instructions. Which means you have to eat an appropriate amount, all right, Spencer?" Dr. Louis was looking right into Reid's eyes, eyebrows raised, waiting for an answer. Reid nodded. "Good. Because we can't get you better without your help." Reid nodded again.

"Is there anything else going on with Reid?" Garcia questioned over the phone. Garcia was not a profiler, and she hadn't been in the room when Dr. Louis told the team of Reid's condition earlier that day. No one on the team could tell Garcia of the doctor's suspicions.

"Ah, yes. Spencer, your immune system is significantly weakened for the time being. You have pneumonia, but thankfully, it is not severe enough to warrant a lot of concern. I am going to prescribe some antibiotics. Hopefully, the pneumonia will be gone within a few weeks." Reid nodded. "Listen, Spencer," Dr. Louis sighed as he came to the foot of Reid's bed. "Look around you. You're surrounded by people who care very deeply for you. Who just want to help you. I'm sure a part of you must already know why you are in this state."

Because I can't do anything right, Reid wanted to say. Instead, he cast his eyes downward. Admitting it would make his team think he'd given up on trying to be better. If he gives up, they won't want to bother with him anymore.

"Spencer, I want you to know that you have nothing to feel ashamed of. While anorexia is not as common among males—"

"ANOREXIA?!" Reid clenched his throat, grimacing and regretting having just yelled. He swallowed before continuing at a much lower volume. "I am not anorexic!"

Dr. Louis hesitated. "I'm...sorry. I...thought you had realized your condition—"

"I'm not anorexic!" Reid repeated with a fire in his eyes. A part of him wondered why he was so angry. Was it because he was offended or because he knew it was the tr—no, he was not anorexic. He was just doing what needed to be done, what he should have done years ago. Once the weight is gone, he'll stop. It's just dieting and exercise. And he would only purge if he had no other choice. He had complete control over everything. He was in charge.

"Then how else do you explain losing forty-five pounds in two months?" Rossi questioned.

Reid stared at Rossi for a moment before looking at everyone else in the room. 'That's why they think I'm anorexic? I lost weight too quickly? I thought they'd be happy. They can't believe I was actually able to do it. They're so used to me being fat that the only way I could ever being fit is if I had an eating disorder.' His eyes stopped on J.J. before he looked down again. 'I'll prove to them that I can be fit, that I belong here! And I'll do it without them thinking I have an eating disorder! They'll see. And then maybe, they'll start to like me…'

Reid swallowed, then licked his lips. He was going to need to focus. He needed to sell this. He was in a room full of profilers. All it would take was one tell, one voice fluctuation. He calmed himself, formulating, imaging his performance before testing it out. For once in his life, he was going to try to be flawless.

Reid gripped the sheets. "I...I'm sorry..." He let his voice crack but only a little. "I never...meant to worry you guys. That was the last thing I wanted, which is why...I didn't say anything."

The entire room was still, everyone focused on the young agent. Reid put everything he had into making this perfect. He drew a shaky breath and raised his eyes. He thought about every terrible thing that had happened to him but not too deeply. Just enough to feel a sting as tears filled his eyes. He swallowed and closed his eyes for a moment to seem as though he were trying not to cry.

"It...It's my mom."

"Your mother?" Prentiss reiterated.

"Did something happen to Diana?" J.J. asked gently.

Reid nodded before taking a deep breath. "She….she…." He bit his lip softly and allowed a tear to fall. "She tried to kill herself."

He could see the shocked and worried expressions around the room. He let more tears fall, making his breaths more ragged.

"I..." He wiped away a tear only to have it replaced a second later. "I got the call about two months ago. She...she cut her wrists open with a pen." Reid sniffed, wiping his cheek again. He raised the pitch of his voice while lowering the volume. He had cried enough times to know exactly how frail he sounds when he does. "I...I should have been there. When...when I visited her on Christmas, she seemed different. I just thought she was having one of her episodes. And when...when I was leaving, she didn't want me to go. She said..." He stopped, scrunched his eyebrows together, and looked down. "She said if I left, she would hurt herself. I..." His chin wavered, and his voice became more broken. "I didn't think she meant it." Reid took a deep, unsteady breath, which was followed by a few coughs. "After New Year's, I got the call. I tried to speak to her, but she refused to talk to me. She said… She said it was all my fault and that I had failed her as a son." Those were words Reid's mother had actually said to him, years ago, during one of her episodes. Thinking of that day caused fresh tears to fall. "I just… Knowing my mother could have died...and all because of me. I should have stayed. I should have listened to her. I should have—"

"Oh, baby, you know that's not your fault!" Garcia soothed.

"She's right, man," Morgan supplied. "Your mother isn't well. Chances are she would have tried whether you were there or not."

"But I...I could have..." Reid shook his head.

J.J. placed a hand on his arm and looked at him empathetically. "Spence, there was nothing you could have done. Blaming yourself for what happened isn't going to help anyone, least of all, you."

Reid pursed his lips together, looking thoughtful. "I just...lost control. I got so stressed out with everything going on. I..." Reid shook his head lightly. "I got depressed. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. No matter what I did, I couldn't stop thinking about it. About how I could have prevented it. About...how I had failed her. It got so bad, the only thing that could get me out of bed was work. I knew I had to do everything I could to stop other people from dying, since I wasn't able to help my mom." He wiped his cheek, trying to blink away the tears.

"Reid," Hotch spoke gently. "Why didn't you tell us any of this?"

"I...I didn't want to worry anyone. And if you found out, I knew you'd put me on leave. I had to be here, Hotch; I needed to help save people."

"Yet in forcing yourself to work before you were ready, you jeopardized not only our cases, but your own life, as well."

Reid squeezed his hands together. "I'm sorry," he said pathetically. Hotch sighed.

"So, what happens now?" Prentiss asked.

"We're going to help you, Reid!" Garcia called out with tears in her voice. "Anything you need, just ask! We'll do everything we can to make sure you're feeling better in no time!"

"Thanks, Garcia." Reid gave her a weak smile. He felt guilt over creating such a lie about his mother, but he was ultimately relieved that it had worked. His eyes flickered across everyone in the room. They settled on the doctor, who looked skeptical.

"Dr. Louis," Hotch spoke. "Is Doctor Reid able to travel yet?"

"Well," the doctor glanced at the chart and then at Reid. "I would highly advise that Spencer stays here for the night. I would like to monitor him, make sure no infections develop, make sure he eats and gets proper fluids and rest," he explained with a pointed look at Reid. "If all is well in the morning, he should be cleared for flight." There was a beeping noise. Dr. Louis briefly checked his pager. "Pardon me, agents," he politely excused himself before exiting.

J.J. took Reid's hand in hers. "Don't worry, Spence. We'll help you." Everyone gave their individual signals of support.

Reid wondered when giving fake smiles had become second nature to him…

A/N: Sorry for the long wait. I've been busy with freelance writing, trying to earn a bit of money before I start college this fall. I'm going to try to update at least once more this summer.

This is the longest chapter thus far at 3,775 words! There is about to be a large shift in the story, starting next chapter. Self-harm will be focused on more during this shift.

In case anyone is confused, Dr. Louis was calling Reid "Spencer" and smiling at him to make Reid feel safe, cared for, and in a warm environment with people he could trust and possibly open up to.

REVIEW RESPONSES:

MW3addict: Thanks! I was worried the scattered thinking would be hard to understand.

Couragexoxo: Thanks, and will do!

ThatBigBlueBox: Reid is just so child-like sometimes, especially when he's sad. Which Christmas special? The Return of Doctor Mysterio?

KiaOraToGube: I just hope I actually write the crossover some time before I die. If not, someone else should definitely put the idea to good use.

Guest: Don't you cry no more. (I've been binge-watching Supernatural…)

Guest: It'll get finished! ...At a really slow rate...but surely! ...If I don't die first, that is…

anna: Thank you! Here you go!

Guest: Long wait, but here's the next chapter!

Hannah-SpencerReid-West: I still have a lot of chapters in mind, and it would be a shame to stop now! ;D

Artemismoon91904: "Smile a little today." I smiled a lot thanks to your comment! What a thorough compliment!
Funny you compare me to Shakespeare for two reasons: 1) I don't like any of his plays and 2) I'm apparently, somehow related to him, according to my mother.
"...can I be jealous of you?" Um, sure, if you want.
"I can knew exactly what Reid is feeling and feel it with him." Cool! That's what I was going for. I think the best angst is the one you can feel yourself.
The DW/CM cross-over is unfortunately not coming soon. I still have other fics I've not yet updated in...I'd rather not think how long.
"If you don't mind the question, how old are you?" 18, as of this past winter. ('Course I'm a winter kid. Could I be this cruel to my favorite characters otherwise?)
"...you gotta write yourself a real book." Well, I have books I've started, told myself I would finished and then forgot about. I have two philosophical sci-fi books I want to put on Amazon when I finish writing them. I already have one short story (less than 2,000 words) on Amazon, and I am hoping to add more. If you are interested, just send me a PM, and I'll let you know how to find it.
"...thanks for actually reading this far down." Of course! Long reviews are godsend!

nugnug: "But I just read this chapter like I was watching the show..." That's probably the best thing you can say to a fanfiction writer! I worry about characters not seeming realistic, so it's good to know it feels almost canonical!

nene: Here you go!

Little Mouse on the Praire: I just used the Marine to seem like someone who knows how to fight and likely win. No disrespect nor stereotyping was meant. I actually was going to use a police officer at first, but it wouldn't fit the story as much in terms of logic. A police officer beats up a skinny guy who never even put up a fight, and it is instantly trending. So, I thought "soldier". I contemplated which to use—Navy, Army, Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard—then figured I was wasting too much time on a silly detail about a minor character that no one would pay much attention to anyway and just picked Marines for no real reason other than thinking of John Stewart in the Justice League cartoon (the 2001 one) saying he was in the U.S. Marine Corps. *Shrug* I don't even know what the Marine symbol is.

Ro: I honestly wonder why more people from AO3 haven't come here. I upload chapters I've already finished on AO3 to make it seem as though I am uploading more often on that site.