An A/U story where Josh tells his sister about his PTSD diagnosis (Takes place shortly after Noel).
Crescendo
"Where is he?" Donna knew that tone all too well. It was the tone that Joanie Lyman reserved only for her younger brother. Usually it was for an unreturned phone call to her or their mother, a publicly made snark comment, or looking too thin. Joanie wasn't one to hide her dismay over Josh's lifestyle: the stress, the long hours . . . It all took a toll on his body, and after Rosslyn, she was far more concerned for his well-being. But today, today the tone was for something else, and Donna had a pretty good idea what that something else was.
The question of course, did not need an answer. Joanie was quick to make her way to Josh's office. Despite the door being closed, she barged in without so much as a knock, finding Josh passed out at his desk surrounded by his lunch, which was comprised of a vending machine spread: a Yodel, Yoo-Hoo, and bag of Cape Cod chips. Donna was quick to close his office door just as Joanie bellowed, "JOSHUA LYMAN WAKE UP!" Her order was met with a blank stare as Josh's head bolted up right, eyes fluttering open quickly as he readjusted from his sleep induced haze. Wiping a few chip crumbs from his face he properly greeted his sister, "Hello Joan. What a pleasant surprise," his voice laced with sarcasm. He looked back to Donna with a slight glare, only for her to mouth "I'm sorry". He had of course, asked that he not be disturbed from 11-2, but he couldn't stay mad at Donna: 1. He knew his sister had just blown past her and 2. He had no defense against her pout, the one she frequently used when they were home enjoying their blissful yet secret domestic life. The secret, was known to a short list of people: Joanie, their mother, and Sam.
"To what do I owe the pleasure, Joan?" Josh asked as he tried to clean up the mess that was his lunch before either woman could ascertain what his lunch comprised of that afternoon. No such luck.
"Eww, Josh what are you eating? Donna you didn't get this for him did you? Please say you didn't."
"No, I brought him a grilled chicken salad, Josh where is that? I took my time making it for you."
"Okay first off, you didn't make it, you . . ."
"Technicalities Josh! Your girlfriend made sure you had a healthy lunch, and look at you eating this junk! Do I need to call mom . . ." Joanie threatened as she reached for his office phone, but Josh was quick to pull it away.
"No, don't call her. I will never hear the end of it."
"Then eat your salad."
"Ahh-kay."
"Thank you." Joanie nearly whispered. Although she was angry with him, her concern for what happened to her baby brother far outweighed her anger. She remembered the distressed phone call she had received from Donna that August night, her voice barely audible through her sobs and trembling words as she told Joanie that Josh had been shot in the chest, his condition critical. For the past five months, Joanie, their mother, and Donna had worried over Josh's blood pressure, and the spread in front of him certainly wasn't helping.
"Now that we have that covered, care to tell me about he message you left me on my answering machine the other night?! You know the one where you had to regretfully decline my invitation to my concert?" Joanie was the first chair pianist for the National Symphony Orchestra, and despite having over 100 shows a year, the first one in January had always been her favorite. The Lyman family had always attended, it was tradition. Josh had been Joanie's number one supporter since her days in middle school stage band. He never missed one of her senior shows when he was attending Harvard as a Freshman and Joanie was a senior at The Berklee College of Music. And with Noah's passing a few years ago, it was even more important to Joanie that Josh be there for her as she took the stage for the first January concert each new year. She was at a loss for words when she heard Josh's vague message. Why would he miss something that he knew was so important to her? Something that he enjoyed? At least she thought he did.
Joanie was aware of the look that passed between Josh and Donna, and couldn't believe that he was blowing her off to work on the budget, that it required his full attention.
" I can't believe you're missing my show. You KNOW how important this is to me! Especially, ESPECIALLY with dad being gone. You know we're playing Schubert's Ave Marie and you KNOW how much that piece means to me Josh." Joanie was almost as good as their mother when it came to laying on the Jewish guilt.
"Look I want to, I just, I just can't this year, ok? I have to work on the budget, it's my job. Mom will be there, Donna will be there . . ."
"Yes Josh but YOU won't be. You're being selfish."
"That's not fair Joanie," Donna couldn't hold back. She knew this was hard for Josh. He WANTED to go, but he couldn't, not when he was just barely coming to terms with his PTSD. Being around music was the last thing he needed right now and Donna knew he just wasn't ready.
"It's ok Donna. Look I can try to go . . ." Josh just didn't have it in him to argue with this sister. He was worn down from everything that had happened. He needed to save his strength for his work obligations, for the President.
"Josh-" Donna began as she crossed her arms and made her way towards him, concern etched on her face.
"Good. I'm glad you're coming to your senses. You can work on the budget every other night this week." Joanie, happy with the outcome, missed the anguish on Josh's face and the concern in Donna's voice. She was focused on her goal, and just like her brother, she was determined and stubborn, pushing until she got her way.
"Do you think it's time to tell her, Josh?" Donna asked quietly after Joanie had left. He sighed as he leaned into her, finding that familiar comfort as she tenderly ran her hand through his thick, unruly hair. He relaxed under her touch, his hands finding her waist as he whispered into her ear, "I'm not sure yet," sealing his answer with a kiss to her temple.
"When you're ready, Josh. There's no rush and nothing to be ashamed of." Donna smiled as she straightened his tie, before stepping out of his embrace. They were careful at work, anyone could push his office door open, and it would be hard explaining their more than friendly embrace. It would have to wait until they got home.
0o0o0oo0o0o0o0o0o0o
"We need to find a way to get you out of this Josh." Donna began as she placed dinner on the kitchen table: two plates of lemon pepper chicken and green beans adorned with two glasses of a French chardonnay.
"I don't really see an option for that, unless I tell her the truth."
"Although I don't particularly enjoy lying to your sister, we could just say you're not feeling well or that Leo needed you."
"I can't lie to her. She knows. She has a sixth sense about that kind of thing, like my mother. I'm surprised she believed me when I told her I was working on the budget."
Donna sighed as she reached for Josh's hand, delicately running her finger over his bandaged palm. "I will do it for you. My poker face can be decent when I need it to be." It was true, and Donna much prefer lying to Joanie than having Josh come face to face with his PTSD trigger. There was absolutely no need for him to be exposed to that. Her eyes remained on his palm as she waited for Josh's response, which came immediately as he gently lifted her chin with his finger.
"I don't want you to ever have to lie for me, Donna. I'm just going to go, and if it gets bad, I will leave."
"Josh, I know you mean well, but I don't think you're going to be able to just get up and leave." Donna's voice trembled as she continued, her lip quivering. "At the Yo-Yo Ma concert, your body was there, but your mind wasn't. I love you and I'm not going to let you go through that again." Seeing Donna's lip quiver was his undoing; she needed comfort from him and needed it from her.
"Come here Donna," Josh spoke quietly, knowing it always soothed her.
They sat there for a moment, Josh slowly rubbing Donna's back as he nuzzled her neck, breathing her in. THIS is his safe place, and any time he found himself starting to spin out of control, he knew that holding the woman he loves would always calm him. Of course in this moment, he didn't find himself spinning out of control, but he definitely felt a calmness overcome him from a hectic Friday afternoon.
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"Joan."
"Ah, Tobias. How are you this fine morning?" Joanie smiled as she moved her coat over to make room for Toby. Every Saturday, they sat together during temple service. It was the one hour a week where they both escaped work, and as much as Joanie loved the piano, it had begun to feel more like work than passion lately.
"Fine, and yourself?" Toby's lip made the slightest motion into what some might consider a smile. Joanie found his gruff demeanor endearing.
"I'm fine, other than the fact that my brother is driving me nuts."
"More than usual?"
"Yes, more than usual." Joanie couldn't help but roll her eyes, still aggravated from her conversation with Josh the prior day.
"What, dare I ask, did he do now?" Toby asked, assuming it was just a petty argument between siblings.
"He's a selfish schmuck who is apparently too busy with the budget to show up for my January concert, the one he has never missed before in his life. I'm sorry but he can work on the budget every other night that week so he can go to my show. There is absolutely no excuse. And on top of that Toby, he didn't even have the guts to tell me to my face. I had to listen to some stuttering message on my machine. My brother only stutters when he's uncomfortable with something. So clearly, he's not telling me the whole story." Joanie crossed her arms, satisfied with her rant. Toby sat there for a moment, unsure of how to approach this particularly sensitive topic. He knew something wasn't quite right; Josh's behavior had been off lately and it concerned his friends greatly. Toby wasn't sure who else had seen Josh at the Yo-Yo Ma concert, but what he had seen worried him, and he was glad that he had mentioned it to Stanley Keyworth. And although Toby didn't know exactly what Josh's diagnosis was, he knew that whatever it was had to be serious. No one, no one raises their voice to the president.
"My advice, if you want to take it, is to ease up on him." Toby paused before leaning in a little closer and continuing, "He seems like he's having a rough time." Toby looked Joanie in the eyes, hoping his tone and words were enough to convey his concern for Josh. Before Joanie could respond, the service began.
0o0o0oo0o0o0o0o0o0o
That evening, Joanie poked at her avocado and caprese salad, mulling yesterday afternoon over and over in her head. She had thought about Toby's words all day. He was right, something was going on with Josh and she was too irritated and pissed off at him yesterday to see it . . . But replaying the scene in her head she could see that Josh looked defeated and tired. As she bit into a soft piece of fresh mozzarella and took a sip of her Fiano, it occurred to her that Josh was lying about working on the budget, it just wasn't the right time of year for that. So either he didn't think Joanie knew enough about the federal budget, or whatever was bothering Josh was causing him enough distress that he couldn't come up with a good lie. He was usually much sharper than that.
An hour later, Joanie found herself sitting at her baby grand, absent-mindedly playing 'Listen to the Music', one of Josh's go to songs by the Doobie Brothers. She replayed Toby's words in her mind, 'He seems like he's having a rough time lately.' Joanie's thoughts immediately went to the shooting, but they were coming up on five months since it happened, so she didn't think it was that. For the first few months after it happened, he seemed fine, albeit he was in physical pain, but he seemed okay other than that. Or so she thought. Had anything else happened recently? Even Donna was concerned yesterday, that in itself made Joanie worry. Her fingers paused over the piano keys as she let out a deep breath that she didn't even know she was holding. Joanie immediately felt guilty for how she acted; she had missed the pain her brother was carrying and it was right in front of her.
She didn't know what was going on with Josh, but Joanie knew for sure that her little brother wasn't okay.
0o0o0oo0o0o0o0o0o0o
A knock at the door interrupted Josh and Donna's quiet Saturday evening.
"Eat your asparagus Josh, I'll get it."
"I'll eat the beef, and save the greens for you Donnatella. I know how much you love them."
"No, eat your greens. I'll tell Mrs. B if you don't."
"You wouldn't . . "
"Oh I would, I report to her daily." Donna winked as she walked towards the door swaying her hips. Josh froze, his eyebrows practically up to his hairline. "I KNEW you two were in cahoots."
"It's Joanie," Donna turned her head towards Josh after looking through the door spy hole; both their faces furnished the same reaction of "I wasn't prepared for this conversation tonight".
"Hey Donna," Joanie smiled as she walked in. "Little brother, how are you this evening?"
"Uh hey Joan, just uh eating my vegetables." Josh stabbed a bit of asparagus and held it up to drive home his point.
"Eat those, or Dr. B will hear about it."
Josh paused a moment and looked at Donna and then back at his sister, not missing the grin the passed between the two women.
"Do you want some dinner Joanie, there's plenty left, I can make you a plate." Donna moved towards the kitchen.
Joanie took Donna's hand with her own before she got too far, "No thanks Donna. I'm actually here to have a little chat with Mr. Vegetables over there."
"What did I do now?"
"Let's talk little brother."
"I will give you two some privacy," Donna smiled and placed her hand on Joanie's shoulder as she walked passed her and grabbed her dinner from the coffee table. "I'll go to your study, Josh."
"K," Josh whispered as he gave Donna a quick peck on the lips. Donna returned the gesture before adding, "Please eat your veggies."
"Awwww cute. Still as sweet on each other as you were on the campaign," Joanie teased as she made her way over to the couch, taking Donna's wine glass. "Donna, I'm drinking your wine!"
"That's fine!" Donna laughed as she emerged from the kitchen with another glass and the rest of the bottle, making her way down the hall to give Joanie and Josh their privacy.
"So, what can I do for you big sister."
"Well, this evening as I sat on my couch enjoying my exquisite avocado and caprese salad, I realized that you lied to me today."
"Oh."
"Yeah 'oh', Joshua". They sat in silence, Josh waited for his sister to continue.
"But it wasn't the lie that bothered me Josh. I was a little umm, how should I put this? DIFFICULT, I was a little difficult when I barged into your office yesterday afternoon, so I apologize for that. But more so, I apologize for being selfish and pissed off, because my emotions kept me from seeing what was in front of me . . ."
They sat in silence for a moment, Josh focused on the wall in front of him as he took a swig from his wine glass. He waited for Joanie to continue, even thought he knew this wasn't a conversation he was prepared for.
"Pain, Josh. You're in pain and it was right in front of me. I missed it, and I'm sorry, I'm sorry Joshua."
He knew there was no point to brush this off, to tell his sister he was fine, to keep her in the dark. She knew something was going on with him, so he might as well tell her. It would be easier, and he hated keeping things from her anyway. He just wasn't sure what to say next, maybe a simple, 'Yeah', would cover it. But Joanie continued, "Like I was saying, I was eating my salad and it dawned on me that there was no way you were working on the budget, you worked on that last summer and it already passed. And I realized you stopped arguing with me way too quick . . . and I know that Josh Lyman never stops arguing until he has made his point. Donna looked concerned and you looked . . . You looked defeated Josh."
'Yeah," was all he could manage to say. He wasn't quite sure how to put into words, "I have PTSD from getting shot and music is my trigger." How the hell do you say that to your sister, the professional musician?
Sensing his discomfort, Joanie reached for Josh's hand, giving it a light squeeze. The simple action gave Josh the support he needed to look his sister in the eye, accompanied by a weak, but genuine smile.
"You don't have to tell me what's going on if you aren't ready. I'm here for you no matter what. And if you can't make it to my concert, please know that I understand." She was giving him an out, allowing him his privacy for his pain.
Josh focused on the wall in front of him again as he began, "I thought I was okay, ya know? I was shot, I survived surgery, and I recovered. I thought I was okay . . . But then, then I was assigned to evaluate what had happened to a fighter pilot who suddenly broke away from training and crashed his plane, and then the nightmares started, and there was music, a brass quintet at the White House." Joanie, still not sure what Josh was telling her, waited, letting Josh explain in his own time in his own way.
"Remember my hand a few weeks back? Well I didn't cut it on a glass Joan . . ." He paused and looked at her before continuing with his painful revelation, I put it through a window. . . . I put my hand through the living room window," he reiterated to drive home his point. He felt Joanie grab his hand, he saw her eyes start to glisten with her unshed tears. "it wasn't until I started seeing Stanley Keyworth-"
"I'm sorry, who is that?"
"Oh right, sorry. Umm he's a psychiatrist with ATVA, the American Trauma Victims Association. Umm people at work started to notice that my behavior was odd. I wasn't myself. Donna was the one who figured it out."
"Of course she was," Joanie smiled and squeezed her brother's hand, silently thanking G-d for bringing Donna into Josh's life.
"I also raised my voice to President Bartlet . . " Joanie's cringed faced matched Josh's. "I know, I don't even remember doing it. And remember I told you how Yo-Yo Ma was coming to the Congressional Christmas party?" Joanie nodded. "I found myself reliving it . . . the umm, ya know shooting while he played 'Bach's Suite No. 1 in G-Major' . . . and that led to this," Josh held up his still wrapped hand.
At that moment, Joanie was pretty sure she knew what Josh was going to tell her, what was going on with him, but she didn't want to rush her brother, he needed to say the words when he was ready.
So Stanley connected the dots for me. The brass quintet at the White House triggered my stress and so did the Yo-Yo Ma concert. The quintet subconsciously reminded me of sirens. I have . . . I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Joanie, and music is my trigger."
And there it was. Josh's eyes stayed locked on Joanie's, pain in one set of brown eyes and pure love and understanding in the other set of brown eyes. Joanie still had a thousand questions and found herself battling the urge to ask all of them. Now just wasn't the time. Josh had shared as much as he wanted to that evening, and she knew that. Instead, Joanie said all that she needed to say . . . all that really mattered:
"I'm here for you Josh."
"Thanks Joan. I'm better than I was, but some days are harder than others, like yesterday . . . I was tired yesterday and had a lot on my desk."
"You always have a lot on your desk, it's a disaster zone!" Joanie went for a joke to lighten the mood.
"Not my fault I'm an important guy who has a lot to do," Josh puffed his chest out. Joanie laughed and lightly smacked Josh's shoulder with her hand. "Maybe Joan, at another time I can answer any questions you have, but I don't want to discuss it tonight."
"I get it Josh. Thank you for sharing with me."
"Oh and Joan? Don't tell mom."
"I won't, not unless you ask me to." The Lyman siblings knew their mother had been through enough tragedy, she didn't need to know about this.
Nothing more needed to be discussed about the topic. An unspoken understanding passed between the siblings: Josh wouldn't attend one of Joanie's concerts until he was ready, and conversation was steered towards a happier direction:
"So I heard from mom that you asked for it."
"For what?"
"Don't play coy with me Joshua, you know what I mean." Joanie nudged her younger brother.
"Yes, I asked for it," Josh grinned before continuing. "It's in the safe in my study."
"Oh jeez, and Donna's about five feet away from it and she has no idea. So when are you going to ask her?"
"April, April's the anniversary of when she started working for me."
"No, it's February."
"Ugh you're just like Donna, Joanie. It's not February."
"Yes it is Josh, that's when she started working for the campaign."
"Yeah, but April is when she came back for good and ya know, we professed our undying love for one another."
"GREAT. Just great Josh. Now I have to wait three whole months for you to propose?!"
"Yupp, sorry," Josh began to make his way off the couch and towards the study, Joanie was quick on his heels.
"Ya know, you two really need to tell people, she's not going to be able to wear that pretty diamond on her hand at work ya know."
Josh rolled his eyes, "We're well aware Joanie. Just let me enjoy planning the proposal and actually asking her before we discuss logistics of telling everyone."
"That's fair."
"Oh and by the way," Josh began as he knocked on the door to his study. "I think Toby wants to ask you out." He couldn't help but wink and grin at his sister.
"Well if he's going to, he better hurry up. I'm getting tired of waiting and putting on makeup and cute outfits for temple just to impress him."
"Gag."
"Shut up Josh," Joanie paused and pointed a finger at Josh before continuing with a smirk, "Oh and if he does intend to ask, tell him to bring me a pie on our first date."