"I love you." He said simply as we pulled into the flat in Belfast. "I will always love you."
We hadn't fought since we moved to Belfast. It had been a month and I wondered when it would happen. It seemed like before Michael was always willing to take my punches with a strong jaw, but since we moved in together, his entire game changed. If there was a misunderstanding or disagreement, he let up. He was softer about issues that he deemed insignificant and more unwavering about topics he thought were important. He didn't want to talk about his family, though and I didn't ask anymore. The fight wasn't worth it because in the end, he still wouldn't talk. He'd make up some story that I could tell was a lie and start undressing... eager to bend me over the oven or the sink or the table or the couch and forget about it. He knew I'd forget my questions in a haze of bliss. I stopped trying to get answers.
Maybe I was getting soft. I'd rather make love than get answers if it meant he was happy. I knew he was a mystery. I lived with a mystery. I was in love with a mystery and I didn't really care. I just wanted him to be happy... and he was. Or so he had me believe. I could never really be sure, because like I said... he was a mystery. I didn't know him, completely. But... sometimes... I did. Sometimes he didn't need to tell me the truth. I could see it in the way he looked at me. When he woke up in the morning, he looked real... raw and unforgivingly himself. I knew that man. The real michael was gentle to me but would gently rip a couch cushion in half if I got him worked up enough. The real Michael would caress my cheek so softly, it almost didn't happen, and then fuck me so hard, I couldn't walk for a week. He was him. I knew him... and yet... sometimes I just didn't. He was two people in one. He was a boy and a man. I always thought Mcbride the child and Michael the man. He alternated between the two but it seemed like he didn't want me to see the manly side of him. If he slipped out of this childish facade, he'd catch himself often.
In all his childlike wonder and all his burly complexity... he was mine. I would ask him about his past. He would divert to the future. He would ask me about my family, I'd tell him whatever he wanted to know. It wasn't fair really. He lied and I was honest and that was our complicated relationship, but I didn't care so much. I knew he had secrets and he told me the important things. The rest, I didn't press. I wondered if I was becoming like Sam. He said she never asked questions because she knew he wouldn't answer them. I wondered if when they met, she'd been like me. Determined for answers and eventually became scorned about the lack thereof.
He still was mine, though. Not hers. I doubted he was ever hers. He told me I awoke a side of him Sam never saw and would never see. Through it all, he was here with me and that meant he wanted to be here with me because Michael wasn't good with taking orders. He was a lone wolf. Or maybe he wasn't. Lone wolves don't find the love of their life. They walk alone until they die alone. Michael was something else. He was a wolf in the way that he could easily survive solo, but he was so many other animals. A gorilla of a lover. A gorilla who fucked like a bunny. I couldn't put my finger on him.
I was getting soft. I could tell by every word I said. I was a woman who was very in love and I just wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
"I love you." He mumbed into his pillow one night. "But if you keep staring at me while I'm trying to sleep, I'm gonna smother you to death."
I rolled over and fell asleep, content.
That was a week before he vanished.
"Fionaaaaa..." He tapped my nose trying to wake me.
"Fuck you, McBride." I growled.
"I made you an omelet." He offered.
"Egg whites?"
"Of course."
I dragged myself out of bed to kiss him hard on the lips. "I love you so much."
"I love you too, Fi... but if you don't brush your teeth, we're breaking up." He grinned.
I made my way to the bathroom and grabbed my toothbrush, only pausing to note our running low on toothpaste. "Remind me to get toothpaste while we're out."
"We need paper towels, too. Check the bathroom cabinet to make sure thats all we need."
I opened the cabinet and looked through its contents. I stopped. Michael appeared in the doorway after a moment. "Fi?"
"I..." I stared at the box of tampons like it was foreign.
"Are you... ok?" He sounded scared.
"Michael... I..." I was counting back days.
"Are you sure?"
"No... I'm not." I said. "How sure can I be, though?"
"So... a pregnancy test, then?" He said, adding it to the mental list.
"We should go now." I said "Right now." He agreed.
We piled into the truck and drove to the drug store on the corner. He didn't seem sure on which test to get and I wasn't either. He read the back of one of them and then grabbed another of a different brand.
"Lets just get 2 different brands." He shrugged.
"2 tests." I agreed. "From 2 different brands. Makes sense to me."
After we checked out, we both went to the back of the store. There was a womens restroom, a mens restroom and a family one. I walked into the family one and held the door for Michael. He leaned against the wall and waited patiently. It wasn't 30 seconds before 'not pregnant' showed up on both of the tests. I took a deep breath and released it, looking at Michael.
"Oh, thank God." He said, kissing my forehead.
I laughed. "Can you fucking imagine?"
"A baby." He laughed with me. "Us... a baby."
"You still are a baby."
He laughed harder and followed me to the car. It was quiet on the way home until he whispered. "Fi, I love you."
"I know."
"I just don't want you to think I'm overly relieved about you not being..." He trailed off. "I mean, I was relieved. But... you know."
"Yeah. I know." I smiled at him. "We just aren't ready."
"I know, Michael. Neither of us are. I love you more than I can say." That was 4 days before he vanished.