"My wife makes tiny furniture for hamsters," I squeeze my thumb and index finger together to demonstrate the miniscule size of her craft, "and I create zines". My wife and I stare at each other lovingly before exclaiming, "and together our budget is 5 million dollars!". Our dream has always been to appear on HGTV's Property Virgins, I even created a zine about it once that was my biggest seller – 12 whole copies! And here we finally are, my wife and I, hand in hand, staring into the camera listing our first-home "must haves". We want a house in the shape of a spaceship, concrete floors, green velvet walls, a bathtub in the living room, 20 kitchens, and we want it to be move-in ready. "It's non-negotiable," my wife says sternly. Our real estate agent and the show's host, Sandra Rinomato, gulps before laughing nervously and side-eyeing the cameraman. "We've been living in my step-father's mother's uncle's cousin's ex-fiancé's goat shed for the past year trying to save up money," I say, pinching my nose and waving my hand in front of my face, "so we are really glad to be moving into a real house soon!". "Yea, and the goats are ready to have their home back too," my wife jokes. I sigh and squeeze her thigh – she just gets me.
The first house we see is a modern beach condo with a beautiful oceanfront view at 3.4 million dollars. Sandra says it's move-in ready, but it lacks all the cool and quirky features we're really looking for, so in reality, it would require a lot of fixing up. "I'm terrified of sharks," my wife confesses to the camera man, "that's why I want to live in a spaceship house – because there's no sharks in space". Sandra nods her head, eyes bulging, probably realizing just how logical my wife's argument is, before leading us into a room filled entirely with hammocks, surrounded by glass walls and a glass ceiling. My wife and I are in awe at the brilliance of the room! Sandra begins to say we could easily take the hammocks down before we interrupt her to say how absolutely extraordinary the concept and the room's feng shui is. "And you can't even see the sharks from here, just the view of the dump, how perfect," remarks my wife. This house is definitely a contender.
The second house we see is your typical, boring suburban mansion, right at the top of our budget at 4.9 million dollars. The craftsman style porch, crown-molding ceilings, outdoor stone firepit, color-coordinated furniture, and large kitchen leaves a sour taste in both mine and my wife's mouths. "We really wanted something a bit less 'cookie-cutter'" sighs my wife. "And I think we're both disappointed we haven't seen any spaceship houses," I say, my wife nodding in agreement. Sandra lets us know that this house is a steal and we could always remodel it to fit our 'dream house' idea, but it's just not for us. This one is definitely out.
The last house Sandra takes us to is settled in the mountains and has 20 acres of land. As we pull up the long, winding drive, we start to see metallic angles jutting out over the trees. Hope begins to fill my body, my wife squeezes my hand, and we both hold our breath. "Whoaaaaa," we gasp, looking up wondrously at the giant spaceship house. Finally; this is everything we have been working so hard for finally come to fruition! We tour the inside, which has been completely gutted and has severe water damage, but we can see the potential brimming from every corner, wall, and surface! On the property is also an armadillo sanctuary – my wife's favorite animal – it's like the universe has made this house especially for us. Sandra tells us she has some bad news before revealing that the house is actually listed at 10 million dollars – way over our budget. Discouraged and searching for ideas, we leave the viewing pondering what to do.
The doorbell rings, singing Ozzy Osbourne's Crazy Train as we programmed it do, and we welcome in the camera crew to our new home: the spaceship house! "We managed to negotiate with the seller's and purchase the house just a little over our budget, at 8 million dollars," I explain, "We got help with the down payment from our parents and my wife landed a huge deal with Paris Hilton for her hamster furniture, which allowed us to buy the house of our dreams!". We give the camera crew a tour, debuting our newly renovated home, complete with lime green velvet walls patterned with Kermit the Frog's face on them. "But it wouldn't be complete without our in-ground mini-pool and hot tub in the living room, with a floor mosaic of all of our new armadillo's," my wife grins. "We did have to sacrifice the number of kitchens we wanted, we only managed to fit in 10 to the space," I shrug my shoulders, "but maybe that could be something we add-on in the future". We say goodbye to the HGTV crew, so grateful for our chance to appear on the show, and decide to grow our little family by two – adopting a piglet and pony, both of whom take up more mattress space and steal the covers more often than my wife! This is the dream. "Alexa, fire photon torpedoes," my wife and I giggle, relaxing in our own glass-encased hammock room.