Donut is a blind date mastermind.

Pairings Beyond Grimmons:

~Background Locnut

~Background Jensen x Palomo

Other Notes for This Story:

~Written for the 15kisses comm on Dreamwidth. The prompt was "Sagittarius: #4 Humiliation."

Legal Disclaimer: I do not own Red vs. Blue or any of the show's characters. They are the rightful properties of Rooster Teeth.

Blind Date

Richard "Dick" Simmons wasn't sure how, but he was fairly certain that this was all Donut's fault.

After all, the guy had been talking non-stop about how perfect he felt a certain someone would be for Simmons, even going so far as to shush Tucker by telling the teal-armored soldier he shouldn't make people feel flustered (...wait, what?) or self-conscious through teasing because that would just ruin everything.

Truth be told, Simmons adamantly-yet-as-politely-as-possible refused to allow Donut to so much as even mention setting him up on a blind date. That one time, when the maroon-wearing man crash-landed on top of the picnic basket Palomo had made for Jensen, was a less than subtle attempt to get away from his good-natured but clueless teammate. It had backfired stupendously, resulting in Simmons paying for the blushing pair's meal to make up for it. Everything turned out all right in the end, save for Simmons' humiliation. Not that that was really anything new. Afterwards, Simmons assumed Donut had given up on blind dates for his redheaded teammate entirely.

But then Carolina literally accosted Simmons on the Reds and Blues most recent visit to Chorus, telling the cyborg that he had to meet someone for her at a nearby restaurant. Apparently, she was certain she'd found Simmons' perfect match and thought he could use a relaxing night off. Simmons was still utterly terrified of Carolina, but more in a "big sister who could bench press you" kind of way now, so he readily agreed to her request since she made it seem like he'd be doing her a huge favor.

So Simmons went, weak-kneed and shaking, both curious and nervous to see who exactly he had been set up with.

...Only to find Grif, of all people, sitting at the table reserved for his date.

Donut's latest wine and cheese hour with Carolina, in her continuing efforts to learn to relax, came flying back to him. Along with the whispered murmurings of "But I'm telling you, they're just so perfect for one another!" coming from Donut as Carolina nodded and stuffed more cheese into her mouth just as Simmons dragged Grif from the kitchen before the other redhead kicked the heavyset man for trying to take the serving platter with him. Obviously, Carolina still hadn't quite gotten the relaxation part fully down yet.

Grif raised an eyebrow as his pale-skinned friend approached the table, "Hey, Simmons." He said lazily, as if this wasn't the most embarrassing moment ever. Of all time.

"D-did Carolina tell you to come meet someone here too?" Simmons asked shakily without preamble, suddenly terrified that Grif might see him on a date.

"No." Grif's reply was immediate and Simmons' shoulders sagged in quiet relief.

"..But Locus told me he had coupons for this place that he wasn't going to use, so I called dibs on them."

Simmons was taken aback, "Locus?" To be honest, he assumed the former mercenary fed off of his victims' tears or something equally kickass. Eating at a four star restaurant didn't seem like Locus' cup of tea. And why the hell did this place have coupons?!

"Yeah. Guess it's hard for him to eat at Chorus since, well," Grif said as he shrugged, "You know."

Yeah, Simmons could see where Locus' past actions in Chorus might make restaurant outings a little difficult. He bet the waiters in Chorus all spat in his food. How unsanitary!

But Simmons was also very much aware of the "gossiping" time Donut seemed to enjoy with the mercenary whenever Locus stopped by Iris for visits. How every so often, the two would pause in their whispering whenever Grif and Simmons came within earshot, Locus giving a quick nod of his head over a whispered conversation as if their presence together confirmed whatever he and Donut had been saying.

"Grif." Simmons began, horrified, "I think we've been set up."

"Yeah. Probably."

Simmons raised a red-haired eyebrow as he sat down across from his teammate, "You're not upset?" He hesitated before deciding to leave out the "Or disappointed?" part of his questioning, not really wanting to know the answer.

Grif shrugged, "We get a free meal out of it, so what do I care?"

"Th-that's...!"

"Relax, Simmons." Grif advised him, "It's not like we don't hang out all the time anyways."

Simmons felt his body start to relax against his better judgement, "True." He wasn't one to argue with sound logic, after all.

"Good. Now let's eat." Grif looked down at the menu, "Think they have pizza here? Or burgers?"

"Oh, they have a kale salad!" Simmons exclaimed happily.

"Dude, you are totally ruining the moment."

In a corner of the restaurant several tables away, Franklin Delano Donut cackled with glee behind his own menu.

"I just knew it would work!" He exclaimed happily, quickly raising up a datapad with his free hand to snap a picture of his orange and maroon-wearing teammates.

"What are you doing?" His date for the evening asked, a tall and intimidating looking man with a x-shaped scar across his forehead.

"Sending photographic evidence to Carolina. I know she'd want to see all her hard work pay off!" Donut told his companion gleefully.

"Hmm." Locus said nothing else to the remark, wondering just how he had gotten dragged into this mess. It was probably when he decided not to kill them all back when he'd been working with Felix. A mistake in judgement he was beginning to deeply regret as he looked at the water he feared to drink because he was guessing the waiter spitted in it.

"Sam, we better order soon. I don't want us to push and push and then miss the climax!"

Locus nearly choked on the water he'd finally dared to drink. When his heated face looked towards Donut, he noted that the dirty blond was positively beaming with happiness for his two teammates.

Locus felt a small tug on his lips at the sight. Maybe it was all right to get dragged into their shenanigans every once in awhile. In moderation. Obviously.

After Grif and Simmons finished eating, the pair walked out of the restaurant together. "That...actually wasn't so bad." Simmons admitted, a slight smile on his face.

"Gotta learn to trust me, kiss-ass, and take advantage of situations when they come to you." Grif advised, acting like he was spreading sage advice to an apprentice.

Simmons nodded, "I'll keep that in mind, fat-ass."

There was a slight pause in the conversation, Grif and Simmons both shifting awkwardly on their feet.

"So," Simmons began hesitantly, hoping he wasn't making a wrong move but for once just wanting to go for it, "We're going to do this again, right?"

"Sure'" Grif almost seemed relieved at Simmons' assertion, the lighter portion of his face turning red slightly, "Especially if we can get the others to pay the bill."

"Oh yeah, definitely." Simmons readily agreed.

...Maybe Donut's blind date plan hadn't been so bad after all, Simmons thought as his and Grif's fingers lightly touched as they walked side-by-side down the busy Chorus street.

Author's Notes: A short and fluffy oneshot because of my busy schedule this week, but I hope that you enjoyed it! I had a lot of fun writing this piece, so thank you so much for reading! :)