A/N Disclaimer: I do not own neither franchise. This applies to all chapters, even if I forget to put the disclaimer that I do not own them.

Chapter 3: Forgetfulness

Garland Moon 23

It's been nine days since I got here. Byleth suggested that I keep a journal so that I could start establishing a routine. He said it was best if I wrote in the mornings about the day before or during the night about the day. I hadn't been doing it. And I certainly did not tell him I couldn't do it. I don't know how to properly write. So, it felt like a drag and a waste of time consuming so much of it in something menial and trivial. I had better things to do, like sleep. Nothing interesting had happened so far anyway. I still hadn't met my classmates.

Still, the monastery was a beautiful place. It had a huge greenhouse with different kinds of flowers I'd never seen. I talked with the gardener to plant the Gardenia seeds I brought from Bikanel. The person was overjoyed with having a new species from overseas in the greenhouse. That was another thing, almost everyone was covered with the robes and hoods that you couldn't tell if they were male or female. Perhaps it was a religious thing. I don't know. Or they were all acolytes and monks, which makes sense this being a monastery.

Byleth was particularly fond of the fishing pond. He taught me the basics of fishing and I discovered that I was not dexterous at it. I was not catching large fish like he was nor was I getting any bites. He said that I lacked patience, and that fishing was the best way to develop patience. I looked at the water "patiently", but I did not feel anything, nor did I see anything that would indicate that a fish had bitten the bait.

Seeing as I was stuck with him everyday until the other students came back, I had to follow him everywhere. He was not much for conversation, and I despised talking to walking walls.

We tried taking up swords the first three days and we got nowhere. Even though they were made of wood, I was not swift or stylish with them. He had explained a few stances, but I forgot them all. I was used to daggers but here people did not use them, so nobody was proficient enough to teach me. Although, with daggers I would not need teaching.

We tried fist-fighting—again (they call it brawling here). I proved my usefulness in dodging. Byleth insisted that we practice everyday so that I could tune up my dodging abilities in what he said was "feeling the other person's movement before it struck". Weird, I didn't try to fight back, merely focusing on how he moved and dodging—which went somewhat horribly. He struck me more times than I could dodge. He noticed that I would be frustrated and say things like you've never done this, do not pretend to be an expert. Forget about how you used to do this and feel.

He makes no sense to me, yet that was the most supportive he's been so far.

We also tried bows. No affinity there.

The last three days of training we explored my affinity with lances, axes, and riding horses. Triple failure.

I was heavily disappointed and the only enjoyable training activity we held was brawling so I could be nimbler. Other than that, Byleth was smart. He explained the basics of gardening to me and encouraged me to spend time caring for the plants in the greenhouse. Another activity he said would improve my knowledge of the self. When I inquired about this, he said that when we are with plants, the conversation is wholly with ourselves and not the plant. Again, this man is weird because I am in conversation with myself most of the time when I'm with him. I don't need to be around the plants for that.

We also cooked together and made salads and stews. This was the only area in which I would get compliments from him. You understand how to blend flavors and cook ingredients. This is important and necessary.

I felt useful! This was something I was good at. And I wasn't surprised because cooking reminded me of when mother and I prepared concoctions and ointments. The dining hall was my favorite place to be. It was fragrant and lively, though I did not speak with anyone because, well I was an outsider, I didn't want to push my luck and Byleth didn't show interest in introducing me to anyone though I was with him most of the time. And he's celebrity, a lot of people are constantly greeting him Professor this, professor that, professor, professor! And he just walks by like they don't exist. Sometimes I cringe because he just pushes them out of the way. Although I laugh in my mind at that.

We also tried singing in the Cathedral. My voice was not the best. Although, he said that I had good vocalization. He suggested that I coordinate tea parties with my classmates so I could get to know them better. A suggestion I would not consider at all. That seemed fancy and royal like. Before we left the Cathedral, he pondered aloud on my vocalization skills, he loosely mentioned that my talent might be Faith in the Goddess. Uh, have you seen me? Do I look like the worshipping type? I bet she doesn't exist. As I thought that last bit, I felt a pang in my chest like someone had jabbed me. Must be my breathing wrong.

I think it's been a good week exploring what this place has to offer. That said, I still did not know what the classes taught. I didn't ask either. He wasn't kidding when this would be the same routine every day. It was all structured; you would be up at twilight for breakfast and then a walk until morning light became intense. Afterwards, he would let me go to the greenhouse and he would just lounge around somewhere. At noon he would come for me for lunch. After that we would have our diverse training sessions and fish in the late afternoon.

I was at liberty of deciding if I wanted to have dinner or not. Although, if I didn't, he would insist on fishing again to train my patience. He was adamant on keeping eyes on me. It was nice to be looked after, yet I wanted a conversation. He wouldn't give me that.

At night, before sleep I had a chance to wash in an area after the classrooms that was designed to be some sort of bathhouse and sauna. A few nights I had the place to myself since the other students were out and it was divided in an area for people who were students and the other for adults. Byleth didn't take kindly my leisure approach to bathing because he would knock and tell me to not dawdle. But these were to most wonderful bathes I'd ever taken in my life. It was a privilege known to none in Bikanel. And having the place to myself meant not needing to cover up with a towel! Although, I don't think I would cover up anyway, you can't properly wash if you're trying to avoid being seen.

My room was next to his, it was assigned. It stood next to the stairs that lead to the classrooms which were assigned per house (which is what he explained to me that Golden Deer, Blue Lions and Black Eagles represented). In this place each house represents a separate territory and the students in those houses belonged to that specific territory.

I felt undeserving of this room. To the left was a full bed with sheets and quilts. A wardrobe stood in front of it so I could store my possessions and clothes (which was empty since I only had my bag of ointments and things) and inside it held a mirror, a bookshelf to the right that was empty with some drawers to either store random items or clothes. Next to the bookshelf was an L shaped wooden desk with candle lights strategically place in the corners. A wooden chair would be placed neatly in each side of the desk for use or company. Next to my bed, a nightside table with the empty book given to me so I could record my thoughts and musings. It still lay there. I still did not have intention to write.

I've never slept so comfortably in the past as I have this week. I've never eaten so much. I've never felt so enamored and inadequate at the same time. Seven days ago, it was my birthday. Nobody remembered. Yet, I didn't tell anyone either. I don't know what I was hoping for. Will it be the same next year?

Today the others will arrive from their training assignment outside the monastery. My chest was jittery, pulsating faster than it used to. My breathing was faster than normal, I wasn't sure what to expect from the people that would arrive. I still only knew by name Byleth and Lady Rhea. I had not met any other professors or students. The person in the greenhouse still wasn't keen on talking to me and the guard at the gate would energetically salute me but wouldn't carry out a conversation with me unless Byleth would assure him that it was safe to do so or if he was by my side.

I was sitting by the short side of the bed staring at my shadowy reflection in the wardrobe's mirror. I knew Byleth was awake because he was already walking around as his shadow would be seen on the edge of the door. "I'm up. I'll be out in a bit." I was already ready, in Bikanel we were always used to sleeping with our clothes no matter what. You could never tell when a sandstorm was coming. I noticed that he stood still, his shadow no longer swaying side to side under my door. When I got out, he had this perplexed look in face. He was in uniform. The black cap, tight black clothing and cape with the knee-high black boots. Too much black.

"What are we doing now?"

"Walk through the forest as we have done. I will be back after noon. I am going to rendezvous with the students. I will come for you."

"Oh, 'kay."I smiled and nodded in agreement and waved him goodbye. I didn't wait for him to leave so I could go down through the stairs and leave through the reception hall and the gates from the marketplace as we usually would. Turning left once outside I walked towards our usual path these days. I'm pretty sure I had it memorized. He insisted on walking back and forth. I wasn't sure where it was that I had to turn back though. The whole trail was almost identical. Huge trees that formed intricate webs of branches fractured the sunlight. Small shrubs with flower decorated the way and emitted sweet and citrus-like fragrances.

I lost my focus on space, time and fluctuations of sunlight as I found myself in an open area with an orange blossom tree in the middle. Nice! Voicing out loud and then looking around in embarrassment. To my fortune, it was blooming, so the relaxing citrus fragrant was noticeable. I climbed unto the branches easily thanks to all the physical activity of the week and managed to collect some flowers to later wither and use for ointments.

I jumped down and landed on my hands and knees, wincing a bit on the pain. I settled unto the base of the trunk and basked in the cool shade this tree offered. This was a moment of respite all to me. Completely alone, I closed my eyes and felt myself go in the dance of colors that closing them produced. And then it stopped.

"You again!" The pine green haired woman looked at me. Excited to see me again, this time she walked down her stairs and sat in front of me. Conscious of this, I noticed that I was sitting down as well, still feeling the tree's trunk behind me.

"Hello, ma'am."I still don't know her name. I blushed and asked, "Can you tell me your name?"

"Ah! My name? Mhm." She held her hand and leaned to the side thoughtfully, "I'm not sure. My name doesn't come to me likes yours does. You can call me wisdom, so you remember how honorable you should feel to talk with me."

"Uhm, okay. Wisdom. It feels weird."

"You will get used to it. It feels just right." She looked at me intently and exclaimed, "Oh! Your right eye is different from your left eye. I have never seen this phenomenon."

"It's uh…I don't know…I was born with them like that."

"And that's why you covered it up?"

"Well,"I scratched my head and bowed down and spoke despondently, "it was what my mother did. Where I'm from we had to make them believe that I lost it. People don't take kindly to you having different eyes."

"I see. Hm." I added, "Lady Rhea said that my crest was embedded in my eye."

"Mhm. Lady Rhea? She's wrong, child. Crests are not something that you attach to body parts. They are within you."

"Within?"

"Yes," she sighed and stood, moving around in circles as she explained, "you could say that they are part of your blood. They require your body and mind to be open so that they can flow through you. It is so how you can tap into them. But you…you appear to have no crest, yet it is obvious that there is a crest within you. If it is sealed it would make sense that your eye changed color permanently. And the swirl in your left eye? Most fascinating!"

"All Al Bhed have these swirls in our eyes, what do you mean sealed? This…this makes no sense. We don't know any of that in Bikanel. And people in Spira don't have Crests."

"Are you daft? Sea-led. Your body was forced to forget it has a crest. Thus, talentless in all domains. You show no affinity or capabilities because they have been erased and locked away. And if no one from your land possesses crests, then it is most obvious that one of your progenitors are not from your land, rather from this one where crests are hailed as a blessing from the Goddess." Her voice turned low and worrisome,"You have not maddened at all, even though your crest is sealed."

"Maddened? Wha-?"

"Yes! Maddened. People who dabble in sealing or transferring crests tend to go mad. They lose their reason. It is a curse without purification. And those who have their crests sealed tend to lose themselves to the accumulation of unharnessed power."

Thankfully, this maddening concept did not sound like it would happen to me. Yet, I still worried about the truth of my eye and whether I had a crest. "She told me that I was to be exposed to everything and anything so that I could find my affinity and capability."

"Mhm, useless. Be careful of that Lady Rhea. Her methods are…pay me no mind. You will figure it out on your own. With patience and openness, you will find what connects you to your blood. And I wouldn't worry, if yours has been sealed for so long and you still stand, it is most likely that you will remain sane."

"You know Lady Rhea?"

"Child! You aren't listening. Be patient. Be open. Find what connects you to your blood. Listen to Byleth."

"Byleth? He can help me?" My voice rose with the heat in my body as I questioned her,"I've done everything he's told me to do and I haven't discovered anything!"

"You have not. And you have missed it. Pitiful."

"How can I have miss—"

The mantle of darkness fell.

The fragrance of the blossoms shook me awake. The wind was rustling the trees, no longer shaded by the tree I saw how the sun stood gallantly in the horizon. This meant that I had overstayed the time limit and afternoon had reached me. Byleth! He said he would come for me!

I quickly stood and started to run as fast as I could to find my way back to the monastery. After a while, I found myself in a stream that I hadn't seen before. I was probably lost. Panting and gasping for more air, I deduced that I had gone the opposite way. I jogged back to the open area and went into another trail, hoping it was the one I came from.

I lost track of time. Dusk and nightfall came quickly, and this trail seemed to go on forever. I'm such a fool for having slept through the day and for getting lost in this place—more evidence of my lack of usefulness. I haven't done anything of value here and I'm already being a burden on others. People will probably notice that Byleth is worrying over me and my classmates will look down on me for being worthless. Even though I keep running nothing seems familiar, everything starts to look black and through the intricate webbings of branches I can glance up to the stars in the sky. I stopped, gasping and panting. Feeling exhausted, I haven't eaten anything to do. I've lost my jug of water and I had nothing that could be useful right now.

I feel so small. Useless. Worthless. I'm such a fool. I closed my eyes to feel the heaviness in my body. How my hands and legs trembled and how warm my breath felt against my lips and how my sweat cooled me with the night air. I want to disappear, and if I had a dagger I could disappear. I sat next to a tree and straddled my legs close to my chest and held them tightly with my arms so I could hide my face in the space between. I knew I was naïve to think myself capable of being alone. Here I was, helpless. In need of rescue. Tears were smoothly traveling their way down my cheeks into the edge of my lips before falling into my hips. I sobbed wildly and without filter like I did whenever I felt myself slipping underground, below the sand.

I hoped that no one would see me like this. I missed my mother. She would comfort me for days when I slipped and fell. I remember how she would just rub ointment close to my throat and nose so I could feel the soothing fragrance of whatever flower she would find. I particularly loved whenever she used gardenia. She wouldn't say anything, simply being there with me until I found myself again. Sometimes I could tell that she was afraid.

I checked my bag and I took out a small case that had some ointment. I opened it at dipped my middle finger to rub some in my nose and behind my ears. The soothing citrus and the solitude of death invaded my nostrils. I remembered why these were special to me. Always at death's embrace, we've always been fragile at the mercy of nature. It's also why we are all thick skinned and gritty. Well, others grittier than me.

Once I was calm, I stood and continued to walk down the trail. Eventually finding my way back to the flaming torches that illuminated the monastery's gate. Though the flames were alit, the gate was closed. Frustrated with this, I took to the stream close by and used it to swim inside the monastery. It was dark so I hoped that there was no one around. I jumped into the feeling freezing water and quickly got into a slow rhythm of strokes. Half-way through I was exhausted and had no more strength to keep on swimming. I kept myself afloat and simply swayed my hands and legs closer to the greenhouse and fishing pond. At the pond, I tried to scoot myself into the edge of the ground but failed miserably. I drifted across towards the small wooden bridge where Byleth and I usually fished. I hugged one of the columns tightly trying to muster my strength so I could leave the water.

But it was no use. I could call upon whatever I had left in my abdomen to push me up. Nor did I find the way to release my arms from the column I was holding to place as hook over the bridge so guide the rest of my body. I sighed defeatedly and weighed the option of either staying and possibly drowning or being found by someone—which warranted a very embarrassing explanation. Shouting and screaming at dusk would only call upon guards and cause a scene and I'm not in the luxury to cause that. I had to find a way to get up. Byleth would most likely tell me to listen to my body. What does that mean? Distributing my body by parts instead the whole of it? I could try that.

I started breathing deeply and exhaling slowly. Just as my mother taught me to count eight seconds while breathing in and holding it for four seconds then releasing for eight seconds and holding for four and repeat endlessly until I felt ready to do whatever it was that I had to do. I could never get used to the asphyxiating sensation while inhaling for so long and how tight my chest feels. And releasing the air as if I were whistling did the trick to make me feel limber and light again—this last part being a trick of my own to avoid coughing while letting go of all the air. When I had released the air for the fifth time, I used my right hand and placed it between the planks in front of me so it could be my hook. Then I raised my right leg and mustered all my strength to raise it and have it land on the bridge. My boot made it difficult for it to hold itself in the bridge, but I managed to tilt it a bit and hook one of the ridges on the edge—and how uncomfortable this was. I could feel the pain pulsating on the back of the muscle in my right thigh and knee.

I repeated two cycles of my breathing, feeling like a fool and hoping there was nobody around. I grabbed on the edge with my left hand and used all my strength to use my right side to roll onto the bridge. It took me three tries of pushing myself to succeed rolling on the bridge. I was exhausted and gazed at the stars while panting and gasping for some cool air to re-energize my defeated body so I could head to the room. Despite all this trouble, this was peaceful. It reminded me of home. There were so many stars that they looked like tiny white freckles in front of the deep purple night sky. I straddled my self to sit in a squatting position, so it was easier to push myself to stand and walked to the stairs in front of the greenhouse—leading to the rooms.

I walked very slowly feeling cold and heavy because of the water. Some rooms still had their lights on, so I tried to be as invisible as possible. Lifting one foot at a time and placing it gently on the wooden floors to avoid the thuds of walking hastily. I passed by Byleth's room and thankfully no light was coming from his room. I figured he was asleep which was a relief, because I did not want to explain myself to him. Once at the door of my room, I slowly turned the doorknob and glided the door open as stealthily as I could. This was not much use, because it still creaked loudly. My only consolation being that at night, everything seemed louder to the ears. Once it was fully open, well I was terrified.

"You are late. Very late. Where were you?"His voice felt commanding and stern. His stare was not neutral as usual and held some sort of seriousness to it. His eyebrows were slightly creased and his eyes manifested tiny lines of expression. He was squinting. At least I knew he was capable of some emotion…or at least irritability.

"Uhm, I…uh…fell asleep." I whispered, hoping that no other student would eavesdrop on our conversation. "And then I got lost…kind of…it was kind of difficult to get in here you know, especially at this time." I bowed my head, like the kids would when they know they've done something shameful. The lump in my throat was a strong indicator that I am in that position. I wished I could disappear again.

"I expect that you do not make this mistake again. Tomorrow you will meet the other students. There is a uniform in the wardrobe, tailored to suit you. Use that tomorrow. Also, if they ask, which I doubt, you were on a special errand for me." He then took to leave my room without giving me space to say anything. Yet he was not harsh on me either. A warning is all he gave me. What a relief! I closed and locked my door to ensure that I had complete privacy before taking all my clothes off. I needed to dry myself a bit stretch all of this out so it wouldn't catch any foul odors.

I used the table to stretch my garments out and stared at my shadow in the mirror. I sighed and settled naked in bed. The first time sleeping naked in my life. I was nervous. I hoped that nobody ever finds out about this. And if they do, I hope that either the sky scoops me up into the stars and kills me or that the earth opens and takes me to the abyss so I can sleep forever.

Other than that, I'm just happy that I can finally feel like I'm melting here.

A/N:

Thank you for reading! I may not be able to update weekly as I had originally wished. The good news is that the first 15 chapters are already written. I am just revising and editing before uploading them.

I am currently in the process of applying for internships and underground the active research process of my dissertation. My free chunks of time are severely reduced because of it. I am still dedicating roughly 30-40 minutes on writing and 15-20 minutes of editing and revision daily, so the project should proceed smoothly.

In the next chapter the plot will start to build up as other characters begin to be introduced and interact with Gippal. And as usual, feedback is welcome!