Hey there! Happy new year! This is not one of my best stories. No, I'm not fishing for compliments… just saying that… I'm aware it's not the best. Truth is… I was hoping to read many stories about the cliffhanger of episode 21x09. But Christmas is always a busy time, isn't it?
Anyway, thank you to the guest comment that once said I never use punctuation in my dialogues. I've never noticed that until then!
The squad has been in a rush for the past two days, everyone worried sick about the blonde detective, perfectly aware that Bucci would do anything at this point. So many questions unanswered, but the priority was yet to give Amanda the attention she deserved, when they finally managed to locate them.
Amanda was handcuffed and just about to be locked in the car again, when they apprehended Bucci. They arrested him as he was outside the car, while Amanda was safe inside.
"I'm fine!" Amanda certified as soon as they found her. Her tone was confident, probably even convincing for those who didn't know Rollins.
Even though Olivia tried not to show it, the reminiscence of her own assault was obviously playing in her mind as she struggled to take actions. Fin was the one who managed to bust Bucci and was making sure he was handled. That's how Kat ended up being the one actually approaching Amanda first. The blonde was almost grateful that Liv didn't have to uncuff her.
"Here, I got ya!" Kat announced as she opened the car's door and freed Amanda's hands.
The blonde offered a nod, still avoiding any kind of eye contact.
"Are you ok?" Kat finally questioned, a little unsure if she should ask.
"I'm ok!" Amanda repeated with a steady voice and a little too much assurance.
Olivia was taking a few seconds to decide how best she would handle Amanda. She knew all too well that the more her subordinate hid her emotions, the worst she felt. It didn't matter how close she'd become with Amanda over the years, every time the blonde felt vulnerable, she would shield herself from the world.
"I'm taking you to the hospital!" Olivia gently announced, almost sorry for not being able to offer a kind word to her friend, her own captain role taking the precedence.
That's when Amanda froze. "I'm not… I don't need to.."
"It's mandatory!" Olivia instructed kindly.
The blonde didn't know how long she would be able to stay composed now.
"I'm sorry I can't give you a choice on this one!" Olivia reached out her hands to help Amanda out of the car.
Amanda refused the help though, and managed to get out of the car by herself, as stoic as ever, as if the fear was still preventing her from being human.
But she didn't even make two steps before her legs refused to collaborate. Hopefully, both Kat and Olivia were quick to steady her.
"Easy!" Both women hoping Amanda would let them help.
"I want to see my girls!" Amanda finally cried. "Where are my…"
"They're fine, Jesse and Billie are okay. They stayed with me last night, and they're with Carisi right now!" Olivia assured, desperately trying to establish eye contact.
Last night. Amanda's mind was struggling to pretend last night didn't happen and yet there were too many pieces of information her brain was trying to deal with. Right now she felt like a horrible mother on top of it all.
"Amanda look at me!" Olivia finally pleaded.
"You don't want your baby girls to see you like this. You need to make sure you're okay first, right?"
"Like what?!" Amanda provoked. Like a victim. Like a failure. Like a week woman. Like shit.
She wondered to which one of her defeats was Olivia referring right now?
"Don't…" Olivia whispered, her voice cracking, as if she was reading the blonde's mind. "What I mean is.."
"Whatever!" Amanda interrupted. This one too, was a battle she had no chances to win. It was indeed mandatory and she was perfectly aware of that. "Let's get this over with!", she dryly said, trying to free herself from Kat and Liv. Amanda had been playing tough for two days now, she would be able to carry on a few more hours, until they would finally allow her to be alone.
Amanda had made clear she wasn't allowing Olivia to come in with her in the examination room at the ER.
After a while, a male doctor exited the room and Olivia tried to make her way in but was denied access.
"I'm sorry, Miss Rollins explicitely asked to be left alone."
"How is she?"
"Stubborn!" the doctor stated, almost offended. Even though it was far from professional, it made Olivia smile a little. Amanda had never been easy to handle, and probably never would be. The brunette decided to ignore the doctor's comment and knocked at the door.
"It's Olivia, can I come in?"
"Olivia Benson is above any law!" Amanda muttered.
"It that's not what you want, I'll stay outside honey…"
Amanda was lying on the examination table, staring at the ceiling, indifferent.
"What did the doctor say?"
"I don't know."
"What do you mean, you don't know?" Olivia finally allowed herself in, obviously worried about Amanda's way of dealing with things. At first, she thought it was just a tactic in order not to answer any more questions.
"I don't know Liv. I can't seem to focus. I only want to go home now."
The same doctor as before came back with backup.
"Michael Norris.."
"A shrink?! You brought me a shrink?!" Amanda interrupted right away. "Oh god, can this day become any worse?" Amanda finally sighed, looking at Olivia for any kind of help at this point.
Olivia, puzzled herself, was waiting for more context of the situation.
"Miss Rollins refused any kind of medication, barely let me examine her, and asked for the discharging papers! At this point, I cannot…"
"Will you give us a minute?" Olivia asked with what sounded more like an affirmation.
"I don't know how long I can take this Olivia. Don't I deserve some kind of peace?"
"Why didn't you let the doctor examine you?"
I don't want no pills! I'm exhausted. I just want to see my girls. Don't you get that?!"
Olivia reminded all too well how excruciating it felt like to actually be free and not being taken seriously. Amanda's control has been taken away from her, for two whole days. And now, she was being treated like she had no say in the course of events.
Olivia grabbed her friends hand. "Let me just start by saying I'm sorry I've not been handling this whole thing better. I've been…. I was… I'm… I was so worried, I'm glad you're okay. Olivia heard this so many times after Lewis, but it never helped. All she wanted was… her freedom, space, and time, none of which she was giving to Rollins.
"Let's just do what works for you!" Olivia assured.
"I'm okay Liv.. this wasn't as bad as.." Suddenly, Amanda realized how the recent event must have impacted on Olivia's set of mind.
"I'm doing a lousy job at supporting you." Olivia admitted.
"I'm not hurt. I don't need to be here!" Amanda assured.
"Can you let the doctors check that, so that the department is covered? I promise once you let him assert that you've been examined, I will take you home myself, even if it is against medical advice." Of course, Olivia hated to ask this, but she was a captain and there was no way around it.
"All right..", Amanda agreed, appreciating both Olivia's honesty and consideration.
"As for your daughters, well, Carisi can take them to you if you want after that. They're asleep and they're safe and they believe you are working."
"Maybe…. It's best if I see them tomorrow?!" Amanda reasoned. "Thank you for not asking a million question. I feel numb. And I just want to get some rest before…"
Before all those feeling of yours come back to the surface and prevent you to enjoy a needed truce. Olivia wanted to answer. "I get that!", she smiled instead.