-"Hey Liv ! I just wanted to check in ? How's Amanda ?", Fin asked over the phone.
-"I don't know Fin, she's sleeping. We're at my place. Give me a sec, I'll go check on her."
Amanda had finally decided it would be harder to get back to her place knowing her girls wouldn't be there. It was almost a little past 1AM when they made it home and she was barely able to take a shower before heading straight to bed. It was like her body shut down the second she knew it was finally ok for her to do so. Nine hours later, Amanda had still not moved from her curled up position. She looked both vulnerable and peaceful inside Olivia's king size bed.
-"I don't want to wake her. The doctor said she's suffering from exhaustion and dehydration."
He wanted to keep her overnight but Olivia promised she'd take her friend home, and so did she.
-"Let her sleep! Bucci's still intoxicated, we tried but he was in no state of mind to be interviewed. I let you know when I have more."
-"I want to be there for the interview. I.."
-"No Liv, take care of Amanda, there's no one else she'll trust right now. Her therapist is still in shock herself."
About that, Olivia had so many questions on her mind. She didn't even know Amanda was seeing a therapist. Was Amanda going through a hard time without her even noticing? Olivia did feel like she was failing her friend on so many levels. It was true, they had become closer, but somehow, the detective always appeared closed down around her. Well, around anyone, to be honest.
-"I'm not sure Fin."
-"Well, if you can't trust your instincts, trust mine instead! I'll keep you posted." With that, he hung up.
When Amanda woke up, she took a while before exiting Olivia's room. Until now, she avoided talking about what happened and it felt right. She was fine, or so she kept telling herself. No harm was made. She just wished she could leave things at that because every time someone pushed her to welcome her feelings, she'd feel a thousand time worse. This time though, she wouldn't give in. Nobody should have the power to make her feel like crap when she didn't.
-"Hey, you're awake!" Olivia welcomed casually.
Amanda took a breath, resolved to set things straight.
-"Can we… not do that?"
-"I'm not understanding, not do what?"
-"Not make that big of a deal of what happened."
-"I'm just saying good morning." It was clear to Olivia that Amanda had chosen to deal with the recent trauma like she usually does: pretending nothing happened. The immense worry it caused for the captain made it really hard to keep smiling, but Olivia knew whatever she'd say now, would be to no use. Everything, starting from Amanda's rigid body language, made it clear she was not going to let herself fall apart.
-"Yeah but I already know where this is going. You'll try to feed me breakfast, even though I'm not hungry and then you won't stop until I talk things through. Amanda was done with talking. As a matter of fact, the first thing she'd do would be cancelling her next appoint with her therapist. It was pretty obvious that the woman couldn't handle Amanda. She almost couldn't handle herself when Bucci interrupted their session. Amanda would never trust her, or anyone again for that matter.
-"I see you've got all things figured out already!"
At this point, all Amanda had to offer was a solid stare.
-"Coffee?" Olivia attempted, deciding to ignore Amanda's attitude. If this was how Noah would behave during his teenagers years, than she'd better find a better stratagem to communicate, she thought to herself.
"Hmm.. yeah, I'd love some coffee." Amanda answered, a little uncomfortable. Olivia was perfect, as always and she almost regretted picking up on her.
A few hours late, Amanda was home, reunited with her girls. Jesse was brought to her right after preschool and she cancelled Billie's babysitter so she could spend some quality time with both of her daughters.
"Mama, I'm not hungry anymore!" Jesse lamented
"Sorry, what?!" Amanda found it really hard to stay focused. Even though she was glad to be back home, something didn't feel right, and she couldn't figure out what.
"Mama!" Jesse insisted.
"Yes baby?"
"I'm not hungry!" the little blonde repeated, adding a pouting face to reinforce her misery.
"But you gotta eat to be strong!" Amanda said in a goofy voice. She couldn't count how many times she'd divert the focus in order to avoid conflict. It usually worked great, but not this time.
"Why aren't you eating then?" Jesse asked in a provocative tone.
Al loss for words, she sighed. That's when Billie decided she'd threw a tantrum, just to make sure she wasn't forgotten.
"What about you? Why are you upset?! Hmm?!" Amanda asked as she picked up the crying girl from her baby chair.
"I don't like this food!" Jesse was as stubborn as her mother, that was for sure.
"Come on, baby, it's gonna be late, let's get you in the shower, if you're not hungry anymore!" Amanda gave in.
"I don't want to shower!" Jesse grumbled one more time.
"Not even if we play with the special bubbles?" Again, Amanda tried to brighten the mood, but nothing seemed to be working. She wasn't good enough… not even to raise her daughters. The tired mother shook her head, determined not to go down this road. But out of nowhere, a lump on her throat made it hard to take a breath. You can't even feed your kids, that's how useless you are. Amanda hadn't been able to eat anything since she had been rescued last night and she was feeling a little light headed. Once again, she tried to push through the anguish preventing her from appreciating the present moment. It hurt. She didn't know what exactly hurt, but she couldn't shake it off. It was everywhere under her skin, through her veins, it just hurt so much.
When a mousy sob escaped her lips, she was quick to place a hand over her mouth, to prevent any other sound to escape.
"Mommy, did you get an owie?!" Jesse asked in concern.
"Yes, mummy just hit her hand over the table. That's ok though!" She lied.
Jesse took her mum's hand and blew a kiss upon it. "Here, all better!" the little girl responded with all the innocence in the world. And just like that, she was in a good mood again. Amanda offered a smile, even though her whole being was threatening to shatter any minute now. This wasn't ok, and has it been for herself alone, she'd have just done whatever stupid thing crossed her mind to make the pain go away. But there were Jesse and Billie, and they didn't deserve to see her falling apart. She needed help, and she needed it right now.
"I need you to come over ASAP", she texted Olivia. "Please."
Olivia's eyes grew wilder as she noticed Amanda's message and of course she called her back right away.
"Amanda, what's going on?"
"I.. would you.." There wasn't much she could say with her daughters around. Jesse picked up on absolutely anything.
"Amanda, what's going on? Where are Jesse and Billie?
"Hmm… I'm just about to put them to bed… Wanna say hi to untie Olivia?"
"Hi Livia"
"Hi beautiful… have a good night sleep!"
"you too Livia"
"Give me twenty!" Olivia finally texted back, doing her best to hurry.
The captain was careful not to ring the bell. But soon she guessed that the girls weren't asleep. As a matter of fact, it sounded like a children's birthday was happening inside Amanda's apartment, judging by the piercing screaming she could hear.
Both women exchanged "the look"… the one who meant: I know the feeling sister, I've been where you are!
Olivia offered a compassionate smile, hoping it'd express her support.
"Hey Livia" Jesse welcomed with vitality to the brunette's amusement.
Even though Amanda was trying to smile back, her eyes were telling a different story. As if she was at war with herself and had already lost the battle. As if there was nothing more she had to give. As if she'd seen too much. Her instincts were fighting not to let that show and she was functioning in autopilot. The sassy warrior, strong willed woman, spunky mother was nowhere to be seen.
Olivia hesitated for a few seconds, not sure on whether she should handle the daughters or Amanda first.
"I've been wanting to read a special story, about tigers and leopards"
"Mama, she knows the story!" Jesse lightened up, jumping around the room.
"She sure does!" Amanda exclaimed merrily. Inside her body though, it felt like a fist had been thrown to her guts.
"But Noah is too big now, and I don't know who I could read it to?" Olivia's sad voice almost earned a real smile from Amanda.
"Me, me, I want the story about the tiger!" Jesse shouted eagerly.
"All right then… so how about… you give mama a kiss, brush your teeth, and when you're all ready to bed, I'll read it to you?"
"Yes, mama can she? Can she read it to me?"
"Of course she can! Sweet dreams baby girl!"
"I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this" in a crouched position behind her bedroom door, Amanda was slowly but surely loosing contact with the outside world.
Olivia lowered herself in order to grab Amanda's hands. Without speaking too loud, she needed to know if the exhausted woman would be able to resist a few more minutes.
"Amanda hey… I need you to be honest right now… Do you think you can manage for a little while? Until Jesse is asleep?
"I…" Amanda wanted to nod. She wanted to say she was fine. She wanted to say she was able to wait, but the truce was broken and she was too far gone.