A Lot of Rain

"It's just a lot of rain in one place." - Olivia Benson

Note: Sorry for my long absence from writing. I really don't have much an excuse except for the fact that I just couldn't bring myself to write for years. And then my brother passed away of cancer and, well, that extended my writing hiatus. So my apologies. It may take some time to get back into the swing of things but I am trying. This story is very rough but it's something I felt like I had to do. (It may just be a one-shot or it may continue, I don't know yet.)

I have written this story in loving memory of my brother and the character of Ed Tucker. And this story is also dedicated to the many people over the world struggling with depression, with cancer – especially 9/11 first responders. If you, or someone else you know, needs help, please reach out. You are not alone. You are not forgotten. And you can get through this.

Disclaimer: DW owns everything SVU, including the quotes.

She can't believe he's gone. It was so quick. So quick. One moment they were standing there on the pier, in their favorite spot. Next moment he was gone. Staring out into the cold New York night, she watched without seeing people scrambling to get in out of the cold, their breath frosting across the night sky.

"What I wish," Olivia choked out, the ache in her heart larger than the expanse of water they were both looking out upon, "is that we had more time." There was so much she wanted to say, so much she wished she could say. But it was just so hard finding the right words when Tucker was standing there, blue eyes gazing at her with so much affection and so much pain.

Life was so fucking unfair. Unfair to both of them.

But Tucker didn't blame her. Never had.

"You had a full dance card." He smiled wryly at her. "I don't blame you at all, Liv. I never have."

But Olivia blamed herself. Had never stopped blaming herself.

"We'll always have Paris," he told her softly, in that rough voice of his. The voice that used to sooth her to sleep at night, when they were blissfully tired from nights of love-making. Her mind leaped back to those days when he would hold her in his arms and she was safe from all the darkness, all the pain, that came along with her job. He had known even then his time was short. But he had wanted to spare her all of that. He had wanted to live his life fully as long as he had time left.

And her heart broke once again.

"I always wanted to say that." He chuckled, trying to make her feel better. Because that's the way he was. He had never stopped wanting to protect her – which, to be honest, made her fucking mad sometimes because she wasn't fragile. She had been bent and twisted until she hadn't recognized herself but she had not broken. She would NEVER break. Never wanted to.

Not until now.

Ed saw the look on her face, the slow recognition that this was their goodbye. The one he had never wanted to say to her because he had wanted to spare her. He should have realized that he wouldn't have been able to let go without seeing her face one more time. Oh, Ed loved Patty – she had brought his life so much joy in the past few months, she and the boys….and he had tried to make her life happy, even while holding back the painful truth that he had just not been able to bring himself to tell her.

The only reason Olivia had found out was because she had tracked him down. Would he have been able to hold the truth from her until the end? In his heart, he realized that the answer was probably no.

He pulled her into his arms one last time. She didn't resist, couldn't resist, and buried her face in his shoulder, hot tears spilling from her eyes. Ed savored it, the smell of her hair, the warmth of her, while he could. While he could still remember her. Because he could feel a little piece of himself fading each day, while the cancer spread into his brain. Soon he wouldn't be able to remember his own name. And, to him, that was unbearable.

Life had been so fucking cruel to both to them.

He finally managed to pull back and looked fondly at her. Olivia could barely look him in the face, her eyes red and swollen with tears shed and tears held back.

Goodbye, Olivia Benson. Anam Cara.

And Olivia pulled herself abruptly from the past and into the present. It was so quiet now. Most of the squad had gone home, with a skeleton crew manning the precinct. Olivia had chosen to stay and finish up some paperwork while Noah spent the night at a friend's. She couldn't bring herself to go back to her apartment.

Not tonight. She couldn't face the reminders of what had been, what would never be, and the ghosts of all her losses. Because they were there, waiting for her in the shadows, with shining teeth and razor sharp claws.

"Captain," a soft voice broke into her thoughts. Oh god, what this time?

"Fin, I thought I told you to go home." She said wearily.

"Is that any way to greet an old friend?" A very familiar and gentle voice broke into the dark thoughts threatening to overwhelm her.

No, it couldn't be. It's not possible.

"Rafael?" Quickly dashing her hand across her face, she turned to face her doorway incredulously.

"Olivia." Barba stepped into her office, his eyes soft and kind, his beard flecked with spots of grey, wearing that camel coat that he loved to wear so very long ago.

"Didn't we just Skype a couple of days ago?" She shook her head, in disbelief that he was here. "What are you doing here?"

Oh, Rafael, I have missed you.

"I wanted to come home." He said quietly. "I needed to come home."

For you, were the words left unspoken. But Olivia could hear them.

"Have you seen Carisi?" She asked quickly, before the silence could grow heavy with the subject that she really didn't want to talk about. Because if she spoke it out loud, it would make it real. And she'd shatter.

She wasn't ready. Not yet.

"I stopped by his apartment." Barba smiled, slipping into the chair across from hers. "He looks good." His eyes softened, thinking about the newly minted ADA with affection. "And the cannoli is still top notch."

"He's picked up some of your habits." Olivia noted teasingly.

"Is that so?" Barba fidgeted with his tie.

"You'd be proud of him, Rafael." Olivia said quietly, "He's almost as big a pain in the ass as you were."

"I taught him well." A small twinkle appeared in his eye.

"A little too well, I think." Olivia shot back."And what's with the beard? Not that I don't like it but..."

"I needed a change." He shrugged. "And it gets fucking cold in Iowa! I'm telling you, Liv, you don't have a clue! Fucking FREEZING."

"It looks good on you." She said. "Maybe more people will take you seriously now." She teased.

He rolled his eyes. The more things change, the more things stay the same. They'll always be like this. Bickering until they're eighty years old.

"Liv," Rafael got serious, "as much as I would love to sit and talk about Carisi and my handsome beard all night long, that's not what I'm here for."

"I know," she said, "you wanted to see Noah. You told me."

"Liv." He knew what she was doing. What she always had a tendency to do. Deflect. Deflect. Deflect. Before it got too heavy. Because God knows Olivia Benson doesn't like doing heavy when it comes to her personal life.

"I can't, Barba." Her voice was heavy with pain.

"Talk to me, old friend." He walked over to her and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I am so sorry for your loss, Liv." More sorry than I can say.

"I'm doing okay," she smiled bravely up at him. "It's a lot of rain in one place but I'm still standing."

Barba crouched by her side. "Okay, how long have we known each other?"

"A long time," she said, turning away from him. She couldn't – wouldn't - meet his eyes.

"Then you know I know you well." And you can't hide from me. As much as you would like to. No bullshit, Olivia.

"I just can't talk about it." The words came out in a whisper. Please don't make me. Not yet.

"It's okay if you're not okay, Liv." He squeezed her shoulder. "No one is judging you for that."

"I need to be okay, Rafael." She looked into his eyes. "I have this squad, I have Noah. I have to be strong."

"You will be," he said quietly, "Liv, you're one of the strongest people I know. But what you've been through with Rachel and then Tucker…. It's a lot for anyone. No one would be okay after all this. Have you spoken to Lindstrom?"

"I don't know," she said dully, "we're not on speaking terms at the moment." And, truth be told, she really couldn't blame him. She had acted unforgiveably. Just one more casualty of war in the life of Olivia Benson.

"Then talk to me. Por favor." His voice was so gentle. Let me take away some of the pain. We're friends, you and I. The best of friends.

"It was just so quick." The words started coming out, slowly but surely. "We went from not seeing one another in three years to…. He's gone, Rafael. He's just gone and there was nothing I could do and I still loved him." And that was the hardest part of all. Knowing that, despite the time and the distance, the love had still been there. On both sides. She had seen it in his eyes and on his face. That day at the pier.

The silence that fell after those words was thick and heavy, pierced only by the occasional sounds of the New York City night life. She could only stare down at her hands, choked by the pain, and hoping beyond hope that her old friend would understand without the exhaustion of lengthy explanations.

"Come here, Olivia." Barba said quietly, extending an arm.

And she found herself leaning into his chest, taking comfort from his strength.

"Of course you loved him." Barba said. "He was important to you. Both of you moving on with your lives doesn't change that." He touched her face gently, wiping a single tear off her face."But people make their own choices. And you can't save the whole world, Liv." Even though I know how you hate to lose.

"It won't stop me from trying." She said fiercely.

"God help us all if it did." That was one of the things he loved most about her. Losing wasn't a word in her vocabulary. Even though the odds were insurmountable, she would always, always fight. That was his friend.

"Rollins often tells me I'm always trying to take care of everyone." She smiled a little.

She's not wrong.

"But I can't ask you for help," she added quietly, "you have a life of your own. You can't come running to help me every time something goes wrong." It's okay. You can leave. I'll be okay. I always have been. "I can't do that to anyone."

There she goes again, trying to push people away. Oh, Olivia….

"Let's be clear, Liv." Barba said firmly, "You didn't ask. I came. My friend was in pain and I couldn't just sit by and watch." I could never stand to see you hurt, Olivia Benson.

She bit her lip. "And don't you dare start feeling guilty." He added. "Needing help doesn't make you weak."

He was right and she knew it.

"Oh, Barba," she sighed quietly, "I've missed you." More than I can ever say.

"I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere." He pulled her back into his arms. "It's going to be hard as hell. I'm not going to lie to you." God knows you'd hate me if I tried. He looked her straight in the face, "Tucker and I didn't always get along. But I got past that because he made my friend happy."

And you can get through this.

"You are not alone, Liv."

And you never will be again.