"Hey Fin!" Olivia called. "I'm at Amanda's. How long would it take for you to come by?"

Even though she was unable to form a coherent sentence, Amanda didn't miss to protest.

Olivia didn't give her a choice though. The young detective had been under an extremely stressful situation and she deserved to be taken care of without minimalizing her needs for the sake of her children.

"Thirty minutes, less if I use the siren."

"Please do!" Olivia asked. "Would you talk with Amanda for a minute while I read to Jesse?"

"Sure Liv!"

"I'm ok!" Amanda insisted, this time with a steady voice. Amanda didn't really decide to bottle everything back inside. It just happened. She'd been doing this during two days. Well, during a lifetime to be honest.

"Liviaaa!" Jesse shouted from the leaving room.

"Go!" Amanda pleaded. A torment of mixed emotions were ravaging her blue eyes but Olivia could read that the only certainty there, was that she didn't want her kids to worry.

It was Olivia's turn to plead now, as she put her phone in Amanda's hands, and held them a little longer than necessary. "Ok. But here, please!"

Avoiding the confrontation, Amanda shortly nodded.

"I'll be right back" Olivia whispered leaving the room, more for her own benefit at this point.

As soon as she left the room though, Amanda quickly explained to Fin that there was no need for him to come and that she was feeling better. Not giving him much of an opportunity to answer, she hung up.

"Both the girls are sound asleep!"

"Thank you Liv. I…" Amanda wasn't sure how to end that sentence. She was feeling much composed than before and yet she was still in the same exact position than earlier "Thanks!"

"Why don't you lie down for a while?!" Olivia suggested

"Cuz I don't need no fucking nap!" The words left her mouth before she even got the chance to swallow them "Sorry.. I'm.." Amanda shrugged. Truth was, she didn't even recognize herself right now.

Olivia offered a comprehensive smile. "What do YOU need then?"

" I don't know!" Amanda whispered, grabbing her head with both her hands.

"Fin's here!" Olivia announced checking her phone.

Amanda should have known he'd come anyway.

"Why don't you and I just… go to my place?! Noah is at a friend's." It was obvious that Amanda wouldn't allow herself to be helped when she had her girls to think about.

The blonde wanted to nod right away, not that she was looking forward for an open-hearted conversation, but she desperately needed some space to process what just happened. The captain smartly used the too long silence at her own advantage. "Come on.. get yourself dressed while I let Fin know he's going to be your babysitter!"

"You guys don't need to.."

Olivia simply reduced the distance and enveloped Amanda into a hug.

Amanda, notwithstanding the astonishment, didn't pull away, feeling that the brunette was the one actually needing the closeness right now. Olivia couldn't say that she had been scared out of her mind, but she just needed a second to express how grateful she felt that her friend and subordinate was indeed safe. With that simple gesture worth a thousand words, Amanda didn't protest anymore. She thanked Fin as well for helping out, and promised to reciprocate whenever he'd need her. It all felt weird, as if, she wasn't really herself and at the same time she didn't know how else to behave. Has she become a stranger to herself now?

"Can you drive for a little longer?" It was almost cynical that after two days mostly trapped in a car she'd still found the ride soothing.

"Anywhere in particular?" Olivia asked, keeping the focus on the road.

"I'm a terrible mother."

This surely wasn't the starter Olivia had imagined. Trying her best not to sound shocked at the heavy choice of words, Olivia turned her head just for a second, for a confirmation that Amanda was okay. "Honey, it's perfectly understandable that after what you went through, you'd feel a little overwhelmed. You did good though, you called for help right away, you're…"

"No liv, you don't get it!" Amanda curled up in a ball on her seat. Everything about her body language tonight indicated that she needed to feel protected. And yet, her fierce anger didn't seem to agree.

"Then tell me!" Olivia pleaded. Obviously the captain would have preferred a conversation where she could actually meet Amanda's eyes, but sometimes, less is more, or so she learnt.

"Jesse and Billie deserve so much more than what I could ever give them. I'm a screw up Liv!

Amanda was hoping that the good old trick where she pretended to look by the window while she dried her tears would work. She was sincerely wishing that for a minute, she wasn't in a car with Olivia Benson, and that she could keep talking like it was not that big of a deal. It was easier that way. She could allow herself to share if the listener didn't care so much about her. The same way she couldn't handle nice in her romance, she couldn't handle compassion in her friendship. It tasted like self-pity.

Olivia on the other hand, was finding it harder and harder not to sound very concerned for her friend. "Amanda hey.. Your girls don't need you to be perfect. They do need you to be fine though!" She somehow felt that Amanda had so much weight on her chest that it would be best to keep it simple, at least for the time being.

" I know that! That's why.. I started seeing.. doctor Hanover."

"Were you having a little bit of a hard time, honey?" Olivia held her breath for a second, wondering if the question felt too intrusive.

"Hmm no, not really… I mean, not more than I ever did, but I wanted to be better for my girls ya know?" It was getting harder and harder to let the mess of her emotions transform into words she wasn't even sure somebody could really understand. "And now.. I know that I can't… I can't do it.." The admission felt like a defeat: Amanda Rollins would not get better at life, didn't matter how hard she'd try.

There, now Olivia could do her best to prove her wrong. But at least she said it. And it hurt as much as it helped to say the words out loud. At least, she was able to take one full breath deprived from guilt.

Olivia, aching for her friend, parked the car as soon as she was able to. She had been willing not to get too invested at first, but now she absolutely needed to let Amanda know that whatever the reason of the breakdown, she had absolutely no intention to let her deal with it alone. Amanda pushed her hand away though, when the brunette offered it. Any kind of sympathy was not welcome anymore. She didn't deserve it.

"Honey, let me in!" Olivia implored.

"I can't!" Those dangerous words were running in circle inside her head.

"What happened out there?" Olivia simply asked, a little louder than what she intended to, and it was the exact tone Amanda needed to answer before chewing her words. Even though she was on the defensive, Amanda somehow let Olivia in.

"You said…I had no reason to hate my mother! It hurt when you said that Liv! It hurt so much. But you were right though. I'm just as fucked up as she is."