Hi there! It took me a while to write a new chapter. I was pretty busy but also, I must admit it is kind of hard for me to write when I feel like there isn't much interest about the story. I know I should be writing for me, but the thing is… I am aware I'm not good with actions or descriptions… so.. I don't know…. I'm in a time of self-doubt I guess… anyway… enjoy!
If one could measure how many thoughts were running through Olivia's head, they'd probably turn insane. "Amanda.." Truth was, she was at loss for words.
The blonde woman was now staring at her in complete disarray and Olivia knew she had to say something, anything in order to prevent the situation to get even worse.
"m'sorry.." Olivia whispered. A few months ago, when they were waiting to testify about a woman who killed her abusive husband, Olivia had indeed said that Amanda had no reason to hate her mother. Obviously, the way Amanda used the reference tonight was confusing but truth was, the captain realized she may have deeply hurt Amanda's feelings.
"I shouldn't have said that." Olivia's voice broke a little and despite her best efforts, she couldn't manage to withhold her tears.
Amanda and Olivia had been friends for a while now but somehow, Amanda still struggled to really trust her, and the Captain was now devastated that after the intense conversation they had that day in court, she didn't follow up, to make sure no harm was done. Was it funny enough that it was that same exact day that Amanda met Bucci for the first time? Olivia really struggled to stay focused on the here and now, wondering how she could have been a better friend, a better mentor, a better person. At the present time, she had the opportunity to make sure she'd support Amanda though, and here she was, battling herself.
Amanda didn't miss to notice Olivia's nervousness. "I'm the one who's sorry, I talk too much!"
Olivia was about to interrupt but Amanda didn't let her.
"I'm just gonna walk home.. I need the fresh air".
Before she could answer, Olivia grabbed her friend's arm. "Don't go, please, I.." Olivia wished she was faster at swallowing her own tears. "It just hurts to know that I've let you down. I'm fine though and right now, this should be about you. Please don't go. I just need a minute!"
"So do I Liv!" Amanda answered without hiding how tired and in need of space she was. Olivia kept her hand on a protective way over her arm for a few more seconds but realizing how uncomfortable the drained detective was, she withdrew it.
"Let me drive you. I don't feel comfortable living you here in the middle of the night."
"I don't want to be home yet, I'll be fine."
Both women exchanged a look as if they exchanged the weight of life. It was too much for Amanda to bear. "Bye Liv!"
Since it was dark, it took a minute for Amanda to orient herself. Not that she was very interested into knowing where she was, since she had no plan on where to go. Life can be a bitch to those who don't know the way. She was a walking disaster, but at least, in the night, no one could see that. She could cry without bothering anyone. Soon enough though, the anger trapped inside her body was consuming her. Angry at what? At Bucci? A little. She felt for him, but she'd been scared and hasn't said it loud yet. At her mother? Probably. How come she'd never made her feel safe? But mostly, Amanda was angry at herself. What kind of person hates her own mother?! Without realizing it, Amanda skipped from walking to running, from running to sprinting, and finally, from sprinting to collapsing. When her hands hit the cold pavement it was hard to tell if she screamed in agony or distress. Amanda couldn't stop the loud sobbing or the cascade of tears but most importantly, she couldn't fill her lungs with so much needed air. Not that she cared.
"Hey!" She finally heard a familiar voice.
"Amanda are you ok?" Olivia shouted in panic. The silhouette approached at a quick pace. "Are you injured?"
Amanda didn't move an inch though, still crying her heart out.
"Honey!" Olivia exclaimed with concern trying to help Amanda up, before realizing Amanda wouldn't be moving anytime soon. "Ok! Here!" Olivia sat behind Amanda and strongly pulled Amanda against her. "Here you go baby!" She soothed, hoping to provide some security. But the lament became even louder and the crying woman began to shake violently, battling her nerves.
"Shh.. take a deep breath for me!" Olivia instructed.
Noticing how shaky she was made Amanda feel even more panicked.
"Nice and easy, you've got this. You just take a deep breath, right?"
Amanda's trembling and dirty hands made her way to hide her face but Olivia grabbed them midway and held them tightly. "You are ok sweetie, you just take a minute"
"You followed me". Amanda mumbled as Olivia helped her settle down in the backseat of the car. Amanda's breathing was finally back to normal, but she felt really dizzy and cold, and didn't think she could stand in a sitting position right now.
"Well, do you really think I would have left you out alone in the middle of the night, knowing perfectly well that you're not fine?" Olivia took off her coat and wrapped it around Amanda, like a cover.
"I'm sorry for what I said Liv!" Amanda struggled to keep her eyes open even though her whole body was still trembling like crazy.
"Amanda, I don't think you said anything wrong. And I want to keep talking about that, I do, but right now, I need to make sure that my best friend is well taken care of. Again, are you sure you don't want me to take you to the hospital?" Olivia had to ask even though she already knew the answer.
"Did you mean that?" Amanda asked in astonishment.
"As a matter of fact, I do think you need to be examined by a doctor, thank you for asking!"
With a wave of her hand, Amanda shook Liv's last comment. "Not.. not the doctor part.. the.." She blushed, realizing she couldn't finish her sentence.
"Yes Amanda, I consider you to be my best friend. And I wish I didn't hurt your feelings. But right now, I'm gonna take you home and feed you the breakfast you refused to eat this morning!"
It felt warm to hear that she was Olivia's Benson best friend. She couldn't really believe that obviously, but still, the words felt comforting. "It must be midnight!" Amanda commented, gripping Olivia's jacket a little tighter against her face.
"Well, have you eaten anything since?"
"I couldn't Liv" Amanda admitted in a low voice.
"That's ok honey, I've got you now."
The ride to Olivia's place didn't take more than five minutes, but Amanda had fallen asleep in the back. The brunette didn't have the heart to wake the exhausted woman just yet, so she decided to simply let her friend sleep a few more minutes.