Chapter Three: The Parting Glass
Notes: I don't know much about funerals for police officers so any mistakes in this chapter are mine. This was a tremendously difficult chapter to write for many reasons – but I did out of love and respect for the character of Ed Tucker, for those people who put their lives on the line every day, and in memory of my own brother. (And I actually don't know Tucker's badge number so I made it up.
Disclaimer: DW owns everything. Even Tucker. Dammit.
Of all the comrades that e'er I had
They are sorry for my going away
And all the sweethearts that e'er I had
They would wish me one more day to stay
But since it falls unto my lot
That I should rise and you should not
I'll gently rise and I'll softly call
Good night and joy be with you all
-the Parting Glass
The day Ed Tucker was buried was an oddly mild day for New York. The skies were a brilliant shade of blue, with no hint of clouds to block the bright sunshine. It felt almost like spring, which was very weird for mid-January. But, then again, this whole situation was weird. He was gone. And not coming back.
Olivia would almost have preferred it be raining. Why wasn't the whole world crying with her? It felt almost wrong for the day to be so lovely. He should still be here. It is not fucking fair.
As she adjusted her uniform, she blinked hot tears away. There would be no crying this day. Not in front of Ed's colleagues, his family, and his friends. She would honor him the way he would want, not with tears, but with fond remembrance of their time together.
What I wish is that we had more time.
Her upper lip trembled.
We'll always have Paris. I always wanted to say that.
A gentle rap on her door interrupted the melancholy stream of memories flowing like an endless river through her mind. Grateful for the interruption, she moved to open the door.
"Rafael," she smiled, a little tremulously, "I didn't expect you to come here before the funeral." But I'm so glad you did.
"My friend needs me." He said quietly. "I said that you weren't going to be alone and I meant it."
"Thank you," she whispered, "I gotta say….I just didn't expect it to hurt this much."
"You wouldn't be human if you weren't hurting as much as you are." He put his hand on hers, rubbing his thumb across her hand.
She nodded, a little distantly, already putting herself into a position where she wouldn't feel the pain. Olivia Benson was no stranger to distancing – it had saved her life on numerous occasions, most notably with Lewis. The only way to get through the pain was to simply endure it, to put herself in a place where the hurt couldn't touch. She had had a lot of practice.
"Can I help you with anything?" Rafael asked, hand on her shoulder.
"You help just being here." She abruptly pulled herself together. There was no time for weakness. Not today.
"Noah isn't coming?" Barba inquired, eyebrow raised. Not in approval or disapproval, just in curiosity.
"He…had a lot of questions." Olivia responded. "And, truth be told," she sighed, "I'm not ready to handle them today. I'm also not ready to expose him to all of this... He's been through enough. Am I a bad mother for not taking him to the funeral? He was really fond of Ed and Ed….," she choked slightly, "Ed…was fond of him too."
He had been more than fond of him. At one point... she truly thought Noah was going to have a stepfather. Her sweet boy had really taken to Ed.
Her heart broke a little bit more.
"No, Liv." Barba reassured her. "Funerals are hard. Explanations are harder and can come in their own time. Noah will understand." He looked hard into her face, "You are a good mother, Olivia Benson. You're one of the best I know. There is nothing wrong in wanting to protect your son. Entiendes?"
"What would I do without you, Rafael?" She smiled through a brief haze of tears.
"Drink all my scotch?" He smiled wryly. "The good stuff?"
Liv gave him a smack.
"Ow. Rude."
"You deserved it."
He squeezed her hand. "You ready to do this?"
Olivia took a deep breath and reached for her cover. "As ready as I'm going to be."
….
I know that it's vain when our friends depart
To breathe kind words to a broken heart;
And I know that the joy of life is marred
When we follow lost friends to the old churchyard
-the Old Churchyard, Wailin' Jennys
"We are gathered here today to pay our respects to Edward Patrick Tucker."
Olivia kept her face emotionless as she stood next to the hand-hewn wooden casket. The casket itself was very simple, the only decoration a small Celtic cross carved on the side facing out. She had seen it very quickly as she and the other members of the honor guard had draped the casket with the American flag. The coffin was so like him. Straight forward, no frills, just serviceable enough for the job that it was meant to do. Nothing fancy. Nothing elaborate. He didn't need it where he was going.
"In your hands, O Lord,
we humbly entrust our brother, Edward.
In this life you embraced him with your tender love;
deliver him now from every evil
and bid them eternal rest.
The old order has passed away:
welcome him into paradise,
where there will be no sorrow, no weeping or pain,
but fullness of peace and joy
with your Son and the Holy Spirit
forever and ever.
We ask Your comfort and consolation for the family and friends left behind."
Olivia tried to ignore the sight of Ed's family in the front row. His devastated sons and wife, who looked absolutely destroyed. That could have been me, she couldn't help but think. Couldn't help but remember...what I wish we could have had was a life together. I am so sorry I couldn't give that to you.
I am so, so sorry.
"Edward was a brave man, an honorable man, who gave his life to the service of his city and his country." Olivia's mind flickered back to the day when they had escorted Dodds' Jr body to the graveyard. Ed hadn't hesitated one moment to step up and be part of Mike's honor guard. He had considered it a privilege, he had told her, to honor a fellow officer. "All of his fellow officers can attest to the fact that Ed was a firm believer in the truth. And that he worked his entire life in dedication to the truth, even when it meant making enemies and losing friends. Ed Tucker and integrity walked hand in hand together. For his entire life."
I see no evidence to dispute your version of the story, Sergeant Benson.
"Whether you were friend or no, Eddie always gave it to you straight up. No beating around the bush. 'Twas one of the things that I admired about him the most. His sense of direct honesty. He wasn't afraid to tell you what was on his mind."
Are we going to talk about Amaro all night or are you going to let me buy you a drink?
"I was Eddie's partner for ten years. (So in cop years, basically an eternity.) In all the time I worked with him at Internal Affairs, not once did Eddie show anything but total dedication to the job. As you all know, it can be difficult being part of IAB. No one likes us. Not one bit. And Eddie knew that more than most of us. (As we all know, the poor guy usually was on the receiving end of it.) The congregation chuckled a little at this hard truth.
"But he still lived for the job. He hated corruption and dishonesty but he loved us and he loved this city. If there was anyone I ever wanted to have my back, it was Eddie."
You're just looking out for me. Always.
"As my brother, Eddie drove me nuts. He was always the good one. Never in trouble. I always gave him such crap….er, such a hard time for being a kiss-up. I'm sorry, I know I'm in church… But he was always there to get me outta trouble. (Even though he'd tear me a new one afterwards.) And I'll never forget the time I stole Da's prize whiskey and chugged with my girlfriend down by the river. When Da came looking for it, fit to be tied he was so mad, Eddie took the blame. But don't worry…" Eddie's brother paused with a wry smile, "Eddie was no saint."
Oh, I am very much aware of that. Olivia thought to herself with a faint smile.
Even for a mick, you're thick.
"Ed was a good husband. And a wonderful father. We hadn't been together for very long but he made himself such a large part of my life. I remember, the first time we met, I had spilled something on his tuxedo at a fundraiser. I was so embarrassed…"
I'm not going anywhere.
There was still so much she hadn't known about Ed. They had been together awhile but even after you've been with someone for years, you're still finding out something new. You never stop learning. Some of these stories….from his colleagues, his family, his friends….this was the first time Olivia had heard them. The first time she had gotten a glimpse of sides he hadn't totally shown her. Because they had run out of time.
And as the eulogies came to a close, Olivia's mind flicked back to the present. Keeping her face impassive and free of the turmoil she was feeling inside, she scanned the congregation. And saw Rafael. Standing next to Fin, Carisi, Rollins… all of them had come to say their farewells…even though Tucker hadn't exactly been beloved by the 16th.
In the end, he had earned their respect. If not always their trust.
Barba's eyes caught hers and he bobbed his head, as he used to do in the old days in court. You can do this. I'm here. Always.
…
Finally, after the playing of the bagpipes, Olivia and the rest of the honor guard gathered around the casket. The Funeral Commander gently removed the American flag draped over the coffin, folded it, and handed it to Patty. Gently touching her hand and saying a couple words to her and the boys, he stepped back.
As Patty's eyes came back up, her gaze caught Olivia's and she gave her a very faint nod. As if to thank her. Thank you for taking care of him.
Olivia dipped her head in acknowledgment.
I only wish I could have done more.
….
"Tucker 20."
"Tucker 20."
"Tucker Echo 20. Captain Edward Patrick Tucker."
"We thank you for your dedication, loyalty, and service to the citizens of New York City, New York and the United States. You made the people you served your family. You have influenced many for your unending compassion, respect for all people, respect for the truth, and your service in law enforcement. All those you served will remember you. All those you helped will remember you. All those you touched will honor you."
"Tucker 20. Rest in peace."
"10-42. End of watch."
…
Oh we're 21 shots going up for the officer down.
I held you tight when they told me it's time to let go.
And I know that somehow you knew that you weren't alone.
They called me and told me it's my officer down.
And I talked to you and begged you, but you didn't come back around.
Oh I kissed you goodbye a thousand times, but never like I'm doing right now.
Oh we're 21 shots going up.
I wish you had more time with us.
Cuz thirty three years ain't enough, for the officer down.
-Hannah Ellis, Officer Down