I hope you're all doing fine and that you'll let me know what you think!
"So what do you want for breakfast?" The irony of the situation was palpable. It was a little after two AM when the two women entered Olivia's apartment.
Soon enough, Amanda made herself comfortable on the couch. Usually, she'd wait for Olivia to invite her to do so but she felt way too tired for so-called manners.
The emptiness in her eyes was the only answer the exhausted woman could provide, so Liv would have to decide by herself. Eggs were Amanda's favorite but pancake sounded way more comforting.
"There you go!" Olivia announced with a soft voice.
Amanda felt confused for a second. She must have fallen asleep again because when she opened her eyes, an appetizing plate filled with fresh fruits and cinnamon pancakes was waiting for her on the lounge table. The Christmas perfume provided an instant sense of security to Amanda. She wondered why, since it's not like she had any good childhood memory related to that time of the year. Most of the time, those kind of family reunion would turn into predictable disasters.
"Is that ok?" The brunette asked for some kind of validation, still not certain at this point that Amanda would actually eat something.
Amanda was obviously caught up in her mind because again, it took her a while before answering.
"I was so hungry!" She eventually whispered, somehow still caught up into her thoughts.
"Here!" Olivia reached out for Amanda's plate, almost glad to hear that.
"When Bucci.. that's stupid!" She finally realized she was about to share some detail about her abduction and felt embarrassed.
"It's not stupid at all. What were you going to say?" Olivia encouraged. Amanda might not be able to talk about the most traumatic part of what she endured, but it was indeed healthy to start sharing something.
"It had already been a long day and.. I was starving when Bucci decided we would go on a road trip!" Amanda felt foolish to admit that loud. Amongst all the things running through her mind, she was complaining about her empty stomach.
"It had been a long day!" Olivia confirmed indeed.
"Do you feel like eating now?" Olivia tried, adamant to help her friend regain some strength.
"Well, the cinnamon scent is kind of hard to resist!" Amanda chuckled, hoping to ease the mood. She couldn't decide if she was grateful to be at Liv's and enjoy the feeling of someone taking care of her or if she felt ill at ease. Taking one step at the time, all she had to do for now was enjoying some delicious food.
"Thank you Liv. I really needed that!"
"I'm glad you liked them. If you want, I can make some more? Or something else?" Olivia pointed out casually, wanting to make sure Amanda felt satisfied.
"I'm good, thanks though. I should probably check on the girls!?" Even though it was enunciated like a question, it was more of a rhetorical way to let Liv know how guilty she was feeling.
"They're in good hands honey. Fin is taking good care of them!" She reassured.
"Fin is probably asleep in front of the tv as we speak. But you're right.. they're probably better off without me anyway!" Has she spoken out loud again? Damn, she should probably be more careful about how her thoughts were leaving her mouth without filter.
Olivia sighed, obvious worry filling the brown of her eyes. She wasn't sure if it was the right time to dig deeper into Amanda's previous allusion, but she couldn't reasonably pretend she didn't hear Amanda self-depreciation comment again. In order to have a clear reading of her friend's expression, she sat on the coffee table, right in front of Amanda. She could already tell how that move was making the blonde detective nervous. They knew each other too well for those kind of games. "Would you like to talk about what happened earlier?.. Or is it better if we chat in the morning?"
Amanda wanted to say that there was nothing to talk about. But again, she was too exhausted to deflect, when both women pertinently knew Olivia would not let that go. So she stayed silent instead, hoping once again, that Olivia would decide for her.
"Why don't we go change into some nice warm pajamas?" Funny enough, it was Olivia's turn to change subject. Even though it was her way to not overwhelm her friend, Amanda couldn't help but smirk.
"You know what Liv, I don't trust my brain right now. I don't want to say things I may regret." It came out as the perfect answer to avoid any conversation but a perplex Olivia rose an eyebrow.
"Are you.. angry at me?" The brunette shyly asked.
"Angry at what?! I'm just tired is all!" Amanda stood awkwardly in front of Olivia's bedroom door waiting for Liv to give her something to wear for the night.
After the conventional discussion on who would take the couch, they both agreed to share the bed.
After half an hour of tossing though, Amanda couldn't find the right position for her mind to stop rushing.
"You ok?"
"M'good."
"Are you lying?"
"Yeah."
Olivia turned on the bedside lamp.
"Honey, what's the matter? How can I help?"
Amanda was turned on her side but Olivia didn't miss to notice the single tear she was trying to wipe.
"I'm just a little cold." Her shaky tone could indeed confirm the statement, but it wasn't all there was.
"Let me find you another blanket!" Olivia was quick on her feet, but stopped when she noticed Amanda trying to speak again.
"Actually.. would it be weird if… I borrowed your jacket.. from before?" Amanda was grateful for the obscurity of the room that hid a little bit of her shame.
Olivia felt her own heart shrinking at those simple words. She took a deep and silent breath to steady her voice before speaking. "Would you like me to hold you?" She asked in a maternal manner.
Amanda hesitated. Did she deserve that level of reassurance, when she was nothing but a mess? She nodded anyway. Liv was the only person she'd trusted right now even though she did feel foolish at how needy she was being.
Olivia, honored with the faith her friend was placing in her, made her way back under the covers and moved closer to Amanda. Carefully, she extended her arms to hug her friend. "Is that ok?" Olivia asked.
"Yes." Amanda responded with sadness "I'm sorry", she felt the urge to add.
"Oh honey, I'm the one who's sorry. You were right, I don't get to have an opinion on what you think about your mother." Olivia explained matter-of-factly.
Amanda, on the other hand, was still caught up on her own insecurity and the revelation she had when she was in the motel with Bucci. Maybe, if she was in another state of mind, she would have been able to acknowledge Liv's words, but right now, she couldn't believe them even if she wanted to. She took a deep breath that hurt more than what she expected.
"Do you think because of me Jesse and Billie will grow up to believe they don't deserve to be happy?"
Tenderly, Olivia ran her left hand through the blonde's hair, and Amanda close her eyes in appreciation. "Your little girls have something you never had honey."
"What's that?"
"Safety! When you hold them, when you care for them, in everything that you do, the intent is very clear: you want to see them happy. How can they not grow up to believe they deserve the best?. I don't worry for one bit about your girls honey. I do worry about you right now, though." Olivia admitted sincerely, still trying her best to provide some warmth.
"I'm ok" She wasn't even sure why kept repeating this. It sounded absurd at this point.
As long as she spent her days running away from herself, she could function. Being in a motel though, motionless and deprived of control may have had some unpredictable effects on her. For starters, the version of herself she was running away from may have caught up with her. Secondly, she has been scared for her life. She couldn't process everything at once. As a matter of fact, she couldn't process anything at all right this moment. "I don't know Liv. I'm just confused" she finally added, this time with sincerity.
"That's fine if you are. Whatever you feel has the right to be. But whatever you think isn't certainly true honey.
"If I can just keep my mouth shut, it's gonna be fine then." Sassy Amanda was still there and somehow, it made Liv smile.
"You can tell me anything, anytime. But for the record, I believe you are the most brave, capable, sensitive woman I know. So I might have a hard time agreeing with those awful thoughts about yourself"
"You forgot stubborn… I can get you to understand how much of a mess I am." Amanda's breathing was getting deeper but she couldn't help but resist the need to close her eyes.
"You're ok sweetie, let yourself fall asleep!" Olivia whispered more and more gently, making sure her friend felt safe and sound.