Chapter Four: The Longest Day of Goodbyes

Disclaimer: All recognizable dialogue from The Longest Night of Rain belongs to Dick Wolf. Words are not mine. Prayers are taken from the Roman Catholic committal ceremony.

May the good earth be soft under you
When you rest upon it,
May it rest easy over you when,
At the last, you lay out under it,
And may it rest so lightly over you
That your soul may be out
From under it quickly, and up, and off,
And be on its way to God

They buried Ed in the corner of the cemetery not too far from where he had lived with Patty. It was quiet there, the hush interrupted only by the occasional chirping of the birds and the wind. Being January in New York, the trees were stripped of their leaves and the ground was hard. But Olivia could imagine it beautiful in spring, his grave covered by the shade of large oak trees, with fingers of sunlight streaming through the leaves.

Olivia doesn't look at the casket, though. She doesn't dare. Keeping it together (and not squirming from the discomfort of the itchy wool) is taking everything she has within her.

We gather here to commend our brother, Edward, to God our Father and to commit his body to the earth In the spirit of faith in the Resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, let us raise our voices and offer our prayers for Edward.

…..

"Ed, what are we doing here?"

He turned to her, his ice blue eyes deadly serious. "You can't tell my wife." He met Olivia's eyes for a long moment. "Did I ever tell you where I worked after 9/11? They had me detailed to the Fresh Kill Landfill Recovery site, looking for remains. 12 hour shifts at the conveyor belt, sifting through the debris, watching credit cards, baby pictures, and wedding rings go by…" His voice trailed off momentarily, lost in the past. "Every once in a while, a finger or rib." A faint sheen of moisture crosses his eyes.

Ghosts never die. Or fade away. They're here with us always.

"That sounds how I picture hell." Olivia said quietly. She can't imagine the horror, the sadness, the ache of constantly being around the memories of that horrible day.

"You start thinking about your life, you know?" He looked over her shoulder, to some point on the horizon. "All the things you missed."

"Oh, Ed." Were the only words Olivia could find to say. She gently touched his hand and squeezed it – and he looked grateful.

"They caught the cancer in my lungs before I started seeing you."

….What I wish is that we had more time…..

"Now it's in my brain."

"They can treat that, right?" Olivia asked, hardly able to believe what she was hearing.

"They can but, " Ed said slowly, "the doctor just told me I have 6 months to a year."

Oh my god.

"It's okay, Liv." His eyes were very gentle. "It is what it is."

...

"Trusting in God, we have prayed together for Edward and now we come to the last farewell. There is sadness in parting, but we take comfort in the hope that one day we shall see Edward again and enjoy his friendship. Although this congregation will disperse in sorrow, the mercy of God will gather us together again in the joy of his kingdom. Therefore let us console one another in the faith of Jesus Christ."

….

"Well, pretty soon I won't be myself anymore." He told her matter-of-factly, just the truth, unvarnished, unembellished. "Maybe you noticed I'm starting to have memory lapses."

"That's why you didn't remember Rachel," she said softly, in a sudden realization.

"I had no idea how I knew her." He confessed. "And I was too embarrassed to tell you that."

Oh, Ed….you can always tell me anything.

Ed told her that Gary had called him to make sure that Ed had his back.

"You were going to cover up a rape?"

"I would never," he said firmly. "I would NEVER."

Of course he wouldn't. Ed Tucker despised corruption. Despised dirty cops. How she could have EVER entertained the thought, even for a moment, that Ed Tucker might have been slightly dirty? Olivia was ashamed of herself.

"I'm not mad at you for asking." Ed said gently. "I'd do the same thing. But, back in the day, Gary said that he had had an affair with her and when he went to break it off, she accused him of rape. I was stupid enough to believe him."

Not stupid, Ed. Not stupid for wanting to believe your partner, your friend.

"I don't want Rachel or Ralph on my conscience," Ed turned to Olivia, his face determined. "I have to make this right. While I still have time."

While I still have time. Olivia's heart broke a little bit more hearing those words.

And he had made it right. Ed Tucker always settled his accounts.

….

Olivia watched as Father Murphy, an old friend of Ed's, incensed and sprinkled the casket with holy water.

Into your hands, Father of mercies,
we commend our brother Edward
in the sure and certain hope
that, together with all who have died in Christ,
he will rise with him on the last day.

Merciful Lord,
turn toward us and listen to our prayers:
open the gates of paradise to your servant
and help us who remain
to comfort one another with assurances of faith,
until we all meet in Christ
and are with you and with our brother forever.
Through Christ our Lord.

He looked up to the honor guard and nodded. That was their cue.

Olivia and the others lined up along the casket and lifted it, carrying it to the freshly dug grave. Placing it on the device, they stood to the right of the casket as it was lowered slowly into the ground. Patty and the boys stood in front.

As if in a daze, Olivia watched each of them walk forward to throw a white rose on the casket. One by one, the flowers landed on the top of the casket.

I can't believe you're gone.

…..

"What did you want to tell me, Ed?" Olivia asked him, that day on the pier.

"I wanted to apologize." He said.

"For what?" She asked. "We both moved on with our lives. There's nothing to apologize for."

"I should have fought harder." He said quietly.

And she wasn't sure if he was talking about fighting for them, or fighting his cancer.

"You did the best you could. I don't blame you." She said quietly. "I should be the one apologizing to you. I should have understood that I didn't have to give you up."

"Not your fault," he said gently, "you had a full dance card."

"So why are we standing here blaming ourselves?" She asked, with a slight smile.

He laughed. And then got quiet.

"I love Patty," He said, "but I never stopped caring for you. I want you to know that."

I love you. And always will.

"I know, Ed." She smiled softly. "I know." You never had to tell me. I always knew.

So many words they both could still say. So many words they both left unsaid.

He leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. "May the road rise to meet you, Olivia Margaret Benson."

And may the wind ever be at your back.

….

"Bow your head and pray for God's blessing." The priest's soft words broke into Olivia's memories.

"Merciful Lord, you know the anguish of the sorrowful, you are attentive to the prayers of the humble.
Hear your people who cry out to you in their need, and strengthen their hope in your lasting goodness.
Through Christ our Lord."

"Amen," Olivia whispered softly. Although not religious whatsoever, the words fell on her heart like a balm, soothing her chafed and raw soul. Maybe she could bring herself to believe in a place of eternal peace and light. She'd like to think that was where Ed was. Free from suffering, free from pain. Whole. The way he was before the cancer had burrowed into his body, robbing him of his dignity, of his pride, of his entire self.

"Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord."

"And may perpetual light shine upon them."

"May he rest in peace."

Goodbye, Edward Patrick Tucker. May the rain fall softly on your fields and may God hold you in the palm of His hand until we meet again

Her arm raised in a final salute, a single tear tracking its way down her face.

And when she walked away from the grave, her final task completed, she finally started to weep.

Be at peace, my friend. I will always love you.