Chapter 9

Of course Lula would not be swayed from going with me to hunt my skips, in part because apparently Diggory had turned himself in while I was gone. I didn't know what that was about.

What I did know was that Captain Rogers was not in my Jeep when we went outside, and it didn't seem that anyone had seen him get out. Lula and Connie hadn't said anything, there were no crowds outside, and my mother hadn't called me to tell me that someone had seen a strange man get out of my vehicle just days after I'd broken up with Morelli.

Small miracle.

Of course, that would be the extent of my good luck.

I started with the most urgent skip, and that was a man named Edward Herbert. Edward was wanted for third degree assault on his neighbor.

Edward was convinced that his neighbor was stealing his newspaper. After repeated calls to Trenton Police Department, who had not taken him seriously, he'd taken matters into his own hands.

I may have broken up with Morelli, but I'd spent enough time dating him while he was a cop with TPD in the crimes against persons division to know that they had way bigger fish to fry than newspaper theft. And a big backlog to work on.

Then again, maybe I was being overly sympathetic to the neighbor since I had been known to steal my neighbor's newspaper if I found myself in need and it was still sitting out on their welcome mat.

What? I usually put it back.

It was a little odd getting used to having Avengers talking in my ear while also carrying on a conversation with Lula, but thankfully they didn't chatter too much. I wasn't sure if they had some way of putting themselves on mute for me specifically from time to time, or if they actually just didn't talk much.

Still, even when they weren't speaking, I was acutely aware that at least one of them was probably there. Watching. Judging.

Maybe that wasn't fair. They actually were pretty nice and remarkably down to earth people. Much more than you would expect of superheroes- especially Captain Rogers. And other than the whole gun thing, they hadn't been forceful with me or judgemental of the insanity that was my life.

And maybe it was a little comforting to know that they were there. It was kind of like when one of the men from Rangeman were following me at Ranger's order. The Avengers didn't want anyone to know they were in town, and they had no intention of drawing attention to themselves. But I was pretty sure if it came down to them breaking cover or me dying, they were going to break cover.

So I was feeling pretty confident, and even Lula noticed.

"I thought you and Detective Sexy broke up at the hospital," Lula said. "First you were in the hospital unconscious, and the rumor mill was saying you and Morelli were engaged. Then the next thing I know, Connie and I are hearing that you threw him out of your room on his ass the second you woke up!"

"We broke up before."

I didn't elaborate because I was hoping to not invite too many questions.

"Before you were kidnapped?" Lula asked.

"Yeah," I told her, parking at the curb outside of Herbert's house.

"So you were kidnapped?" Lula pressed.

"Yeah," I hopped out of the car and started walking up the walkway.

"Wow, you're not real talkative today are you," Lula said. "And what's with the paint on this car. Did it happen before or after you were kidnapped? Who did it? Was it Detective Sexy? Why are you so confident? Did Ranger soothe your broken heart?"

I stopped halfway to the door and turned on her, "it's complicated. It's all complicated. And I don't want to talk about it. I broke up with Morelli, and I've had to remind him a couple times now. I don't remember anything about my kidnapping. I did not sleep with Ranger. And I don't know who graffitied my car. End of story. Now are we going to get this skip or what?"

Lula let out an offended breath, "okay. I just thought we were friends and maybe you'd want to catch me up on what was happening with your life."

"Well you're caught up," I told her. "Now let's do the phone thing and you go around back. NO SHOOTING."

"I see getting kidnapped hasn't made you any more fun," Lula said. "And you got them bullets from Connie. Are you going to shoot him? If you're going to shoot him, why can't I shoot him?"

"I'm not going to shoot him! Nobody is going to shoot anybody!"

"Fine, fine!" Lula grumbled under her breath as she walked away.

I took my phone out and called her, waiting for her to pick up and then putting the phone on speakerphone before clipping it onto my belt.

I knocked on the front door and yelled out, "Bond Enforcement!" After a few seconds of silence I did it again.

"Back door is locked," Lula told me. "Want me to bust it in?"

I looked around and saw a rock on the front porch, "hold on," I told her. I kicked the rock and found a key under it. Easy.

"I found the hide a key," I told Lula. "I'm going to go in the front. Hold your position, and make sure he doesn't escape out the back."

So saying I pulled my stun gun out and turned the key in the lock. I switched the stun gun over to my right and opened the door with my left.

"Mr. Herbert!" I yelled out as I walked in the door. "This is Stephanie Plum! I work for Vincent Plum Bail UUUGGGHHH!"

Something landed on my head with a plop and I looked up in time to see something thick and goopy dumping out of a bucket above the door. It was sticky and it was all over my face, head, hair, and dripping down my body in thick waves from there.

"Mother fu-" I cut off again as I heard a switch somewhere to my right. I pulled my stun gun up as a fan turned on and blew… sawdust all over me. Sawdust.

"Ha ha!" A man yelled from further in the living room! "I told that broad who called in that I wasn't coming in! That man was a thief, and I took care of him! Not my fault the oil and marbles made him fall! Ain't no assault! He was trespassing anyway!"

"Edward Herbert?" I asked, wiping gunk out of my eyes.

"That's me!" he said proud. "And you're that dumb bitch-"

This time he was the one that cut off, and it was because the breath wooshed out of him as I tackled him.

"You son of a bitch," I said. "What? Did you watch Home Alone a few too many times?"

"Every day in December," he retorted. "And get off me! You're dripping on me, and I'm not going back to jail!"

"Yeah, you are!" I yelled. "And really? You're going to complain that I'm dripping on you?! Whose fault is that?!"

"You were breaking and entering!" he told me.

"I'm allowed to enter your residence," I told him.

"You need a warrant!" he told me as I dragged him out of the house and toward the car.

I counted to ten trying to regain my calm even though I was pissed that my first skip back and things had already gone sideways. I was going to be the laughing stock of the police station again, and I didn't want to go in. But I needed the money.

"I don't need a warrant," I told him. "I'm not a cop."

I could hear Lula huffing and puffing over the phone as she presumably started coming back around the house from the side yard. I remote started the car, not wanting to be cold in addition to covered in crap on the drive to the police station.

Halfway down the walkway, I heard the screech of tires as a big SUV with a bumping bass came flying around the corner.

Instinct had me throwing Herbert down on the ground then following a split second later before my brain had even fully registered that what was happening was possibly a threat.

I was glad for it because the two windows on our side of the SUV rolled down just enough for the tops of a couple of guns to pop out and all of the sudden it was like a war zone broke out on the otherwise quiet street.

"Holy shit!" Lula yelled.

I could hear her return fire over the phone, and I got into a bit of a crouch as I struggled to try to fish my gun out of my messenger bag. I felt a searing pain in my arm, and dropped myself even lower back to the ground and finally felt my hands close around the handle.

I pulled it up and quickly emptied the rounds in my Smith & Wesson, and I was pretty sure I actually hit the SUV in the process as they quickly sped away. I lowered my gun and my guard for a moment only to realize that they stopped again a couple houses down.

The window on the back door of the SUV popped open and I thought I saw some sort of rocket launcher coming up, so I grabbed up my skip and we booked it back toward the house at a crouch.

I heard a very familiar sound behind me, and I didn't even need to look to know what had happened.

Still I heard Lula yelling, "you okay, Steph?!"

"Yeah," I shouted back to her. "Take cover!"

"They're gone," she hollered. "And probably you don't have to worry about that graffiti on your car anymore!"

I still had my left hand, the one that wasn't attached to the arm beginning to be plagued by a dull throb, latched onto my skip's arm, but I pulled back enough to get a good look at him.

"You okay?" I asked him surprised at how collected I sounded.

"I think I messed myself," he answered, looking quite pale. I didn't see any blood on him though, so I figured he was fine otherwise.

And I was a goopy disaster, but at least I could be proud that I hadn't messed myself like him.

"No shame in that," I told him.

I dragged him back out to the front yard and surveyed the damage. His yard, front steps, and concrete walkway were shot up, as was his fence. Then of course my Jeep was a smoldering, twisted hunk of metal, but that was really all.

I could already hear sirens approaching at a rapid pace, but first on scene was a pretty blue SUV that had me flinching and ready to hit the ground once more before my earpiece came live again with a quick, "it's us. You okay?" in a clipped tone from Natasha.

I looked down at my arm and said, "just grazed me. I'll be fine." Then as an afterthought I added, "I'm out of bullets again though."

Moments later Ranger's porsche cayenne rolled up, and he stepped out. He gave a brief nod to the SUV, and it pulled away once more.

He walked up and looked me over head to toe.

"Babe," Ranger said. This one was a mix of amusement over everything that was covering me and relief that I was okay. With a bit of exasperation that I was already in danger again mixed in.

A Rangeman SUV pulled up, and Tank and Hal got out. Ranger took my skip from me and the paperwork with the right to apprehend once I pulled that out of my bag. He handed both off to Hal, and addressed Lula who had walked up, "you need a ride?"

Lula fanned herself but nodded.

"Hal will take you home then take the skip to jail," Ranger told her.

Then his focus was on me once more, "do you want to stay to talk to the cops?" he asked.

"I would rather not," I answered. "If that is an option."

Ranger pulled me a few steps away and into him.

"Tank will take you to St. Francis," he said, taking a hand and pushing a goop covered strand of hair out of my face. "Try not to have any disasters in the next hour, and I'll come get you once everything is all set here. Take you back to my place. We can get you cleaned up. Maybe it'll take a couple tries."

"And then what?" I asked because a shower at Rangeman in Ranger's luxurious bathroom sounded great even without the extras I was sure Ranger was offering.

"Babe?" Ranger wasn't sure what I was asking.

"I go back to your place, spend the night, and then what happens in the morning?" I asked impatiently.

"We have breakfast and then you go hunt some more skips," he told me calmly.

"So nothing's changed," I clarified.

"I still can't offer you more."

Ranger's face didn't give anything away as he said it, and his eyes just searched mine.

"I know your big secret now," I pointed out.

Ranger gave a hollow laugh, and he replied, "that was hardly my biggest secret. It isn't even dark."

"Then why didn't you tell me before?!" I was frustrated, and then I realized I was getting beyond my point, so I added. "Never mind, that isn't important. So it doesn't matter that Morelli's gone?"

"For now," Ranger said, implying that Morelli and I would be getting back together.

"For good," I insisted. "This isn't like the other times. I'm done with him."

"Doesn't change anything," Ranger told me. "Though I had hoped it would make the part where I convince you to come back to my apartment easier."

I narrowed my eyes at him, "what's that supposed to mean?"

"Just that you wouldn't do the thing where you feel guilty because of Morelli," he said.

"Huh," I said. "Well, I don't feel guilty. But if nothing's changed, then I think I'll pass."

I had to admit, my voice didn't sound totally sure about that. Which is probably why Ranger pulled me to him for a brief but thorough kiss.

Ranger was good at persuading.

He stared into my eyes for a moment then nudged me in the direction of Tank.

Probably I didn't want a relationship with Ranger anyway. I mean, can you imagine what that would be like?

The guy is nuts about security and he's already always tracking me. If we were in an actual relationship, he'd probably do that even more.

And then there were his enemies. I mean, I'd done him a favor and gone to a wedding as his date slash extra security one time, and that had ended in a guy blowing himself up in my foyer.

Maybe Ranger was right. He did have a karma problem, and I didn't need that following me around. I had bad enough luck on my own.

And maybe he'd be done balancing his karma out soon.

In the meantime, what's a few orgasms between friends? Probably an orgasm or two would have me feeling pretty good about this whole drive by shooting, pussy car blowing up thing.

Certainly it was worth a try, right?

If I said any of that out loud, Tank didn't comment. Normally Tank's incessant silence drove me a little crazy, but in that moment, I loved it.

Didn't need Tank talking me out of my post-stitches Ranger orgasms. Or acknowledging them or talking about them at all, thank you very much.

A/N: Guys, I promise. It's not a Babe. It's Steph/Steve. We're just wandering a little on our way to getting there.