So this is my first attempt at a Kawoshin fanfic-have mercy on my soul! I'm basically just continuing the story of the last movie. So some chapters might feel like a recap and others won't but I swear it's all for a reason! Anyway, I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. Comments are appreciated; I love feedback! *Hint: feedback keeps me motivated to keep writing ;)
Chapter 1:
I was suffocated by sirens. A million lights flashing, alarms blaring-it was all too much. My body tremored under the tight seal of a plugsuit-as if every cell in my body was pulsing, screaming- stop. What have I done? What have I done? I thought I was doing the right thing! And suddenly there was an invisible wall between us that I pounded and pounded on until my knuckles popped-the agony of which was so minute-instantly lost in the totality of my gravest mistake.
I pounded my forehead against the invisible barrier, with tears dripping, my nose running, and scorching beads of sweat rolling down my spine sticking to my suit. How could I let this happen? This is all my fault-everything is my fault...again!
Deep watery sobs wretched my throat and I could do nothing but watch my mistake unfold. It should've always been me. It should've been me with the choker ready to detonate any second. This fate was never meant to be yours...why did I let you take it from me? Why would you do this for me? How can I stop this?!
"K-Kaworu….Kaworu!" I shouted his name like it was going to make time stop. Like it was going to reverse everything I had done. Like it was going to lock the choker around my neck instead.
I called for him again and again but I couldn't bring myself to look up at him. Because I knew...I his face would be calm, serene, like it always was, even in the face of danger. It was so like him to be placid, to resonate with mercy.
Was all of this going to be my fault? I did this...all of this?
And then the light poured in through his voice. "It's not your fault, Shinji."
I looked up and I saw him. I saw him for what he was-mercy and grace and divinity glowing through his ashen skin and scarlett eyes. I was not worthy of his grace…I was not worthy of love, especially his.
"This is happening because I've become the thirteenth angel. I'm the trigger, not you," he continued.
I could hardly bare to look at him anymore and the way he so easily accepted what was going to happen. How could he be so calm at a time like this?
"B-but...what...what am I supposed to do, Kaworu? How do I fix this?" I begged and pleaded with him as though he really had the answer. Kaworu was amazing...he had to have the answers. He had to.
"Listen to me Shinji…"
I pressed both of my hands against the barrier, desperately trying to hear his voice that rang like a lullaby.
"Even after your soul is gone, your wishes and curses still cling to this world. Your will will hue to the world as information, and transform it. It will even eventually rewrite your own history."
I cried harder, even though I did not understand. I didn't know what any of it meant. How could I? How could I process his words when the foundation of my psyche was crumbling, when the only person who had ever shown me love was leaving, was sacrificing himself. And for what?
He spoke again, this time a little softer. "I'm sorry Shinji...this isn't the happiness you wanted or deserved."
Happiness? I can never have that...not now...not ever. Happiness had never been at a greater distance.
Kaworu's choker was now armed, sharp rubies hovered and circled his wasn't time left now. There was no more time. There was nothing.
"B-but...but you said amazing things happen when we're...when we're together, Kaworu...you said that! You said...you said-"
"I'll close the gates myself. I don't want you to worry anymore, Shinji." Finally, he frowned. HIs stare was blank, like he was experiencing something for the first time. Kaworu don't you know what it's like to be scared? To feel sorrow...to..to…
He took in a breath and his exhale shook with the slighest hint of what could only be fear. The whites in his eyes glistened. And for a split second, he looked human.
"I don't understand….Kaworu...I thought we….I thought we were…" Unstoppable, a team, a force that could create change.
Suddenly I was choking, I was screaming from a deep ache in my chest. My heart was breaking-it was literally shattering in front of me, inside of me, it was...impaled? Anguish washed over me and I instinctively hugged my arms around my torso, holding my broken spirit together in one piece. I wasn't expecting the physical pain. What was even happening? Why did it feel like a speer was slicing through my ribcage and electrifiing every nerve in my body?
"Keep looking, Shinji. I know you'll find peace in a place where you belong."
He sounded so confident, so sure of himself...but he always did, even when he was dead wrong.
I wanted to speak, and I wanted to plead but I screamed and I choked. My lungs were too full of LCL.
"I'm certain that fate will show you the way."
And then I couldn't see him anymore-I wanted to see him. I wanted to see him. My eyes were glued shut but tears still cascaded off my cheeks and down my neck. Kaworu!
"Hey...try not to look so sad."
How?! How Kaworu? Everything is over, everything is ruined because of me. Despite my pain, I leaned against the invisible barrier one more time. I reached for him again. If I could just...if I could just…
"We'll meet again, Shinji. And when we do, I promise I'll guide you towards happiness."
"Kaworu!" I screamed his name one last final time and it was the last time I spoke his name out loud for a very long time.
"I'll protect you, Shinji. When you're ready."
Before everything turned red I saw him grin-the most beautiful, confident grin. It was like he knew exactly what the future had in store. And he was at peace with himself and what was left of the world. He made peace with the explosion of his physical form. In a great flash of red he was gone and all he left me was proof that he had ever been alive. The barrier dissolved and my hands were stained red. The taste of copper overwhelmed me. My face was warm and it was wet.
I blinked my eyes open and screamed. I screamed and tugged at my blood soaked hair until my voice was gone and my breath ran still.