I was numb. I was blank. And I was hollow. My consciousness, my awareness, the essence that made me whole, tended to flicker in and out, in and out, in a red bleary haze-until I was barely cognizant of my surroundings. I never had any recollection of being pulled out of the entry plug. I didn't remember seeing Asuka or Rei at the end. I was told all of these things... but my collection of memories stopped after Kaworu.
It was like the only constant thing in my life were the white walls, the slender twin bed, and the white collared shirt delivered to me every morning. Everything else was lost to me-visitors, doctors, any form of reasoning. I was blank.
There wasn't much left of Nerv but I returned, not by force but by choice. I never wanted to get inside an Eva again but I wanted to sit by the piano. I wanted to sit there with my arms wrapped around my knees and my head buried between my knees. I wanted to wait for him. In the whispers of the wind I heard keys playing, notes being touched-like our music still lingered in that space. But everything was quiet. There were no trees for the wind to tossle. No long ahsen fingers to ignite the music. There was only me and after a while I saw no reason to stay.
Since the near fourth impact, I had zero contact with my father, until a month went by and finally I was summoned. I didn't really understand what the state of the world even was. Were there still angels to destroy? Would there be more Evas? I couldn't bare the thought of piloting again. But at the same time, I wanted to be needed. I wanted to hear him say We need you, Shinji. Nerv needs you. The world needs you.
"Shinji."
His voice shook me out of my daydream. For a moment, I was terrorized by the deep chill of his voice. He was going to reprimand me for failing . I knew it.
"You will be piloting a new Eva."
What?
I couldn't read him at all. His face never showed what he was thinking but the straight line across his lips told me he was serious.
"W-what?"
"You did well."
I did...well? What was he even saying? I was silent to his praise. I wanted to know more of the state of the world but I didn't have the energy to find words.
"Allowing Kaworu to wear the collar, without hesitation, was a wise sacrifice."
Suddenly I could feel the wall of tears rising behind my eyes. My breath hitched, my heart raced, I was going to be sick...
"No I-I...that wasn't what I-"
Father almost grinned, looking down at me with spiteful pride, arms crossed, eyes narrowing. It was like he hated the person he forced me to be and was so at ease with it.
"You manipulated the bond you shared so you could continue living".
I felt sick. On instinct my hand clapped over my mouth and I squeezed my eyes shut.
"Only those with the will to live get to survive, Shinji."
Those words echoed in my head and reflected words that Misato had said to me once. A long, long, time ago...but I couldn't remember why or when exactly. I felt like I was remembering things that had never happened. A conversation with Misato on the beach...a similar feeling of guilt and grief sitting heavy in my chest.
My hand started to shake so I clenched it tight into a fist, squeezing nothing.
"I wish I had died instead...I didn't-didn't want it to be him! I w-would never...I would never deceive him just so I-"
My own memories stopped me from finishing. I would never deceive Kaworu, yet, this whole time, this whole time while we grew to love each other he had actually been...an angel. Kaworu was an angel, the enemy. But he took the form of a human. Kaworu...why would you want to be human? And feel human pain...why would you choose that?!
"You did what was asked, Shinji. Now, we need you to start synchronizing with the new Eva series."
I shook my head. I couldn't, I just couldn't. I could never go inside an entry plug again. I was certain, I was positive that it would kill me. Afterall, I was still too numb. How could I even begin to fathom synchronizing with an Eva? My mind was still warped inside a red sticky haze-surely the Eva would reject a broken spirit.
"I…." It was hard to breathe. "I...can't. I won't….I...I," Suddenly my breath picked up into quick, sharp inhales. I felt unsteady-my gaze, spinning. No matter how many breaths I took, I couldn't get the air in.
"Psychological contamination will not be an issue. Continue to follow orders and I will see you in the Eva. Good bye, Shinji."
He started to walk off while I still had so many questions, so much to say but not the slightest bit of strength or courage to communicate it. My knees shook. My heart palpitated. I couldn't get air in until I collapsed in a heap on the cold hard floor. My eyes began to close and my trembling grew still.
I woke up in my room, the same room with the white walls, the thin cot, and the chute where my clothes and food were delivered. On this morning, an empty tray descended from the chute. I approached hesitantly, wondering why there was nothing. Then I saw it. A small blue pill.