So this one might me my favorite so far! I know you've got questions at this point but don't worry answers are on the way! I know we're all wondering where our best angel boy is, but have faith! This is a Kawoshin fic after all ;) Warning: if some parts seem suuuper repetitive here it is completely on purpose so don't be concerned if you feel a little dejavu or if you feel like you're reading the same line twice. Anyways, enjoy!

My face burned hot, my chest tightened, my palms burned and I felt paralyzed to the world around me. I sunk to the floor as my chest rose too much and fell too little. I felt like I was in a hurry like I had to be somewhere, somewhere else, I was supposed to be somewhere else…

You're panicking-you're panicking. Just stop! Just breathe! I told myself, over and over again so that way it had to be true. I was working myself up. I was just scared.

Breathe. Stop panicking, just breathe!

I tried my best to look up but there was nothing other than an infinite blanket of white light. And that feeling returned, the warmth crawling up my back. I felt the light caressing my skin. I could hear the nothingness around me, speaking only in instinct, not words. And there it was again, the warmth up my back and the urgency to be somewhere else. I was somewhere else-I was supposed to be in-

...in the Eva. I never wanted to back but this time-this time I just had to. Misato and the others gave me no other choice. Unit 2 was moving on its own and they needed me. They needed me to stop this. I had to pilot the Eva this time because the world really, really needed me to. And if I could do this-do this one thing right then maybe…

Suddenly Misato's voice echoed off the walls of the entry plug.

"Shinji I need you to listen to me and I need you to be calm, okay?" She spoke in a rush with urgency apparent. Ok, this would be important then. I was listening.

"Kaworu Nagisa is an Angel and he's taken control of Unit 2. We don't have a lot of information but Shinji I need you to stop him from entering the Terminal Dogma. Do you understand?"

My face burned hot, my chest tightened, my palms burned and I felt paralyzed to the world around me. I sunk deeper into myself, berating my own consciousness. My chest rose too much and fell too little and it felt like I was in a hurry the way my breath was flowing faster than I could comprehend.

"That's a lie! You're lying...lying...you're lying!" I clenched the controls tighter and squeezed my eyes shut, shaking my head in denial because it wasn't true. Kaworu wasn't an angel ...he was good...he was good and I was so sure of it. "Kaworu's a….he's an Angel?!" Even saying it didn't sound like it made any sense. I slammed my fist against the controls, shaking with the denial of it all. "That's not true!"

"Facts are facts. Just accept," Misato said coldly. "You need to launch. Are you ready?"

And so I realized there wasn't time to be in disbelief. I didn't have time to argue with the facts-I only had time to accept that everything I thought-the way he made me feel-the connection we established- was all fake. All of it. He...Kaworu betrayed me. And the only real lie was my own denial.

Unit 1 began descending and I had never been so eager to control it. To find Unit 2 and to find Kaworu and to be openly angry. Because that was the only thing that would help right now. I felt the heat of rage ignite my skin and begin to draw tears to my eyes. How could I have let him get so close to me? Why did I think anyone could love me? But how could I let him get so close to me?

"You betrayed me! You betrayed my feelings!" I shouted as if he could hear me and feel what I was feeling. "You betrayed me, just like father!" I suddenly felt the weight of that injustice, of the only people who were supposed to love me doing just the opposite. It felt like venom, stinging every cell inside me.

By the time I had reached level 4, I saw him. I saw Kaworu glowing in front of Unit 2-radiating peace. And for a moment I was calm because that was just the effect he had on me.

"Kaworu!" I shouted for him on instinct. I shouted because I still wanted him on my side despite everything. I wanted him to look at me with his mercy again. I wanted him to-

In a second I was locked into battle with Unit 2, all my focus returning back to the Eva, back to the moment and back to this reality-where both the strength of Unit 1 and 2 seemed almost equal.

For a second I looked to Kaworu again, watching him watch me. His face was calm, almost serene. "Kaworu! Stop it! Why are you doing this?!"

He looked up at me, this time with a twinkle in his eye and an air of something like sorrow.

"The Evas and I are made of the same flesh. We are both born of Adam, you see. If it weren't for its soul I could merge with it."

In spite of the clashing and grinding of metal between the fighting Evas, I could still hear him perfectly like he was speaking right into my ear.

The blades of the Evas grinded against each other until sparks flew. I held steady for as long as I could until Unit 2 advanced with a jerking motion and suddenly my blade slipped.

For a moment I was terrified. I was terrified I would actually hurt Kaworu. A quick rush of panic swept through me until my blade was stopped by an invisible barrier surrounding him.

"Is that an A.T. Field?" I asked.

"Oh that's right-that is what you Lillin call it. The sacred region none may violate. The light of the heart."

The blade pierced his A.T. field so forcefully that even I could see the light he spoke of. It was a blindingly white glow completely encompassing his form. And somehow even inside the cockpit of the Eva, I could feel its warmth-in the form of a tickling sensation up my back. I was calm again, if only for a second.

"Deep down you Lilin must know. The A.T Field is the inner wall that we all possess."

I was mad. I was confused. What did any of that even mean?

"How would I know anything about that, Kaworu?" I shouted back in sheer frustration. Why would he assume I know so much when really half the time I didn't know why I was inside the Eva and if my efforts even mattered.

He ignored my question and became lost outside of my field of vision. Before I could call out to him and beg him for more answers I became all too aware that my fight with Unit 2 was far from over as the inside of the cockpit rattled and my head slammed against the back of the seat. I looked over my shoulder to see Unit 2 grabbing hold of Unit 1's ankle. I had to finish this fight whether I wanted to or not...and it always seemed like that's what it came down to. I had to advance whether I wanted to or not. Whether I wanted to or not...there was never a choice.

It took everything I had to stop Unit 2, if not for Nerv, if not for humanity, then to find Kaworu again and finish speaking to him. Everything was so confusing and even though I didn't fully understand the circumstance I still felt betrayed at my core. Kaworu was an angel...the very thing I'm fighting against.

At the end I found him again, waiting for me with a smile on his lips and pure grace in his eyes. His stare was like crimson kindness and I just couldn't pull myself away. I just couldn't hate him.

I grabbed hold of his body with Unit 1 and held him for a while, noticing for the first time the ring of light that surrounded him, different from his A.T. field. He must have put that down on purpose, yet he radiated a different kind of light on his own. And still, he looked back at me with merciful awe that I wasn't sure I even deserved. He radiated a warm glow in Unit 1's hand that I felt through my own skin. It was warm, it was nice, and it pulsated an energy through me that felt sort of like forgiveness but more like someone saying "It's ok" over and over again.

"Thank you, Shinji." Kaworu's voice was in my ear. "I had hoped that you would stop Unit 2 for me."

For him?

"Otherwise, I may have been able to live on alongside her," he said.

"Kaworu, why-"

"It's my fate. It dictates that I live on. Even if mankind perishes as a result." What was he saying? What fate?

All the while, I was frozen inside Unit 1 and I could see and hear nothing but his words. "But I can die here if I want. Life and death hold equal value to me."

At that, my heart sunk a little deeper. Fear crept into the tips of my fingers and I felt my grasp on him tighten on instinct. He wasn't afraid to die-not in the slightest.

"Choosing to die is the one absolute freedom," he continued. Inside my own mind the fear of death seemed to do nothing but tether me to the reality I hated... yet to him death is his wings-the liberator of the present moment. The logic of which made me tremble.

"But, what does that mean? K-Kaworu you're scaring me-I don't understand why you're saying this!" My voice started to waver, anger diminishing, tears rising behind my eyes, because deep down I understood.

"They're my last words. Now go ahead and destroy me." He spoke so simply, so kindly, like he would do this over again in a heartbeat.

I was silenced.

"If you don't, you and your kind will disappear. Only one lifeform can avoid extinction and be granted a future." He paused. His eyes shimmering as he spoke. "And you're not someone who ought to die."

My whole body shook and I could barely maintain Unit 1's grasp on him anymore. The trembling in my chest travelled up to my head and outward in a cascade of tears. I couldn't do this...not to Kaworu... not to him…

"You need a future." My breath hitched and I couldn't bring myself to look at him anymore. I couldn't bear to watch the kindness in his eyes grow brighter or his halo of light grow warmer. I wanted more than anything to forget this moment.

"Thank you. I'm happy that I met you."

Kaworu wanted me to kill him. Facts are facts, just accept it, Misato's words echoed through my head as a reminder. He wanted this. He wanted me to do this. I had to do this-everyone was depending on me. If I didn't end him now then…

He's an angel. He's angel. He's an angel. He's not my friend. He doesn't love me. He doesn't love me. I have to do this. And still…

I closed my fist completely and Unit 1 followed. His light flickered until it bled out.

"I wish I could go with you…" I whispered into the new layer of darkness that contaminated my heart.

My hand stung. I opened my eyes and found myself in the infirmary alone. My fist was bandaged and still bleeding through the gauze. On the nightstand to my right was something that looked like the packaging of a prescription drug, but with the addition of the Nerv logo and my name written beneath a bar code.

Inside was the same blue pill.