Well hello. Believe it or not. I'm here. It's been a hot minute, but I'm back...
DISCLAIMER: This is a STRONG T RATING. Please kindly click the back button if you don't think you're up for some heavy, dark stuff. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Enjoy!
Nine months. Nine awful, terrible, sweet, amazing months. Natalie stood, a forlorn figure gazing out at the plane as it sped off down the runway. The sun was setting, and as the plane rose, it seemed to fly into the sun, before it soared magnificently above the golden orb and out of sight.
What have I done? She thought. What has happened to me? Her fingers clenched and unclenched by her sides. Busy travelers hurried about her, dragging their luggage behind them. Some moved with ease and their well-oiled wheels slid effortlessly across the smooth airport floor. Others struggled, shifting duffel bags and backpacks off aching shoulders as they took one weary step after another.
Natalie brushed a lock of dirty hair out of her eyes. He was gone. Just like that. And she was left alone, with the possibility of a fetus growing in her womb.
And he hadn't even looked back.
It was hard. She struggled. There was nothing to look forward to, now that he was gone. Yes, she had other friends, but suddenly their lives seemed silly and dull.
Why giggle about what hot Shawn had done this, or ooh and aah over the latest Gucci bag? She was broken, her heart was broken in two and she sometimes she struggled to breathe.
Often, Natalie found herself lying on the the floor as great hiccupping sobs threatened to choke her.
She awoke, on a bright sunny morning, sticky tears staining her face. Wearily, she glanced at the clock and groaned. It was too early, but she had to be up, she had to work. As her feet hit the cold floor she shuddered. It was going to be a long day, just like the day before that had been.
She stepped into the shower, thankful for the warm water that embraced her skin. She still hadn't gotten her period and a great weight had settled over her. Natalie didn't know how to tell Isabel that she was damaged goods, and that she was carrying an American's baby.
Jonah had been a nice boy. He'd come to England to intern with her father for nine months. He wasn't overly attractive, and, if Natalie was being honest, he was perhaps one of the most ugly boys she'd ever met.
But she was drawn to him, because she was desperate. She just wanted someone to love her, because no one else did.
Her brother Ian, barely glanced at her as he rushed off to whatever he was involved in that day. And as for her parents... well, they weren't even friendly to her.
Sighing, she turned off the shower and wrapped herself in a fluffy towel. Natalie wondered if it would be appropriate to spend another thirty-seven minutes wrapped in her towel staring at the wall, as she found herself doing often now.
Where is my period? She wondered. I can't be pregnant. Except she knew that she could. She'd seen the look of horror on Jonah's face.
She didn't think she'd ever forget it.
Her phone chimed and she shot up, eager to see who had texted her. It was Atticus, her best friend. Natalie smiled, despite herself.
How are you today? Atticus had asked.
Natalie grinned as she typed, Oh you know... beautiful, as usual. ;P
Atticus was a welcome distraction from her worries and they texted back and forth all day, each text flirtier than the last.
The sky was smeared with color as she stepped into her house that night, tired from school and work and eager to relax. As the door slammed shut behind her, Ian appeared at the top of the stairwell.
His hair was mussed and his face was eager. "Wanna play a game?
Natalie stared at him in shock. The last time Ian had offered to play a game had been when they were six, and it had ended badly, with Natalie screaming because there was acid on her skin. "Uh..." She felt like a fish, mouth gaping open. "Sure?"
Ian smiled. "Close your mouth, you might catch flies." He turned, "Meet me in my room in half an hour."
Her phone dinged and she looked down to see it was Atticus, and it wasn't good news either.
Jonah texted me asking about you.
WHAT?
I told him you missed him.
Natalie felt she was going to cry. She did miss Jonah. She missed the way she used to text, even though half the time he left her unread. They didn't actually talk that much in person, he was too shy.
Why did you tell him that?
Because. Every since he's left there's been something off. I mean, it makes sense that you would miss him.
Natalie had confided in Atticus that she and Jonah had made out a few times, but he didn't know the full extent of what had happened.
I do miss him. She texted, suddenly realizing she wanted to tell Atticus the truth. I miss him more than I've ever missed anyone in my life. But there's a problem. I might be pregnant, and he doesn't care.
Atticus' response was exactly what she expected. WHAT?
And suddenly the tears were coming and she was dialing his number and begging him to come over. She was still standing in her doorway, still in her shoes and coat, as tears poured down her cheeks.
Ian was suddenly back at the top of the stairs. "Are you ok?" He asked.
Natalie shook her head, tears and snot mixing on her upper lip. "No, no, I'm not." She sobbed, ripping off her coat and shoes and leaving them in a pile on the floor.
She hurried up the stairs, brushing past Ian and bolting towards her room.
Atticus arrived half an hour later, his face a mask of concern. Natalie pulled herself from the floor and fled to the comfort of his arms and as his scrawny body held her close to him, she sobbed for yet the thousandth time that month.
"What happened?"
Natalie was crying and shaking her head. "I loved him so much. So so much, Atticus, you don't even know." She stopped and looked up at him, met his eyes through his dirty glasses. "And I gave myself away. And he doesn't care. He left. He just left."
Atticus had nothing to say. There was nothing to say. She had given herself away, lost her virginity to a boy who didn't care. He just held her close as she cried.
Atticus wasn't attractive. His hair was in dreadlocks and his glasses were thick, giving him the appearance of an owl. He was smart, past college and only sixteen, sort of a nerd, but he was Natalie's best friend.
Ian knocked on her door and then entered without waiting for a response. When he saw Natalie sobbing in Atticus' arms, a look flashed across his face that Natalie couldn't read before he quickly cleared it away.
"What are you doing here?" He asked Atticus.
Natalie withdrew herself from Atticus' arms, reluctantly, and shot Atticus a don't-you-dare-tell-anything glance.
"She's just having a bad day." Atticus said, his voice overly calm, despite the tension in the room, both from Natalie's tears and Ian's stiff almost-anger.
"I can handle her." Ian said, his gaze softening a bit as he looked at Natalie. But when he turned back to Atticus there was steel in his amber eyes. "Go home."
Atticus seemed unsure and shuffled nervously. "Um, ok." He looked at Natalie. "I'll talk to you later. It's gonna be ok. I promise."
You can't promise me anything. Natalie thought, but she nodded and gave him a hug goodbye as he walked out.
Ian didn't leave. "Why were you in your room alone with him?" He demanded.
Natalie stared at him. "What do you mean? He's my friend."
"Are you an idiot, Nat?" Ian rolled his eyes. "The boy is madly in love with you, haven't you seen the way he looks at you?"
Natalie shrugged. "He's my best friend." But at Ian's words, a small flutter of something shot through her chest, before it quickly vanished.
"He likes you, Natalie. You need to be careful." Ian turned and stalked out of the room.
Later that evening, Atticus called. "How are you feeling?" He asked, his odd voice tender, and Natalie instantly thought of what Ian had said.
"I'm ok." She said.
"What happened, after I left, with Ian?" Atticus sounded unsure. "I was afraid he was going to get it out of you what happened."
Natalie sighed. "No. He was just mad."
"Why?" Atticus asked. "It's just me."
Natalie swallowed. "Well."
"Well..?"
"Ian thinks you like me." Natalie blurted. "He didn't like that you and I were alone in my room."
There was a long silence. A very long awkward silence while Natalie suddenly wondered if what Ian had said was true. "Atticus?"
Atticus cleared his throat. "I, uh, didn't want you to know."
Natalie's heart beat picked up. "Know what?" She demanded, even though she already knew the answer.
"I like you." Atticus said. "Dude, I like you a lot."
"Oh." Natalie said, unsure of how she should respond.
And then the topic was suddenly changed and they were laughing and joking just like they always did, but there was something different.
Natalie noticed Atticus, was suddenly of how funny and sweet he was, how he made sure she was ok, how he loved her, even after finding out what had happened with Jonah.
* * *
She didn't know it was possible, but they got closer. As time passed suddenly she was texting Atticus constantly and they were flirting and laughing. Atticus didn't bother to hide the fact that he was madly in love with her.
"I have a flame." He said one day over the phone.
"Oh?" Natalie said, laughing. "A flame as in-your life is falling apart and burning?"
Atticus laughed. "No, no doofus. A flame. As in, every time I see a certain someone part of my heart lights on fire because I love her so much."
Natalie was flattered, very flattered and suddenly she burst out. "I have a flame too."
Atticus was right on it. "It's Cody, isn't it?"
Cody was grubby and gross and fat. "Ew!" Natalie said. "It's not Cody."
"Well? Then who is it?" Atticus asked, and suddenly the joking was gone and the moment was serious. The weight of every second hung in the air like fog and Natalie was speaking.
"I have a flame too. I have a flame for the boy who's held me when I cried and made me laugh every day, who loves me despite everything... his name is Atticus."
There was a clatter, and then Atticus' sheepish voice. "I, uh, dropped my phone. Never never never in my life did I imagine I would hear you say that."
Natalie smiled and joy, sheer joy, shiny like the sun, flooded her heart and soul and shone out in her eyes. She wanted to dance and kiss someone... preferably Atticus.
Then she laughed, surprised that she'd even had the thought that she wanted to kiss Atticus.
* * *
With every day that passed, Natalie fell more and more in love with Atticus. There was something about him that drew her to him, and she found herself desperate and lonely when he was gone.
But she still hadn't forgotten Jonah. Mostly because she hadn't gotten her period yet, and it weighed on her constantly.
How was she falling in love with someone else, even as she was possibly pregnant with someone else's child?
Despite Atticus, the oxytocin in her system was still there, and sometimes she woke up, despressed, angry, lonely and bitter because she missed her Jonah.
She remembered the first time they'd kissed, a desperate sloppy mess of tongue and lips and spit under a tree outside her father's office building.
He'd been her first kiss, just like she'd been his, and he'd been sure of what to do that finally, out of sheer sexual frustration, she'd stepped forward and united her lips with his in sheering heat and passion.
She remembered the way his hands had awkwardly groped her, sending thrills of something to her lower stomach where they'd pooled, a warm tumor of liquid begging to be released.
They'd stolen kisses and make-out sessions here and there and each time his hands groped her deeper and rougher until she'd realized that they werent' going to stop until they'd gone all the way.
He'd shoved her down once, made her suck him off, and she felt abused, but she'd brushed it off, because it was Jonah and he loved her, he'd told her so.
* * *
Atticus asked her out, asked her to be his and she said yes. They spent almost every waking minute together, and Atticus didn't touch her, thankfully. She was too scared, too hurt, and he knew it and respected it and she loved him for it.
But there was a sexual tension there that she was dying to release, sometimes she wanted to lean over and kiss him for all he was worth.
Isabel, her mother, announced that she was going to America for the summer. Natalie didn't want to go, she didn't want to leave Atticus, but her mother insisted.
And so Natalie was packed up and sent to go off to a tiny little town in Massechusetts called Attleboro.
Natalie was irritated because if someone was going to go to America they should at least go somewhere fancy, such as New York, or Seattle or Chicago.. but no she was going to Attleboro, to live with a family called Cahill.
"They probably live in a dugout in a hill." Natalie had remarked to Atticus, which had made him laugh, and she'd been proud that she'd made him laugh, but there was still an underlying hint of sadness. She was leaving. For a whole three months. And she would only see Atticus once, when she and her host family came to England for a weekend.
Hugging Atticus under a tree, she sobbed her goodbye, and made her way to the car that would take her to the airport.
She wasn't crying because she was leaving. Natalie didn't care where she lived, her family was just her family-they didn't really care about her. She could live without seeing Atticus every day, she knew he loved and they could call and text like they'd been doing.
No, she was crying, because there was a sense of gloom that hung over like a rain cloud ready to burst. Somehow, she knew that when she came back everything would be different.
* * *
Natalie had a lot of time to think on the plane. A lot. For one thing, she still hadn't got her period. For another, she realized what an idiot she'd been.
Jonah had used her, sensed her loneliness and took advantage of it. He'd played her, took what he wanted, and left.
He was probably fine, while she was here suffering the consequences of their mistake. Or mistakes, depending on how one looked at it.
The Cahill family met her at the Boston airport. There was only three of them, Grace, the grandmother, and her two grandchildren, Amy and Dan.
Amy was crusty. She wore jeans and T-shirt and worn converse. That was it. No make up, no hair curled, not a single thing to add to her plain self.
Natalie felt almost like she was over doing it with her little bit of foundation and mascara.
Dan was a different story. He was the type of guy she and friends would have, at one time, obsessed over. He was a hunk, strong and handsome. His shaggy brown hair flopped over innocent eyes and she couldn't help but think to herself Oh no.
The drive to Attleboro took forever and Natalie thought it was odd that anyone would want to live so far away from civilization.
Why, she even saw cows!
Amy and Dan argued most of the way there and Grace smiled at them fondly, but made no effort to shut them up.
It was going to a long three months, Natalie mused, and she pulled out her phone to text Atticus.
At least she'd have someone to text. She was going to need Atticus a lot.
Thankfully, it was a real mansion that the Cahills lived in, complete with a long winding driveway and seemingly endless estate property of rolling hills and meadows and forest.
* * *
It was hard to call Atticus. They'd both forgotten about the major time change. It seemed that when she was awake, he was sleeping, and vice versa.
Natalie found herself spending plenty of time wandering the grounds.
Grace was a real character. Some days she wouldn't get out of bed till noon, other days she would be up at three o' clock in the morning, baking cookies and brownies and anything else she desired.
She let Amy and Dan do almost whatever they want. Amy preferred to spend her time reading thick, boring books with long words and tiny print, while Dan seemed to enjoy being irritating and loud and noisy and destructive.
One day, in the woods, in the peaceful quiet, it happened. What she'd been waiting for for a month and a half. She felt a warm, peaceful gush between her legs, and froze stock-still, suddenly worrying that her mind was so desperate to not be pregnant that it was playing tricks on her.
She coughed, tightening her abdominal muscles, and there it was again, a sticky gush of something.
Natalie ran back to the house, her heart pounding and tears blurring her vision. If wasn't what she hoped it was...
It was. A bloody stain reddened her underwear and she laughed and cried for the joy of it. Never had she so enthusistically inserted a tampon. She didn't take any pain medication either, she wanted to enjoy the painful cramps as they reminded her over and over again that she wasn't pregnant.
She sat outside her room, dialing Atticus, and then she remembered. He was sleeping. It was nighttime in England.
So she had to content herself to send a quick text message and then she sat and cried.
She wasn't exactly sure why, it was probably relief. But part of her wondered if it was because her last link to Jonah was gone. Without that baby, she had no connection to Jonah. And she hated herself for wishing, just a little bit, that there was a baby.
* * *
Atticus' response to her OMG I GOT MY PERIOD text made her smile the next morning, but the smile vanished as she realized that he was at work right now, because, since she'd stayed up too late last night crying, she'd missed their time to call and talk.
Natalie had been there three weeks. Things were slowly getting better with the Cahills. She'd actually given Grace a hug goodnight a few weeks back, and she and Amy found they actually had a little bit to talk about.
And Dan was fun. Sometimes he accompanied her on her long walks through the forest, and they threw sticks at the squirrels and climbed the trees and swam in the pond.
Natalie was surprised she was being such a tomboy, but Dan brought it out in her, made her laugh at her feeble attempts to be not-girly, as he put it.
But there was a problem.
The days seemed to slip past quickly, and she began spending more and more of her time with Dan, and the days when she called Atticus became less and less.
The halfway mark approached quickly, when she and her host family would be going back to Europe to meet her family.
Why the Cahills and her family had to meet, Natalie didn't know, but she was happy to be going home.
Sort of.
She spoke of Atticus often, as her boyfriend. Did she really want Dan to see her boyfriend, in all his dreads and owl-eye glasses glory?
The thought made her squirm uncomfortably and she began to think of reasons why they didn't have to go to England.
But nothing worked, and soon they were on the plane back to England.
The whole way there, she and Dan sat next to each other, and Dan mimicked her British accent the whole there, and Natalie didn't have the heart to tell him that his American accent was just as horrible as her British.
* * *
Natalie didn't miss her family at all. The meeting was stiff and formal, and she gave them each an awkward hug.
Ian nodded awkwardly at Dan, but his gaze was on Amy the whole time and Natalie rolled her eyes. What did he see in the auburn haired dork from America?
It was Atticus she (sort of) wanted to see. He came running to her and she hugged him quickly before drawing back, shyly, because she was worried about what Dan would think.
They gave Dan and Amy rooms next to Natalie's, so she could take care of them. But Natalie was mostly happy that she and Dan were so close to each other.
At Grace's house, they were in opposite wings. She had been in Dan's room once, when Amy wanted him and didn't want to go get him herself.
Natalie lay in her own bed, deep in thought, and then she sat up, slipped on her robe, and snuck down to the kitchen.
She'd done it a lot, sneaking through the quiet hallways and vast libraries to get to the kitchen, where there were usually several servants working.
But it was night and it was quiet and she liked to make herself a cup of tea to calm her nerves before slipping back to bed.
Picking up the kettle, she watched the water level slowly rise as she filled it with water from the sink. Then she placed it on the stove and sat down on the floor to listen to the quiet ticking of the clock and the creaking of the house as she waited for her water to boil.
But tonight the creaking of the house was different. There were footsteps and then a shy Dan peeked his head into the kitchen.
"Whatcha doing?" He asked, seemingly embarrassed as he shuffled from foot to foot.
Natalie should have been mad that he'd interrupted her, but she wasn't. "I make tea sometimes." She said. "You should try some, it's a lot better than the junk you Americans call tea."
Dan pretended to be hurt. "Don't insult my country!"
Natalie shrugged. "Then don't insult mine and we'll call it even."
Dan smiled, or at least, Natalie thought he smiled, it was rather dark. He walked over and sat down next to her in the quiet kitchen, just listening, and she closed her eyes and listened too, until the shrill whistle of the tea kettle awoke her.
"Won't someone hear that?" Dan asked, suddenly looking nervous.
Natalie shook her head, slowing pouring water into the already prepared cups. "No. I do this all the time they don't hear a thing."
"Oh." Dan said, taking his cup and setting it down on the floor next to him. Natalie left hers on the counter and stood up, walking to the sink where there was a window that overlooked the grounds.
"Dan, Dan, c'mere!"
He stood up, walking over to see what was going on.
"Look!" She gestured, happily, to the moon. It was round and full with a yellow tint to the gray-whiteness of its glowing surface.
"It's beautiful." Dan said. "I guess even though our homelands are separated by an ocean, we still look at the same moon."
The way he said separated by an ocean suddenly made Natalie said. She thought of how fast the time at the Cahills had already gone, and how fast it would continue to go.
Soon she would be back in England, boring old England, and Dan would be in America.
Her phone chimed and she picked it up, expecting maybe a late-night text from Atticus.
Instead, the name chilled her and she sank to the floor, tears welling up in her eyes.
Are you pregnant or not you never told me?
It was from Jonah.
Dan looked at her, saw her stricken face. "Oh my god, Natalie, is everything ok?"
Natalie was suddenly sobbing. She wanted Dan to know what had happened. She wanted Dan to comfort her. She didn't want anything from Atticus. She just wanted Dan's comfort and so she spilled the whole story, sobbing as she told Dan what Jonah had done to her.
Dan was sitting on the floor next to her and she waited for him to wrap her in his arms, but he didn't.
Instead he tipped her chin up and forced her teary gaze to meet his. His eyes spoke of strength and hope. "Listen to me." He said. "Your body is beautiful and it's valuable you can't go giving it away to any dick who asks for it."
Natalie wanted to cry again, even though she was already crying, and she also wanted to throw something.
"That being said, everyone makes mistakes. You're gonna be ok." Dan's brown eyes met her golden orbs and, for one second, he pressed his forehead against hers. "It's gonna be ok."
Then he pulled away and took a sip of his tea. "Bon appetit!" He said.
Natalie was suddenly laughing through her tears. "That's French, you uneducated pampered American idiot!"
* * *
She woke up the next morning in her bed, remembering that today she was flying back to the States, and a thrill shot through her.
Then she remembered last night and something icy shuddered its way down her back as she realized. I think I'm falling in love with Dan.
She cared, but at the same time she didn't. A giddy realization flooded her and she flung herself out of bed, eager to be back on the plane, back in Massachusetts, where laughter seemed to grow as easily as dandelions in the mystical magic that was the Cahills estate.
Her phone rang, it was a call from Atticus and she picked it up, laughing. "Good morning Atticus!"
"Good morning Natalie. How are you?"
"I'm excited to go back, not gonna lie." Natalie said, and then as an afterthought. "I'm going to miss you though."
"I missed you so much while you were gone." Atticus said. "Seeing you again was like a dream come true."
Natalie smiled. "You're the best."
"I know ."
She could picture him now, probably shirtless on his bed, grinning like an idiot. "You're so conceited."
Atticus laughed. "What are you doing today?"
And so they made plans to go on a "date" by walking through her estate. It wouldn't be very long, no more than fifteen minutes, because her mother had arranged for her to show the Cahills around London.
When he came, she went out to see him, and gave him a real hug. He was so scrawny, nothing like the built Dan, and she found herself oddly disappointed.
Natalie shrugged it off and decided to focus instead on the perfect date they were supposed to be having instead of thinking about Dan.
They walked under the trees, talking softly. The sun cast dappled shadows on the ground and the air was sweet with the dry scent of summer, of pine needles and drying grass.
Atticus stopped suddenly under a pine tree. Natalie turned to see him. "What? Why'd you stop?"
Atticus swallowed, she saw his Adam's apple bob in his throat. "Can I... Can I kiss you?"
Natalie opened her mouth and then shut it. Dan's face flashed across her mind and her palms were suddenly sweaty and her knees weak. A deep secret part of her began to pound, but she shook her head, trying to feign terror. "I... I can't." She buried her face in her palms.
Atticus stepped forward and wrapped her arms around her shaking body. "It's ok, Natalie. It's ok. I shouldn't have asked."
They walked back in silence.
* * *
Their hug goodbye was awkward, and Natalie clung to him, the same sense of gloom hovering over her again as she realized that last time she had been right, things weren't the same, and they would probably be different again when she came back.
She looked back at Atticus as she climbed into the taxi after Amy, and he looked so lost, so forlorn, and for half a second, she found herself wondering if that's what she had looked like, on the day Jonah left, as she watched his plane soar into the air, watched him disappear from her life like mist evaporated by the sun.
As soon as the car pulled away from her house, Natalie suddenly felt better again. She forced Atticus out of her mind and chattered away to Dan and Amy like there was nothing worrying her, like she wasn't considering breaking up with her boyfriend at all.
The plane ride back was even better. She and Dan flirted madly the whole time and their arms were constantly touching. Dan's smallest touch made her happy, sent a thrill down her spine and made her feel like she riding a roller coaster of happiness, but a coaster where the happiness never fell.
She fell asleep on Dan's shoulder and when she woke up, she pretended to be embarrased, pretended that she wasn't secretly gloating by the fact that her face had been on Dan's shoulder for however long she had been sleeping.
Natalie was happy to be back. She had felt like a stranger in her own home, and the Cahills felt like family.
If she had had to choose between her real family and her host family, at this point she would have chosen the Cahills.
The Cahills were happy and laughing all the time, while her family was gloomy and despondant, worrying about the stock market constantly, while the Cahills biggest worry seemed to be whether or not there was going to be enough sugar for the next batch of cookies.
Natalie loved the freedom of being rich, but not caring about the riches. She wanted what the Cahills had, and while she was living with them, she felt like she truly had it.
* * *
He's kissing her, groping her in ways that make her shudder. His finger slides in her body and she arches her back, pressing her lips harder against him, wishing for him to stay with her forever.
And then his hands are sliding up her stomach and removing her shirt and sliding around back to unclasp her bra.
The cold night air is harsh against her skin, but his hands leave behind goosebumps.
He hasn't asked anything, but she's given it to him anyway, and suddenly, she's standing naked before him.
His eyes roam over her body, greedily, and shyness wraps around her and she wants to die. Sinking down to the floor, she pulls her knees up in front of her chest, wishing that he would stop looking at like an object, rather than a human being.
Then suddenly he's taking off his pants and his shirt and his underwear until he stands naked before her. He's taking a condom out of the pocket of his jeans and Natalie suddenly feels sick that he had the foresight to bring one.
How long had he been carrying that around?
"You're going to leave..." She let it trail off.
"I know." He says, taking off the wrapper and sliding the protection over his length.
"I don't know if this is a good idea."
He looks up at her, his gaze suddenly so sharp that she wants to shrink. "It's not a good idea. But I want to do it. Don't you?"
Natalie stares at him, all of him, and suddenly she wants him so bad she's shaking. "Yes. I do."
He shoves her roughly to the ground, but there's a tenderness in his eyes that balances out the rough act.
But then he's inside her, and moving, fast and it hurts and it tears and she's crying out and that's when she realizes that she doesn't want this.
His eyes are closed in an animalistic passion and disgust biles up from her stomach and she wants him to stop... to stop right now.
And then he's kissing her, his tongue is in her mouth and she closes her eyes and lets him keep going, even though she wants nothing more than to tell him to stop and get out of my room right now Jonah before I call my father...
It still hurts, it's not getting better and she doesn't want it...
He stops, and pulls out, looks down, and the horror on his face is enough to tell her...
* * *
Natalie woke up sweating. Her hair was stuck to her face in damp strands that clung to her skin. She hadn't had this dream for a long time, and her first instinct was to reach over and call Atticus.
But of course, he was sleeping. Irritation flooded her. Where was he when she needed him?
Instantly she realized how stupid she was to think that. Atticus had always dropped everything to talk to her. He'd been there for her when her uncle Allistair had raped her, or when her mother's drunk friend Irina had choked her when she'd brought her the wrong drink.
The worst part had been that her own drunk mother had just laughed. Ever since then, Natalie had begun to refer to her mother as just "Isabel."
Ever since her lonely twelve year old self had met fourteen year old Atticus, he'd been there for her. Every step of the way.
It was wrong of her to be irritated that he couldn't be there just one time, but she didn't care and she wanted to scream.
Sweat pooled in her armpits and her heart beat hadn't slowed down. Natalie sat up, rolling out of bed with a flustered sigh. It was tea time.
Except that American tea was horrid.
But she would have to make do with what she had. When one was in dire need of chocolate, there was no complaint if the chocolate wasn't top quality. Tea was the same way.
She slipped on a plush robe and opened her door, peering out into the hallway. No one had forbidden her from coming out of her room at night, but it still felt like a crime.
The hallways were dark and gloomy and every shadow was sinister, taking the shapes of people Natalie never wanted to see again.
Except of course, for Jonah.
Sometimes she still wanted to see Jonah again. Despite the way he'd treated her, like an animal or a toy to be used and tossed aside, she still treasured the moments they'd spent together.
The times he'd actually been in a decent enough mood to listen when she spoke. The time they went swimming in her estate's small pond. The times they laughed.
The one time he'd held her close as though she was his girl, not just his sex toy.
But of course there were the times he'd fought with her, getting angry at her for no reason. The times he'd screamed at her that she was worthless, that she wasn't worth a single cent. The time he slapped her so hard she was sent reeling into the wall, a million lights dancing before her eyes.
Natalie shook the memories away as she reached the kitchen. There was no fancy tea kettle or cups here, save for the ones Grace kept in her cupboard, but Natalie didn't want to risk unlocking the cabinet to get a cup.
She would make do with the heavy crockery-like mugs that all Americans seemed to fond of using.
As the water heated, she slipped out a tea bag and placed it in her cup, mindlessly shredding the packet.
Just then, Amy stuck her head into the kitchen. "What are you doing up?" She asked, and Natalie jumped.
She wasn't sure why, but it still felt like a crime to be here. "Uh.. I just wanted some tea."
Amy smiled. "You're so cute."
Natalie admired Amy. She bounced around in T-shirts from Gad or Gaf or Gap or whatever it was called and her jeans weren't anywhere near designer. Yet there was a quiet confidence about her that Natalie wished she could have.
Natalie had seen pictures of herself in public, pictures the overly-eager paparazzi had snapped of her on the rare occasions their whole family was together in public.
Her head was always dipped, shyly, and she looked up at the world with hesitant eyes, as though she was afraid to show her face. A curtain of hair always fell across her face, and Isabel was always telling her to "straighten up and look proud, you're a Kabra, not some peasant!"
Amy busied herself, opening cupboards and rummaging around. "Ahaha!" She said at last. "I love hot chocolate." Amy sounded apologetic and Natalie wasn't sure what to do so she laughed awkwardly, hoping Amy wasn't expecting a response.
Hot chocolate packet in hand, Amy plopped down heavily next to Natalie. There was a long silence, in which Natalie desperately tried to think of something to say.
Finally, Amy sighed and spoke, almost regretfully, as if every word pained her. "Do your parents hit you?"
Despite the sorrowful way Amy had asked, it shocked Natalie and she stiffened. Of course her parents had hit her. They hit her all the time, sometimes for seemingly no reason.
"No." She lied. "Why?"
Amy sighed again. "I saw the way you stiffened whenever they walked by you or touched you or said something you. That's not normal."
Natalie gulped. She didn't want Amy to know the full extent of what her parents were capable of. She'd seen Isbabel kill a man, one of the Tomas. It was an accident of course, she shouldn't have been in that wing of the house, but she had still seen it. She would never forget the terror on the man's face as Isabel choked him, nor could she forget the cool nonchalance on Isabel's face as she walked away, muttering to herself about files.
It was hard sometimes, to hold it all in. Atticus knew of the abuse her parents inflicted on her, but she'd never told him about the man she watched her mother murder.
She looked at Amy. "We're an old family," she said at last, "we Cahills have a lot of secrets."
Amy nodded knowingly. "That we do." Then she looked at Natalie closer. "Do you know why I live with Grace?"
The question startled Natalie. "No?"
Amy laughed, but it was a chilling laugh that surprised Natalie. She hadn't expected Amy to be capable of so evil a noise. "Grace is my grandmother. I live with Grace because my parents died in a fire."
"Oh." Natalie said. "I'm sorry." She wasn't sure how to respond. Should she hug the girl, or say something soothing?
Amy leaned in closer. "Did you know your mother started that fire?"
* * *
Natalie didn't sleep that night. Or the next. Instead, she stumbled about the place, wearily trying to dodge Amy and her knowing smile.
Dan seemed confused and lost, like a lonely puppy and Natalie wanted to run to him, but she couldn't.
How could she talk to the children her mother had deprived of their parents?
For a whole week, she avoided everyone, until at last Dan confronted her as she was slipping into her room after a meal.
"Why are you ignoring me?" He demanded.
Natalie swallowed, unsure how to answer. "I... It's not important."
Dan's eyes narrowed. "Right. Obviously it's important enough that you're avoiding me. I don't have the plague, Natalie."
The way he said her name caught her off guard, and she softened. There was something tender and pleading in the way his lips uttered "Natalie."
"Amy told me about my mom." She said at last.
Dan blinked. "Oh."
"How can you look at me, let alone live with me? Why haven't you killed me to get back at my mother?" She exploded, tears running down her face. "Why, Dan, why?"
Dan was quiet for a long moment, staring down at the floor. When he looked up at her, his eyes were soft. "It was hard, at first." He admitted. "But I don't want to hurt such a beautiful girl."
He turned and walked away, and Natalie stood frozen to the floor, the last two words Dan had uttered playing on repeat in her head over and over again.
Beautiful girl.
* * *
The summer was almost over, the heat slowly began to be replaced by a chill that meant it was time for Natalie to return to England.
Every day that passed meant she was closer to returning to her family and she hated the thought.
She loved the Cahills, despite all their oddities. Despite the fact that her mother had murdered their mother.
After that one night in the kitchen, Amy had returned to her normal self, and Natalie had chosen to let it slide.
There was nothing she could do about it. The past was in the past and if Amy could live with it, so could she.
Natalie and Dan continued their walks in the forest. The leaves crunched under their feet now, a colorful sign that it was almost time to leave.
Natalie looked up Dan, saw the sun like a halo behind his head, and realized she was in love with him.
She still talked to Atticus, but it was hard to find a time that worked for both of them. More and more she found herself turning to Dan with her little problems and perplexities and he didn't push her away.
"I'm leaving in three days." Natalie blurted.
Dan looked at her. "I know."
Natalie squinted up at him. "What do you mean, you know? That's it? You're not sad that I'm leaving?"
Dan squirmed uncomfortably. "Are you sad to be leaving?"
Natalie bit her lip. "Yes. And answer my question."
Dan was silent for a long time, as if he was afraid. "Yes. I am." He said. "I'm going to miss you, my beautiful Natalie."
And then he was pulling her in close for a hug and tilting her chin up until her eyes met his. Her heartbeat picked up and she was struck with the sudden desire to kiss him forever.
She leaned forward and pressed their lips together. His mouth was sweet and his tongue prodded hers gently. It was so unlike the despate, angry, unforgiving kisses of Jonah that Natalie was almost shocked.
It was like a first kiss all over again.
When they pulled apart, Dan burst out, "My god Natalie what am I going to do when you're gone?"
Natalie looked up at him and said weakly, "I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do either."
* * *
Tears poured out of her eyes like waterfalls. Natalie didn't want to go home. She would rather dress like Amy at a fancy banquet than go home. She'd rather eat spiders and drink crawfish guts (as Dan would say) than go back home.
They'd already gotten several annoyed looks. Even Grace and Amy were crying, but Grace was starting to look a little agitated.
The airport was crowded and noisy already, and Natalie's sobs weren't helping anything.
Last time she had flown to England Dan had been by her side. She hadn't wanted to go back even then, but at least Dan had been with her.
Now she was going back alone, to face whatever problems there was going to be when she got back.
Like Atticus. She didn't know if she loved him anymore. But then again she wasn't even sure she knew what love was.
Her parents said they loved her, but they beat her. Her brother said he loved her, but she talked to him about as much as she talked to a tree. Jonah said he loved her, but he used her for her body and then left.
She wanted to go die in a hole, in a deep, dark place where no one would find her. Except that she didn't want to die and she didn't want to be alone. She wanted love and comfort, but she didn't know how to find it.
"Flight 359 now boarding."
Natalie shrieked into Dan's sweater and spit poured out of her mouth at her cry. It was time, it was really time to go.
"One last group hug!" Grace announced cheerily and the Cahills wrapped themselves around Natalie.
"Last call for Flight 359!"
Natalie pulled away from Dan's strong arms, felt her body pressed against his for what was going to be the last time for a long time, if not the last time forever.
"Wait!" Dan said, grabbing her arm and pulling her back. He grabbed her face and pressed his lips against hers, kissing her passionately. "It's gonna be ok." He said when he released her. "Now go!"
With the taste of Dan still in her mouth, she headed towards the plane.
When she turned and looked back, Dan was still watching her.
She wondered if that's what she would have looked like, lost and empty, had Jonah bothered to turn around when he left.
* * *
Atticus was waiting for her at the other end of her flight, and as she ran into his arms, a sense of guilt flashed through her as she thought of the boy she had left behind at the other end.
Dan loved her just as did Atticus. Atticus' arms were familar and she buried her face in his chest.
"Are you ok?" Atticus asked.
Natalie shook her head. "I don't wanna go home."
Atticus' face was sympathetic, but he sounded happy. "I'm sorry. I'm glad you're home though."
Natalie tried to tell herself that it was because Atticus had missed her, but she felt horrible and she didn't want to be home, and so she allowed irritation to creep in.
Her throat stung with a tumor of tears and she sniffled. "I wanna go home."
Atticus cocked his head quizzically. "You just said three seconds ago you didn't want to go home!" A small burst of laughter escaped his lips and Natalie glared at him.
He stopped laughing. "I'll drive you home."
Natalie froze. "My parents didn't bother to come pick me up?" She couldn't stop the sarcastic edge. "Wow how thoughtful of them. Please someone give them a parent of the year award."
It was such a Dan-line and a twinge of sorrow pierced her heart. God, she was going to miss him. And it had barely been eight hours since she'd seen him last.
She was tired and wanted to go home to her bed. She wanted to sleep forever. Perhaps if she slept, she would forget all her troubles.
* * *
Atticus didn't come around much anymore. Natalie told him not to. She didn't like him being there constantly, a reminder to her old self.
Before she'd gone to America, she'd been a shy, timid thing that could barely speak out loud. Yes, she could say a lot of things over text, but in person, she was horrid, except for with Atticus.
But she didn't like Atticus constantly reminding her that she'd changed. It irritated her, made her wish she could go back to America, back to Dan, and then she wanted to cry.
Seeing him at school was awkward. They were still in the same friend group, and it was almost as if their friend group was divided down the middle-those who liked Atticus and those who liked Natalie.
Sometimes she found herself staring at him, wishing that they could go back to the way they were before. When laughter was second to breathing, when being next to Atticus was natural and comforting.
Now, if they were left alone in a room, it seemed too small and stuffy and suddenly both of them remembered something they had to do.
Natalie caught him staring at her, often, but she was guilty of the same thing. She missed him... missed the way they'd been before.
Suddenly she didn't have anyone to talk.
Dan called her all the time, but most of the time she was awake he was sleeping and vice versa. She missed the constant support she received from Atticus.
Finally, one day, on an act of sheer impulse, she picked up her phone and began to type out a text.
Hi Atticus. I guess.. I guess I've changed a lot. And so have you. We've both changed. But I still like you I still want to be friends.. and maybe a little more than friends. Can we... can we start over?
Her finger hovered, quaking, over the send button for a long moment. If she sent it, would she be betraying Dan? She felt like she would be, even though they weren't even dating.
Natalie was still dating Atticus. They hadn't broken up. Sucking in a breath, she hit send, and immediately turned her phone off.
Her room seemed suddenly small and stuffy and fresh air had never sounded better. She went outside, embracing the crisp air on her cheeks. The air was sweet, with a hint of decay as the fallen leaves rotted under the trees.
Natalie stood in her front yard for a long time, thinking of Dan, of happy memories, and of Atticus, and the happy memories they too shared.
It seemed that she was torn between the two of them. And she'd been home for barely a month.
* * *
Soon snow fell on the streets of London, and the cobblestone sidewalks were covered in a freezing slushy mess that disgusted Natalie.
Dan sent her pictures of the fluffy blanket of snow that covered the grounds of the Cahill in Massachusetts. She loved the way it was so clean, with nary a footprint except for a stray rabbit or deer.
The snow in Dan's pictures also covered the tree branches, as if the snow was trying to make up for the loss of the leaves.
In London, the snow was gray and dirty and if there was more than an inch of snow, it was muddled with dirty footprints and ash.
Atticus still hadn't replied to her text.
There was still tension between them, like a block of ice. They hadn't talked in over a month now but they hadn't officially broken up.
Natalie wasn't sure what to do about it... but she knew that she needed to talk to him. In person.
So the next time she saw him, heading forlornly home by himself from school, she sprang forward, running after him, kicking up slushy snow behind her. "Atticus!"
He turned, meeting her gaze, bewildered innocence in his face. "What's up?" He sounded so unconcerned, as if he hadn't left her unread for over a month and Natalie felt her motivation beginning to slip away.
"I ... I need to talk to you." She said, swallowing. "Why didn't you answer my text?"
Atticus blinked behind his glasses. "I... I didn't know what to say."
"Why not?" Natalie demanded, anger flooding through her.
Atticus shook his head. "I... I don't know. Like..." He took a deep breath, as if he needed air to make everything better.
"Why?" Natalie demanded again, irritated at the slowness of his response. "Just tell me." She gritted her teeth.
Atticus laughed, a little bit. "Don't go all bear on me, I'm trying to think how to say this."
Natalie let a small smile cross her lips. "Well hurry up."
Atticus sighed. "Ok. I... It's so hard, Natalie. I wish things were the way before. When we used to talk all night, and when we werent' afraid to say I love you and when you didn't... treat me like you don't know who I am. You've changed, and I don't know how to deal with it."
Natalie stared at Atticus. "I miss saying I love you too and I miss talking all night. But.. but I thought you were the one who was snubbing me. I want to go back to the way we were before too."
Atticus stared at her for a long moment, as if doubting her sincerity.
Desperation washed over, made her stomach churn and feel sick. She wanted Atticus so badly. "Please." She added.
Atticus nodded. "Ok."
Natalie flung her arms around Atticus and he awkwardly hugged her back, but it was enough to be back in his arms. Even if it was just for today.
Dan's calls became less and less frequent, but that was because Grace didn't allow him to call her until he had done all of his homework, and, seeing how Amy and Dan went to a fancy school, there was a lot of work.
Natalie hated it, she missed hearing Dan's voice, but at least she had Atticus. She told Dan that she had broken up with Atticus. In response, Dan had asked her to be his girlfriend, despite the distance, and she had agreed.
Atticus knew, and if he cared, she wasn't sure. Natalie was sure he did care a little bit, but he was so happy to have her back that he didn't let it show.
Natalie and Atticus spent every waking second together. Before, Natalie had been embarrassed to hang out with Atticus, in all his awkward glory. But now she didn't care. He was hers and people could judge her if they wished.
There was a horrible sense of doom though, in her relationship with Atticus, a gloomy sense of finality that when this ended it wouldn't restart.
But she chose to ignore it. Because she needed Atticus.
Isabel hit her often now, and it seemed Natalie couldn't do anything right. Often she escaped to her room in a dizzying whirlwind of tears and called Atticus, who was always there.
She just needed support, and Atticus gave her the support she needed.
Christmas was over, and it was New Year's Eve. Dan had called her a lot over Christmas break, and he'd even been sweet enough to send a package for her-an expensive Gucci bag that she already had, but she didn't care to tell him that.
She'd thanked him warmly, and told him she missed him and loved him, and why didn't he come back to London?
Atticus hadn't got her anything, but she didn't need anything from him. His love was enough, and she knew she had that.
They still didn't say "I love you." Natalie was waiting for Atticus to say it first, but he hadn't. And so she refused to say it as well. There was no point, because she didn't want to have to say it, and have him not say it back.
It was New Year's Eve, and Isabel Kabra didn't stop until she was sure she had thrown the biggest and best New Year's Party in all of London... maybe even all of England.
Atticus was there, of course, the Rosenblooms were very well-known scholars and for them to be somewhere else would be a crying shame to Isabel's name.
Natalie and Atticus stood by the drink table, waiting eagerly for midnight, although they weren't sure why. So they could go home?
Natalie wondered if he would kiss her at midnight. She found herself staring at his lips often, but she wasn't sure how to ask him to kiss her. She wasn't sure she had enough guts to do it.
Atticus poured Natalie a cup of wine and she took it eagerly and downed the glass, wanting the burning liquid to numb her senses. Why not start the New Year drunk? What was there to even live for? It seemed all she did was sob to Atticus about her problems anyway.
They walked away from the table in silence. Natalie found the dull murmur of the crowd irritating, and suggested to Atticus that they go outside.
It would be helpful, perhaps, for her plan, if they were away from people. She wanted Atticus to kiss her so badly.
She remembered the mind-numbing effect that had washed over her when Jonah had kissed her. There had been nothing but his lips, her problems were forgotten.
And she wanted Atticus to do that for her.
She was still holding the half-empty glass of wine when they stepped into the library, where it was peaceful. It smelled of old pages and ink, and there was a musty calmness about the place that relaxed her. Or maybe it was the wine. Either way, she liked this place and wanted to stay there forever.
As long as Atticus was with her, that is.
There was ten minutes till midnight, to a New Year, to a new start, to a fresh slate. But Natalie didn't want to wait for a fresh slate.
"Kiss me." She demanded, turning to Atticus and putting on her best pout, although she was sure she wasn't very convincing. Jonah had made her send nudes, and she could never get her face quite right, at least for her standards.
Atticus looked at her for a long moment. "But I.. but I thought... what about Dan?"
"I don't care about Dan." Natalie hissed, stepping closer and pressing her body against Atticus. "Just kiss me."
She tilted her head up to meet Atticus' lips. Instinctively, her arms wrapped around his body. His hand was on the back of her head, pressing her face to his.
She felt his hardness on her stomach and pressed herself closer. "Fuck." She murmured against his mouth and Atticus groaned. His breathing was heavy and he panted like a dog.
"My god." He said. "You don't know how great that was."
Natalie's hair was messed up, she knew it, but she didn't care. "Let's do it again." She said, smashing her lips against his. It was a much messier kiss this time, all lips and slobber and moans.
They didn't even notice when the clock struck midnight, they were too distracted by each other's bodies.
* * *
Her phone rang the next morning, and Natalie, groggy with what was going to become a massive hangover, moaned as she reached for it.
"Hello?" She answered without even looking at the Caller ID.
"Happy New Year baby!" It was Dan, and he sounded so eagerly pleased with himself, that Natalie let herself smile, before guilt flashed through her. Last night she'd spent hours kissing Atticus, and now here she was talking to Dan like everything was ok.
She pushed it away, deciding to focus on it later. It wasn't important now. She had better things to worry about.
Like when she was going to kiss Atticus again.
Her logic was twisted and she knew it but she chose to ignore her conscience and she answere Dan perkily, "Hi Danny!" She purred.
Dan laughed. "You know I hate it when you call me that."
Natalie smiled fondly. "Yeah." It was so good to hear his voice again she'd missed it, the way he said her name, the way he called her baby in that deep, yet unsure voice of his.
"You know what made me sad?"
"What?" Natalie asked, idly playing with a strand of hair, loving Dan's voice, yet thinking of how Atticus' hands had felt cupped around her breasts.
"I didn't get to kiss you at midnight."
Natalie froze. "Yeah." She said, after a moment. It had taken her too long to respond. "That would have been great." She sighed. "Dan, I'm so tired and I drank too much last night. Can I call you back in an hour?"
Dan tried to sound chipper, Natalie would give him credit for that, but disappointment still dripped from his voice. "Yeah baby that'll be just fine."
She hung up the phone and curled back up in bed, worry and doubt clouding her mind. What was she doing?
Natalie remembered, once upon a time, when she and her friends would make fun of the hoes. Now she'd become one of them. Dating two guys at once, and having sexual thoughts towards both of them.
Granted, one of them did live an ocean away, but she still needed to be faithful to one. But the thought of losing either of them made her want to vomit.
"My god," she brought her legs up to her chest, feeling tears prick the back of her eyes, "what have I gotten myself into?"
* * *
Breakfast dishes clattered cheerily and the sun shone in through the big picture window. The Kabra family sat altogether at one table, a very rare occasion. Servants filtered in and out, bringing fresh dishes of the very best foods.
It should have been happy, Natalie thought. They should have been laughing and joking and picking on one another the way they do in the movies. But it wasn't like that.
It wasn't like that at all.
Instead the air was thick and the tension could have been sliced like butter.
Isabel angrily shoveled food into her mouth, shooting poison darts at every member of her family with her eyes.
She was not happy. Why, Natalie had no idea. But she supposed they were to find out.
Isabel sullenly speared a strawberry with her fork and waved it in the air. "Thirteen hundred euros!" She yelled, startling a poor servant girl, who nearly dropped a pitcher of cream. "I lost thirteen hundred euros because some idiot in the Swiss Bank didn't listen to my advice."
Natalie swallowed. This wasn't going to turn out good, she could tell.
Vikram didn't say anything. He never did. He always went out to work, worked hard, and then came back and wanted to relax. And since he couldn't relax with a pouting, screaming wife, he withdrew into the very depths of himself. Vikram was a master at zoning out of scenes like this. He raised his hand and gestured for a servant to refill his tea.
Isabel was still ranting, something about euros and invalids and what-a-bunch-of-bitches-every-last-one-of-them.
Ian didn't say anything either but he looked on the edge of tears. Seeing her brother like that made Natalie want to cry and the back of her eyes stung with tears that threatened to spill.
But she couldn't cry. Not in front of Isabel.
Isabel thought tears were weak, and she would punish Natalie if she saw her crying.
Suddenly was standing up. Here it comes. Natalie thought, and she braced herself.
"This is your fault!" Isabel screamed at Ian and Natalie. "If you hadn't distracted me at home, I wouldn't be out that money. I would have been able to persaude my agent at the Bank to do what I wished. Stupid, spoiled children! I should kill the whole lot of you."
Ian took another bite of lightly buttered toast.
Isabel slammed her fist down next to Ian's plate. "Are you listening to me?" She reached down and grabbed Ian's collar, yanking him to his feet. Isabel was a strong woman and Ian was no match for his mother.
"Yes." Ian said, his voice somehow still respectful.
Isabel searched Ian's face, but it was somehow perfectly placid, as though they were having a conversation about the weather. Natalie didn't know how he did it. Lots of practice, she thought, sadly. Isabel, seething with disgust that there was nothing to find in Ian, dropped him to the floor. Ian sat still where he landed, not daring to draw attention to himself.
Isabel's gaze turned to Natalie and she squirmed, trying to make her face like Ian's, emotionless and as though this was perfectly normal.
Isabel slapped her. Hard. So hard that blood gushed from her nose and her lip split open from the sheer force. She was crying now, bawling like a baby, and Isabel was screaming about how she had weak children.
Something pushed her to the floor, Isabel and something slammed repeatedly into her side, sending jolts of pain throughout her whole body and she was screaming, crying, begging for someone to help her. Isabel kept kicking her.
Ian crawled away. Vikram ate his toast. The servants were no where to be seen.
Natalie was bleeding. Her wrist felt funny, and when she opened her eyes long enough to look at it, she saw that it was bent at an odd angle. Bone stuck through the skin. Now she felt the pain and Isabel still kicked her.
"Help me!" Natalie cried. "Someone help me! Ian! Father!"
Nothing.
"Helpless shrew!" Isabel hissed. "Learn to fight for yourself. You're no daughter of mine."
Isabel's foot connected with Natalie's skull and she blacked out.
* * *
Natalie woke up in the hospital. A very concerned looking Isabel stood over her bed. "Oh look!" She cried. "She's awake! My baby's awake!"
Isabel's hand was on her forehead. "My poor clumsy baby girl." She cooed. "I thought you were going to die after you fell down the stairs." Isabel's words and tone were like honey, but there was menacing ice in her eyes that threatened Natalie not to say a word.
Ian and Vikram stood behind Isabel. There was something that looked like concern in Ian's eyes, but Vikram's face was blank and he was looking at his phone, and then out the window, and then down at his shoes.. anywhere but his daughter.
Natalie felt tears well up behind her eyes and she tried desperately to blink them away. This was her family. And they were strangers.
Fifteen awkward minutes later, in which Isabel play acted that they were a close, happy family whenever a nurse or doctor walked in the room, Natalie feigned being sleepy and Isabel jumped on the opportunity.
"Well," she checked her watch slowly, as if she was reluctant to go, "it's time we head home."
Ian nodded and Vikram turned to the door and began walking that direction. Isabel followed and Ian stood over her bedside for one long moment. He brushed a stray piece of hair out of her eyes and then turned and followed the individuals who had made them, but were not their parents.
As soon as he left the room, a sick sadness was Natalie's only friend. But it was the only constant friend she had ever known.
It was the only thing she had to rely on. Sadness and hurt had always been there, to drag her down and crush her beneath their oppressive weight.
Except.. sometimes, when she talked to Atticus.
She reached for her phone, held it awkwardly with one hand and opened the camera. She was nothing of the girl that she had been yesterday. Her entire face was purple and swollen. A huge bandage was wrapped around her head and a few stray, sweaty hairs framed her face.
Natalie didn't even want to know what her rib cage looked like. She was sure Isabel had broken at least three ribs.
Suddenly the door to her tiny hospital room opened and Atticus peered in, looking hesitant and unsure of whether he was supposed to be there.
"Atticus!" Natalie spit his name gleefully, realizing just how happy she was to see. "Oh my god Atticus." She tried to sit up, found that she couldn't, but she didn't care.
Atticus saw her and a look of horrified concern flashed across his face and he was running to her side. He wiped hairs out of her face and stared down at her.
His eyes were sincere and concerned and he brushed a dred out of his eyes. "Isabel?" He asked.
Natalie nodded sadlly and suddenly the tears that she'd been holding in burst out. "I don't understand! I didn't do anything!" She kept crying, telling Atticus anything and everything she thought of and he held her hand as she cried.
* * *
Six weeks later, Natalie stood outside. It was spring time in London, and the slushy snow had been replaced by mud. She held her phone to her ear, and Dan's voice filled her mind as they laughed.
Someday she planned to marry him.
But every time she had that thought, Atticus' face flashed across her mind and there was a stab of guilt.
But right now, she needed him. She needed him when the going got tough and she needed a listening ear and a chest to cry on.
She needed him when she wanted to talk to someone. She needed him when she wanted someone to kiss, and someone to hold her as if she was the most important person in the whole world.
Atticus took care of her and she loved him.
It was selfish, Natalie knew, but sometimes, when all you have is a lonely love, you have to be selfish if you're going to survive.
Well. That took me a while eight hours to write lmaooooo but it was worth it and I hope yall enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing this.
love you all
39addict101