A/N: To those who are still following this story, I apologize for the delay. My laptop crashed and I didn't have any back-up. I was so pissed at having to re-write chapters 22 to 24 again, so I didn't. Then i woke up today and started writing this. It wasn't the original draft but it's what I came up with. I hope you like it.
Spencer slowly opened her eyes and glanced at the clock. It was just a couple of hours since she and Aria fell asleep. She sat up and noticed that the tiny brunette wasn't on the bed with her. She gingerly got up and went to the bathroom to relieve herself and wash her face. When she exited the bathroom, she found Emily sitting on the edge of her bed, eyes on the floor, deep in thought.
"Em? What are you doing here?" Spencer asked with a surprise.
Emily got up on her feet and started towards Spencer but then stopped after a couple of steps, unsure if Spencer would welcome her in her space. "Spencer, I- uhm, how are you? They told me you were at the hospital. I'm sorry I wasn't able to see you."
"I'm fine." Spencer looked at Emily for a few seconds, neither girl knowing how to proceed. She walked towards the red chair and sat, feeling Emily's eyes on her the whole time.
"Spencer, listen, I -" Emily started.
"I need to tell you something." Spencer said at the same time, looking calmly at Emily while her insides are crushing. It's time to tell her.
"Oh, I - of course. Go ahead." Emily said, already dreading where the conversation was going. She felt it deep in her gut that Spencer doesn't want her anymore, that she already ruined whatever they have. As she looked at Spencer's tired but beautiful eyes though, she promised herself that she wouldn't give up - that she would earn that trust again and show Spencer how much she loves her and how they should be together.
"I'm sorry." Emily's thoughts were interrupted by those two words from Spencer's mouth. She wrinkled her brows in confusion.
"You're sorry? Spencer, why are you apologizing? It's me who should apologize. What you saw - it wasn't what it looked like. I was caught off-guard. I didn't kiss Maya. I never wanted to. I pushed her away as soon as I realized what was happening. You have to believe me." Emily said as she approached the brunette and knelt in front of her.
Spencer shook her head and pulled Emily to her feet. She scooted a bit and pulled Emily to sit beside her. "I wasn't - I'm not…" Spencer took a deep breath and faced Emily. "I wasn't talking about what happened at the party, but since we're on that topic…"
Emily took both Spencer's hands in her own as she sat and faced her. "I saw you with Jenna. I was hurt but I understand. I know you were just acting out of hurt and anger and I'm so so sorry."
Spencer looked deep in Emily's eyes before speaking. "It was a shitty thing for me to do. You're right. I was hurt and I turned to alcohol to try to dull the pain, but instead I hurt you and took advantage of Jenna. Oh God, I'm so embarrassed. I'm glad Jenna didn't punch me in the face." Spencer looked horrified and covered her face with her hands.
"You and Jenna -" Emily started and paused, unsure of what to say.
Spencer shook her head and took Emily's hands back in hers. "Nothing happened. She apparently called Aria and took me home. There's nothing going on between us.
Emily let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding. She nodded and opened her mouth to speak, but Spencer beat her to it.
"I love you, Em." Emily felt her eyes water and she just smiled at Spencer, at a loss for words.
Spencer took another deep breath before continuing. "I love you and I want you to be happy. You deserve to be with someone who will love you completely and be there with you every step of the way, through all your ups and downs. Someone who will be able to share every moment of your happiness and comfort you through every grief. Someone who will stand by your side as each and every dream of yours comes true. You deserve someone who will grow old with you." Spencer felt a stab through her heart at the last part.
Emily smiled and let a few tears roll down her cheeks.
"That someone cannot be me." Spencer whispered shakily, trying hard not to let her own tears spill.
Emily felt her world crash down and land on her heart. She looked at Spencer with confusion written all over her face. "Spencer, I - what? What are you saying?"
"I can't be with you. You deserve so much more, Em. I want you to be happy." Spencer said with a broken smile as the tears she was trying so hard not to fall started falling on her cheeks.
Emily shook her head and scooted closer, letting go of one of Spencer's hands to wipe the tears off from Spencer's beautiful face. "I will only be happy with you. Yes, I want to experience everything you said but I only want it with you. I love you. If this was about yesterday -"
Spencer shook her head. "It's not."
"Then why?" Emily whispered as her heart continued to break. "Spence, I'm so sorry for hurting you. I promise I'll make it up to you. I never intended to hurt you, you have to know that. . I only want to love you. I only want you." Emily said as she tried to meet Spencer's gaze as the brunette tried to avoid the swimmer's gaze.
"I love you, Emily." Spencer whispered as she looked back into Emily's eyes.
"And I love you too." Emily whispered back.
Spencer forced a little smile and shook her head. "And it's because I love you that I can't be selfish with you. You deserve more. So much more than I could give. Em, I would only hurt you."
"You won't, Spence. We'll have our ups and downs, sure. We'll have stupid little fights but we'll make it through all of those. We'll be -"
"I'm dying." Spencer said shakily.
"I- what?" Emily paused, unsure of what to say - not sure if she even heard it right.
"Em, I've been ill for a few months now. Melissa - she's been, we've been... We already saw a handful of doctors. I only have a few months left, Em. They were all positive that I'm going to die in a few months. I -" Spencer rambled and stopped as Emily dropped her hands and abruptly stood up.
"You're lying." Emily stated firmly. "Why would you - this is fucked up, Spence. Why - how - I…" Emily tried as she started pacing.
Spencer stood and took Emily's hand. "Em, stop."
"Why would you say that?" Emily said with hurt written on her face.
"Because it's the truth. I'm not lying. I'm never gonna lie to you." Spencer whispered as she cradled Emily's face in both of her hands.
"Spence…" Emily sobbed and hugged the brunette tightly.
"I'm so sorry." Spencer whispered as she hugged her back just as tight. Emily just shook her head, not being able to speak through her sobbing.
Emily pulled back after a while and pressed her forehead to Spencer's. She took a deep breath and waited for her tears to subside before speaking. "This isn't real. This is just a bad dream, right? This isn't happening. I refuse to believe it."
All she got from Spencer was a broken smile.
If Emily's heart felt like it was crushed earlier, it was definitely pulverized now. What Spencer said earlier about not wanting to hurt her - it was because she didn't want Emily to be with a dying woman. This beautiful idiot. As if I could stay away from her after finding out about it. As if I would. She suddenly came to a realization. The whole summer that Spencer surprisingly spent with Melissa and the way she looked more tired than usual when she got back. Emily knew that Spencer always had a lot on her plate, she was just too proud sometimes to admit that her body can't possibly take all of it. Emily hugged Spencer more tightly than possible, not ready to accept the situation. She knows that she will never be able to.
"I don't accept it." She whispered determinedly. Spencer pulled back and looked at her in confusion. "Em-"
"We will fight this. We will fix this." Emily said firmly. She knew she didn't have all the pertinent details yet about Spencer's illness, but it doesn't matter. They will talk about it later. Right now she just wants Spencer in her arms. This was such an overwhelming past few days and it felt too much. She is feeling a lot of different things all at once. It all feels like hell. If she feels like shit, how could Spencer feel any worse? Emily felt a stab through her heart just thinking about how Spencer had been feeling through all of this all this time. How long did she keep it to herself? Did anyone else know? Did Aria know? Aria couldn't have possibly been kept in the dark, but knowing Spencer - she might have spared Aria the hurt of knowing about it - even for a little while. Emily's thoughts halted when she felt Spencer touch her face gently. "It's not up to us, love. It's out of our hands."
Somehow that little term of endearment - be it accidental or not - but still came from Spencer's lips, spurred Emily even more. "I'll be damned if we just sat back and accepted defeat."
Spencer laughed lightly as she accepted the turn of events, grateful for the little spark of hope from Emily. She knew deep in her heart that nothing is possible anymore. She will just have to humor the swimmer if it would make her feel better. She felt guilty for breaking her heart. At this point she will do anything to make Emily feel happy. She already knew that she cannot get rid of her that easily, that Emily will put up a fight no matter what.
"You speak as if you're prepping to get another gold in one of your swim meets." Spencer said as she tried to lighten the atmosphere.
Emily smiled as she gazed into Spencer's eyes. "Something like that. Though this time, you are my goal. You are my gold."
Spencer groaned. "Em, that's so cheesy." Emily chuckled.
"I mean it, Spence. I want to grow old with you. I want no one else. Only you." Emily whispered as she leaned in and captured Spencer's lips.