Smuuuuuut, smuuuuuuut, lots and lots of smuuuuuut.

Kyle snatched his hand back immediately. "What the fuck! I don't want to be Queen of Hell!"

"Is it the title that bothers you?" Cartman clambered back up beside Kyle. "I figured being gay it wouldn't bother you."

"No, Cartman, it's more the whole 'Hell' thing that bothers me. There's enough anti-Semitic association of Jews and the Devil already without one of us actually ruling the fucking place."

"You could be head of HR, if that's better."

"Cartman! What are you thinking?!"

"Look, baby, it's the easiest way to be together. Satan can't make us follow any rules if Satan is me."

Kyle could've thrown him off the bed. "Don't call me 'baby'. This is the stupidest idea you've ever had, and that's saying something."

"Well fuck you Kahl, 'cause it's not even my idea. It's Jack's."

"Jack?"

"Tenorman."

Kyle thought hard for a moment about where he recognised the name before pinching the bridge of his nose with a deep groan. "Jack Ten… You're following the advice of Jack Tenorman?"

"Yeah."

"Your estranged father."

"Yuh-huh."

"Whose murder you instigated."

"Uh…"

"And his wife's."

"Um…"

"When I open my eyes you'd better laugh and say this was a joke."

"Why do you think everything I do is stupid or bad? Why don't you ever support what I wanna do?"

Kyle blinked in surprise at Cartman hunched over and hugging his legs. He scooted closer and held him tenderly. "It's not-"

"Yes it is. If the great Kyle Broflovski doesn't come up with a plan then it's no good. Especially if it's anything to do with me. You've always been like this. Ever since we were kids."

It was true, if Kyle was honest with himself. Not that Cartman was an innocent pariah or anything, and he had cried wolf enough times for Kyle to disbelieve anything he said or presume Cartman's motives were nothing but bad. But they were boyfriends now – partners – and Kyle not only had to learn to give and take but teach Cartman if he wanted it to work out.

"It's not like that. I just don't think you've thought this through. Ruling Hell is a lot of work. Are you really prepared for that?"

"I can find some underling to delegate all the hard stuff to. All I need to do is sit on a throne and look pretty. Throw a few thunderbolts now and again to remind everyone who's boss."

"You're thinking of Zeus."

"The Cat in the Hat guy?" He frowned when Kyle laughed at his mistake. Cartman went on, "My point is – you don't compromise. It's your way or the highway."

Kyle mirrored Cartman's vulnerable pose and shrugged slightly. "I will admit to being sanctimonious at times, and I'll admit that you tend to bring it out of me more than most people. I'm working on it. Can you promise the same thing?"

"I just want you to think about it. Not automatically say 'no'."

"Okay, I promise. Only if you promise not to start anything until we've discussed it thoroughly."

"I swear… by the moooon and the staaaars in the skyyyy…"

Kyle cringed at the memory of Cartman embarrassing him on the Jumbotron and tried to bring the subject back around. "We'll work out a compromise next time you're here."

"Next time. Whenever that is."

"You've got a point. We really should make the most of this opportunity, instead of fighting."

"Whaddya mean? Fighting's always been a kind of foreplay for us."

"Ew, has it?"

"I get turned on," Cartman said with a grin.

"I wish I could be surprised." Kyle pulled him closer and rested his head on his shoulder with a small sigh. "Why are we such a mess?"

"Born and raised in South Park."

Kyle looked up at him and smiled. It was strangely comforting to have that in common. They'd spend their entire fucked-up little lives by each other's side. And they'd spend their death that way too. Eventually.

He cupped Cartman's round cheeks and brought him down for a soft kiss and it wasn't long before they made up for lost time – their clothes hitting the ground, ransacking Pip's collection for sexual essentials, then Kyle straddling Cartman's chest and sucking his cock deeply within minutes.

Cartman dug his heels into the mattress as Kyle's lips slid around and down. Cartman groaned, "Fuck me…"

Kyle came back up to the head of his cock and laughed. "Be kinda hard in this position – I'm not that flexible. But we can compromise."

Cartman was confused until he felt a pair of lubricated fingers pressing and nudging inside him. He groaned again. "That's a good compromise." He palmed Kyle's ass in anticipation and tongued and spat against the eager hole on offer.

Kyle turned around. "I thought you wanted to swap tonight? Who's fucking whom?"

"Why not both?" Cartman growled hungrily.

"Do we really have time for that?"

"We'll make time."

His reply was so adamant and sure, and Kyle had been called out enough for being argumentative for one day. He just laughed, coated Cartman's cock with more lubricant and reached back to use the remainder to slick himself.

Cartman bit his lip when Kyle moved forward and positioned himself ready to ride him. "Shit Kyle, how many times are you gonna kill me?"

Once more it seemed as he lowered himself slowly onto Cartman's his cock and hissed slightly. "Fuck yeah, there's that old burn," Kyle gasped blissfully and rocked himself until he was comfortable. Cartman whined slightly. His round stomach was obscuring the view and he was missing all the good stuff, apart from the sensational boa constrictor impression that Kyle's body was performing around his dick. Cartman satisfied himself with marvelling at Kyle's back muscles deliciously flexing when he palmed them. Their bodies were 'real' here as he found out when he left thin red lines down Kyle back and an ass full of come.

Cartman's dick slipped out as Kyle fell forward with a chuckle though his legs were still shaking from effort. "I guess even here you can get tired, huh?" he said and turned around. Cartman blushed a little when Kyle stared at him hungrily and motioned for him to roll over, but he obediently flopped into position and dug his fingers into Pip's sheets when Kyle probed him open again with his thumbs and tongue before lying over him and entering slowly, pumping in and out at a leisurely loving pace and sucking and kissing passionately at his back and shoulders and neck, everywhere he could reach and everywhere that made Cartman sigh deeply or moan loudly.

Then Kyle suddenly gripped at his flesh and snapped his hips against his ass a few times. He pulled out and sat back to admire his handiwork as Cartman lay panting and leaking. "That was great," he mumbled, his mind fogged up with afterglow. He lowered his head to lick the hole clean and Cartman squirmed from over-sensitivity. Kyle got the message – understood it from personal experience – and backed off. He gently dabbed at the mess with the bed sheets instead and then curled up beside Cartman whilst he got his breath back.

"Kahl?"

"Mm?"

"I don't want to go."

"I don't want you to go either." Kyle reached up and stroked Cartman's lips with his fingers tenderly.

"No I mean, like, I don't want to go because my ass hurts."

Kyle burst out laughing. "Shit Cartman, all the stuff you've shoved up there over the years but it's my dick that breaks you?"

"Hey it's been a while, okay? I'm out of practice."

Kyle was still holding his sides when Cartman had pulled on his last bit of clothing but his laughter had long since waned. He looked terribly doleful so Cartman leaned over and gave him a soft and sweet kiss goodbye. Revived, Kyle sat up and tried to find his own clothes scattered on the floor. "So," he said trying to delay Cartman's leaving even though he knew it was dangerous, "do you just vanish in a puff of smoke or something now?"

"Kinda. But hang on a sec, there's something I want to check," said Cartman and yanked open the bedroom door. Pip fell through with a squeal of fright. "I knew it," Cartman growled. "You fucking creeper."

"I was just listening out for Damien. In case you needed help."

"Sure you were."

Kyle giggled at them and Cartman smiled. He knew him well enough to get that it was to cover his embarrassment. "He's got a point," Kyle said. "We've pushed our luck enough. You should get out of here. We'll talk more about 'you know what' next time."

"Until then, baby," Cartman purred, "keep that pretty dick warm for me". He took a step back and disappeared. Within a blink he found himself back in the demon's realm where Jack and the others were eagerly awaiting his return.

"Are you ready, Eric?"

Cartman looked at his father's friendly disposition and then out at the expectant faces gathered behind. "I'm sorry, Kyle," he whispered. "Try to understand that I'm doing this for us." He straightened up and marched through the throng. "Okay listen up, fuckers. First things first – if I'm gonna be ruling Hell I want a better outfit than this. I'm not wearing a tracksuit like I'm King fucking Ralph."

Jack watched on as Cartman continued to bark orders. At last, things were finally going his way.

Next Chapter:

Stan had plenty of tears for his dead best friend and wiped at his face constantly throughout the burial cursing the fact that his biggest fear had happened. Kyle had died first.