I'm so sorry, I never meant to take this long.

Disclaimer: My knowledge of Jewish funerals is limited to internet information and my housemate so I apologise for any inaccuracies.

Damien turned up a few hours later 'completely rat-arsed' as Pip called it. Kyle was left alone when Pip was summoned away to the other bedroom. He curled up on top of the sheets, breathing in the scent Cartman had left behind, and covered his ears from the thumping sounds of an abused bed frame (and likely an abused Pip judging from the emanating squeals).

Kyle was thoroughly aware he didn't technically need to sleep now that he was no longer alive and the realisation only served to make him more depressed. He was dead and alone and the afterlife wasn't shaping up to be much. Now that he understood the helplessness he had felt, he wished he'd been more patient with Cartman before. Amidst the worry and guilt and noise, Kyle barely slept.

Normally Jewish funerals were held within a day of death, but it was a modern world and Kyle's family was scattered all over the country. His parents delayed by a day for their sake and on the 31st of October, Kyle sat with Pip in his room in front of a portal and saw his plain casket set down into the grave. The mood was entirely different to Cartman's funeral and Kyle suspected it wasn't because of the traditional Jewish sobriety. Even the kids were subdued. Maybe it was the double-whammy of losing two classmates just in a few weeks and having both funerals within a few days of each other.

Maybe Kyle was more of a loss than Cartman.

Whatever the reason, his friends seemed to go through the motions but tried to remain aware of any different customs. The Broflovskis wanted their son's friends to be as involved as possible and although there were no flowers to be thrown into the grave Sheila allowed for Stan to put Cartman's hat on top of the casket. She understood, somehow.

Cartman watched too from his protected level of Hell. He watched his mother apologising for bringing a bouquet even though Sheila really didn't mind and besides she wasn't the only Gentile to do so. He watched Heidi tearlessly follow Bebe around like a shadow, having wasted all her waterworks at his own funeral. He watched Butters and Kenny trying to remain low-key in front of the adults that might go running off to the Stotchs and tattle. Their rings were safely hidden in their wallets.

He also watched Stan put his hat on Kyle's casket. It must have fallen off when he was exorcised back to Hell, he realised. Stan had plenty of tears for his dead best friend and wiped at his face constantly throughout the burial cursing the fact that his biggest fear in all the world had actually happened. Kyle had died first.

Cartman closed the portal once people began to leave the gravesite and went back to his training – practising firing small lightning bolts and skimming pebbles against one another like tiddlywinks. The sensation felt a lot like when he'd had the V-chip implanted, except not painful and he didn't need to swear although he did anyway because it was fun. Jack taught him how to bring out his wings (which unfortunately was painful and involved a lot of bleeding and torn flesh) but he had full control of his wings already and flying came naturally afterwards.

"Perfect. It's like you were born to do it," Jack praised him as he swooped past.

"Because I fucking was. And whose fault's that, huh?" Cartman retorted, landing ungracefully face-first.

"Good point." Jack handed him a small boulder once he had gotten up and brushed himself off. "Let's take a break from flying and try out some bigger targets."

"I'm bored of that shit. When'm I gonna fight Satan?"

"When you're ready."

Cartman whined. "I'm like so ready right now."

"Patience is a virtue, Eric."

"Patience can suck my chode, and it'll have to if I spend any more time away from Kyle."

Jack gripped his son's shoulders and his bony fingers dug deep into the spongy flesh making him wince. Jack gazed evenly at him. "You've barely been away from him for two days. Try ten years and maybe then you can lecture me about patience."

Cartman laughed. "For real? You were away from your wife for one night and you banged another chick. Talk about impatient. Or maybe it's a lecture about love you fucking need."

"Now you listen here-" Jack began in fury but Cartman shrugged him off and held up his hands. He squinted his eyes and Jack fell silent at the look of concentration etched into his round face. "What's wrong?" he finally asked the thoughtful boy.

"Damien just left his level. Pretty sure he's left Hell altogether. And Satan's out too. Probably starting up some Halloween shit."

"You can tell that? Impressive."

"Damn right I am," said Cartman modestly and folded his wings. "See ya later."

"You're not risking going there?" Jack said in exasperation. "Didn't I just warn you about this?"

"I'm not going to see Kyle. I've got a plan, and I need to see if it's even possible, so I'm going to take advantage of them both being out. Fuck knows when I'll get this chance again."

"A fair point. Well, good luck. Be careful."

"Aw, you sound almost worried."

"Shouldn't I be? You're my son after all."

Cartman rolled his eyes. Sure, worry now that I'm useful. He transported himself to the seventh level and knocked gently upon Damien's door. Pip opened it and gasped in surprise. "Cartman, how lovely to see you. Kyle is in my room."

"I'm not here for him. It's you I want."

Pip blushed and squeaked, "Whatever for?"

Cartman pressed a finger to Pip's mouth and led him quietly away to behind a pile of jagged boulders. Pip stared at Cartman meekly as he checked around to see if they were alone. Satisfied, he stood nearer and smiled the tried and true charming smile he used whenever he wanted something. "Pip, I need a favour from you."

"Me?"

"You're the only one who can help me. Help all of us. The future of Hell is in your hands."

He hung his head. "You want to take over. Satan was right."

"C'mon Pip; you've got to agree this level thing is bullshit. The whole system needs an overhaul and Satan's never gonna do it."

"If you say so. But I don't want any part of it."

"I think you do," said Cartman, cornering him against the rocks with his hands either side of his head. Pip trembled but didn't reply. Cartman's smile seemed to sweeten. "Look, I have to fight Satan. There's no getting out of that. But Damien is an innocent bystander – or at least I can treat him like one, if he stays out of my way."

"What do you mean?"

"Just keep him out of my way. I don't want to hurt him. I don't need to hurt him. You make sure he's busy when I fight Satan and he'll be safe."

"I see." Pip's lip bled from where he'd bitten it in concern and he licked it clean. "If I do this you promise not to harm him?"

"I'll even make him my deputy once it's all over. So long as he doesn't try to usurp me."

"I don't know…"

"Listen," Cartman said as he petted his pale cheek, "if this all goes to plan I'll be totally grateful. Kyle too. Maybe we'll even show you just how grateful we are." He grinned when Pip shivered as he leaned closer and whispered against his ear, "You'd like that, wouldn't you, Pip?"

The other boy closed his eyes with a submissive sigh. "Very well. When should I begin?"

"Soon as possible."

Pip pondered for a moment. "On Halloween night he usually stays in with me for some, um… holiday-themed intimacy. How about eleven o'clock tonight, or is that too soon?"

"Which eleven?"

"How do you mean?"

"Time zones, dude."

"Ah I see, I'm no good with that sort of thing. Colorado-time for ease."

"Perfect," Cartman said with a triumphant belly-laugh. He knew Jack wouldn't like it but he couldn't care less. "Thank you," he added, kissing Pip's forehead softly. "Now run along and go play with Kahl until we're ready."

"Yes of course! Oh, speaking of Kyle – what should I tell him?"

"Tell him nothing. He'll only worry his pretty curly head. Ignorance is bliss and I should know. I've made many careers out of ignorance."

Pip giggled and slipped out from between Cartman and the rock. "I shall away then. I wish you luck."

"Thanks Barbie," he replied, secretly wiping his mouth. "Oh and uh, I like your scarf."

"Thank you!" Pip rewrapped it around his shoulders tightly. It had gotten loose as he had squirmed under Cartman. "Satan made it this morning, isn't it lovely?"

"Just said that, didn't I?"

Pip nibbled his coral lips again. "You won't hurt him too badly right? He really is very nice, for the Prince of Darkness."

"Dude's been my hero my whole life. Not like I want to do it," Cartman huffed and kicked the ground. "But I'll make it quick. Painless." Cartman didn't have any more to say to the other boy so he disappeared on him quite abruptly. The more time he took to prepare, the better.

Pip stood staring at the empty space Cartman left behind for a long while, unsure of the new era that would soon be ushered in, and the part he would have to play in it.

Next chapter:

"What makes you think I'd let you be in charge tonight, or in fact ever?"

Pip glanced to the side coquettishly. "I wouldn't be in charge per se, my love. It would merely be a restriction of senses. Being tied up is very pleasant I assure you."

Damien scrutinised him carefully. It was a tantalising offer and also meant he didn't have to do any work in bed for once. It wasn't as though he couldn't break through any bonds Pip used. "Proceed," he mumbled. "Convince me."

"Oh I shall."