"No!"

His sword strikes something hard and smooth, twisting out of his grasp and sending a jarring shock up to his elbow. The steel weapon clatters to the frozen ground, the sound echoing eerily across the fjord.

Hans laughs out loud. Standing in front of him is a statue of solid ice bearing a perfect resemblance to Princess Anna, frozen solid with her hand outstretched toward him. Her face is contorted into a ridiculous expression of panic that reminds him of the still frames he and his brothers would laugh at back home when they stopped the reel on the motion-picture projector.

Wiping tears of mirth from his eyes, he bends down to pick up his sword. Turning it over in his hand, he finds the blade in pristine condition. Good. It's a damn expensive sword.

At his feet, Queen Elsa looks up at her statue-sister and screams. Hans can't help but chuckle again.

"Told you, you killed your sister!" He raises his sword with a theatrical twirl. "And now to slay the monster!"

"Master Westergaard!"

Hans's sword arm freezes above his head as he whirls in the direction of the voice. There, standing barely ten paces away on the ice is a portly, balding man with a comically large nose. The crisp green suit the man is wearing sparks a slow recognition in Hans's mind.

It's the butler.

The manservant walks forward, twirling a long black cane. Hans lets his sword arm fall as he raises an incredulous eyebrow.

"I'm sorry, Kai, don't you have guests to attend to?"

Kai stops opposite him on the frozen fjord, planting his feet wide as he slams the cane down between them with a resolute thud.

"Right now, I only see one guest in need of attention, Master Westergaard."

Hans kneads the bridge of his nose with a gloved hand.

"Are you being serious right now? I'm kind of in the middle of something here. You can bring me hot grog later." He waves his sword in the air for emphasis.

"Master Westergaard, you are a dull one."

"Wh- Excuse me?"

Kai actually rolls his eyes.

"Allow me to spell it out for you, then. Master Westergaard, as head servant of the royal family of Arendelle, I will not stand by and watch as a foreign prince cuts down my queen and usurps the throne."

Hans narrows his eyes.

"Queen Elsa has cursed Arendelle and killed her own sister in cold blood. She is unfit to rule!"

Kai's eyes narrow in turn.

"It's treason, then."

The butler twirls his cane in his white-gloved hand and catches it in his other, holding it parallel to the ground. He grips the curved handle, pulling the cane apart and what in tarnation, there's a sword inside?

"En garde, Master Westergaard!"

Hans doesn't even have time to think of a retort before the manservant comes barreling at him with surprising speed. He raises his sword to parry and is immediately forced onto his back foot as the man jabs and strikes with a ferocity that seems impossible coming from his borderline-obese frame. Bellowing in frustration, he lunges to the side and slashes at his opponent's back with all his might – but Kai bends backward and swings his own sword over his head, intercepting the blade without even turning.

"Come on, Master Westergaard, give it some effort, would you? If I didn't know better I'd think this was your first time with a sword!"

"Oh, do you ever shut up!"

Hans hacks away at the butler with strength renewed by rage. To his endless frustration, Kai seems to dance his way around Hans's blade, parrying some blows and simply dodging past others. Tossing his cane-sword to his off hand, the manservant begins to fence Hans one-handed while wagging a finger with his other.

"Is this supposed to be a challenge? My parapalegic grandmother could put up a better fight than you – and she's dead!"

Speechless with fury, Hans leaps forward and stabs straight for Kai's face. For a glorious moment, he feels a thrill of victory. Then the sword is flying out of his hands, skidding across the frozen fjord with a sound like nails on a chalkboard.

He gulps, feeling the tip of the butler's sword tickle his Adam's apple. The portly man's barely broken a sweat. He closes his eyes, waiting for the end.

Then the metal edge leaves Hans's throat. He hears Kai let out a long sigh. He cracks open a hesitant eye to find the butler supporting his forehead in one gloved hand, his sword arm dangling limply at his side.

"No, no, this won't do," Kai mutters under his breath while massaging the lids of his eyes.

The manservant walks over to Hans's sword and retrieves it from the ice. Hans follows Kai's progress, his mouth flapping like a hinge. The servant returns, holding Hans's sword by the blade.

"Alright, Master Westergaard." Kai proffers the sword hilt-first. "I don't usually do this, but for you I must make an exception."

Hans takes back his weapon haltingly.

"What are you playing at?" he spits.

"I shall give you a lesson in swordplay. Free of charge."

"Listen here, you little-"

"Master Westergaard, as thirteenth in line to your throne, I'd have thought you'd be more perceptive when an opportunity for self-betterment presents itself," Kai huffs. "No matter. It certainly isn't the first time you've disappointed me today."

The butler raises his sword cane over his shoulder with both hands.

"Now, with a hand-and-a-half sword like yours, the key to a strong swing is to use the pommel—that's the round bit at the bottom—"

"I know what a pommel is."

"Tut tut, Master Westergaard, were you not taught any manners either? Now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted—"

"Raaah!"

Hans cleaves down toward the manservant with both hands. Kai feints backward and the blade slashes nothing but empty air before lodging itself deep into the ice at his feet.

"My my, so eager to begin! You're worse than a virgin boy!" Kai tilts his head, a hand to his chin in contemplation. "On second thought, perhaps you are a virgin, boy. My apologies, I shouldn't have assumed."

Hans finally pulls the sword from the ground, his chest heaving with exertion. The butler raises an eyebrow at him.

"Are we finally ready to learn, then, Master Westergaard? Observe." The servant raises his sword over his shoulder and swings down diagonally in front of him, pivoting the blade with the hand gripping the "pommel" of his cane. "Use the pommel for leverage. Step into the swing, close the distance—but don't over-commit, or you'll end up in the ground with your sword!"

With a howl of animal rage, Hans lunges forward and swings at the butler again. Kai deflects the blade with a proud smile.

"Look at that! You're improving already! We'll make a competent swordsman of you yet, Hans Westergaard!"

Vision swimming in a red haze, Hans swings again, only for his blade to be turned aside a second time.

"That's the spirit! Practice makes perfect, as they say. Again!"

Another swing. Another parry.

"Again!"

His muscles screaming, Hans can barely lift the sword this time. As he makes his swing, he keels forward, tripping over his own feet and crashing to the icy ground. Stars burst in his vision as his jaw meets the surface of the fjord with a hard crack.

Voices drift to his ears as blackness threatens to consume him.

"Anna?"

"Oh, Elsa…"

"... Love will thaw. Love! Of course!"

Finally shaking the spots from his eyes, he jumps when he finds the ground beneath him no longer the ice of the frozen fjord, but instead the lacquered wooden planks of a ship's deck. Pushing himself back to his feet, he looks around in disbelief. The curse is lifted. The sky is clear, the fjord is blue…

Princess Anna is no longer a human popsicle.

"Anna?" he snarls, nursing his sore jaw. "But, she froze your heart!"

The princess fixes him with a look of aloof disapproval.

"The only frozen heart around here is yours."

Anna winds back with her right hand, and for a moment Hans thinks the girl might actually try to punch him. Then a large, pudgy hand appears in front of the princess's fist.

"Sorry to interrupt this lovely conversation, Your Highness, but I have an urgent message from the Queen for Master Westergaard."

Anna blinks in surprise as the butler strides forward, the cane in his hand now replaced by a large scroll bound with heavy wooden rods. Kai clears his throat, unfurling the scroll in a swift, practiced motion.

"Do not talk to me or my sister ever again."

The last thing that Hans sees before his body meets the water of the fjord is the butler swinging the scroll in a vicious backhand toward his face.

People on the Discord server were talking about writing fanfics with Kai as the main character and this one-shot just flew into my ridiculous excuse for a brain.