It was for the goal. Humans are evil. It was for the goal. Humans are evil. Evil. Evil. Evil.
"They're evil," N whispered, burying his face in his hands. No matter how many times he repeated the same mantra to himself, the feeling in his heart would not go away. As if the guilt were breaking it in two.
He had killed someone - a person with hopes, and with dreams. Drayden may have had a family. Children. Grandchildren. Now they would all witness his pale, lifeless body as they placed it into the ground. Tears would fall in streams down their faces. Sadness, anger, and grief would stir and pull inside of them. All because of N. All his fault.
He let his arms slump to his sides. He sat amid the coloring trees of a forest, staring with unblinking eyes at the licking flames of a crackling campfire. Heat splayed across the front of his body, and its light was a beacon that chased away the darkness of the night. His father had since fallen asleep, rolled up in his bedroll at the edge of the fire's illumination.
N could not sleep. When he did, he dreamed the same dream again and again of Drayden crawling toward him, fingernails splitting as they scraped the metal floor of the gym, black holes where his eyes should have been, blood weeping from a hole in his throat as he pleaded with N, demanding to know why. Why, why, why, why.
To free Pokemon, N would tell him. To free them. Was it worth it? Drayden would respond.
In the dream, N could not answer then. He wanted to believe that it was worth it, that in taking one human life, he had saved hundreds of Pokemon from servitude. He did not want to think about what those Pokemon had said to him when he had released them into the wild. Where is Drayden? Where is our master?
He looked up. The first inklings of dawn glimmered through the trees, the sounds of many an awaking Pokemon coming with it. How long had he been staring into the fire, absorbed in his thoughts?
He knew that his body was beginning to shut down after days of not sleeping or eating. He glanced at the shadowed lump of blankets that was his father. N had tried to talk to him, but Ghetsis had proclaimed that what N had done was an act of extreme good, that the world - the Pokemon - were better for it. N desperately needed, more than anything, to believe those words, to expel the doubt in his mind, but he could not. Despite how painfully hard he tried to convince himself, despite how he knew how wise his father was, how Ghetsis could always see the truth in all things, N could not convince himself.
It was for the goal, N. For the goal.
Something rustled in the bushes nearby. N spared, whatever it was, no more than a glance. He did not care. If it was a Pokemon, then there was the possibility it could attack him, but he didn't think he had the will to defend himself. If it were a person, an agent sent by the government, then perhaps N would allow them to take him into custody. Maybe then the guilt would stop hanging over him: a great burden the size of the world that pushed down on his shoulders.
N heard the thing step out from the cover of the trees and bushes, but still, he did not look. Instead, he squeezed his eyes shut and resolved to let it do what it wished.
"N? Is that you?"
He froze. That voice. It… cannot…
A hand, soft, with slender fingers and painted nails, tentatively touched his shoulder. He turned slowly, and first saw sandals and a flower-printed dress, and sun-kissed blond hair…
"Luna," he whispered.
"N?" She said. "You don't look so good. Wow, you've gotten skinny! Are you alright?"
He shot to a stand, grabbing her arm and pulling her into the woods, away from the fire. He looked over his shoulder. The sun had risen further. Was there enough light that Ghetsis could see them? Gently, he tugged her behind a large maple tree.
"You cannot be here," he hissed. "My father is over there, sleeping, but he may awake soon. If he-"
"N," she said. "What's wrong? Tell me."
"Luna, we cannot speak here…"
"Fine. Let's go somewhere else, then."
"Luna-" She touched his arm. He yanked it away.
"My father, Luna," he said. "He does not want me to speak to you anymore. I won't go against his wishes, not again. Please, Luna, leave me."
She glared at him. "Are you going to do what he tells you for the rest of your life? You're not a little kid, N, and I can see that you need to be away from him. Have you looked at yourself recently? Really looked?"
"I…" he peered around the tree, at Ghetsis, who had not moved so much as a single muscle. He had always been a heavy sleeper.
Luna intertwined her hand in his. Her smile returned, bright and radiant. "Come on. Don't keep a lady waiting forever."
He opened his mouth to object, but the words died on his lips as she pulled him along.
It was almost identical to what occurred in Vertress City, all those nights ago. Ghetsis had scorned him as immature, but… Luna was right, N needed to be away. Not necessarily from Ghetsis, but from the thoughts that plagued N's mind. Now that he had left, he did not think he could sit in front of that fire a moment longer, letting the cracks in his heart multiply.
As Luna led him farther and farther away from his father, the trees thinned until they grew in no more than sparse patches; the ground covered in a field of grass that sprouted from every inch of dirt. N gasped when Luna led him to the edge of a cliff. Far, far below, was a forest of a million trees, and in the distance, the glare of an orange sun peeked over the horizon.
Luna let go of his hand, slipped off her sandals, and plopped down at the cliff's edge as casually as for a meal. She smiled at him, her feet dangling off the edge. She patted the space next to her.
He peered over the edge, licking his lips. "I am not so sure. Is it safe?"
"Of course. Cliffs don't bite; they just sit there."
He chuckled, then slowly lowered himself to sit beside her. The wind swirled around them.
"So," Luna said. "I've seen you all over TV. You're practically the only thing anyone is talking about. People are starting to consider what you're saying, too."
He brushed invisible dust off his pant legs. "I… yes. I have to free Pokemon."
"Did you have to kill Drayden, as well?"
His breath snagged in his throat, forming into a lump there. His mouth hung open. He did not know what to say. How did she know it was him? He did not want to look at her: see the accusing expression on her face.
The thoughts returned.
He looked below him. Why was his life worth any more than Drayden's? Who else but N could pay for what he himself had done?
A life for a life.
"Why did you do it, N?" Her voice was a whisper. "I thought it might have been you. Your face tells me I was right."
Repentance.
"Look at me, N."
The wind howled in his ears. Freedom.
"Look at me."
He did.
And there was nothing but sympathy in her face. Her eyes, beautiful, sparkling globes, called out to N. They pulled the words from his mouth, and he could not stop it as he laid his soul bare for her.
"I did not mean to," he said. His voice trembled, and his shoulders began to shake. He squeezed the fabric of his pants. "I swear it, Luna. I did not mean to. I only wanted to save the Pokemon, only that, but my father gave me a-a weapon, a… gun, and when Drayden discovered us… I-I did not know what to do! I hate myself for it. More than you could know, Luna. More than you could know. Everything got too carried away. Drayden should be living and I… I…"
She pulled his head to her chest. His arms slumped at his sides.
"It's okay, N. I understand. It's okay."
His mouth stayed agape. She doesn't hate me. She forgives me? Me?
He hugged her tightly to him and did not let go as the tears poured from his cheeks, and he wailed. She didn't release him. She didn't judge him for crying in front of her. She only held him close and did not let him go.
Behind the pounding ache of his forehead from weeping, he had a faint thought. This is what I have always wanted.
She stroked his head, and like a patient mother, sat and waited. N could feel the weight on his chest lessening with each tear that trailed down his cheeks. He could not believe she was so kind.
"Look, N," she said, once his tears had died down. "The sun is up."
He wiped his eyes and did so, surprised to see that the land was bathed in light from a sun a small way above the horizon.
"Thank you, Luna," he whispered.
"Let's get you back before your father wakes up," she said. Reluctantly, he nodded and allowed her to pull him to his feet. He did not let go of her hand once he was standing.
"When will I see you again?" He asked.
She grinned. "Soon, if that's what you want. I'll come and find you."
"Do you promise me?"
"Promise."
Still, he didn't let go of her hands. She raised an amused eyebrow at him.
"I… goodbye, Luna." He ducked into the woods, his heart pounding. As he made his way back to the camp, his exhaustion seemed to have faded, and the biting hunger in his stomach gone. He felt alive again. He found himself not even caring if Ghetsis was awake or not, but when N arrived, his father was still sound asleep, and N returned to his position sitting atop the same log next to the fire, thoughts of Luna spinning through his head.