Staring blankly at the wall before her, she cannot make out the sounds around her. She has disassociated from the conversation and the words are just a muffle to her. She feels her eyes swelling with tears and tries her best to prevent them from falling. She was not going to cry today. She was done crying. Taking a deep breath, she wills the tears to dissipate and allow her a semblance of dignity at this very moment.
"What do you need?" she hears.
What does she need? What has she ever needed?
Ten years ago, it was the magical love told in fairy tales. She needed the prince to take her away from the heartbreak that was her childhood. She needed the professions of pure, true love. Needed an unconditional love that could withstand any obstacle along the way. She needed that storybook tale right before the clock struck midnight, before it all vanished and reality enveloped her once again.
Five years ago, she needed the white picket fence. She needed to be desired and loved beyond reason. She needed for her love to be reciprocated and for the man she loved to love her back, to profess that without fear or shame. She needed the family she never had growing up and the opportunity to feel safe.
Today, she needs…
Years of memories flood her memory at an overwhelming speed and she can't separate one from the other. Messy arguments, sweet kisses, proclamations of love, professions of disdain, regret, heartbreak…love.
"What do you need?"
Time.
How can she get time back? Time to right the mistakes made throughout the years, time to undo the damage that was done and take back the pain that was caused. How can she get back just a moment to rescind the words she wished she had never spoken and replace them with those she wished she had.
She needs time to stop the tightness in her heart and stop the pain she feels every second she is awake. Time to make sense of all the questions being asked.
She needs time to stop.
"What do you need?"
Love. The love she had that brought her happiness, sadness, and elation. Needs the kind of love that cannot be replicated or understood by others. She needs the kind of love that was infuriating and complicated, but was also the reason she rose in the morning, anxious to see what new adventures lay ahead. She needs the kind of love that creates a lifetime of memories in just a short time. The kind of love that was unbelievable unless you witnessed it, really truly witnessed it. She needs that flawed love that pushed her just close enough to the edge to force her to reexamine herself and all that was around her. That crazy, exhilarating, scary love that you knew would devastate you if it ever ended…the kind of love that felt dangerous but was still safe.
"What do you need?"
Him.