And so…
Cavendish was propelled back to Earth, soaring down the sky until he crashed back down on Earth.
His head now buried in… Snow, for some reason.
"It's late October. It couldn't be snowing already.", Cavendish thought, but it had been a most confusing day, admittedly.
Getting up and barely bothering to dust himself off, a frosty and shivering Cavendish observed that he was in front of Josh's Convenience Store, with a perfect view of…
"…My family…"
Yes, beyond that smudged glass window pane with orange flyers for something or other, Cavendish could clearly see Milo, Melissa, Zack, Sara, Doof, Martin, Brigette, even Amanda (who had been absent for a while from family activities), buying things in the grocery store, and having a jolly good time.
Cavendish didn't need to hear them to know that they were in an excellent mood: He could tell by Milo's eyes that the boy was recounting another wild story, he could tell by Melissa's smile that she was readying a sassy addition to it, Zack and Sara's laughs were as clear as the love shared between Martin and Brigette, who play flirted, Doof was tripping over something (of course) and despite a clear hesitation in her eyes, one could see that even Amanda was enjoying the show.
Cavendish's heart swelled; It was like only now he had realized how much he loved each and every one of them.
Melissa's confident smile that radiated a strength that Cavendish only wished he had. Zack's relieved tone when nothing crazy was happening around him. Sara's adorkable laugh, that should have been grating, but just wasn't. Martin's warm smile, one that always incited feelings of safety. Brigette's calm smile, that made you feel safe in a different way. Doof's apologetic smile, as if he needed to apologize for being himself. Amanda's secret, hidden smile, one that rarely came out…
And Milo's hopeful eyes, eyes that almost made Cavendish believe that even he could be saved.
Overtaken by love, Cavendish had to go in, he had to get himself back into their lives and apologize.
The compulsion was all encompassing, it had to be done!
Stepping forwards, he stretched his hand towards opening the grocery store doors, but for some reason, he felt like there was something in his hand…
And just as he began to enter…
CLICK!
"What the…", Cavendish exclaimed, seeing that he somehow handcuffed himself.
…No.
No, no!
He was stopping himself!
"I have to act fast!", he thought, and he tried to call out to them, waving his hand maniacally, but they couldn't hear his voice.
Why couldn't they…
"Mmm."
"Mmm."
"Mmm?!"
Looking down, Cavendish saw the problem: His mouth was zipped shut.
And try as he might, he couldn't unzip it!
He struggled and struggled, scratches now covering his already frail hand, but it was no use.
He couldn't call them.
He hadn't let himself call them.
Milo, Melissa, Zack, Sara, Amanda, Doof, Martin and Brigette all left the store, laughing and smiling and living, surrounded by sun every step they took, while Cavendish desperately tried to leap towards them, but the snow began to cover him, and he couldn't see.
It was really thick now, and Cavendish felt himself getting blurry eyed.
He had to get to them…
He had to talk to them…
He had to be loved…
But it felt… Oddly safe…
To say nothing…
And as he blinked, the snow slowly shifted and twisted until…
"Surfs up!"
Cavendish turned towards the phrase, confused.
"It's snowing, you dolt!", he insulted, disbelief present on his face. How could some people be so dimwitted?
"Seriously!", he thought as he stood up in the sweltering heat. "It's clearly…"
Suddenly, he slipped and fell, his head colliding on the slightly softer ground, his eyes now itchy thanks to…
"Sand?", Cavendish observed, confused.
He looked around him, puzzled and bewildered to find a sunny, sandy beach instead of a winter wonderland.
Slowly shifting his feet, the sand getting between his toes, Cavendish felt his entire body shiver despite being directly under the sun's rays.
He could hear the ocean rise and fall, he could hear the soothing beach wind, he could hear the Frisbee bonking him on the…
BONK!
…Head.
Despite this, it almost felt peaceful.
And then he opened his eyes.
Passing him, hand in hand, were Dakota…
And himself.
They shared loving looks and passionate smiles, and Cavendish stared in awe as he saw something very unusual…
A happy Cavendish.
Behind them were of course Milo, Melissa, Zack, Sara and Amanda, all running around, laughing it up, preparing to surf the day away.
Cavendish suddenly remembered: He knew this day.
It was one of the last days of summer, a bit before he began to… Lose interest?
Man, that sounded so douchy.
Anyway, this was one of the last pleasant memories he and Dakota shared.
It had been a magical day, as the kids and the dads had surfed, played volleyball and ate delicious watermelon under a starry sky.
Cavendish hadn't laughed that much in years, he remembered.
It felt like a million years ago, and a different universe.
Here he was, smiling and laughing and sharing.
Cavendish couldn't help but wonder why he had given up on all this.
'Cause… He had, hadn't he?
But…
No, that didn't make sense!
Sure, he had ignored Dakota for some god awful reason, but he still treated the kids well, no?
He had been quite nice to them on the date night, that he remembered!
Surely they were treated well!
…But the way this day was going, Cavendish was getting more and more alarmed at the prospect that perhaps…
Perhaps he had fucked this up too.
"…Well?", he asked no one in particular. "Did I hurt them too?"
At first, he wondered why there was no answer, since they usually just told him what was wrong.
He then deduced that since he usually had avoided listening to them, he had to make it clear that he wanted to know.
"Please, I want to know! I…"
He choked back a sob. "I do care for them. They…"
He thought back to the date night.
"They helped me… Even though I was a total dick. They're wonderful children. Smart… Adorable… Brilliant…"
He sighed. "I wish I was half of what they are now."
He bowed his head in shame. "If I hurt them as well… At least let me know. It's bad enough I hurt Dakota… Surely I didn't… Surely I didn't treat them terribly as well… Right?"
Cavendish thought back to all the times the kids had been there for him, all the lovely memories, kind gestures…
All to a man who had been nothing but a pain in their ass for a long time.
Cavendish sighed morosely, knowing what was coming, but welcoming it anyway.
"I promised I'd do this for Dakota… And I want to do this for them as well…"
"…Please… Please tell me if I hurt them as well…"
Suddenly, as Cavendish looked down, his eyes caught a…
A footprint.
Normally, a footprint wasn't important, but Cavendish felt strangely attracted to it…
Which meant that it had to do something with the people in his head.
Taking a deep breath, bracing himself, Cavendish got ready. "Well… Here goes nothing…"
Touching the footprint, Cavendish suddenly felt intense, powerful, all encompassing love.
Unconditional, unrestrained, unbelievable love.
Love that went to the top of his head to the ends of his toes.
Love that forgave, that forgot, that filled his essence to the brim.
Love that saw beyond the flaws, and found the beauty, that would sooth instead of scold, that would understand…
Love that didn't take a break.
Cavendish felt his whole soul shake and shiver, he felt his whole being light up…
And suddenly, he found himself…
Afraid.
This love…
He didn't need it.
He didn't want it.
Or…
Well…
He didn't deserve it.
They were better than him.
He could never really care for them.
He'd just ruin their lives…
Like he did Dakota's.
And suddenly, just like that, it was gone.
He had rejected them.
"No… No! Wait, I…", only now did Cavendish realize what he had done.
He didn't want to lose them!
Did he?
Maybe?
Wait, no!
Wait…
Wait…
Cavendish began to feel tired, and an odd sound of drumming sounded behind him as he began to destroy the footprint with his fingers.
Surely…
He loved them…
No?
The color drained from his face again, as he turned grey and lifeless, a husk behind dark eyes that closed shut as the sand swallowed him…
This time…
He didn't even bother to call for them.
He was afraid of it, almost.
Of their love.
"How could they?", he thought, as the sand turned to grey water, and he drowned and drowned, its evil whispers filling his ears with surrender.
"…How could they love me?"
And as he sunk and sunk and sunk, the water draining and drowning and drowsing, Cavendish's eyes could see the ones he loved…
No, wait, the ones who loved him…
Wait, no, you don't say…
"I do love them…"
"I do…"
"…Right?"
Cavendish began to panic.
Did…
Did he not?
Was he such a monster?
No!
NO NO NO NO!
No, it couldn't be!
Surely this was false!
Surely he did love them!
As he looked around, he saw that he wasn't drowning…
He was on a bed.
And around him were pictures of them.
And around him were their faces.
And around him were their words as they sang.
But he could barely hear the words.
And he didn't want to.
He just wanted to be left alone…
To do what he wants and be who he wants.
He didn't need others.
He was Balthazar Cavendish, and he didn't need anyone!
He was a man, and men need not be tied to other people, even wonderful people who love and care and make you feel like maybe life is worth living.
Even if they make you feel for once…
Even if you'd die for them…
You are only delaying the inevitable.
They don't need you.
So just distance yourself…
'Cause it's easier.
You can't get hurt if you never love, right?
But…
But he did love them!
No?
They had been such wonderful people to him…
Surely he did!
Surely he loved Monty, and Mauricia, and Zane, and Suzy, and Anna, and…
"…What?"
Cavendish…
He couldn't…
He couldn't remember their names.
Eyes widened in shock, he began to scream, only to zip himself up…
"BUT WHY?! I DO LOVE THEM! I DO!"
But no one could hear.
And perhaps…
He didn't want them to hear.
Perhaps he really did think it was easier like this.
Perhaps he really did want to be alone.
"I get to choose. I get to be who I want to be. I get whatever I want, I get whatever I desire, and no one forces me to try."
And then he thought…
"But I don't get to be loved."
And Cavendish began to wonder…
If that was worth losing…
If never surrendering was what was stopping him from being happy?
Never again to feel the soft embrace, never again to see the warmth in the smiles, never again to be loved…
All he had was himself.
But was that good enough?
Was that enough?
Why was he letting them go?
They didn't give up on him when he did.
And yet, here he was, letting them go.
"…But I… I do love them…"
"…Right?"
But Cavendish knew…
He had chosen that love was too hard…
He couldn't be with them…
Because he had decided to let them go.
"Well… I got what I wanted…", he thought, as he suddenly woke up in a bed of orange leaves, the wind howling as he found in the palm of his hands Dakota's head.
He wasn't even startled anymore as he caressed the hair, noting…
Balthazar Cavendish:
That The Automn Leaves Were Turning… To The Color Of His Hair…
And as he held the head close, he realized…
"But I lost you guys. I lost your weird, annoying, strange and sometimes outright inconvenient love."
He began to cry.
"I only wanted to be loved… And yet when I was… I threw it away."
He looked at the empty street.
He sighed.
"I am Balthazar T. Cavendish…"
He sighed again.
"And I am alone. Because I'm afraid… Of being loved. Because… Why?"
He asked, genuinely.
"Why… Am I afraid? Why am I being like this?"
He sobbed.
"It… It doesn't make sense."
And suddenly, he was next to the Breakfast Burrito store.
The place where it all started and ended.
But Cavendish was now not afraid of going in.
In fact, he was downright determined.
"…I have to know. I have to make things right. Just for once, Cavendish, just for once do something for them!"
And so, he walked in, for once ready to face his past…