Chapter 5. Sorry people. They first need a set back before they can move on with their relationship. Otherwise it's just far too easy. And what to do then with the 5 years we have to bridge. I have the uneasy feeling that the chapter is, well…. uneasy. But maybe that's just the way it should be. Like Clarisse and Joseph themselves, I think that I know how to continue this story, but I suddenly don't know jet if that is the right course.

I think that I won't have time next week to write. So, there will be a pause in the updates. But I will pick up the week after.

5. Just before returning to Genovia

Clarisse and Joseph were both in the Queen's office. They had just discussed returning to Genovia and decided that Clarisse would stick to the original schedule. Which meant that she would return to Genovia tonight. Joseph would come on the same plane originally, but together they had decided that it would be better if Joseph would accompany Amelia. The princess would fly over a few days later. She would not accompany her grandmother because royalty never shares the same plane.

After the kiss they had just said their goodbyes and both went to sleep. Or better said, went to bed. It took both of they quite some time to let sleep claim them. Both thinking about the kiss and about what would happen next?

Clarisse was happy that there was no awkwardness between Joseph and herself. They had just moved on where they stopped working the day before the kiss. And she was glad that was the case. Mostly because she knew what she had to tell him, to discuss with him. And this moment was their last chance before she would be back in Genovia, separated for a week or so from Joseph. And there were phones for sure. But this was something to address in person, not via the phone.

Joseph stood from the chair across the desk he was seated in. The meeting was over, so he wanted to go and attend other business he had to look at before Clarisse left tonight.

"Please stay for a moment longer?" Clarisse started.

Joseph looked at Clarisse and gave her a small smile. He knew they had to talk. But he hoped that he could keep the moment away a little longer. He knew which direction this was going. And he feared the moment that he had to tell Clarisse what she did not want to hear.

But he obliged and sat down again. Clarisse herself was still seated in her office chair.

"We have to… no… I want to talk about…what will happen with our private…relation…when we are back home" Clarisse stated somewhat nervous.

Joseph had a hard time keeping his eyes on Clarisse. He in general was not a weak man. But this type of talks, where woman talked about their feelings, it was just not his piece of cake.

It was the story of his life really. When he met a nice lady mostly at some point, they got more intimate. Which was great according to him. But then before he could fathom it, she wanted more, a relationship. It was not that he did not want to have a relationship. The lord knew he wanted it. He already missed his chance on having a family of his own. And it hurt. A lot. It felt like he failed in life one way or another.

But somehow, where he was good at making friends and keeping them for a long period of time, he was not good at romantic relationships. Starting them, no problem at all. Being intimate, having sex, having great holidays together, it all went splendidly.

But keeping the lady satisfied and being happy on the long term, that was the whole issue. There had been numerous reasons for all the breakups in his life. And he still couldn't imagine why it was exactly that he just could not keep a romantic relationship healthy.

What he did know was that his breakups where hard most of the time. When he stared a romantic relationship, eventually, no matter if it were weeks, months or years, that relation would be over and the friendship that first came with it would be gone. He rarely talked with his ex-girlfriends after breakup.

He did not want to lose his friendship with Clarisse. He wanted to stay at the palace until retirement, he was happy and content there. He had been struggling in his head for most of his spare time since their kisses.

Clarisse was beautiful and her kiss was…well, he had some dreams about her. His mind wanted to know how it was to go on a date, spend dinner together, watch a movie. His body wanted to know how it was to have sex with her. He wanted to know what her body looked like without all the makeup and designer outfits. How she would respond on intimate moments.

But he forced himself not to let his mind wander off in that direction now. He knew he had to choose between friendship and romance. And god while he wanted to investigate further on the intimate side of things, his fear to lose his friendship with her took the upper hand. He knew he had to tell her no at some point in time. Now that she addressed it, better do it strait away.

"Joseph? You look far away?" he heard her say.

Joseph stopped staring at Clarisse and took a deep breath.

"Yes, sorry I was lost in thought for a moment. But I did hear you. And before you say something, let me talk first?"

She nodded in response.

"I like you Clarisse I really do. I feel the spark when we are in one room together. And I certainly do not regret kissing you." Joseph kept looking at Clarisse her face to see how she would take in his words. To his surprise she gave him a smile and interrupted him with the words:

"But you feel that we should focus on our friendship, not on a romantic relationship?"

"Yes, I…" He paused for a moment. "How can it be that you always know what I want to tell you?"

She laughed softly.

"It's not that I know what you want to say. It's that I know how I feel about this. And besides that…us not developing a romantic relationship is the most obvious option."

Joseph crossed his legs and sat back in the chair, somewhat relieved.

"I confess I feared that you saw us married and settled already. And I'm just not good with relationships on the romantic side of things. You know all about my broken romances…."

Clarisse raised her brow at that.

"Yes! It's true. I'd rather have you as a good friend than as another one of my ex-girlfriends."

"Well, I did not think of it like that to be honest."

Now Joseph raised his brow. "You did not?"

"No. I am just not ready for a new relationship. I don't wear black any longer, but I still miss Rupert every day. It's just not…there has not been enough time to heal the wounds."

Joseph nodded. "I understand."

"And besides from that. I am only queen because of my marriage with Rupert. The main focus in my life for the coming years will be to educate Amelia. To make her ready for the throne."

"You and your duty all the time…." Joseph sighted.

Clarisse noticed that she was irritated by that last remark. She replied with a slightly raised voice.

"Yes, I understand that it's difficult for you to grasp the concept. But the last three decades of my life I've spend working on this royal duty. It's not easy for me to set it aside now. Especially now. It's my life, not just a simple…how do you name that…crush."

Joseph could not believe his ears.

"Simple crush! That is very unroyal of you to say." He had a twinkle in his eyes as to tempt her to jump on his remark. But she did not.

Silence fell. Both caught up in their separate thoughts.

It was Clarisse who broke the silence after a while.

"So, we just keep going the way we were doing before. Working together and being friends. But nothing more." It was a statement, not a question.

"Yes, that would be best."

"Good."

"Yes, good."

Joseph felt he had to ask.

"Will you still allow me to touch you during work? Guiding you through the mass or…"

"Yes, yes, sure you can. But soon you won't be my bodyguard anymore, remember."

Joseph reminded himself that indeed that was the case. He nodded.

Silence fell again.

"I do feel sad and a little confused I must admit." Clarisse suddenly said while staring at her desk. "I know and feel that being friends with you will make me happier then anything else. But there is this small part of me that…" She stopped talking.

"A small part of you that what?" Joseph probed.

"I…I can't. Just... I don't know. Just leave it be." Feeling that she gave away too much Clarisse stared to retreat. She was not going to confess that she secretly wanted to walk over to him and pull him into a hug.

"Does it help when I tell you that I still will admire you a lot. Seeing a beautiful woman." Joseph tried to encourage her.

"Well…"

Clarisse stared to feel awkward discussing this. She suddenly wanted out of this conversation with Joseph. Not address the spark any longer now that they decided not to give it room. It would be difficult enough.

"Just let's put this behind us. Let's just move on with the day. I have a lot to finish here before I leave."

Joseph sighted.

"All right. If you really don't want to talk about it, I leave it be as you say."

Like Clarisse, Joseph felt uneasiness spreading trough his body. He reminded himself that this was the right path to follow. But while he stood and took the doorknob in his hand, he felt confused. He felt the urge to walk over to her and kiss her. But he had to desist. It would be difficult to ignore the spark. How difficult, time could only tell.