Chapter 13.
Skipping towards right after the 'have you been thinking about us' scene. I did not get up with anything useful to write about the time in between the proposal and this moment. I'd rather spend time on what's coming next.
13. After the table selection
Clarisse stood in the ballroom trying to hold back tears not very successfully. One drop escaped from her eye and fell on the table. Joseph had asked her if she had been thinking about them. They were dancing so nicely and a few seconds later everything blew apart.
She had been thinking about Joseph a lot since his strange proposal. She wanted to tell him that they had to wait for a few months, but that yes, she wanted him as husband. She had been afraid that waiting was not on his schedule. And apparently, based on his reaction from a few minutes ago, he found her not worth it to wait.
Of course, she had to finish her duty first and then she would be free to date a little more and then marry him. For sure he understood that? She sighted and let her hand wander over one of the plates. The same hand that lay on his cheek a few minutes ago.
It felt like there was a crack in her heart. He did not even allow her to finish whatever she had to say. He just walked away from her and called her his queen instead of Clarisse. His suggestion that she wanted him to see her foremost as his queen was just not true.
Where did this come from? He called her Clarisse for years now. They were friends for years. They shared kissed and talked a lot lately. It had to be clear for him that she wanted him to see her as a woman. She told him she was in love with him!
Stupid silly man. If he was going to act this way, he would not be worth it to marry her anyway. She was not going to give in and run after him. Clarisse felt her sorrow change into anger and irritation.
Her fist idea had been to go to him this evening to make up and talk things trough. A small fight between friends or lovers happened every now and then. It was no reason for a complete breakup. But no way she was going to take the first step. This was his mistake, not hers. She could be stubborn if necessary.
Clarisse quickly wiped her tears away with her fingers and set herself to work. Her frustration helping her to carry on with the tasks at hand.
Joseph sat in his rooms and waited and waited until it was far after midnight. She would not come. She would not visit him and apologise. She would not hurry into his arms and kiss him, offer to talk about it.
He swore to himself. He could have known. She probably already knew that she would not marry him anyway. Just enjoying his attentions for the time being. At least she was decent enough not to share her bed with him. Not playing with him in that way.
Another disappointment in life. He knew what he had to do. He had always done it this way after breakups, and it served him well until now. So, he knew he would do it again. A clean breakup would be best.
He poured himself a glass of whiskey and drowned it. Then a second glass. Coughing after swallowing the sharp liquid. He had to be at least a little drunk in order to do this. To write his letter of resignation and deliver it to her office.
If he stayed sober, he would not be able to push through. He loved her too much. But he had to do it. If he did not leave, he would stay. Seeing her every day, knowing that she did not love him enough. Suffering from his own love for her.
While he sat behind his computer typing the dreaded letter, he drank a third glass. It was a short letter, clear, with as little text as possible. He pressed the print button, took the piece of paper and signed it. He saved himself the trouble of grabbing an envelope. He would deliver it plain as it was.
He left his room and walked towards her office as quickly as he could in his slightly drunken condition. At this time of the night this part of the palace was nearly empty. The guards that he did pass did not ask him where he was going and why. One of the benefits being the boss.
He rushed into her office and towards her desk where he placed the letter in full sight. He knew that she would come here first thing in the morning after her breakfast. She would notice it and read it for sure. While brushing against her chair he saw one of her scarfs on the seat. Picking it up he held the scarf against his face, and he breathed in her scent.
He realised that he would never hold her again or be close enough to be able to feel her skin again. The effects of the alcohol where working on his body and he was getting emotional. He could not say goodbye to her scent yet. He had to take the scarf. She owned so many scarfs that she probably wouldn't miss this particularly one.
He stuffed the scarf into his pocket and walked back in order to leave but paused at the door. He looked into the dark room where he could just distinguish the white piece of paper on the surface of the desk. He was tempted to run back and grab it. But it would do no good.
He left and walked back to his own rooms slamming the door shut behind him. He tried to get himself a fourth glass of whisky but the was only a gulp left. Swallowing the last bit he threw the empty bottle into a corner. It did not shatter and that made him even angrier.
With nothing left to do he walked towards the bed and sat down on the edge. While he started to cry he took the scarf from his pocket and pressed it to his face again. Sobbing into it he sank into his pillow.
In-between sobs he said to himself and the empty toom, "Why did you refuse me? I love you so much. It….it hurts so much."
The sound of his phone ringing woke Joseph the next morning. His head was suffering from the alcohol while he sat up and pressed the answer button. It was one of his men asking where he was. He quickly looked at his watch which was still on his wrist. Ten in the morning. Shit.
Stumbling an apology he ended the conversation. He found himself still in bed, clothed in yesterdays attire and having a hangover. He slowly realised the events of yesterday.
He moaned and dropped back to bed.
What a stupid fool he was. He was still upset about her answer and actions from yesterday. He still longed for her to say yes. But why on earth did he act so rashly? They were friends for years. His timing was stupid. He could have talked to her about it later.
But instead he made a bigger mess of the whole situation. She would have read his letter by now. So he could not grab it back, undo things. But he still could try and do some damage control. He loved her, he knew that she loved him at least till some extend. There must be a way somehow.
Despite his headache he spurred himself into action. Washing his face, putting on a clean shirt and trousers. Finding painkillers and swallowing them with some water. But when he was about to rush out of his rooms in order to talk to her, he stopped himself.
"No Joseph" he whispered. "This is what you always do wrong."
This was where it always went wrong with him and his romantic relationships. By nature, he was calm and friendly. When he fell in love it always started nicely. But when love fully claimed him, he turned into a lunatic. His rushed actions driven by love driving away his loved one.
Today was the day before the royal wedding of princess Amelia. So that meant that Clarisse had something else to think about and work on now. He had to wait till the day after the wedding to talk with her.
He walked trough the corridor towards one of the balcony's from where he could oversee the garden. He knew that according to her schedule Clarisse would probably be there. He turned out to be right, she was outside with her dog.
While looking down at her he fiercely hoped that he could mend things with her.
Meanwhile Clarisse walked trough the garden. She had to work on the last details regarding the wedding, but again her mind was occupied elsewhere.
He actually resigned. Did she hurt him that much with her answer? Why did he not give them a change to talk about it? She was sorry for being so stubborn yesterday. She wished that…..oh….it was no use….
She was not panicking, rather some sort of grief started to consume her. She realised that she loves him more than she knew. She remembered him saying that he always ends his romantic relations with a clear cut. Now that she finally found true love, she was afraid that she already lost it before it even really stared.