My mother was a kind woman. But she made a lot of bad choices.

I was one of them.

My name is Eric Cartman, and this is my story.

Ever since I found out that my mom was a crack addict, prostituting herself to get more, and likely still had the drug in her system when she bore me out of wedlock, I was appalled and disgusted.

Not with her, but with myself. For allowing my past to consume me.

I was lucky to not have been born a twitchy deformed crack baby, and lord help me if my future child was harmed in any way...

Patty and I had been married for a few years now, and she was heavily pregnant with my unborn baby. I swore that I would protect him or her no matter what.

Sure, Patty had been disgusted with me back in our elementary school days. But she eventually saw that there was more to me than just a fat psychotic Nazi wannabe. We eventually fell in love, got married, had the sweetest and most gentle sex ever, and I got her pregnant.

Am I still one of the biggest jerks in the world? Yes. But I am working on bettering myself.

I know it may sound surprising, but feeding my dad to my half-brother was a bit extreme. Even if my half-brother was a total dick.

But he's an orphan, and with my mother dead from a drug overdose (surprise surprise), so am I, so now we're even.

Still, I didn't want the baby to have a miserable life.

As much as I hate doctors, I've been trying to seek therapy. But I can't really afford it, and shrinks are difficult to come by these days.

I just don't want everyone to hate me once I'm dead.

Anyway, back to the story.

Patty and I were staying in a cheap hotel for a while. She felt that the stress of everyday life wasn't good for the baby, and she needed to get away from South Park for a while and rest. Since she's so big from the pregnancy, she needs help walking because her feet hurt. And since I've been struggling with my weight for years, I wasn't much better.

We found a quiet, dimly-lit room with one bed for us to share. I helped Patty take a seat and rubbed her sore heels.

"Everything alright, honey?" I said, still panting after helping Patty up the stairs.

"Yeah, just tired," she gasped, flopping down on the bed.

"I hope the baby's okay," I wondered.

"Of course," assured Patty. "And I know, no naming it after your mother if it's a girl."

I sighed sadly. "I know".

Patty took notice of my sad expression. "Sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

My eyes started to get misty. "It's fine. I just... haven't been feeling like myself since she died. Sure, she was messed up, but I never wished for this to happen."

Patty smoothed down my hair while I cried into her lap. "It's normal to grieve. After all, she was really the only family you had."

I sniffled. "I miss coming home to her cooking after school."

She patted my back. "Just let it out."

"AAAAAGGGHHH!" I sobbed.

A few hours after I felt a little better, I cuddled in bed next to Patty. I always needed some comfort after crying like that.

I draped my arm across her chest protectively. "Will the baby be here soon?"

"Yes, very soon. I barely have the strength to stand," Patty answered.

"Don't worry. I'll make sure you're both safe," I promised.

Patty gave my chest a little kiss. "Now get some sleep. We've had a long and rough day."

TO BE CONTINUED