Chapter 22: My kids.
Danny was silent. A silent Danny meant he was troubled and his mind was traveling fast. It was not unusual, though, to find him like this after his highly traumatic experience.
"Hey buddy". Steve greeted with a smile as he sat down on the chair at Danny´s side after going to the cafeteria to retrieve some juice. Peeling the straw and inserting it on the small box of peach juice, he extended his arm and offered Danny the sweat drink by approaching him the sorbet to his mouth. Accepting it, Danny sipped several times and, that way, managed to reduce the dryness the night has left on his mouth.
"Thanks".
"No problem. If you want more tell me". Steve placed it on the bedside table, near the water jar.
Leaning heavily back on the chair, Steve fixed his sight on his friend´s face.
Feeling a presence scrutinizing him, Danny lifted his eyes and found his partner´s gaze on him.
"What?"
"What what?" The commander didn´t actually realize what he was doing.
"Seriously?"
Steve smiled and smoothed his face expression. "Sorry buddy". He fall into account that he was burning a hole on Danny´s head with his look. After a prolonged pause, he admitted. "I´m just worried about you". He doubted making this admission, but Danny has always told him to express his sentiments. So now, he tried to apply what he had always been told but at the same time has always been reticent to put into practice. He chose to share this feeling with Danny to also coax his friend to talk. He knew he was going to feel guilty for "manipulating" his partner like this, but it always has turned out to be the fastest way to make him open up when something troubled and silenced him. "You want to talk about last night?"
Danny sighted. "I had two major killer cramps".
Steve lowered his head, trying to hide the grin that involuntary appeared in the corner of his mouth.
"I´m glad you think it´s funny".
"It´s not, it´s absolutely not. But that´s not what I asked, and you know it". He couldn´t help smiling, because although troubled and buried deep down, It was still his friend´s usual self. Growing serious, he asked again. "Mmm? Want to talk about the nightmare? I heard talking helps".
Danny looked at him as if he had grown two heads and just when Steve though he would hear something sarcastic, his partner closed his eyes and buried himself more on the pillows. After a few minutes of silence, in which Steve thought and assumed his friend wasn´t willing to talk and share anything, he was pulled away from his thoughts when his partner suddenly opened up.
"I´m always back on that place". The voice was extremely low, and the knot on his throat was almost palpable. Eyes closed, Danny made a two minute pause again. His inner struggle was evident. Steve desperately wanted to say something, to support his friend with some words, but he knew those words would sound empty and meaningless.
He could never stand on his partner´s shoes and feel the way he did. So he chose not to say anything and respect his partner´s time to gather his thoughts, memories and courage together and share his inside and feelings with him. He did, though, maintain his eyes fixed and expectant on Danny´s face, not scrutinizing him as before but wanting to emanate the so much needed friendship and support.
"I saw… Grace and Charlie… they were there… on that horrid place". Danny swallowed the knot and breathed in with difficulty.
"Easy pal…"
"They were looking for me, but they couldn't see me…" Two long and thick tears rolled down his cheeks from his now open blue eyes. "I miss them so much…"
"Hey" Steve let Danny dry by himself his face with the bandage of his hand. "You know that´s completely solvable buddy. We can bring them here to see you any time". Steve couldn´t help to smile at his friend´s brighten up expression and interested eyes. He looked so innocent and fragile that it actually hurt. Steve tried to lighten up the topic. "I´ll tell you more, I´ll be veeery happy too because all those kids tell me when I see them is when I´ll bring them to see you, so… would you free me from those begging ticks, uh? Please?"
"They want to come?"
"Are you kidding me? Danny! Come on. They´re dying to!"
This time, it was Danny´s turn to not be able to hide his smile. It was a happy and proud beautiful smile, and Steve was somehow relieved to see his old friend´s usual self when he thought about his kids. Nevertheless, he wanted to be sure this was a secure step to take. "You know Dr. Hale said you´re ready to reunite with them any time. I´d love them to come but I want you to be ok with it, to be sure and not pressured by anything or anyone, less by me".
"Yes, I want to…"
"But?" Steve knew something was up.
"Sometimes I dream that I can´t take care of them so they are taken away from me. I don´t know… I feel helpless and they are mad at me, on the dream…" Danny paused and breathed deeply.
"You just said it yourself Danny: "on the dream". It´s your fear playing tricks with you. I assure you a hundred percent that they love you the same as always, if not more, buddy".
"Yeah…"
"You can be sure of it, because it´s the truth. Those kids adore you and thing nothing more than to see you and hug their daddy".
Danny smiled again. There were obviously moments in which his heard and love launched him forward to reach for his kids, but at the same time there were other moments in which his traumatized mind and fears played against him and obliged him to avoid and doubt what he desired and loved most.
Steve was a primal witness of that cruel dualism and knew that his role was helping his friend to deal with it and fight the unreal thoughts that made him doubt the love and support of those who loved him the most.
"Today´s Saturday so, what you say?" He smiled enthusiastically to his friend. "We call your parents to bring them along when they come?"
Danny´s face brightened up as never before after his rescue. Still, his answer remained doubtful. "Ok…"
"It´s ok, you can think about it buddy".
The possibility of losing the opportunity of seeing his kids that day motivated him to overcome his fears and crumpled self-esteem. "No no, I want to, I want to see them, please…"
"Alright then, we´ll make the call".
Steve could sense his partner´s anxiety trespassing him as he reached past him to lever the head of the bed up a little bit more. When, on the far background sounds the principal ICU door opened, he could practically hear Danny´s strong and rapid heartbeats. Placing a hand on his shoulder in support, Steve used the motion to also help Danny in gaining a more upright and stronger position.
"Charlie, don´t run on the ICU!" An instant big smile appeared on the proud dad face as he heard his daughter´s shushed voice and the rapid running snickers of his energetic boy. As her words died without being heard or acknowledged, the second pair of feet also started running to keep up with her brother and soon the two most precious persons in his world entered his room with flushed cheeks and ragged breathing of exertion and anticipation. As soon as they saw their father smiling and trying to reach them, they fled to his side. Charlie jumped up the bed and caught him with all his force by his neck. Grace reached the bed and was instantly engulfed by the embrace. Danny´s arms were forced to surround each one of his kids the best he could. Grace hided her face on his neck and chest, and anyone could tell she was crying. Charlie, on the other hand, was laughing with joy and shaking their embrace. Danny, for his part, was a mix of both, he was crying happy tears, but also he was smiling.
"I love you Danno" "I missed you daddy". Both simultaneously spoken statements filled Danny´s heart with joy, pride and love. His chest expanded to give place to his filled heart and he breathed in deeply. "I love you both so much. I´m so sorry for everything".
He had so much to say, but instead he chose to relish this moment in silence. He abandoned himself on that beautiful hug, on his daughter´s delicate arms and in his son´s tiny ones. Those arms clung to him with no intention to let him go anytime soon. Danny´s painful and strained body was very grateful for Steve to be there supporting his back. But his partner arranged the pillows behind him and finally eased him to lie back on the elevated bed, so he was still sitting up. Silently, with all the intention to leave them some alone and private time, Steve exited the room and joined Danny´s parents sitting on the row of plastic chairs on the waiting area.