A/N: Thank you very very much for the reviews. They keep me going! :)
Chapter 36: The right decision
"Ok Danny" Dr. Hale chose to break the ice while he opened his laptop and searched for some files. "Tell me, how was your homecoming? It has been a couple of days now, and we kind of miss you here" The doctor smiled and tried to make this the most enjoyable as possible for the nervous man sitting in front of him.
Danny´s lips went up, forming a shy smile to reward his doctor´s joke. "It was very nice. They threw me a little party with my kids in my house …"
Dr. Hale nodded, thoughtful. "Not that I overdid it" Danny hastened to clarify, because that day he had been on the verge of being denied the release due to an anxiety attack. "I actually fell asleep on the couch in the middle of it".
The psychiatrist laughed, and some of Danny´s tension left his shoulders as he saw that the doctor didn´t seem upset but instead made an amused mock and teased him about being boring. Both had laughed and Dr. Hale´s purpose of breaking the ice had been accomplished.
"And these first days, how are you feeling? Is someone staying with you?"
"Steve´s staying with me"
"Ok, that´s good. That's good." After a pause, he inquired: "And how do you feel having someone staying with you?"
Danny thought for a minute. The fact was that without his friends, he highly doubted he would even get out of bed. "It helps me…a lot" Only receiving a nod as response, Danny understood he had to extend his answer a bit more. "They help me through the panic attacks…"
"Do they happen often?" Dr. Hale inquired seriously as he busied himself writing something on his laptop at the same time he paid attention to the detective.
Danny changed his position on the armchair, sitting himself further back, as if looking for additional support. "Once a day for sure… always. And almost every day two times. Sometimes three and, sometimes I woke up in the middle of one".
Big admission about a very painful reality.
"Ok Danny, before we continue, I would like to have a little chat with you about our meetings. We have been seeing each other since you arrived here at the hospital for the first time, and I´m very deep embedded on your situation and what has happened to you, of course on the length in which you chose to share, as well as the progress you´ve been achieving this past months. The idea is, and for this we don´t want to impose to you but instead that you choose it freely, to continue meeting and doing a progressive and profound therapy in which you can share and talk about whatever you want to in order to start to overcome this PTSD that you have right now. I never told you this before, but I specialize in cases like yours with people with different kind of traumas, so, you see, you´re neither the only nor the first one." Danny´s focus was completely on what the doctor was saying, trying to understand where he intended to go. So, Dr. Hale continued. "Again, of course, I don´t want you to come here obligated, that´s not the best of the ideals to do such long term therapy. You are free to choose, but in order to determine your decision please consider all the process you´ve been doing and where you´re at. I personally consider, according with what you have been through, that's very important, if not essential, that you continue with the psychiatric therapy. Also, I´ll be able to see and determine if you would need the aid of some kind of medicine. But for that it´s very important to continue with a progressive and ongoing basis of meetings." Dr. Hale knew for a fact that he´d prescribe Danny some pills, but he chose to deliver the fact to him with subtlety. Danny kept paying him the same attention, and it was obvious his brain was going miles an hour. He continued. "So, you come here today because your partner arranged an appointment for you, because that´s what we´ve discussed when you were still hospitalized, but now, we really need it to be you the one that makes this his own choice. Of course, we can´t force you to do it. So, Danny, what do you think?" Before the detective could begin to formulate a glimpse of an answer, the physician added something to his speech, something he apparently didn´t want to left unspoken. "I really need you to understand, and I repeat my though here, that according with your case it´s rather essential to, sooner or later, cope with what you´ve experienced".
The doctor finally made a pause. On his effort to make Danny realize that he needed to continue with the therapy, he couldn´t stop talking.
Danny´s hands were attached to each other, fingers interlaced and almost white due to the strength that he was applying. His blue eyes where big, and at some moments lost the doctor´s dark ones during the speech but then returned to focus on them, like when he heard the word ´medicine´ and when he heart that coming here was, actually, his own choice.
"So, I have a say on this? It´s my choice to come?" Moved by the need to free his crumpled and trampled will, that for months have been subdued to what others said, Danny blinked slowly, at the same time as he saw his doctor nodding at a slower pace. Danny smiled, falling into account of something he seemed to have forgotten. He was a free man, nobody could tell him what to do, of where to go. But as the smile came, it left, leaving a bitter taste on his mouth. What kind of free man needed the permanent presence of his friend to feel safe; what king of free and independent man woke up screaming almost every night; what kind of self-dependent man needed to be picked up from a tub and assisted after completely blocking out while taking a shower? Danny lowered his head, looking at his scarred hands and wrists. He was no bounded to a bed anymore, and his friends, nor his doctors, could force him to do something he didn't want to. But the reality was that, although not bounded physically, his soul felt trapped and his mind still hurt with dreadful and dark memories. Danny was no dumb, he was an intelligent man and he knew he needed help, and a lot of healing. So, although he had a mental breakdown for having to prepare for this meeting, he was completely aware that if he wanted to heal, he needed to go through this; he needed to confront his natural desire to keep what has happened just to him. But he also knew that he also could not think only on himself. Maybe, if he was alone, he would permit himself to crawl into bed and remain on a fetal position under the covers or lost himself on the land of drinks, but there were his kids. He could not let them down. He could not give up, for them. In that instant, Danny resolved he would face the fear of coming and opening up in order to spare his children to see their dad crumble and fall. And not only for Grace and Charlie, but also for Steve, his loyal friend who had been at his side 24/7; his friends, his family, and everybody that, until now, has been there at his side making sure he stayed with his head above the water.
Danny´s hands started trembling, and a cold sweat started forming on its palms and on his forehead and neck. Oh God, not now. The fear of the oncoming panic attack, which always warned of his coming with a noisy blood stream circulation and changes of temperature alongside a copious sweat, was almost as bad as the panic attack itself. With hands shaking due to trepidation, Danny managed to unbutton the top of his shirt and then cleaned his forehead from sweat with the back of his shaking hand. Damn it. The mere thought of his decision to continue with the therapy sessions put him on the verge of an attack. He lifted his sight when he heard a noise in front of him. Dr. Hale went to the water dispenser and filled up a glass, placing it at Danny´s reach on the desk. Danny had been so focused on his thoughts and feelings and in making the decision that he had blocked everything out and hadn´t heard the doctor moving around. Danny quickly grabbed the armchair´s armrests when he felt the doctor lowering the back of the seat, to recline him a few inches more and unintentionally a scared grump escaped his lips.
"Relax, lean back and leave some tension off your body, breathe deeply and let it out slowly. Everything is fine. You don´t need to do anything. Just concentrate on yourself".
Danny took three deep breaths as told and opened his eyes. He found the glass of water in front of his mouth so he opened and allowed the bigger man to assist him on taking a few sips of the cool and crystal liquid. Feeling vulnerable, Danny tried to sit up straight but the doctor applied pressure on his shoulders, obliging him to maintain the position.
"I need to sit up please…" Danny´s plea made on a scared voice took the doctor by surprise, so he apologized and returned the armchair to a straight position right away.
"Sorry Danny, take your time, keep your breathing into account and relax. Everything is fine" At the soothing voice, Danny closed his eyes and rested his head on the back of the armchair. Dr. Hale returned to his seat and busied himself on his laptop, surely writing about the incident.
"I want to do the therapy, continue…" Danny´s voice was broken, leaving at clear sight his scared and vulnerable soul. He took a deep breath. Making this decision was, obviously, against of what his heart and mind desired. It was evident that he had thought on others to make it. It was very brave and the doctor smiled compassionately and breathed a silent deep breath in for himself, because the detective took the right choice. Leaning forward and leaning his forearms on his desk, Dr. Hale smiled and encouraged his deflated patient "Congratulations Danny. You´ve made the right choice"
Danny felt some tension go away from his chest. This doctor knew him, and his approval was apparently important to him. He knew this doctor wasn´t judging him on the panic attack issue, because they had done this same thing before, on his hospital room. Dr. Hale knew about them and it was good, because now he was here to treat them and get better.
Dearing to open his eyes, Danny found the dark eyes fixed on his.
"Sorry about that, I couldn't help it"
"I don´t want to hear that word again here. Understand?"
Danny nodded, acknowledging what the doctor meant.
"As I said Danny, it´s the right decision. I´m glad you choose to continue with the consults" His light tone helped Danny made sure that he had taken the right choice, besides the doctor telling him so, and he relaxed a little bit more.
"Ok, so we´re going to go easy, we don´t need to rush anything. I want you to understand that the pace will be yours, the one you choose, no pressures"
"Ok" Danny felt relieved, and allowed himself a shy smile.
"Ok". The doctor copied Danny´s response and smile, and then added. "Due to the amount of medicines you´ve been prescribed while hospitalized we, I mean Dr. Kalama and I, agreed in that moment that we could not overload you on drugs. But now that you´re out of sedatives and stuff, I´ll like to prescribe you a pill to help you deal with your PTSD, to help you battle the panic attacks which are a result and a cruel overcome of the trauma you´ve suffered. It´ll help you through anxiety and also help you to strengthen and ease up your sleep as well. You ok with it?"
Danny´s mind knew this was coming. He´ll be on meds now. Just great. But he also knew that he needed them, because his mind kept blocking out, kept fighting him and he needed help dealing with it; because his strength was coming short and he didn´t want to be a victim of his own troubled thoughts anymore.
"Yes, I´m ok with it" His response was automatic, empty of any enthusiasm or emotion, as he had not choice but to agree, as if he had fallen on a place in which he knew he would fall sooner or later. His glassy eyes followed the pen as it drew almost unintelligibly words on a prescription sheet. Danny´s body shook when the doctor strongly put on the stamp and then scribbled his big signature on top of it, own of a great personality. Danny blinked his focused stare away and, before the doctor looked at him while handing him the prescription, he quickly dried away the tear that loosened itself from his long eyelashes and then rolled down his recently shaved cheek.