A/N: Thank you very much for reading and reviewing!
Chapter 37: When to be sorry
Steve pushed the glass door and left the pharmacy and crossed the street on a light trot towards the parked Camaro. On his left hand he held a paper bag which contained the prescribed pills for Danny. They had stopped their trip back home from the hospital to get the indicated medication. The commander knew, as soon as Danny left Dr. Hale´s office with the prescription that he would be the one going to the pharmacy, but he hadn't volunteered right away but chose to let Danny take the initiative.
As they neared the location of the open pharmacy on the same road Steve had taken, Danny thought his partner had probably made it on purpose, so he knew that if he didn´t ask now he would be asked. He decided to spare his friend the awkward broken of the silence and instead he suddenly asked on a dull voice.
"Would you buy this for me?" Moving the paper near Steve for him to see; he then lowered his hand to rest on his leg and kept his sight fixed on the stamped little sheet. He hated himself for not being capable of going to buy his own damn medicine, but he consciously tried to cut himself some slack and so he calmed down, justified with the idea of not being able to stand and walk long distances. Actually, that´s why they had a wheelchair neatly folded on the trunk.
"Of course I would" Steve response stole him away from his pitiful thoughts and coming back to his senses, Danny realized they were already parked below a three shadow and Steve was already off the seatbelt. Next, the prescription was taken from his hand and the driver´s door opened. "I´ll be right back" and his partner was off, closing the door gently. At least something has happened perfectly today: the pharmacy happened to be in the right place at the right time. Danny chuckled, alone in the car. Resting his head on the head support of the seat, he looked outside the window towards a near park, where kids and toddlers were playing and their moms or nannies were sitting nearby. He smiled, and then he closed his eyes, shutting himself away from the reality. They should be keeping this island safe, for these kids and their families and no parking outside a pharmacy buying pills for a traumatized useless cop. Steve was the best of the best. His task-force was the elite, and they were wasting all their time and resources away on taking care of him. At that instant, Danny despised himself and didn't bother to move or look at his partner as he reentered the car and placed the paper bag on the dashboard.
"Here you go buddy" Steve smiled but then stopped a moment to contemplate Danny´s turned away face, considering if his partner had fallen asleep or not. As his friend took a shuddering deep breath, Steve realized he was actually awake, but evidently not desiring any human contact. Respecting his wish, he started the engine and drove the rest of the way home.
Standing, leaning on the counter on Danny´s kitchen while he waited for the food to finish heating up, Steve read the indications Dr. Hale has written, referring how and when Danny should take the pills. He read it for a second time to make sure he interpreted well the awful handwriting. Reaching for the medicine bottle, he took one pill out. Steve placed it on the plate where he´d put Danny´s food. The paper read at night, with the dinner, that´s what it said. Returning his sight to the microwave, where Renee´s delicious food was circling slowly inside, Steve thought about these afternoon events, or better said, about the almost uneventful afternoon. After the silent drive back, he couldn´t avoid Danny to going straight to bed and disappear below the sheets. He couldn´t convince him to eat lunch or even take a light tea with water biscuits. He hadn´t even tried to make him open up. All he had found out, apart from the prescription of pills, was that the therapy will continue, much for his peace of mind, and that Danny has had a panic attack during the session. After those short explanations Danny had shut down completely, verbally and physically, sleeping restlessly for the rest of the day. Lou have come over and brought the nutritious food for the night. His wife´s big heart made its appearance in very nice food form, for which all tired and worn men were very thankful. The big Chicago man stayed and was now busy on the task of getting Danny up and seated on the dinner table, not a very simple duty, but he has volunteered to do it and so he let Steve alone in the kitchen, where they had spent most of the afternoon talking, thinking ideas and determining the most adequate steps to follow. Steve had shared with him what has happened at the doctor´s and how Danny has avoided talking or looking at him afterwards. So, Lou knew exactly what to expect, and that´s exactly what he found upon entering Danny´s bedroom.
After leaving the car parked on the street outside his house, Danny reluctantly sat on the wheelchair and let Steve take him inside. It was only noon, but he recognized he was beat, more mentally than physically, but it reverberated in the same way. First, the tragic scene at the shower; then the push up of feeling good with the result of his elegant appearance; then the enormous anxiety during the drive to the hospital and waiting for the doctor; then the second panic attack of the day with his doctor; then the shocking news of his medication; and then the unfounded but still devastating feeling of not deserving his friends time and care, he even felt for a moment that he didn´t deserved their love. He knew, deep down, that it wasn´t truth, but the feeling of a knife embedded on his heart was there nonetheless. He felt disgustingly bad for blocking Steve out and not talking to him since they left the pharmacy, but the internal battle he was fighting between his troubled mind and his feelings was the only thing in which he could put his strength on. After they had entered the house, Steve had went back to the car to retrieve the bottle of pills left in the dashboard, and when he came back, Danny was no longer sitting on the wheelchair. It was on the same place, but his partner was not. He could see Danny disappearing through the corridor, towards his bedroom. After locking the front door and placing the paper bag on the little table by the wall, Steve had followed him and found his friend sitting on the side of the bed. ´Hey, don´t we eat something first. I´m kind of starving you know? Aren´t you hungry?´ Steve had tried to prevent Danny from burring himself bellow the covers right away, but he had failed. ´Please let me sleep Steve´. Those were the last words the commander had heard from Danny. ´Ok´. Steve had gone back from his mental decision of making Danny wait to sleep when he heard his friend saying ´please´. It meant that Danny was on his last thread of strength and capability of remaining centered. At the risk of eliciting the third panic attack of the day and not wanting to put Danny through it, he had allowed his friend to have his way. This was something he would ask Dr. Hale next Thursday, when he would have his appointment with Danny´s psychiatrist.
Danny had been unable to move, like cemented and paralyzed on the bed. He was unfoundedly scared by his thoughts and the fear that produced having to share his feelings. It was like a paradox, he didn´t wanted to burden his friends but he was not even able to lie down on the bed. He had hated himself so much then, when Steve approached and, taking his rigid hands with his strong ones and forcing them to open and loose its deadly grip on the sheets. Danny had then despised himself when his friend had then helped him come back from wherever place his mind had wandered. Steve had smiled without being able to hide his sorrow when finally Danny´s troubled eyes came back to reality, and the detective had finally ceased his resistance and, without being able to stop the silent tears that rolled down his face, allowed his partner to take his shoes off and help him to lie down and cover him up. Steve hadn´t even suggested him changing his clothes, to spare his friend from a task that he was sure would have buried Danny on a much darker place. Steve knew his friend. Although they were transiting new and unexplored terrains, Danny was Danny, and Steve had an itch that this behavior had a lot to do with the detective´s desire to not bother his loved ones with his constant dependence. Also, Danny apologized for almost everything, and tried to do the things on his own.
Steve guessed that this has been another kind of panic attack, which manifested itself by not letting Danny move, while his mind fought with his foes on his own, somewhere else. It had taken the need to implement new strategies to ease Danny off and free from the cruel claws of his torture. Steve had left the bedroom with lips and jaw tight with anger at the unfairness of what Danny had to be going through. He left when he was sure his partner was asleep, fully clothed and hiding his head between his arms, but asleep.
Danny had fallen asleep due to exhaustion more than because he was on a calm state which called him to sleep and disappear through a peaceful land of dreams. His heart hammered erratically and painfully and his mind was a prisoner of negative thoughts that didn´t allow him to believe that he was good enough for receiving all the help and care he was receiving. He had gone to sleep despising himself, thinking his friends would be better now if he had actually died during his captivity and not having to deal with his traumatized ass; thinking Grace and Charlie would grow up better remembering their strong and cheerful father rather than having to deal with their dad´s struggles; thinking everyone would be living their lives by now and not having to be stuck with him and his necessities. Danny had gone to sleep not being able to contain the silent tears that followed those which Steve had dried with so much care and compassion. His friend, oh how he deserved so much more than having to be doing this. How his heart ached for not being able at the moment to heal quicker. Danny had gone to sleep self-conscious that this wasn´t, during the last for months, the first time that he had gone to sleep crying. But his crying always had had another reason, another motive. While captive, he cried mostly for being able to regain his freedom; while hospitalized, he cried at the helplessness of not thinking he could ever get better. But now, he felt trapped again, and alone. Not because his friends and family wasn´t there, but because, mentally, he wanted them to continue with their lives and stop having trouble and heartaches because of him. He didn´t want to be the reason why his friend´s lives stilled.
Two times had Danny previously woken up during that afternoon. The first time he came back because of a loud and near honk from the street brought him back. He had taken the opportunity to get the belt released and off along with his slacks, which he had thrown on the floor at the side of the bed. Sleeping with clothes was highly uncomfortable, and somehow it reminded a little his imprisonment. The second time he woke up was due to the loud sound of a knocking on the front door. He had paid a little attention and heard Steve talking with someone. He made almost sure it was Lou, and when the voices had disappeared in the distance he had managed to get rid of the annoying shirt, which was making him hot and strangled and have covered with the sheet up to his nose, disappearing almost completely from sight.
And now, waking up again, he found that it was already dark and the lights from the street made its way through the windows and curtains. He groggily considered about what had woken him up this time when he almost jumped as a big figure moved and turned the night lamp on at the side of his bed.
"Hey Danny" Lou´s calm voice addressed him and brought the sleepy man a bit further awake. Rubbing his eyes to clear them and at the same time to protect them from the bright yellow light of his lamp, Danny sunk further on the pillows.
"Hi" His hoarse voice was a somatization of his aching heart. But, actually, the hours of sleep had done him very good. He had been really tired and seeing everything dark, but now he felt more renewed and a bit more at ease. Nonetheless, he didn´t attempt to move.
"Come on Danny, I bet you must be hungry. I have brought some of Renee´s specialties, nobody could say no to that, and I´m sure you´ll not be the first one" Lou smiled as he noticed the change in Danny´s attention. The truth was that he was starving, plus it was Renee´s cooking. Danny cringed inwardly. His pitiful state managed to reach his friends families and personal lives as well. Danny looked at Grover´s kind face.
"I´m sorry" There it was, again, as Steve said, Danny apologizing.
"What for? You just woke up and hadn´t said anything yet. Give yourself time to say something stupid and then you apologize" Lou ended his phrase with a typical laugh of his while he took the opportunity that the lighted mood he had created provided and he pulled the sheets back and offered Danny a hand to sit up. They were used on pushing the detective out of bed and making him get up and face life.
"Come on buddy" Lou maintained Danny´s doubtful look with a firm and intently gaze while still offering his stretched hand. The big man sighed with enormous relief when his friend took his hand and between the two of them, the still thin detective got up and made his way to the bathroom. While he was busy there, Grover picked up the discarded clothes by the bed, throw them on the laundry basket and then looked for fresh clothes for Danny to put on. Then they would go to the dining room to eat the food his wife had prepared and that Steve was in that moment heating up.