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Chapter 38: Numbness

The fork was left at the side of the almost empty plate by a numb feeling hand. The food was delicious, but he really couldn't´ finish it. He was complete, and besides, a strange tinkling feeling started to make his senses loose its sharpness. The same hand that had just put the fork aside took a paper napkin and went up to clean its owner´s mouth, while the other hand grabbed the side of the chair with almost too much and exaggerated force. But Danny was unsecure about this numbness, and he expected a wave of dizziness to hit him at any moment now. With effort, he achieved to successfully bring a too heavy glass of water to his mouth and then back down to the table. Closing his eyes for a few seconds at the sudden increase of the tickling and numbness that took him by surprise, he paid more attention to the heaviness of his legs and arms and sensed how his brain stopped plaguing him with dark thoughts and stress. The pills were good, he thought. But just a minute later he reconsidered and agreed with his numb limbs about them being too strong as he sank further down on the chair. Maybe he was still too light on weight for the amount of medication he has been given. Maybe he should part the pill on two and take only half at a time. But the doctor has prescribed one full with dinner, he was an experienced professional, he should know, and he himself should trust him.

Danny blinked sluggishly and, without much focus, saw that his abandoned plate along with everything on the dinner table was being cleared off. When a face appeared in front of him, he made an effort to look at it without squinting, due to its proximity.

"Hey buddy. Are you ok?" Steve´s features expressed amusement at his partner´s apparent high appearance, but his eyes couldn't hide the ever present worry and compassion.

"I´m great" Danny´s voice was low and dragged, and he blinked slowly again, making Steve´s teeth visible as he couldn´t avoid a big amused smile. It wasn´t his intention to take his friend´s involuntary state for fun, he didn´t wanted to be smiling when his partner had just open them his heart at dinner, so he forced himself to lose his grin as he straighten up and started to move Danny´s chair backwards to help him leave the table. Danny´s hold on the wood intensified, as he wanted desperately to grab something when he felt his chair moving and he thought he could fall. But a firm grab came to his rescue, and he found his center again while fighting against his too heavy eyelids.

"Come on partner. You feel like lying down?"

"I´m too tired, that pill killed me off"

"Ok then, you´re off to bed" Steve nodded his thanks to Lou, who brought the wheelchair to them from the living room and then went to the kitchen again after making sure he could be more useful with the dishes as Steve seemed to have the situation in control. Lou couldn´t hide his own smile. It was a smile of relief, because during dinner, Danny has opened up a little and shared with them his fear and the heavy weigh he was dealing with at having to ´burden´ them with his constant dependence. ´Burden´. That was the word Danny said at least ten times tonight when he couldn't hide his aching heart from them anymore and the silence in which he had been immersed all day was finally broken when his inside pain escaped through his mouth. That way, they discovered that Danny´s own personal and private internal hell was also plagued with a guilty feeling of being bothering everyone and, above that, of not being worthy of the others care and time. Danny feels he is a burden every time he needs someone to give him a ride to his doctor´s appointments; he feels he is a burden every time his traumatized mind scares him like hell waking him screaming from nightmares or in vivid memories while awake; at those moments he feels he is a tremendous burden when he is able to see the terror reflexed on his friend´s faces while trying to calm him down. He feels he is a burden every-time he is engulfed in a very warm and firm hug, although he knows he really needed every one of them. His heart feels the weight of being a burden every time his partner has to wait outside his bathroom door just in case he needs assistance; every time he has to be checked if he eats enough or not; every time he needs to be helped with his PT sessions at home; when his legs are not strong enough to take him long distances and he needs someone pushing his wheelchair. But Danny feels the pain of the burden mostly when his kids inadvertently avoid doing something they love to spare him the bitter taste of not being able to keep up with them. In those days, after Grace and Charlie leave, he usually goes directly to bed because that time he is a burden to himself, and the weight of it is too much to bear.

Danny had developed this heavy weight on his shoulders since the very beginning of his recuperation at the hospital, when he needed to be spoon-fed; bathed and cleaned even on his most private and personal areas; when he needed his teeth to be brushed and was helped to lean forward to do his miserable impression of a spit. When he needed his nose to be cleaned with tissues and swabs and his eyes to be delicately washed at mornings after waking up because his hands were useless and he couldn't even take care of the more basic needs. When his face was shaved by his caring nurse's hands and his damp and scented hair was combed sideways and then combed again backwards by his friends. When his body was handled and moved side to side and his sore and hurtful backside was washed and rinsed and soothed with creams; when he had to endure the torture of the cures of his hands and wrists. When he couldn´t do anything by himself, even dry his own tears which fall liberally and made their way down his neck, on a very uncomfortable way if nobody stopped them before.

All that was not the cause, but it contributed enormously with Danny feeling unworthy of everything; unworthy of the fond smiles his family and friends, and even doctors, gave to him; unworthy of their attentions and their every-time disposition. Even unworthy of their love and affection. This was the harder on him, because after being left caged with minimal attention during three long months and treated with indifference and even contempt, he was desperate for love and affection. The number made on his head kept tricking him, and he was tired of it. He was frustrated, and the frustration made him shut out and fall back. He hated everything of it, and also he hated himself.

But tonight, during dinner, his friends were astute enough to coax him to overcome his fears and his self-hate, and spit out his rotten feelings. So he shared with them these anguishing thoughts, and he was rewarded with his friends being more on point of his situation and therefore, they ended up a bit relieved because he had opened up and they now have more material to work on and help him. Danny could sense the fact that their friends were ´happier´ with him just opening up like he had, sharing what was troubling him and had kept him from talking all day. He could sense it on their relieved smiles, but as they talked to him and assured him there was no need to feel guilty and ashamed, Danny realized that he wasn´t very much less unworthy, nor feeling less burden. As their friends tenderly and affectionately squeezed his forearms to reassure him of their commitment to him because they loved him and that they would be like dead if they hadn´t found him, if he wouldn´t be with them, Danny found it nice that they could express their feelings to him and therefore feel relieved that both parts shared their hearts to each other, but he couldn´t change the self-despised perception he had developed in just one talk.

So as the meal was finishing and the talk was over, having Steve and Lou tried to almost desperately made him realize that the reason because they and everyone was doing his share on helping him was because they loved him and couldn´t live without him, the pill was still there, untouched, where Steve had left it prepared at the side of Danny´s plate. The detective had caught his partner looking at it several times during the dinner. The five-0 leader didn´t want directly to command Danny what to do, but he would have no choice if his friend keep ignoring it and didn´t take it. But he breathed relieved when Danny picked it up and saved him from having to ask him to do so. Danny kept eating but couldn't finish his plate as numbness hit him, hard. A few minutes later he was being wheeled back to his bedroom in a cloudy-like environment.

With effort and in the same foggy and numb state, he managed to take care of his business in the bathroom and freshen up a little, brush his teeth and try to clear his eyes with cold water, the latest with not avail at all. His sight kept clouded, and he grabbed the sink, feeling how his hands slightly trembled, as well as his legs. Danny considered it was wise to go lie down as soon as possible, to avoid falling, so he limped his exit from the bathroom and towards his awaiting and inviting comfortable bed. The bedding was neat, and folded back so he just needed to directly lie down. Someone has made his bed and now opened it for him, but neither of his friends was in the room. He was grateful for the privacy as it allowed him to get rid of the sweat pants, which tight waistband was already feeling too tight and uncomfortable. It´s not like his friends hadn´t seen him in his underwear before, Lou just did it about an hour ago, or even maybe naked when he was still out of the world of consciousness and awareness, but now, every minute of privacy was very much appreciated by his healing soul and pride. With the last thread of strength, he managed to lie down and bury his face on the soft pillows, grabbing the beddings and covering himself up to his neck. Immediately, he was out without any difficulty and on his way to a nightmare-less land of dreams.