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Chapter 39: Pity

Danny lifted his head up, abandoning his mental rambling and his eyes found Dr. Hale´s dark ones again. "Sorry" He apologized and straightened up a little on the leather armchair as he tried to focus again on the conversation they were having before he disconnected from the present, for the third time during his consult.

"That´s ok" The doctor´s calm voice soothed his compressing chest. "Remember you can share with me whatever bothers you, that way we can find ways to cope and heal, together"

"I know. I´m sorry" Danny knew that, and he didn't disconnect on purpose.

The doctor smiled. Danny had been told a thousand times not to apologize. Looking at his patient´s lost appearance, he chose not to repeat it again and instead he tried to help him out remembering him the topic they were talking about a few minutes back.

"About that feeling of being a burden to others you were telling me, it was an excellent thing that you could share it with your friends. Could you think about, perhaps, a reason because you feel like that?" Dr. Hale had to dig every answer deep. This patient, according with antecedents of what he was told Danny was like before his kidnapping, had totally been depersonalized by his trauma.

Danny´s eyes looked straight ahead, his sight getting lost on a random item on Dr. Hale´s desk.

"Danny?" The blue eyes focused again, unreadable and not giving away the slightest hunch of what he would say next.

"I should have died there".

The doctor´s only reaction to the shocking admission was to blink. He was really skilled and good at his job. He waited, to give Danny room and time to elaborate more. He didn´t, so he inquired.

"Why Danny? Why should have you died there?"

After a long pause in which the doctor thought he had lost Danny again on the land of mental ramblings, his patient chose to spit out his thoughts.

"Because it would be easier for everyone. Everyone would have resumed and continued on with their lives by now, not stuck with me"

Surprisingly, Danny´s sight was not lowered nor evasive, but kept looking straight in Dr. Hale´s eyes, as if daring him to contradict him, or, on the contrary, begging him to do so.

"Do you really believe that everyone would be feeling better now if you have died? If they had found your dead body or not found you at all? Do you really believe that?"

Danny´s hands started rubbing each other again, nervously, and his legs bouncing up and down. "I don´t know. Maybe?" Danny hated how lost he sounded, hated his voice and hated the feeling that he sounded as if he was doubting his family and friends. He knew that they would be living a hell if he hadn´t been found alive and that they would never recuperate from that and be the same persons again, and that his partner and the whole team would blame themselves for the eternity. "No, I don´t believe that" Danny rectified his saying, rubbing his face with his palms and exhaling a frustrated sigh, his doctor´s eyes giving him the confidence to reveal his true feelings.

"Take your time. Find your own pace" He was reminded again, so Danny rested his head on the back of the armchair, and closed his eyes, consciously stilling his traitors hands and legs, which nervous movements gave away his actual suffering about the matter.

"Its just that..." Danny paused, it was evident that what he was going to say was hard for him, remarking the fact that the major burden, as he called himself, was for his own self. "I came at peace with that idea while I was still there, so it is hard now for me to think otherwise, and this is a very hard road, for everyone, and for me too..."

Dr. Hale couldn´t finish catching his meaning. Frowning, he asked him to clarify. "What idea, Danny?"

"The idea that I would die there, and never been found. I, somehow and maybe in order to not lose my mind, made peace with the fact of my kids growing up without me, and my friends and family going on with their lives..." His voice quivered and failed him. "I gave up, and that was just fine with me, as long as I thought they´ll continue on and kept picturing them being fine and happy without me" Danny bend forward and run both hands through his hair, lowering his gaze to the floor. "It´s not that I´m not fine with being back, I am, but sometimes it´s proving to be very hard for me to cope with some things… It´s hard to explain..." Danny lifted his eyes again and found the doctor nodding understandingly to him. It helped him relax a little, and he leaned back again, mentally exhausted.

"Ok Danny" Dr. Hale smiled kindly; he knew it helped with Danny. "A person is never prepared for what has happened to you. Your mind, your soul and your body had suffered a tremendous trauma and now you´ll have to learn how to cope with its implications. It´s not extraordinary of the mind to create an hypothetical reality to survive, as you well said, but I want you to start with this simple thought, that your friends, your children, your family and everyone you want to think of doesn´t think less of you because you need help and time to start being more independent, nor sees another person different of the one they always loved. And most important, they don´t consider you a burden, and never will. I can assure you of that with what I saw this couple of months." Dr. Hale resumed his confident smile. "You´re very lucky for the people that you´re surrounded by. They would do certainly everything for you. Not many people I know have that privilege".

Danny couldn´t hide a nervous and at the same time proud smile, but the doctor has just nailed his discomfort with the matter. "That´s, I think, part of my feeling of being a burden. My partner, for instance, he´s the best of the best on his job, he´s the head of the team that´s crucial to this islands safety, he and everyone should be attending the job, and their own families..."

"Yes they could choose that, but they chose to be with you and help you. They are free to do as they want, aren´t they?" Danny´s mind opened up and he was considering it. "So I suggest you to quit seeing you as a charge because as I recall, you´ve never asked anyone for help, have you? They are doing it on their own will, not obliged by anybody but moved instead for their affection for you. And let me ask you, what would you do if you were on the other end? Would you choose work rather than being there for your friend?"

Danny gave a short nod. His verbalized answer wasn´t needed. It was obvious that it was the first time he could think it that way and Dr. Hale was almost sure that his patient would give this room for thought and consideration. Almost sure, because he could sense something still keeping Danny on guard, as the detective started to get lost inside his own mind again.

"What are you thinking, Danny?" The question prevented Danny from blocking out while he remembered, and made possible for him to share his inside out. He did it, on a thread of voice, almost inaudible for his doctor to hear it.

"I don´t want them to pity me"

Humidity is an awful thing, but it´s definitely worse when you can´t do anything to escape it while lying down, chained, unable to evade its stickiness, receiving its full embrace face up and with your back pressed on an urine-damp old smelly mattress. Humidity makes bad smells increase its awfulness, and you have to force your lungs to breath, nevertheless, even if you can´t find any hint of fresh air. Desperation hits you, you move as a maniac trying to free your arms and leg, you scream, you hurt yourself in the process. Your body ends up completely shattered, your mind goes wild and your soul starts to die alone in a dark and scary place.

While being a prisoner, during the first few weeks, when Danny´s mind was clearer and his soul had not given up yet, his lungs, pressed and squeezed by anguish and congestion, started to make his body to shut down. He had trouble breathing and it was extremely difficult to pass food when they came to feed him, once a day, always approximately at noon. Danny knew that at that time, the calmness of the rainforest would be broken by a loud engine roar which approached his hiding and secret prison. At that hour, Danny knew the birds songs he had come to appreciate so much would be shut down as his feathery companions escaped what he could not. Danny knew that at noon, the bugs that dared to crawl the dirty floor around him, would hide and disappear as they heard the metal sound of chains falling and door opening. At that time, Danny´s heart quickened in fear and anticipation. As days went by, Danny was not afraid anymore of whoever came to give him food and loose his chains a bit so he could reach the bucket to do his necessities. He was not afraid because those persons, who changed week after week keeping up with a sort of weekly rotation, although with their faces covered, they never treated him violently. They just came and do what they had to do, evidently without the slightest interest or desire to do so. They didn´t even talk to him, and did it only if it was necessary to command him something. He was not afraid anymore, but what he couldn´t suppress was the embarrassment of having to use the bucket in front of this people. He could do it only once a day, when he was giving chain length to get up and reach it. But not every day he could hold on until that moment, because the water they give them was processed by his kidneys much quicker than twenty four hours, so he always ended up peeing on his soiled pants. He didn´t have any privacy while using the bucket and when he tried to clean himself with a dirty towel which has never been washed or replaced. How he would have loved another bucket with fresh water to clean him up, but when he requested it, he never received an answer. For some reason, he was punished with silence, but at the same time he was, apparently, wanted alive because, when the previous day his body protested by shutting his airways and vomiting the food that has been forced into him, the next day it wasn´t the usual masked man that came through the door but, instead, a woman carrying a bag.

The woman, a corpulent and sturdy Hawaiian, killed the distance between them with an apprehensive pace while studying the wheezing man lying on the rotten mattress.

"Hi" She said, with a shaking voice, like if she was scared, or shocked. She was definitely not there by her own will. Danny guessed right, she was forced to do this and threatened with the lives of her family if she did something against of what they asked of her. But Danny didn´t knew that, and in his desperation, he saw in her a possible way of salvation.

Their eyes met as she reached his side and pulled the metal chair in which Danny seated every day when he was given his food, and sat herself in it. Danny looked at her as a scared child and found a little peace by looking at her kind face, framed by a long curly hair, already affected by the humid air that surrounded them. Her dark eyes found his blue opaque ones, and discovered a world of anguish and pain. Their connection was broken for a minute as the usual masked guy-type entered and loosened the chains a bit. "Let me know when you´re finished. An hour tops and then we´re out of here". His voice commanded her, not too kindly but rather on an authoritative and aggressive manner. She nodded and lowered her head, focusing on the bag she brought with her and opening its zipper, while he was out through the door again, leaving them alone.

"Help me please" The broken voice send shivers through her spine and made her heart contract with pity. That same pity made its way through her eyes and reached him while he was at the mercy of an awfully violent cough attack that shook his entire body and left him wheezing miserably, unable to keep up with his plea, for a moment. He saw through watery eyes how easily she put on the latex gloves she has just taken from the bag. She must be a nurse or doctor or something related to medicine, he concluded, and she confirmed his thoughts when expertly hands palpated his neck, chest and abdomen on a conscious examination, and then a cold stethoscope was placed and run over his bony chest. Danny took the opportunity of her proximity to grab her wrist and look intently at her eyes.

"Call Steve McGarrett, call Five-0. Please…" Another strong coughing fit hit him, and he was shushed while an inhaler appeared in his mouth and he was coached to take a deep breath through it. The devise operated its magic and his airways opened up, allowing him to breathe deeply and easier. His hand was pried open and so he lost his grip on her arm he had just grabbed and considered his connection with the exterior, with the freedom. Whimpering, he manifested his distress and hopelessness and turned again to his only resource: begging. "Call him, please…please…"

"I can´t do that. Please stop asking me that" Danny could sense her broken heart as she broke his with her declaration. "I´ve been threatened with the lives of my kids, please, don´t ask me to put them in danger" Danny stilled and closed his eyes. He knew he had no right to ask her that and that she was doing the right thing, but it was also true that he was desperate to go home, to go back to his own kids, whom he loved and missed so much. Hearing her say the word ´kids´ was a painful stab on his heart, and he couldn´t avoid the tears from falling as he saw his hope wash away with them.

"I´m so sorry" He heard her saying on a very low voice, at the same time she prepared his arm for the injection that came next. Shocked and questioning blue eyes reached hers and begged for an explanation.

"It´s just some medicine to help you breathe, and some antibiotics, don´t worry"

"Why?" Danny didn´t understand the purpose of his treatment. Did they really care of his wellbeing? Of course not! Danny corrected his line of thought immediately. They were obviously making sure he lasted long enough to fulfill their evil plan, whatever it was. The woman didn´t give him an answer, but instead she busied herself with cleaning his face, neck and upper chest with wet wipes while Danny´s vitals started to improve and his wheezing calmed down. It felt glorious, and for a moment Danny enjoyed the sensation of cool air hitting his refreshed skin. When it stopped, Danny opened his eyes with the intention of asking her to continue, but the amount of pity and compassion he saw reflexed on her eyes for some reason stopped him from doing so.

"Are you feeling better?" She asked, and Danny only nodded, the anguish hitting him with brutal force, because he was not ok. "Alright, now, you feel like getting up and go to the potty?" He nodded again. What else could he do apart from hating himself so much for what he had become? The look, the tone, the words she used with him where filled with pity, as if she was treating with a man doomed to doom. But the truth was that, he was doomed. His rage subdued as she grabbed his forearms to help him sit up. "Easy, let you head adjust to the change of position". It took Danny several minutes to adjust. After almost a day of lying down, it was very difficult to gather orientation and strength to move, and it was more difficult because he felt ill and miserable. He has never before given this consideration, so the hints of rage that remained on him left him completely, allowing him to permit the woman to assist him on getting up and walk the few feet that separated him from the bucket. "Can you manage?" "Yes" Danny responded quickly and curtly. She smiled, understanding, and handed him the opened package of wet wipes. "Thanks" Danny was moved and took the very welcome gift without hesitation. "Ok. I won´t look, I will just seat here facing the door. Let me know when you´re finished". And she sat, and Danny was able to conduct his business with privacy and taking his time to clean himself up the best he could under his circumstances. He knew it would be long before he could do that again, if there was another time for him in the future, and actually if there was any future for him.

The sound of chains moving along the concrete floor give Danny away, and the woman got up when she was sure the prisoner was walking towards her. All the effort had wiped Danny´s deteriorated lungs out and he was having trouble breathing again. She assisted him to sit on the chair, and coached him through his breathing. Danny´s leg bounced up and down, nervously, and he heavily rested against the back of the metal chair. "Help me please, I can´t take any more of this. I want to go home. I want to get back to my children" The woman closed her eyes as she rummaged through her bag. Then she chose silence as she helped him clear his tears while Danny murmured pleas to her, to himself, to God among less strong but still coughing fits. It took several minutes to Danny to abandon his panicked state, and when he did, his nose picked up the scent of food and his stomach complained loudly with hunger and anticipation. It was completely empty. The previous day his esophagus has been shut and above that he had vomited the little that had been forced impatiently into him, so today, helped by the medicine he had been injected, he devoured everything with determination and without taking his eyes from the plate. He then drank a bottle of water, even knowing that before the day was finished, it will transform into acid urine soaking his pants. But he drank because he had, although very slim, a tiny hope that this woman will contact his partner and let him know where he was, so he must keep fighting to remain strong and alive for Grace and Charlie. Little did he know that the woman had no intention of doing so, her fear for his family too strong. Danny now realized it. The pity he saw in her eyes was also mixed with guilt, the guilt of her for letting every plea Danny made fell dead right away, without the prisoner knowing it and cruelly letting him keep his quote of hope.

"Why would they pity you Danny?"

"What?"

"Why do you fear yours friends to pity you? How does it make you feel?" Dr. Hale tried to make him reflect.

"I fear that they know something that I don´t"

The doctor nodded. Danny recognized it as a sign to go on and explain more.

"While I was there… every day I had that hope that she will call Steve, but evidently she didn´t".

"And why do you think you relate that fact with your friends now?"

Danny felt silent, unsure of what to say and trying to realize why he felt that way. He rubbed his hands together and interlaced his fingers.

"Can you think of an example?" Dr. Hale tried to help him. His patient was on his last strings of mental strength to keep up with this for today.

Danny thought for a moment, and then shared. "Like… for instance, when they encourage me and affirm me that I´ll get better. I feel and I´m scared that they know I´ll be stuck with this trauma forever and not be able to overcome it".

"You are assuming things Danny" He was told in a calm voice, throwing light on this particular behavior that needed to be reviewed. I recommend you to talk to your friends about this feelings, have a nice and open talk and ask them to share their true feelings too. I think it would be good for both parts". The doctor smiled. "Can you do that and then we´ll talk about it on our next appointment? How does that sound?"

"Ok" Danny smiled too, relieved that finally he was to get home and spared of having to dig in his troubled mind anymore.

"We have a deal then".