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Chapter 42: I will thank you later
The thin thread that separates the world of dreams and reality is sometimes confusing, and difficult to see. It´s easy to be fooled by its disappearance and be caught inside an uncertain world of diffuse and, almost every time, scary images. It´s checked and proved that it´s easier to fall on this trap when dozing off and in the first stage of the sleep, and in Danny´s actual state of mind of vulnerability and anxiousness, he was a very frequent victim of livid and scary sleep paralysis, and also, many times, he was forced to wake up screaming and disoriented.
During those undesirable moments, it was difficult for Danny to realize if it was a dream, or a memory, or a flashback, or something new created by his troubled mind. But the truth was, that he was not allowed to forget.
He was hungry. He was constantly hungry, because nobody should eat only one time at a day. But Danny was force to do so, and his body was becoming weaker and more fragile as days went by, loosing nutrition while each hour went by and still the needs of his body weren't contemplated as they should.
Every day, as the sunlight reached a certain mark on the wall, Danny´s heart pounded with anticipation because he knew his meal time was near. The presence of his captor, whoever of them it was the turn to came to feed him, was always scary the first weeks of his kidnapping, making him nervous of this hour to come, but as time went by and the kidnappers' didn´t represent a major threat to him because all they did was loose his chains and bring him food and water, this fear gave place to the truly expectation and eagerness to hear the noisy engine coming and cutting every other sound of the nature that surrounded him and made him constantly company on his lonely hours of captivity. He knew that that sound brought with it a moment to leave the bed and stand up, a moment to manage to `clean up´ the mess he was, with not much success; a moment to sit up and devour in an almost animalistic way the food he has been brought, whatever it was. Most of the time, it consisted in noodles and a few day´s old bread. In not much time he learned to distinguish between what has been prepared for him and what was a group of leftovers gathered and mixed together for him, like the ones someone can throw on a can for the dogs outside. Like this, he started to lose weight and strength, along with the capability of moving with ease. Due to the chains maintaining his prostration, and the consequent lack of movement, his muscles started to shut down and it was harder and harder to respond each day when it was required of him to move.
This day in particular, he was beyond starving. His stomach was sunk between two very visible ribs structures and he could feel his intestines eating themselves. The day before he had been given very little to eat, apparently the leftovers were scarce, and the result was an almost unbearable hunger pain. When he heard the engine, he felt the dizziness of hunger hit him hard as the anticipation made him want to move. His limbs tingled with weakness and he was left painting, for air and for food.
The kidnapper that came through the door appeared to be the same as the previous day. Danny eyed him with empty yet beggin-for-food eyes as the robust build guy moved around him to lose the length of his chains and bring the chair nearer, the usual stuff, in silence, like always. But Danny´s distressed and starved sight caught his eyes for a mere second and the man gave him the longest line of conversation he had had with his captors in all the period of time. "Sit up. You´ll eat first today. There´s much more than yesterday." Danny clung to that miserable sign of … kindness?.. for dear life. He didn´t recognize what it was. Kindness? Care? Apology? A slightly share of humanity? But in the end, it didn´t matter, he was just the same miserable bounded captive who didn´t have a choice but to crawl indignantly his way up from laying down to siting up on the humid and smelly mattress, while his head was lost on a raw fight against the weakness and dizziness. Apparently he has lost his orientation or his strength because a rough hand had to come to his rescue when his knees almost hit the cement floor when he tried to get up and reach the chair, eager to put some food into his system. With an exasperated sigh, the man did almost all the job guiding him to sit. But it was not his fault, Danny thought, as he clung with desperation to the bottle of water he had been given next and almost emptied it completely, not giving himself time to even breathe as the cool and fresh liquid soothed his dry mouth and hydrate his malnourished body. If they would have fed him properly the previous day, he wouldn´t be so out of himself today. With shaking hand, he lowered the plastic bottle and let the guy take it while his eyes caught sight of the plate being placed on his lap. It was abundant. Yes, the most complete meal he had had since captured. Danny recognized easily that it contained not only leftovers but also a high amount of noodles prepared exclusively for him. The bread was the same, few days old, but, what was that? Was it… meat? It couldn´t be, but yes, it was. He could have laughed in happiness if not for his mind, which seemed to be still in place, because it prevented him from falling so low. Not even his shrunk stomach interfered with him eating it all, starting with the meat, that was the first thing he made disappear. The proportions were too much, but Danny ate it all, while his captor went to busy himself somewhere else and left him alone for a moment. He was due to eat once a day, so when he was given to eat, he ate. Whoever was in charge of his food obviously tried to compensate the previous ´miscalculate´, so when Danny lifted his fingers towards his mouth with the last piece of food, he was forced to breath through his mouth because food almost blocked and constricted his airways. Reaching down with difficulty, he took the bottle that has been placed on the floor at his side and finished the rest of the water that thankfully he didn´t before, letting the empty container to roll off his loose grip and fall to the floor. He was allowed to rest a bit on the chair, and then completed the rest of the mandatory routine. Due to the growing weakness and lack of movement, despite the push of nutrients he just has had, it was getting harder and harder to move and he barely reached back the bed on his own. Still touched by the ´generosity´ of the food and the few more words of the captor addressed to him, Danny did something he haven´t done before nor did again after that, ashamed that he freely shared with the enemy his private ache and showed that the vulnerability and weakness had reached not only his body but also his mind and soul. "I want to go home, please". The sacred rule of a cop had been trashed down by him, a highly experienced and capable detective: never show vulnerability in front of any criminal. Why hasn´t his mind stopped him again, as it has done just moments before? Luckily, or not, the captor said nothing but ´helped´ him to lay down by forcing him and then fastened the chains again in place. Then, he was on his own again, immerse on an argument with his only company: himself. His mind he reproached, for having not stopped his big mouth the second time. But then the heart also came to participate on the contest, taking for itself all the blame on the matter, so Danny cut his mind some slack, and fell asleep with a full stomach. At least, someone had won something from all this.
The noise of a plate being placed on the little table brought Danny back with a startle. Where was he? Why hasn´t he heard the engine coming?, and also, why was it time to eat if it was, apparently, the night? Seeking answers, he moved his head, which actually hurt, in direction of the sound, opening two tired and disoriented eyes.
"It´s alright" When would Danny be free of this nightmare? "You fell asleep" Steve offered, feeling sympathy for his friend, whose right side of the face was sporting at least three colors of bruises. "You need to eat" Without any other word, Steve helped him sit up and lean on the back of the bed. For some reason, Danny hated it so much, as well as the moment when a little bed-table was placed above his lap and the plate was transferred into it, along with a glass of juice.
"I don´t want noodles" Danny´s irritability was evident, but he couldn´t help it.
"They´re not noodles, they´re eggs. Come on, eat" Poor Steve, he didn´t deserve any of this nor put up with his crankiness. But Steve was prepared for his reactions, sort of, so he kept his voice low and calm, giving Danny the security he couldn´t achieve or see for himself. Sometime, Danny thought, he would thank him for all of this. But not today. Today, he couln´t even stand himself. So he said nothing more, and stuck the fork rather violently on the pile of scrambled eggs.
"I´ll come back when you´re finished" With the same understanding and calm voice, Steve left his friend alone, as he seemed to prefer right now.