Naruto (—ナルト—NARUTO)© Masashi Kishimoto

Ninja Dating Plot and Original Characters Belong to Me.

xSamidare Presents

N-I-N-J-A D-A-T-I-N-G

Rating: PG-13; Mild Language
Takes Place During The Two Year Time Skip

Sunlight filtered through the blinds of a medium-sized bedroom belonging to a certain silver-haired ninja. Said ninja groaned and turned over, burying his head under the dark grey comforter.

There was a faint beeping. It started to grow louder and louder with each passing second. Kakashi groaned and reached out from under the covers.

WHAM!

That wasn't very smart; now you have to buy another.

Kakashi immediately shot out of his bed upon hearing the mischievous voice echo through the confines of his mind. He groaned and slowly lied back down, hoping to quell the pounding in his head. 'What the hell happened, I don't remember drinking yesterday?'

You didn't. But you did make a fool out of yourself at the bookstore, though.

-X-

"I KISSED A GIRL, AND I LIKED IT!"

… Awkward Silence.

-X-

Kakashi's face heated, and he smashed his head into the pillow, immediately regretting the action. "My head hurts so bad what the fu-."

Here, Take these.

The was a poof, then a cloud of crack fumes smoke appeared. Kakashi coughed and waved his hands around, trying to fan the crack smoke cloud away from him.

There was a bottle of Tylenol that appeared in his lap. "Thanks. Hey, you wouldn't happen to have Advil instead? Tylenol gives me stomach aches."

Oh, sure. Sorry bout' that.

Another cloud appeared,and the bottle of Tylenol suddenly disappeared. In its place, a bottle of Advil liquid-gels. "I kind of need water, too."

What? Why? You have liquid-gels. Doesn't that mean there's water in the pill?

"…No, that's not what it means."

I don't believe you, but whatever.

The crack fumes smoke cloud appeared once again, and this time, there was bottled water. Kakashi picked up the plastic bottle and squinted at the label. "What's Aka—Akuafina?"

It's an americ—nevermind, Just drink it.

-X-

Kakashi scratched the back of his head idly as he walked away from the Ninja Academy. Tsunade had informed him that there were no missions for him today, which left him at a loss for what to spend his day doing.

You can always begin reading 'The Book.'

Kakashi jumped slightly. "I thought you were gone."

The old man walking down the street shook his head at Kakashi. "Crazy ass ninjas". A bunch of crackheads, I swear."

Yeah, so, you should like, talk to me mentally since we're in public.

Kakashi nodded. 'Right.'

…So are you going to read the book now?

'Look, I don't know if my childhood trauma is finally catching up to me and created you, or if you're actually real, but I don't need help with dating.'

Now you and I both I know that's a damn lie! I literally watched you repeatedly chant 'PLEASE CAN I- GET SOME COOCHIE, WHEW' while doing some weird dance outside of Tsunade's personal residence last Wednesday at 3:26am. I'm surprised she didn't come outside and beat your ass!

'WHAT! THERE IS NO WAY HAPPENED I WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.'

Are you sure about that, Kakashi? You were drinking quite heavily…I bet you can't remember how you got home that night.

Kakashi froze in the middle of the road. He racked his brain for memories of the alleged incident and tried to mentally check off what happened:

Did he drink with Gai last Wednesday? Yes.

Did he leave the bar around 2:30am? Yes.

Did Gai leave with him?...No.

Did he go down the main road before turning down Namikaze Street, which was his typical pathway home?...No.

Did he instead turn down Nara Boulevard, which would lead him to the east side of Konoha, the side where the Hokage's Personal Residence is?

'fuckFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK-'

Chill bro, we will get you the puss-

'That's it. My whole career, down the drain. Oh god, what if someone saw me? No, It's been a week since Wednesday it would have spread around town by now…but what if the person who saw me is trying to blackmail me?... I have no choice, I'll have to kil-'

WHOA THERE BROTHER HOLD ON NOW. Just relax and take a deep breath, no one saw you. Not even Tsunade's secret service, I made sure of it.

'HOW?HOW Can-'

Rule number 1 of plot armor: Don't question it, just accept it. Also, if you hadn't noticed, you have been standing in the middle of the Market District for 30 minutes, twitching, and there's a woman over to your left looking HIGHKEY concerned.

'…'

'Maybe this wouldn't have happened if you read the book like I said-'

'…'

Kakashi?

'…'

Fuck, I think I broke him! Oh god, first Tsuna and now him! Elaine is going to fucking kill ME!

'…'

DON'T WORRY KAKSHI HANG IN THERE BUDDY! IMMA GET YOU THE HELP YOU NEED-

-X-

Sunlight filtered through the blinds of a medium-sized bedroom belonging to a certain silver-haired ninja. Said ninja groaned and turned over, burying his head under the dark grey comfort-

Kakashi shot out of the covers. 'THE FUCK isn't this LITERALLY the first part of this chapter-'

One day you will learn to stop questioning me. Anyways. The Book. Read it.

Kakashi, seriously, SERIOUSLY, considered going to visit Inoichi to get a mind walk but caved in and opened the brown, nondescript, book that was conveniently placed in his lap.

'The Dating Guide for Ninjas: This guide is for silver-haired closet perverts who are lonely and read porn publicly. By: Scam Likely

'Males of all races fear the awkwardness and embarrassment of asking someone out on a date because of the stigma of rejection. Furthermore, even if successful in obtaining the first few dates, the man must overcome the risk associated with achieving official dating status by asking to define the relation—'

Skip that part

'The following tactics of Ninja Dating work together to generate maximum surprise and confusion towards the ninja's true intentions. If the tactics are successful, the target will end up in a relationship with the ninja without ever having the chance to reject him.

Disguised Infiltration: Operating under the camouflage of friendship, a ninja dater will invite the target to casual one-on-one dinners after work to "catch up" or "just hang out." The dinner together will be identical in all respects to a normal group of friends activity, except that there will only be the ninja and the female.

Shadow Ambush: To progress to more serious dating activities, a ninja will surprise the target by inviting her to implied group outings to Broadway shows, romantic comedies, or barbeques at the beach. However, upon getting to the venue, the rest of the group never shows up, and the romantic outing coincidentally becomes just the ninja and the target, who does not suspect the subterfuge. In addition, the ninja will begin to flirtatiously touch the target's arms, give shoulder massages, and stroke their hair with friendly compliments.

Smoke Bomb Escape: If there is little progress towards goals or the target suspects romantic intentions and impending rejection is inevitable, a ninja dater will abruptly stop calling and disengage from all communication. Infiltration of the next target, which is usually a friend or roommate of the original female target, will commence immediately without any of the usual problems associated with pursuing a close relation.'[1]

SEVERAL points were made I mean, Scam Likely REALLY snapped when they wrote that!

'Wha-'

So you got any females in mind? Drunk You seems to want Tsunade, which may I just say you have EXQUISITE taste! 10 out of 10 would smash!

'Sma-'

Or maybe Shizune is more you're style? Ya'll lowkey would be a cute couple-

'Wai-'

No? Oooooh, I get it. Are you like..You know..? Iruka is cute but I think that Yamato boy wants them cheeks if you catch my drift-

'CAN I SPEAK?'

My bad, go ahead.

Kakashi sighed. 'Look, you-it-the-

My pronouns are Edge Lord 3000 and Your Royal Godliness.

'Okay, Edge Lord 3000-'

Thank you.

'No problem at all. It would've been disrespectful to refer to you as something else when you clearly stated- STOP DISTRACTING ME! Now Look, I am tired AS FUCK. I think I am losing my mind and I have been thoroughly humiliated and embarrassed enough to last a lifetime so, I am going to BED and we can talk about this TOMMOROW.'

But it's only 2-

'Goodnight.'

…Goodnight. Love you, bro.

'…'

Hey…say it back, bro.

'…Love you.'

And everything went black.

[To be continued...I think]

[1] There's this decade old post from "Things Asians Do" (the tiltle of this blog...) which the "Ninja Dating Guide" comes from